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Hello, my name is candy. I'm married to an amazing man who is deployed currently, and we have 2 amazing sons! Thomas is 3, Jax is 2! With Thomas we TTC for 5 months, and finally got our bfp! I had preeclampsia, and they induced me at 37 wks 3 days, other than that healthy delivery! Jax was a huge surprise! We found out 12 weeks after I had Thomas that we were expecting baby #2! I had preeclampsia and they induced labor at 37 weeks pg. Jax was born with under developed lungs, he blew a hole in his right lung and spent the first 6 weeks in the NICU. But, ever since has been a happy healthy baby. We decided in June 2012 to try one more time for a baby girl! We got our bfp in September 2012. October 20th I miscarried the baby. My husband was away training, so I went through it by myself. He didn't seem to upset. I was devastated. I felt like a hole had been punched in my heart and like I'd done something wrong. I withdrew from my husband and suffered in silence. I blocked most of it out. My husband deployed for the 3rd time to Afghanistan at the end of 2012. He skyped with me 2 days ago, he said he had an important question for me. He put a flower up to the camera and asked me if when he gets back I will do him the honor of having another baby with him. I cried like a baby. Finally we were able to openly discuss how we felt with the loss and my fears of trying again. Him asking me that brought all the feelings I blocked out back front and center. I want another baby so bad but I am so scared of losing another and having that heartbreak again. I'm terrified honestly. I still get emails every week telling me how many weeks I should be (even though I don't need a reminder) I still wonder what he/she would've been. I still wish I was pregnant. How do I face this fear and try again? How do I overcome this? Are my odds higher now to have a loss? I just don't know anything about losses since I had never experienced one. Sorry this is so long. Thank you for reading.
I'm so so sorry for your loss honey. And how hard to go through it alone. Big hugs. I'm glad you finally got to talk with him about how you were feeling.
One earlier loss like you had does not increase your chances of miscarriage, if that helps at all.
A good place to check out here would be TTC after a loss too. They have a lot of ladies trying again with the same fears you are feeling The ladies here and there are great and supportive and sweet. Good luck with whatever you decide!
__________________ Susan, dh Tom, dd Megan (14), ds Marcus (12), Our new baby Dean
I never knew until that moment how badly it could hurt to lose something you never really had. - Missed Miscarriage at 10 weeks - 3/26
So sorry for your loss. I know how scary it can be to try again, I've had 2 m/c and after each one I told myself I'm done, its such a scary experience to go through. But I guess the desire to have that 3rd and final baby made me overcome any fears I had because I kept trying! Good luck hun!
I already responded to your other post on ttc after loss, but wanted to respond here as well. I too have all the same fears as you. I take comfort in the fact that the risk is no greater after a loss already. I think all of these fears, worries etc. are completely normal! Since your husband is deployed, you do have some time to work through all of this before actively ttc, which is a good thing!
Sending you lots of <HUGS> and post as often as you need to. We are all here to listen, give advice etc.
I'm so sorry for your loss! I just wanted to pop in to give you some hope... first, as the other ladies said, one m/c does not really increase your chances of another one. Especially since you already have 2 healthy kiddos. Unfortunately, miscarriages are really common... more common that most of the statistics even say. I've read statistics saying that 25% of pregnancies end in m/c, and other stats that say as much as 50% of pregnancies end in m/c (depending on how early you find out you're pregnant). I had a chemical pregnancy (really early m/c), and then I had 2 healthy babies. Then when we started trying for our third baby, we had 2 back-to-back miscarriages--one at 7 wks, and one at 9 wks. After the first m/c, I was devastated and terrified of trying again, but I kept telling myself it was just a fluke and probably wouldn't happen again. Then I had the m/c at 9 wks, after seeing a heartbeat 2 days earlier. Devastated doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. I was even more scared of trying again... I didn't know if I could go through another loss. But after a little while, I decided that it was worth trying again. Now I am a little over 12 weeks pregnant, and things (knocking on wood) are looking great. I am finally getting a little less nervous and hoping that soon I'll be able to really fully enjoy this pregnancy.
Once you've gone through a loss, it stays with you. It will probably affect how you feel towards other pregnant women, and how you will feel when you do get pregnant again. That is totally normal. But after I told some friends about my losses, they opened up to me about theirs. I was shocked at how many people I knew had suffered losses before having their babies. It really is THAT common. But the recurring theme through all those stories was that those women DID have healthy babies after their losses. So don't lose hope... it can happen for you too.
As far as how to overcome your loss, I'm not sure there really is a way to get over it. Like I said, it'll stay with you forever. But you can move on. These JM boards are a great tool... so many of the women here have been through hell and back, and they keep going. Having people to talk to about your feelings is really helpful. Time is also key... give yourself time to grieve, to experience the feelings you've been blocking out, and to accept what happened. For some women, the TTC process helps them get past their loss. It's not that my new pregnancy replaced my old one, and I still haven't forgotten how terrible I felt just 5 months ago, but TTC and then getting pg again gave me something to look forward to.