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This may be confusing to read. I apologize. I wrote this email to a friend earlier and it's so long but I need to get it out....
Well long story short. Please don't think I'm a flake. I have had this gut feeling for the last several months that we're not living our life right. All the fighting and cursing and you know we're just not the people I hoped we would be. I have had this nagging feeling that we need to start going to church more and make God more important in our lives.
Well I think I've said before because of Joe's thyroid thing he has a very over active sex drive and because of my problems I have a very under-active sex drive. This causes a lot of problems as well. I promise not to get to TMI here. Well, I'm not proud of it,(actually I'm very embarrassed and ashamed but it's relavent to the story) but after lots of nagging and bugging I let Joe take some pictures of me on his phone. (My face was not in them thank God and he erased of them last night). I kept getting more and more worried about things (the pics, and the way we are living, the way he talks to Me and Maggs sometimes). Not saying here that Joe is all bad and I'm perfect because I know Iím not and I just want to live a better life.
We are once again behind on bills and Iím not sure how we're gonna pay them....I don't know where the money goes. We paid for all of our trip cash I know we didnít blow it there. Anyway last night after Maggie went to bed I finally told Joe all of this.
I stayed very calm I told him how I was feeling and I figured that since he used to be so religious that he would understand. It all blew up in my face. He told me that I am an "emotional pysco" and I really need to look into getting on some medicine. He told me that I'm a bad wife and a bad mom and that he's not even sure if he loves me anymore. He wants me to cancel my appointment because he's "not gonna be a sperm donor". He said this has been coming on for several weeks. (then why are we still trying to have a baby?!) Of course I cried and cried then he said "oh did I hurt your feelings....how's it feel?" He said he gives and gives and never tells me no and always does anything to please me and he's not gonna do it anymore. I don't understand. I kept saying that too. I was completely blind sided by this. He said I don't even know him (how'm I suppose to get to know him when he won't talk to me?)
I knew we've had our fights and lately I felt like something was bothering him but he wouldn't talk when I asked so what could I do? I donít really know what's gonna happen. Joe says he doesn't know what he wants yet. I was up half the night crying and praying. You know what? I'm not that upset...well physically my body is upset but I am actually so calm right now. It's like whatever happens happens. Maybe this is what I need to get rid of the drama in my life get my life where I want it to be. The only thing I'm really upset about is Maggie. He told me last year when we were talking about divorce that he would fight me to the very end for Maggie. I'm really scared and worried about that. But I'm not to upset about him....maybe that should tell me something.
I'm a little worried about what people are gonna think too. Everyone knows we're trying now and when they ask me how it's going what am I suppose to say....Well I'm a bad wife and mom and I'm getting divorced instead....I can't say that. I'm just so confused.
I am so sorry.. I feel like I might be where you are in a while if things do not change for me either.. I don't really know what to tell you except to be really honest with yourself in this whole process. Don't worry about what ppl will think because at the end of the day it's not ppl you need to live with and please.
Thank you all so much. I'm still at a loss. I didn't see this coming...maybe I should have the signs were there. I'm still new to my spirituality so I'm trying to be true to myself and do things right in His eyes but I'm having trouble sorting it out.
I have tried the love dare. I made it through the first 10 days or so and gave up b/c he was unresponsive or pushed away all of it. We watched Fireproof together I thought maybe it would open his eyes also but I don't think it did.
I'm so sorry too. I've been through a divorce, but fortunately there were no children in that marriage. I was too blindsided, but in retrospect (you know what they say about 20/20) I can see that I missed- or ignored a lot of the signs.
If your husband has had a huge change in personality, I would wonder if there were outside motivations- not that this is the case, but things I would consider: drinking. My ex was binge drinking, he was also comiserating with young colleged aged single men at work. I found out when I got into his hotmail account and read his emails just what was being said to him, and the encouragement he was receiving for his sinful behavior. He was having nappropriate relationships with women online that led to a sexual encounter. We cancelled our home service and had to go to the library, and I caught him emailing a woman with which he had been unfaithful. There's no telling what he was doing at work. I know many women- Christian- whose husbands fight porn addictions. What this can do to someone's personality and affect their judgement is remarkable. The detachment that you describe in his words to you really makes me think that there are outside influences motivating this desire to no longer be married. Is he on myspace or facebook alot?
I think what you are doing- praying is the right thing. It was the failure of my first marriage that drove me from God to a period to which I call my Spiritual Dark years. I was so angry at God for such a long time. Pray for your husband and his heart. It also wouldn't hurt to try the love dare. My husband chose to leave me, not I him. I did everything to keep him, including degrading myself sexually for him. I believe that women should be available sexually for their husbands, but this was different. There was no intimacy, there was no love. He was rough, and he was trying to prove something to himself. There was no marital gain to be had from this, it was just a last ditch effort for me to "keep my man". In the end I felt totally used, because he had no intention of sticking around, he was just waiting for me to say "I've had enough" and no longer fight his desire to leave. The breaking point for me was when he said that he would continue to have whatever it was that he was having with women, and that he wasn't sorry for the ones he had had. My point is, that please don't think it is you. Had you been "the perfect wife". I don't think it has anything to do with your sex drive either- particularly if there are other issues. I'm sure these would still be issues. The worldly influence is hard to fight. I'll certainly pray for you, and come join us in Love Dare.
Also, I do want to say that he admitted later that he said a lot of things to hurt me- just to drive me away, so that is always a possibility. He once told me that he had a woman in every place he traveled for work. A few months later when I called him out on it, he was hurt and said that he'd only said that to hurt me. Look into the Love Dare. Seek counseling from a Christian Counselor. If he won't go with you- go alone. I believe that marriages are worth saving, and are worth fighting for- until there is nothing left to fight for.
That is a very tough situation and I wish I had some type of advise or wisdom to give you. The best I can say, hun, is that put your faith in the Lord. He knows what is right for us and the road we me take more than we do. I will keep you deeply in my prayers.
Thank you all so much. It has been a rough couple of days but DH has agreed that we need to work on things and that he does love me he was just trying to be hurtful. I have put off all TTCing for awhile. We have a long crappy road ahead of us. I'm hoping we can seek counseling through our pastor if he'll agree to go.
I'm just a little overwhelmed right now. You have no idea how much your kind words mean. None of you ladies even know me at all and you have said such wonderfully helpful things. I can't think you enough...you really have helped me through this so far...and stopped me from doing something I may have regreted, at least for now.