[babygreenes.mommy]

Religion is a very tender subject to me. I was involved in a religion for the first 19 years of my life. I loved being involved in it, I truly believed it was the right place to be. When I left, I left very broken. I didn't know what to believe, what to think, where to go. I was hurt, and I started to wonder if God even existed. My teen years, I was very suicidal. Thinking back now, I realize that it came with everything that was happening when I was in that religion. I was one who did everything the religion taught was right. I wanted to be in good favor with God. I wanted him to love me and see that I wanted to know him and do what was right. But nothing I did ever seemed good enough. I remember going and as soon as I walked in the doors, people wouldn't even acknowlege that I was there. Or if they did, they were talking down towards me.

I was determined to not let it get to me. I didn't want to take what people were saying and doing as a reason to leave God. I remember not having any friends there, nobody to really talk to. The couple that I thought were my friends turned out to be like everyone else. I was an outcast, because I was doing everything that they weren't. And I don't say that to be haughty, or conceded. But it was because I saw what they were doing, and what they were saying. A lot of the young people, I would see outside of the church. Living double lives. I could tell by the things they talked about at church. And then they would turn around and talk about me as if I was nothing.

I brushed it off, until the day that I was taken aside and told that God didn't love me. That he was angry at me because my mom had left the religion and I was still talking to her. They told me I would never be accepted by God if I didn't cut her off. The day my mom left was the day that they started teaching me the opposite of EVERYTHING i was taught the first 19 years of my life. How was I supposed to disown my mom, who raised me and loved me unconditionally, who was basically a single parent when it came to raising me and my 3 brothers. my dad was there, but he worked so much and my mom was left to do the actual parenting. How did they want me to let go of her, and to never talk to her again just because she felt that the religion wasn't right for her? They taught me my whole life that anyone in the religion had the free will to choose whether or not to be there. Nobody was forcing them. And yet, when members choose to leave, they are shunned.

I left, and I was and still am determined to never return. After much struggle, I do believe in God. I do believe that they were lying to me, and that God does love me. But I am so confused, and I will never return to that religion again. I am almost 24 years old, pregnant with my 1st child. I think about my former beliefs everyday and about my friend who is involved in the religion and who no longer talks to me. Part of me believes that she isn't really my friend, but then a part of me believes that it's just the religion talking. It is a cult, and I'd like to believe that my friend, who never had it easy as a child, just wants what she thinks is best for her little boy who is now a year old. After all, that's all any parent wants for their child. But I think of her everyday and wish that she wasn't involved in it, because I know that there is a chance she will never talk to me again.

I feel like I owe it to my child to give them the part of their childhood that I never had. I believe I had a great childhood, but as far as the religion I was involved in, I wish I could completely wipe it out of my life. I want that part to be different for my baby. I don't blame my mom for taking me. She was raised in that faith as well, and she just thought she was doing the right thing. That's the thing about cults. They MAKE you believe what they WANT you to believe. It carries a hold on people. I want the best for my baby, and I'm never going back. But I need help. How do I completely rip it from my life? How do I stop thinking about it? How do I let go of the hurt?

Please somebody help me!!

[mamma_anna]

First of all, Hi Sarah!!! to the Christian parenting board! I'm really glad you posted in here and I hope you'll stick around. It's a really supportive group and we love answering questions. I'm looking forward to getting to know you better.
Congratulations on your pregnancy!! Praying for many blessings for your growing family!

Now on to your post.... I've prayed over this and I hope you'll find my response somewhat helpful.

It breaks my heart to hear that you have been so badly hurt by the church. This is absolutely not what Christ intended! I too was burned very badly by my childhood church (though not quite in the same way as what you are describing) and it took me a while to heal and be able to trust other Christians again. But it is possible. God will take away your hurt.

