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How is your partner?


Forum: Pregnancy Loss

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  • 2 Post By MarchMom2007

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  #1  
April 1st, 2013, 01:57 PM
smsturner's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 3,730
I just wondered how your partner is taking the loss?

My husband said it was sad. But other than that he hasn't had much of a reaction. He isn't one that ever goes overboard emotionally that you can really tell.
The only real reaction I've noticed is that he just doesn't want me. I know it's too soon to jump there, but he just doesn't even seem to be interested at all. I know he has his right to be sad and bummed and that might be a lower sex drive, but I just feel rejected on top of everything. I just want some love and some petting and kisses and to know that after all that surgical stuff and icky things that we've done the last week, that I might still be sexy to him.

It might seem silly and petty, it just felt like a blow on top of everything today.
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Susan, dh Tom, dd Megan (14), ds Marcus (12), Our new baby Dean





I never knew until that moment how badly it could hurt to lose something you never really had. - Missed Miscarriage at 10 weeks - 3/26
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  #2  
April 1st, 2013, 03:40 PM
~ ttc island baby #3 ~
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,348
I feel the exact same way as you do about your husband wanting you! I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that it would be some comfort to me. My husband has not said much. If I corner him and start talking about it, he responds, but it's not exactly what I want/need to hear. He's being very negative about even thinking about ttc. He keeps talking about risking it again, going through a loss again, or something worse, etc. He also tries to 'cheer' me up by telling me it was meant to be, something obviously was wrong with the baby, it's better this way...yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever...He does mean well, I know! I know he loves me and he's just scared, but right now I just need to talk about this with someone and I wish it was him. I told him last night, "I need to deal with this. Either you deal with me or someone else will have to deal with me" Just makes me feel even more alone and sad, not having him for support like I feel he should be supporting me.

My real issue about intimacy is this now - he does want me, but doesn't want to make a baby with me? That really doesn't sit well with me. Not that I'm sure if I want to ttc at this point, but it still bothers me, kwim?
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  #3  
April 1st, 2013, 04:14 PM
lelila's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 2,994
My Dh has been really good I guess. At first he cried with me and held me and we sat for hours after our son went to bed and talked about it. But after a week or two, he told me I had to "move on" and accept it that it wasn't my fault and we wouldn't know what happened.

It's been 5 wks since it happened, 4 wks since we found out and he is ready to TTC again. I have been firm with him that though I'm ready for intimacy it is not safe to TTC. He's fine with that, though disappointed. And I don't think his disappointed is misplaced. Our time has almost run out and he really wants another child.
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  #4  
April 1st, 2013, 07:04 PM
smsturner's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 3,730
Well I feel a bit better. Apparently over the last week, he's googled D&C some to research and OF COURSE got about 18000 horror stories, some having to do with horrible infections from sex too soon. I guess I'm being too hard on him. I'm just frustrated and sad and super touchy.


Quote:
Originally Posted by sugarmomma3 View Post
I feel the exact same way as you do about your husband wanting you! I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that it would be some comfort to me. My husband has not said much. If I corner him and start talking about it, he responds, but it's not exactly what I want/need to hear. He's being very negative about even thinking about ttc. He keeps talking about risking it again, going through a loss again, or something worse, etc. He also tries to 'cheer' me up by telling me it was meant to be, something obviously was wrong with the baby, it's better this way...yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever...He does mean well, I know! I know he loves me and he's just scared, but right now I just need to talk about this with someone and I wish it was him. I told him last night, "I need to deal with this. Either you deal with me or someone else will have to deal with me" Just makes me feel even more alone and sad, not having him for support like I feel he should be supporting me.

My real issue about intimacy is this now - he does want me, but doesn't want to make a baby with me? That really doesn't sit well with me. Not that I'm sure if I want to ttc at this point, but it still bothers me, kwim?
Oh lousy.
Tom is the same way, I have to totally corner him and squeeze it out of him. It's frustrating.
And I don't get cheered up by people saying the meant to be stuff, and something was wrong stuff. I find it even more upsetting.

I would find that a real issue with intimacy. It's just another level of rejection. And I'm very touchy about rejection right now. He should at least be willing to discuss it with you. I'm so sorry.
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Susan, dh Tom, dd Megan (14), ds Marcus (12), Our new baby Dean





I never knew until that moment how badly it could hurt to lose something you never really had. - Missed Miscarriage at 10 weeks - 3/26

Last edited by smsturner; April 1st, 2013 at 07:10 PM.
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  #5  
April 1st, 2013, 08:37 PM
Ame C's Avatar Every breath is a gift.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 3,791
Ladies!! I'm so sorry I wish I could pretend to understand men 100% but they are still a mystery to me, even as predictable as they are!

Here's how it went for me:
After finding out in L&D that Clyde was no longer with us DH and I cried together. After Clyde was born and I was holding him I noticed DH wasn't in the room for about 20-30 mins (I'm not sure how long it really was because time hadn't stopped for me but my world was at a standstill). He later told me that after seeing Clyde being born, he was the most beautiful baby DH had ever seen and he totally lost it... DH had to go outside to the car and bawl his eyes out. He said he was cursing and hitting the steering-wheel with his fists. I only saw him cry a few more times after that day, then I think he probably felt like he had to be strong for me because I wasn't taking the loss well at all. I think DH *felt* like he had to move on in order to help me move on.

As far as intimacy goes...
I had planned for an unmedicated hospital birth and I didn't want to change my plans, I wanted to experience the pain, and OMG it WAS painful! I had 3 small first degree rips that I got stitches for, so I had no choice but to wait to have sex (plus your not 'allowed' to before that anyways and some Dr's make you wait even longer). You would think after everything sex would have been the last thing I would ever want, but I missed it! I wanted to feel that intimacy and love from DH again because I felt so empty and dead inside. I think we waited 4-5 weeks before dtd for the first time after but by that time we were both ready, although I don't recommend dtd that soon after giving birth and having stitches because it HURTS!!
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Last edited by Ame C; April 1st, 2013 at 08:39 PM.
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  #6  
April 2nd, 2013, 09:20 AM
MarchMom2007's Avatar Sticky baby wanted!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 3,175
It has only been a week since our fateful ultrasound and only 5 days since I started to bleed, but my SO has been my rock. He has held me through all of the contractions, cramping, bleeding, sobbing, yelling, all of it and has simply held on as tightly as he could. He has cried alone and talked with me about all of what he is feeling and asked me a million times how I am doing and how he can help. He has made dinner nearly every night without being asked. He has helped with my son so very much and taken care of anything at all that I needed from the store.

I was so scared to go through this wih him but I feel like it has drawn us closer together and I am feeling so much more confident about trying again. He is truly my life partner.
smsturner and islandbaby like this.
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Cautiously expecting a little one sometime in June, and always remembering my 5 little ones that left too soon.
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