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of all of this...of feeling this way. The more I try to get better, the worse I feel. My birthday weekend sucked, of course. I had my D&C on the same weekend I was going to tell my family. This weekend is no better. We were going to tell my husband's family last night and announce it on Fb today. Everything I do, I keep thinking of how I should be pregnant. How would I feel right now? How would I look? I'm past the stage of crying. Well, besides the night I held my friends' baby three nights ago. And of course two days ago when my friend, who thought she was having a girl, is actually having a boy. I don't know how to explain it, but because I wanted a boy so badly, and she was having a girl, it kind of took the sting off, since I already have two girls...well, now it turns out she is having a boy and I don't know why, but I feel crushed, not for her, but for myself. It's like she got MY boy now. Does that even make any sense. Then after my great-aunt told me a few weeks ago that obviously 'God didn't want you to have this baby!", my friend who's having the boy writes me, "Obviously God wanted us to have a boy!" That felt like a stab to my heart. I know I'm sensitive and I know I'm taking everything personally. I just don't know how to move on and heal from this. I keep telling myself once I pass my due date, I may feel better. Who the heck knows? My husband and my friends are tired of listening to me. Shoots, I'm tired of myself like this
I'm just angry now. 13 is my favorite number. When I found out I was pregnant, I truly thought, "Wow, 2013 must be my lucky year!" Now I just feel like I'm living in a nightmare, someone's playing a sick joke on me and/or I'm being punished for something. Seriously???
Yeah, I'm still taking care of the kids, dying easter eggs, baking cookies, washing laundry, dishes, cooking etc. My heart is just not into any of it. I just feel like I am going through the motions of it all, but really all I want is to be left alone in my own personal misery.
Now that I've written all of that, I'm sorry to be so negative....I just need to get it all out and noone in my real life wants to hear any of it. I'm just supposed to pick myself up and move on and be fine. Maybe that's what I should be doing, I don't know?! The problem is that I just don't know how to do any of that.... I feel empty, drained and heartbroken...
Last edited by islandbaby; April 1st, 2013 at 07:05 AM.
Oh honey, I'm just so sorry.
I think all of your feelings are normal, but maybe it would help to talk to a counselor? I have been thinking I should pop by one myself.
I would have felt just the same about the baby boy. It's so hard to hear about things like that right now. I get the feeling that my hubby is getting tired of hearing about it too. He was sad too, but it just isn't the same. I'm very tired of feeling like this too. I keep trying to put any kind of positive I can about this, but there just isn't much. This is just sooo unfair.
__________________ Susan dd Megan, ds Marcus
I never knew until that moment how badly it could hurt to lose something you never really had. - Missed Miscarriage at 10 weeks - 3/26