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Babies after loss


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  #1  
June 22nd, 2010, 06:42 AM
Sabina's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,657
How do you think your loss effects who you are as a Mom? How do you think it's changed you? What kind of a Mom do you think you would be if you had never lost a child?
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  #2  
June 22nd, 2010, 07:10 AM
IAMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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That is a very deep question, and one I ponder now and then.....

I think I am a more protective, concerned mother than what I would have been if I had not lost the twins. I think I am more focused on Cecil...and this may sound worse than it is, but I am always on gaurd - I know that life is uncertain, and that the good you have now is not garunteed in the future. I make extra certain that I play and love on Cecil every change I get. I think I spoil him a bit more than I would have before.

I had way more of a whimsical personality before I had the twins.....as nieve as this sounds, I thought as long as I tried hard and was a good person, and helped others, that carma wouldn't let anything really and truely bad happen to me. My loss rocked my world and opened my eyes to the fact that the world is not in my control, and that nothing should be taken for granted.

Sorry if my answer was too deep, but I often ask myself the same question.
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  #3  
June 22nd, 2010, 01:51 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Location: Littleton, CO
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I think my answer is a lot similar to Sam's actually. I'm a much needier/clingier mom than I ever thought I would be (though I'm starting to think I probably would have already been more than clingy than I thought).

One of the biggest changes is the appreciation for having what I have right now. Before Cora died...I was always expecting that "I'll be happy when ___ happens," when I graduate from high school, when I have a boyfriend, when I get engaged, when I get married, when I get pregnant, when the baby is finally born and I'm not pregnant anymore...

I spent a LOT of my time telling myself that I'd be happy when Cora was born and I wasn't pregnant anymore because pregnancy is so miserable for me. But when I wasn't pregnant anymore, I didn't have a baby. It was really hard, and it's definitely made me appreciate Erin and Patrick so much more right now, even with the hard things. Yes, things will be easier when Erin is potty trained, but since there is always the possibility Erin may not be around to get to that point, I'll appreciate her for everything she is now, even while changing her diapers.
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  #4  
June 24th, 2010, 07:14 AM
kellyanne's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Washington
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I agree. I'm more appreciative, yet more anxious. I am more empathetic with others.

By the way, beautifully written, Brittanie.
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  #5  
June 27th, 2010, 10:57 AM
Sabina's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thanks for your answers ladies. I agree with everything said. There are days when I am losing patience and feeling stressed but always seem to remember in the back of my mind how truely lucky I am and seem to regain myself again. I think it has helped me now in so many ways. While I wish I never lost any of my precious babies, sometimes it really helps me to be a better Mom. I know how truely precious their lives are and how lucky I am to have them.
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  #6  
June 28th, 2010, 09:11 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
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If I had never lost Ethan and the triplets, I would absolutely sweat the small stuff. I wouldn't have the same perspective on things that I have now. I would be googling baby acne and cradle cap looking desperately for a solution. I'd be pumping the nursery full of Bach and Mozart and hanging Monet on the walls to make Grant smarter (though there's no evidence that actually works.) The house would have been babyproofed before baby even came home from the hospital.

Losing Ethan has made me want an average life for Grant. I don't need a perfect child, I need for Grant to be who he is going to be. Baby acne won't hurt him, and neither will playing soccer OR taking an art class rather than pushing to do both. I am going to give him the opportunities he needs, and then I'm going to sit back and let him develop at his own pace.

I totally wouldn't have had such a relaxed attitude if I had both Ethan and Grant.
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Last edited by rebeccabaltimore and more; June 28th, 2010 at 09:16 PM.
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  #7  
July 5th, 2010, 09:03 AM
ShannonMVT's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I think losing my first made me cherish Matthew more. It made me better able to grit my teeth through those nights when he just wouldn't stop crying and realize how lucky I am even when he is screaming! I think I am more patient than I would have been (and patience is not my strong suit even now). I spent so long waiting that him being here is so much sweeter (I guess that is tied not just to loss but also infertility). At the same time, I am probably a little more nervous than I would have been, about something happening to him.

Even though I hate that I lost another baby with my chemical pg, I think it is going to do something similiar for me. When I was pregnant, I was excited of course but I was also really scared of how my life was going to change with 2 kids. Losing the baby made me realize anew how much I really do want another one and that even if times are tough with 2 young kids, it will all be so worth it.
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