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  #1  
August 31st, 2012, 07:36 PM
jeweluv's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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So, a year ago on August 5th at 11:55 I believe I was saved as my bff who had been witnessing to me, showed me how and I confessed my need for JESUS and asked him to be my personal savior. At the moment I was so excited, but weary, thoughts were filling my head with doubts but I think they were intusive thoughts bc I wanted this! For years I have felt compelled to the LORD, despite being raised in a house that did not recognize him.

I married a Jewish man who, funny, does not really feel religiousely Jewish. However, he rejects Christ and wants his children to be considered Jewish. He has two kids from a previous marriage and we have two girls together. He knows the children will know what mommy believes in her heart and I pray that he and THEM will be saved too.

DH is a doctor which makes him very into science. For him, believing this all is "fantasy." He agrees that there might be a GOD but that is just as much likely as there is not. He struggles to believe that the earth is really only 6,000 years old or so, based on evidence such as carbon dating and seeing galexies/stars form millions of light years away. I have read counter arguements to why these "scientific" explanations could be wrong but when it comes down to it there are certain things we just KNOW are 99% prooven....like the world beind round. Science can't give an exact age of the earth and he says that, but it is certainly millions of years old. I explained that a flood could have aged things and that they have found dinosaurs with human remains. When I explain to him about Noah's ark and how he took two of everything, he says "so, they took two ants, two ameobas.....etc, etc." I have no answer to this.

So, I'm struggling with a few things. We have free will. The LORD wants us to choose him with our heart so that it is true fellowship. This has more to do with our heart's attitude then our works as "our works are like filthy rags." If people are governed by their hearts, which are governed by their feelings, which none of us can control, then is the "free will" to reject really accurate? For instance, let's say that DH doesn't want to reject Christ deep down, BUT his heart is telling him that as great as this may seem, there is too much disputing it. As much as he would want to believe, if he doesn't feel it, he would be lying if he said he did. Is this still him choosing to reject or simply him following his heart/feelings, which we all know we are not in control of? If we are not in control of our feelings than we are not in control of our heart's attitude. Maybe people reject CHRIST not bc of any other reason but their feelings tell them to. Are they still responsible? How can someone be held accountable for feelings in which they can't control? Actions, yes....but works are not what get us saved.

I have been doing bible studies and I have been working with my BFF'S family whose dad is a pastor. I have some guidance but it is still tough.


Lastly, and maybe most important. I have always heard that "God will only give us what we can handle." I have severe OCD and it is centered around Cancer. I fear my children or me getting it more than ANYTHING IN THE WORLD....it is a chronic and severe struggle for me. In my life I have gone through an emotionally abusive relationship, Anorexia, and other things. Not to mention my OCD is torturous at best. I feel like my faith could carry me through anything BUT if something were to happen to my children. I know this is fickle but I can't help but feel that for me, if GOD allowed something to happen to them, that I would be able to continue to worship. This is awful and I hate that this in itself makes me have doubts for TRUE FAITH and believing can never be disputed. I know it is normal for people to question their faith when something awful happens and I know loosing a child is not easy for ANYONE. Yet, the fear is on my mind 24/7 because of my brain chemistry. I pray that he knows this would kill my soul and never allows it to happen; even though sin and us have brought disease on ourselves. Any thoughts?

Any advice guidance would be such a BLESSING! I am not "allowed" to attend church right now and I am the only one in me entire family who is 1. a Christian and 2. Saved. Moreso, if anything my fam is completely the opposite. The only Christian fellowship I have is through my bff which I am eternally grateful for. xoxoxo Many prayers............hope everyone is well in life and in their hearts and sprits!!! Peace be with you!!
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  #2  
August 31st, 2012, 08:00 PM
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Hey, just wanted to apologize for all the tedius questions....I just want my faith to be as strong as possible and to have the answers I need to help my family and even myself............
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  #3  
September 1st, 2012, 02:46 PM
Countrymom4's Avatar Chrystal
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Welcome !! We have a great bunch of ladys here that can help you.

