Log In Sign Up

Will you tell your new little one about your loss?


Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Pregnancy After Loss Playroom LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
January 31st, 2007, 11:20 AM
LeedaRenee's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,923
If so, when? My friend was just told by her mom that she lost a baby before he was conceived. He told me that it was really sad for him because the baby was born way too early and he knows that he wouldn't have been born unless that had happened. He said that although he knew it wasn't his fault, he felt real guilt. He also felt hurt that his mom didn't tell him sooner, she had pictures that she showed him. She said that she didn't think it was necessary that he know and that is was still very painful for her.

I intend to tell Lucas about the baby I lost, (I made a scrapbook page of the baby with its sonogram). I just hope he doesn't have the same sense of guilt that my friend has. Also, I just dont know when the best time to bring something like that up (as far as age goes). Am I stressing too much about this?
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #2  
January 31st, 2007, 12:32 PM
iamkc's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Montana
Posts: 8,137
Send a message via AIM to iamkc
Wow. I have no idea. I've thought about it. It's very complicated, isn't it? I knew that my parents were SO angry toward each other and just got married because they were pregnant with me. I felt like their unhappiness and my siblings' unhappiness were a direct result of me. Silly, I know. I've thought the same thing about Kannon that your friend said. Will he see it as a sad thing because he wouldn't have been born otherwise, and because I'm sad about that loss? Will he think that that means that I would have preferred those babies?

Even more confusing for me: they're pretty sure that Kannon had a vanishing twin. DH is weird about it, as is everyone else. While I'm THRILLED about Kannon, I'm sad about his "other". Should he know this? I know that VT Syndrome is pretty common, and I think that I'm not supposed to think that it's a big deal, but it's still a loss and I absolutely feel like I had something taken from me again.

That wasn't an answer at all, was it? Just rambling. I guess the point is, I don't really know, but I feel like I'm in the same boat! I guess that I would have to get to know and understand him a bit growing up, so that I could tell when he's ready.

Do you think that you might do it sooner rather than later, or the other way around?
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #3  
January 31st, 2007, 12:37 PM
Gaby&Emmy'sMama's Avatar aka NZ-Emma
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 56,619
I will be telling Gaby about both of my losses. i'm not exactly sure when I will tell her, I guess once she is old enough to understand properly... I do think about it a lot
__________________






Reply With Quote
  #4  
January 31st, 2007, 01:23 PM
mommytothree
Guest
Posts: n/a
since I have older two who already know about their sister dying I don't think I could not tell Sadie even if I wanted too. We have Cassie's ashes and my oldest is very attached to her lost sister. If I say we have 3 kids she corrects me and says "No mommy, we have 4, don't forget Cassie!"

So yes, Sadie will know about Cassie. It is true Sadie would not be here if I had not lost Cassie. However, Sadie is the one who is supposed to be here. For whatever reason, karma, God, nature, whatever you believe in, decided that it was Sadie who was meant to be a living part of our family, not Cassie. I hope she never feels guilty or bad about that. She was the one who was meant to be here, now she better grow up and find the cure for cancer or something j/k.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
January 31st, 2007, 02:45 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
Yes, my children will all know about Cora. I have her picture and handprint displayed in the front room, along with her urn, which we filled with rocks from the bed of the lake where we spread her ashes.

We are also planning on returning to Jenny Lake every summer if we can.

I was 11 when I found out that my parents' first had been stillborn (@21 weeks due to an infection caused by a placental bleed). My father told me at a time when I was extremely depressed and off-handedly told him I wished I had an older sister. He told me that I did. I have felt a connection to her ever since.

Later, I found out that my mother had also had 2 miscarriages.


And just recently I found out that my mother, in fact, had a third miscarriage: my twin. That was kind of hard for me to take at first, but I think I've accepted it. It's made me look back on my life and realize that all those times I saw myself as the most alone person in the world, I never really was.

So, iamkc: Maybe you should tell Kannon about his twin. I think it would have been a very good thing for me to know during the loneliest of my days.
__________________
Thanks to babydoll213 for the siggy! My kids' blog Cora's blog


Reply With Quote
  #6  
January 31st, 2007, 03:36 PM
iamkc's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Montana
Posts: 8,137
Send a message via AIM to iamkc
Quote:
So, iamkc: Maybe you should tell Kannon about his twin. I think it would have been a very good thing for me to know during the loneliest of my days.[/b]
I think you're right. And I fully intend to. I just want to make sure that the others around us don't roll their eyes and demean it when Kannon talks about it. (How horrible would that be? And, yes, they are the types.)

