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I went in for a routine OB appointment at 18 weeks and 6 days. Everything had been great so far, we had found out exactly two weeks earlier that we were having a boy and had finally started buying things for him. I have a home doppler that I had used about a week before and found his heartbeat pretty fast, he was usually hard to find. When the doctor was having trouble finding his heartbeat I didn't think much of it because everything had been going great and usually our little one made it hard to find. He sent me to the ultrasound room and I still couldn't believe what I was seeing. There our little one was so still and no heartbeat. I had myself convinced at first that it must be the position he was laying in, we were too far along, why would this happen now? The tech got the doctor and he told me there's no more cardiac activity. His best guess was that there was a knot in the cord, but he couldn't be sure until he was delivered. He told me we'd have to induce labor, we didn't need to set a date at this second, and to go home and talk to my husband. I had my three year old with me and she kept asking over and over why I was crying, I still don't know how to explain this to her, she asks me every day where our baby is at now. I went home and told my boyfriend. My mom got my daughters and kept them overnight while Justin and I spent the rest of the day in our bed crying together. It was Friday and Justin's birthday was that Saturday so we decided to spend the weekend with the girls and go to induce on Monday. On Monday morning we went to the hospital. The doctor gave me the first dose of cytotec at 9am and told me I could have whatever I wanted for pain. I had already decided I didn't want anything, I wanted to feel every second of this and didn't want to take anything that might make me feel worse than I already felt and I didn't want to risk taking something that would make my mind foggy. At 1pm the doctor came back and gave me a vaginal dose of the cytotec and at 3 I got another oral dose. At change of shift the night shift nurse came to see how I was feeling and by then I was in nonstop pain and had nearly no break between contractions. She checked me and I was almost to 10cm. She said my water was still intact and she was going to call the doctor. The doctor came in and had my push and in one push at 8:05pm I delivered our little one still in the sac. Justin and I cried and cried together while they cleaned me up and the doctor went to break the sac to see how his cord looked. It had two knots and he had it wrapped around his neck twice. We got to hold him and spend some time with him. Looking back now I wish we would of kept him with us longer. The nurse made handprints and footprints for us and gave us the little hat he was wearing and put his footprints on his hat too. He weighed 5oz and was 8.5in long. We named him Jackson, no middle name, we hadn't been able to agree on a name up to that point. He was so perfect. We had him cremated so we could take him home with us. It's been very hard getting through this, but every day I'm crying less and less. Justin has been amazing, I couldn't imagine being able to make this through with anyone else. It feels like every day something new comes up to try to make it harder to keep going. My milk came in on Thursday which I wasn't expecting to happen, Friday his urn came in the mail then an hour later the funeral home called to say he was ready to come home. Then yesterday I ended up in the ER, the bleeding hadn't let up at all, I've still been having a lot of pain, and I started running a fever. Luckily everything looks okay, I was dehydrated so they gave me some fluids and a dose of IV antibiotics and sent me home with antibiotics, pain meds, and even though I tried to deny sleeping problems the saint of an ER doc gave me a prescription for something to help me sleep anyway. Justin and I have decided that we'll try again, we're not sure when yet and I'm sure we'll be terrified the entire time, but we know our family isn't complete. Jackson was supposed to be our last, but we think he's inspired us to try to have two more.
Tara & Justin
Parents to Lillian (11), Phoenix (9), Danielle (3)
I am so so sorry for your loss, I am experiencing a loss too which I found out about today but as I am only 7 weeks today and waiting for the miscarriage to kick in at anytime, if it doesn't happen by next week then they will give me a shot to start the process.
I know it's different situations but no one can measure what it meant to us.
I am so so sorry that yours has happened so late during your pregnancy it must be the worst thing you have ever felt and experienced, I know this is for me so I cannot imagine what you are feeling.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I almost lost my LO during the my first trimester due to low lying placenta but it was a miracle that both of us survived. I was in a phase where I gave up hope and said, "If this baby is meant for me, she will be. If not, only God knows why and He has His reasons, and I will accept it wholeheartedly."
I may never know how difficult and painful it is for you and kayj also, but you will get through it. .because mothers are strong.
I'm glad you still want to try to have two more. And I'm sure your little angel in heaven is glad too to have more siblings.