I will try to anwser some of your questions. Not being able to attend church- there is lots of ways, there is online services, dvds, cds and books that can help you grow spiritually.

I will come back to this, I just have to run.
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  #4  
September 1st, 2012, 09:24 PM
jeweluv's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thank you so much! ReAlly, thank you!
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  #5  
September 3rd, 2012, 02:02 PM
mamma_anna's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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First of all, WELCOME!! I'm so glad you joined us here! No need to appologize for asking lots of questions. We love answering them.

As Chrystal said, there are lots of ways to be spirtiually fed besides going to church. Reading books, online services and bible studies, meeting with Christian friends for fellowship and prayer, and yes, even being on this board here on JM. It's certainly fed me. That being said, I do believe that being a part of a community of faith that worships together on a regular basis is important for spiritual growth. God designed us to live in fellowship with one another. No one can stand alone. I will be praying that this can change for you at some point in the future but in the mean time, try to find other ways to nurture your relationship with Christ. Seek out Christian friends and mentors wherever you can.

I'm not very science minded so I won't be very much help in that area but I will say that I do believe science and faith are not mutually exclusive. They can co-exist. There are a lot of great scientists and theologians (sp?) who have studied the creation story and the theory of evolution in depth and have come up with several theories to support their co-existence. I don't pretend to understand any of it so I'm not going to go in to detail. A pastor that I really respect often says, "Don't try to make the bible answer questions it doesn't answer. Read the bible for what it is trying to tell you, not what it is NOT trying to tell you." The creation account in the bible tells us the who (God) and the why (love). It doesn't tell us the how (science).

As far as "free will" and not being able to control your feelings, I have to say that I disagree a little bit with that. I think you can control your feelings to some extent. I didn't always believe this so I do understand where you're coming from but I've learned to think about it differently. My youngest daughter was in treatment for ptsd for a while and through that we learned a lot about how feelings and behaviors affect eachother. We learned that changing our behaviors in response to a situation can change the way we feel about it. In the moment, you are right that it is difficult to control our feelings but once we recognize them we can control our behavior and that can lead to a different feeling. So to your point about your DH not wanting to reject Christ but feeling there's too much disputing evidence, he can choose to seek out knowledge and wisdom and support that would change his thinking about those feelings. He can choose to pray or read the bible, or seek counsel from Christians (all behaviors) and if he really wants to be open to it then his feelings would change.

I don't know if I'm making any sense here so let me try this... This is where the Holy Spirit comes in. The Spirit does the work to change our hearts. Yes your husband has to make the choice to accept a relationship with Christ but when the Spirit is involved I believe it would be nearly impossible for him to reject if it's something that deep down, he really wants, no matter what kind of "evidence" or "lack of evidence" is clouding his mind.

Okay now to your last question.... This one is especially personal for me. None of my children have ever had cancer but my youngest does have multiple special needs. We are in and out of the hospital with her constantly and we have come very close to loosing her more than once. It does absolutely test my faith! I do get angry with God. I beg and bargain and cry and scream and all of those things. But it doesn't make my faith in Him any less true. In fact I think it strengthens it. We have been blessed witlh support from a wonderful community of friends and family. People that God placed in our lives for a purpose at exactly the time that we needed them. This Strengthens my faith.

I believe that being a Christian is about having a RELATIONSHIP with Christ. Because we are human and faulible, no relationship we have will ever be perfect, including our relationship with Him. He know's this and expects it. It's okay to be angry with God. He won't leave us! No matter what we are facing, no matter how hard we try to push him away. He will always pursue us. Did you know that the first question in the bible is God asking, "Adam, where are you?"? This was right after he ate the fruit. He was ashamed and scared and hiding from God. God is and has always been a God who pursues us even in our darkest hours.

