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If so, when? My friend was just told by her mom that she lost a baby before he was conceived. He told me that it was really sad for him because the baby was born way too early and he knows that he wouldn't have been born unless that had happened. He said that although he knew it wasn't his fault, he felt real guilt. He also felt hurt that his mom didn't tell him sooner, she had pictures that she showed him. She said that she didn't think it was necessary that he know and that is was still very painful for her.
I intend to tell Lucas about the baby I lost, (I made a scrapbook page of the baby with its sonogram). I just hope he doesn't have the same sense of guilt that my friend has. Also, I just dont know when the best time to bring something like that up (as far as age goes). Am I stressing too much about this?
Wow. I have no idea. I've thought about it. It's very complicated, isn't it? I knew that my parents were SO angry toward each other and just got married because they were pregnant with me. I felt like their unhappiness and my siblings' unhappiness were a direct result of me. Silly, I know. I've thought the same thing about Kannon that your friend said. Will he see it as a sad thing because he wouldn't have been born otherwise, and because I'm sad about that loss? Will he think that that means that I would have preferred those babies?
Even more confusing for me: they're pretty sure that Kannon had a vanishing twin. DH is weird about it, as is everyone else. While I'm THRILLED about Kannon, I'm sad about his "other". Should he know this? I know that VT Syndrome is pretty common, and I think that I'm not supposed to think that it's a big deal, but it's still a loss and I absolutely feel like I had something taken from me again.
That wasn't an answer at all, was it? Just rambling. I guess the point is, I don't really know, but I feel like I'm in the same boat! I guess that I would have to get to know and understand him a bit growing up, so that I could tell when he's ready.
Do you think that you might do it sooner rather than later, or the other way around?
since I have older two who already know about their sister dying I don't think I could not tell Sadie even if I wanted too. We have Cassie's ashes and my oldest is very attached to her lost sister. If I say we have 3 kids she corrects me and says "No mommy, we have 4, don't forget Cassie!"
So yes, Sadie will know about Cassie. It is true Sadie would not be here if I had not lost Cassie. However, Sadie is the one who is supposed to be here. For whatever reason, karma, God, nature, whatever you believe in, decided that it was Sadie who was meant to be a living part of our family, not Cassie. I hope she never feels guilty or bad about that. She was the one who was meant to be here, now she better grow up and find the cure for cancer or something j/k.
Yes, my children will all know about Cora. I have her picture and handprint displayed in the front room, along with her urn, which we filled with rocks from the bed of the lake where we spread her ashes.
We are also planning on returning to Jenny Lake every summer if we can.
I was 11 when I found out that my parents' first had been stillborn (@21 weeks due to an infection caused by a placental bleed). My father told me at a time when I was extremely depressed and off-handedly told him I wished I had an older sister. He told me that I did. I have felt a connection to her ever since.
Later, I found out that my mother had also had 2 miscarriages.
And just recently I found out that my mother, in fact, had a third miscarriage: my twin. That was kind of hard for me to take at first, but I think I've accepted it. It's made me look back on my life and realize that all those times I saw myself as the most alone person in the world, I never really was.
So, iamkc: Maybe you should tell Kannon about his twin. I think it would have been a very good thing for me to know during the loneliest of my days.
So, iamkc: Maybe you should tell Kannon about his twin. I think it would have been a very good thing for me to know during the loneliest of my days.[/b]
I think you're right. And I fully intend to. I just want to make sure that the others around us don't roll their eyes and demean it when Kannon talks about it. (How horrible would that be? And, yes, they are the types.)
I think that it's so sweet that you've always felt a connection to your siblings you lost. And how sweet of your DAD to be the one to tell you! (That seems so unusual for men in the generation above ours!)
Ugh. It would just be way nicer if we could have all of their siblings along with our living little ones...(How's that for stating the obvious?)
I haven't thought about this. I've got a little pg journal I've been writing in for Nolan since we found out we were pg with him-and I've never mentioned the previous loss, or the TTC issues or anything. DH was an only child because his mom had four losses and one ectopic-he's always known about them but he's never brought it up. He's just certain that he doesn't want Noley to be an only child. I wanted Nolan's journal to be a happy thing-something I can read to him when he's older-I still write his milestones in it I really don't know if I'll tell him about the first baby we lost.
And how sweet of your DAD to be the one to tell you![/b]
Yeah, my mother still doesn't talk about it too much. She opened up a lot after I lost Cora, but it's still really hard for her. She never got to see Bethany or anything, the Dr. just took her little body out of the room. ((Of course, my mother DID have a temperature of 105* and was delirious from the infection she had...but still)) I think my dad was just very aware of how much I needed to know about Bethany right then.
Yes i will tell my children about my 2 losses. Even tho my losses were early 6 wks and almost 12 weeks, to me they were still my children. I am gonna tell Emily and C J. Dont know how but i will. My grandma lost her 1st he was 11days old, my mom lost her 1st he was stillborn between 5 and 6 months. My mom told me and i will tell mine.
we will tell both the kids at some point. Kyleigh does not know, all she knew when it happened was mommy was very sad. Lucas will know b/c i feel he should. I probably wont tell them until way into the future.
I haven't really thought about it and I'm not sure if we will tell Jack or not. He's our first and I do tell him all the time that "mommy and daddy waited a long time for him to come" but I'm not sure I'll honestly tell him about my losses. I don't really have a reason why not to be honest.
<span style="color:#333399">JACK MATTHEW BORN NOVEMBER 25TH AT 4:39PM WEIGHING 7LBS 11OZ, 20.5 INCHES
I used to be pretty active in this room about this time last year. Some of you may know me from the other loss rooms. Just a little history before I answer this question. I have a DS that just turned 18 in January and my DH and I tried for many years to have other children but in the 17 1/2 years between our boys we lost 7 babies.
It never occurred to me to talk to my oldest DS about it and it never occurred to me that he would want to know about it. One day we were driving home from his job and he told me that one of the women he works with wanted to know why we waited so long to have more children. I told him "you know why, you know what happened to all the babies". But even in all his teenage wisdom he told me he didn't really understand. He told me he remembered seeing me suffer and in pain but he hadn't really thought about it. So I started at the beginning and told him the whole story about every one of my losses. When I was finished he was kind of quiet and then he said the most incredible thing. He said, "Wow, I guess Nick and I are the lucky ones because you and dad really wanted us and you went through a lot to have us". Sometimes he is so wise for his 18 years.
Will I tell my little one? ABSOLUTELY. I want him to know how loved he is and how much we wanted him and just what we were ready to sacrifice to have him. I also want him to know when he needs them, he has 7 guardian angels watching over him and protecting him. I want him to appreciate life and how fragile it is and how special it is. He has siblings that are not here so that he can be. If he's half as intelligent as his brother I think he'll get it.