I think that it's so sweet that you've always felt a connection to your siblings you lost. And how sweet of your DAD to be the one to tell you! (That seems so unusual for men in the generation above ours!)

Ugh. It would just be way nicer if we could have all of their siblings along with our living little ones...(How's that for stating the obvious?)
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #7  
January 31st, 2007, 03:43 PM
Just_Marie's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 28,159
I haven't thought about this. I've got a little pg journal I've been writing in for Nolan since we found out we were pg with him-and I've never mentioned the previous loss, or the TTC issues or anything. DH was an only child because his mom had four losses and one ectopic-he's always known about them but he's never brought it up. He's just certain that he doesn't want Noley to be an only child. I wanted Nolan's journal to be a happy thing-something I can read to him when he's older-I still write his milestones in it I really don't know if I'll tell him about the first baby we lost.
__________________
Mama to 5!
Reply With Quote
  #8  
January 31st, 2007, 06:04 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
Quote:
And how sweet of your DAD to be the one to tell you![/b]
Yeah, my mother still doesn't talk about it too much. She opened up a lot after I lost Cora, but it's still really hard for her. She never got to see Bethany or anything, the Dr. just took her little body out of the room. ((Of course, my mother DID have a temperature of 105* and was delirious from the infection she had...but still)) I think my dad was just very aware of how much I needed to know about Bethany right then.


I want my children to always know about Cora.
__________________
Thanks to babydoll213 for the siggy! My kids' blog Cora's blog


Reply With Quote
  #9  
February 1st, 2007, 06:02 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: kentucky
Posts: 1,130
Yes i will tell my children about my 2 losses. Even tho my losses were early 6 wks and almost 12 weeks, to me they were still my children. I am gonna tell Emily and C J. Dont know how but i will. My grandma lost her 1st he was 11days old, my mom lost her 1st he was stillborn between 5 and 6 months. My mom told me and i will tell mine.
__________________


img]
Reply With Quote
  #10  
February 1st, 2007, 06:03 PM
Nancy
Guest
Posts: n/a
we will tell both the kids at some point. Kyleigh does not know, all she knew when it happened was mommy was very sad. Lucas will know b/c i feel he should. I probably wont tell them until way into the future.
Reply With Quote
  #11  
February 1st, 2007, 07:08 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2005
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 2,406
Send a message via AIM to he910
I haven't really thought about it and I'm not sure if we will tell Jack or not. He's our first and I do tell him all the time that "mommy and daddy waited a long time for him to come" but I'm not sure I'll honestly tell him about my losses. I don't really have a reason why not to be honest.
__________________
Hillary
</span>



<span style="color:#333399">JACK MATTHEW BORN NOVEMBER 25TH AT 4:39PM WEIGHING 7LBS 11OZ, 20.5 INCHES





[/url]
Reply With Quote
  #12  
February 2nd, 2007, 05:08 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Northern Colorado
Posts: 2,423
I used to be pretty active in this room about this time last year. Some of you may know me from the other loss rooms. Just a little history before I answer this question. I have a DS that just turned 18 in January and my DH and I tried for many years to have other children but in the 17 1/2 years between our boys we lost 7 babies.

It never occurred to me to talk to my oldest DS about it and it never occurred to me that he would want to know about it. One day we were driving home from his job and he told me that one of the women he works with wanted to know why we waited so long to have more children. I told him "you know why, you know what happened to all the babies". But even in all his teenage wisdom he told me he didn't really understand. He told me he remembered seeing me suffer and in pain but he hadn't really thought about it. So I started at the beginning and told him the whole story about every one of my losses. When I was finished he was kind of quiet and then he said the most incredible thing. He said, "Wow, I guess Nick and I are the lucky ones because you and dad really wanted us and you went through a lot to have us". Sometimes he is so wise for his 18 years.

Will I tell my little one? ABSOLUTELY. I want him to know how loved he is and how much we wanted him and just what we were ready to sacrifice to have him. I also want him to know when he needs them, he has 7 guardian angels watching over him and protecting him. I want him to appreciate life and how fragile it is and how special it is. He has siblings that are not here so that he can be. If he's half as intelligent as his brother I think he'll get it.
__________________



visit my blog Rhondas random thoughts
Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:47 AM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0