My pastor preaches a lot about how Jesus HATES religion. I absolutely believe this is true.
Religion is about following rules... rules that none of us can realistically follow all the time, making us all hypocrites and forcing us to pretend that we know what God wants for everyone. Religion actually separates us from God.
Jesus is about relationship. HE LOVES YOU and he wants a personal relationship with you. I would encourage you to focus on that for a while. Read your bible as often as you can and pray over the scripture. Listen for what God wants to tell you. Ask Him to come into your heart and block out all the lies that you've been told so that all you hear is His voice. Let Jesus remind you of how loved you are by Him. I believe that all He wants from us is to live our lives in response to that love and the details of how we do that are different for everyone and they don't really matter in the end.

I don't mean to say that going to church isn't important. It is. God wants us to find support and fellowship in a community of faith. He created us to be interdependent social people. Faith grows when you have people to share it with. And in the *right* church it can be especially beneficial to you as a new parent to have that support. (I suspect you think so too or you wouldn't have posted here.)
I would suggest though, that you take your time and try out a few different churches before really getting involved in one. Let God lead you to the right place. It may take a while but He'll tell you when you've found it.

As far as your friend goes.... all you can do right now is pray for her. When the time is right you can reach out to her. Tell her you've been praying for her and you'd like to reconnect. Then leave it in God's hands. If she's meant to be in your life she will be.

You're making the right decision to try and move on from this. And I'm glad you're trying to do it without walking away from God. You can't completeley "rip it from your life". This expirience will always be a part of you, but Jesus is really, really good at turning ugly things into something beautiful. He will do that for you. Let Him take away your hurt.

Many, many and prayers!

Blessings,
Anna

[Mattiez]

Hi Sarah

Welcome to the board. I am glad you posted.
Anna has some great advice, and I would love to respond to your post more fully too. Hopefully tonight I will have a chance to get on for more that a few minutes to post.

I am sorry for all that has happened to you.
HUGS Mattiez

[Mattiez]

Sarah

I am sorry you got tangled in such a sticky web of lies. I say it is lies because
I brushed it off, until the day that I was taken aside and told that God didn't love me.
One thing I do want to assure you of is the God loves you very, very much. More than anything else on this whole earth. You are his child and just like you said,
just wants what she thinks is best for her little boy who is now a year old. After all, that's all any parent wants for their child. If your friend can want this for her son, how much more does your heavenly father want that for you, his child.

Even though, right now, this barrier seems too big to get over, with God's help and the passage of time, I pray you will be able to sort through all this and make peace with what happened. I hate to say, but you will never be able to rip this from your life completely. Just like anyone else who has been abused, ether emotionally, mentally, physically or sexually it really hurts and you can't just close your eyes and make it all go away. As much as you would want to.

The good part is there is healing, forgiveness and reconciliation in the love of Jesus for YOU.

Talk to Jesus about it. Really talk to him, Not the formal prayer kind of stuff. Tell him that you are mad, hurt, betrayed, etc. ask him the really hard questions. Pray for your mother and try to reach out to her and rebuild your relationship. Pray for you friend and look for the opening that may come to reach out to her.

Forgiveness is a POWERFUL tool. It does WAY more good to you than it does for the other person. Hate, resentment, hurt and anger are like a strong poison that just rots away your spirit/soul/self. It usually does nothing against the person/people that you are holding it towards but it rots away your own self.

If you are at the point of, "There is NO WAY that I can forgive them for what they did to me", That is OK to know that you are there. Come to Jesus with something like this," Jesus I really want to get rid of all this resentment in my life towards_________ but I just cant do it, I can't let it go. I've been hurt too bad, You are going to have to show me how I am supposed to do it. Please help me." And keep praying, Pray for you son, your DH, your friend, your mom, the whole church.

Have you talked to your mom about any of this? It sounds like you and her have gone though much of the same struggles of leaving the church. You might be surprised how similar your stories may be. She may have some insight into everything that went on.

Give your self time to heal and give God the room to work in your life. He is wanting to make something beautiful out of you.
Mattiez