I say all this just to emphasize that no matter what happens to you or your family in the future, God will always be there. I don't believe it's good to live in fear of what might happen but I understand that's easier said than done sometimes. Knowing that Jesus will always be with me no matter what comes is what gives me the greatest comfort and allows me to be confident that ALL things will work for his Glory! Even when I can't see it.

I believe that you and your children will be fine. The Lord doesn't want sickness for us. He doesn't want us to suffer. But when we are in those situations, He is always there.

Okay I've written a novel! (or maybe an encyclopedia ) I'm going to stop now. If you're still reading you deserve a cookie or something.

Please stick around and keep posting.
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Last edited by mamma_anna; September 3rd, 2012 at 02:36 PM.
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  #6  
September 3rd, 2012, 02:50 PM
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I gotta get my MacBook so I can type a lot....I'm on the iPad now. I'll be typing several volumes of encyclopedias! Lol
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~ Ginger



For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb...I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made...My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together...Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139: 13-16

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  #7  
September 3rd, 2012, 03:20 PM
mamaginger's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I'll probably make multiple posts replying to each thing you brought up. The first part is about your husband being scientific. I actually just had this whole discussion with some girls from my old birth club so I'm going to copy/paste some of it here for you. The discussion was about whether the earth/universe was created in 6 literal days and about evolution-type stuff:
----------------------

They absolutely WERE literal 24 hour days. Each time it says what he created that day it says "it was EVENING and MORNING...the first DAY." "it was EVENING and MORNING...the second DAY." If the english language means ANYTHING...we know what the words Evening, Morning, and Day mean. Compromising with atheistic scientists to try to make their theories fit into the creation story is just that....compromising. There's no need to do it. They don't believe the Bible anyway. There's no need in trying to make creation mesh with evolution. One is true and one is false. Some Christians like to take a verse from 2 Peter completely out of context and use it like a math equation and plug it into Genesis. The verse says something like: with God a day is as a thousand years and a thousand years as one day. This whole passage is talking about people scoffing about the return of Jesus. They will say he's not coming. They will say "look how long its been since Jesus died and said he would return...he's not coming back." So Peter is merely saying that to GOD...the 2 thousand years that have passed since Jesus' death are NOTHING. He is an eternal being. Eternity is NOTHING compared to a couple thousand years. There's No reason and no basis whatsoever to take that verse out of context, plug it into Genesis and make 6 days into 6000 years. Even if you did...that doesn't equal the 64 million or whatever it's up to now .....that the atheistic evolutionist claim.

Here's the whole issue: We feel the need to make God's word fit a man-made theory (evolution) and that's not necessary. I believe our 7 day week came straight from Genesis...not the Romans. When God created the earth it was already a mature earth. He formed Adam from the dust but he was already a full-grown man when he was 1 second old. God didn't give them seeds to plant trees and food....there were already full grown trees and plants. There were already mountains and rocks. So when everything was "brand new" it was already as if it were old and established. They didn't have to wait millions of lightyears for the light from the stars to reach the earth. It all happened the day it was created. I don't have to make that make sense scientifically because it's supernatural. God is a supernatural being with supernatural powers. If he is limited by science and man's understanding then he's not even God anymore. What purpose would there be in having an all-powerful, omnipotent, omniscient supernatural God if He were only able to do what man can do or understand?

This part we were talking about dinosaurs/fossils:

If you or a scientist go out and find a bone, all you know about it is it DIED. It doesn't have a date on it. Yes scientists have come up with methods and theories of dating them but they are just that...theories. THey can not PROVE that in a lab. Carbon dating has already been proved unreliable so they've changed to something else. What you don't know are the biases and beliefs that those theories BEGIN with. Have any of you researched fossil dating yourself? Do you actually know how they do it? Do you actually know what assumptions these scientists make before they declare the magic number? You have faith in what "a man" says because you have chosen to believe and have faith in a man called a scientist. It is no different than me having faith in "a man" called a prophet or an apostle. They are JUST men....just like "my" men of the Bible.

You choose who you believe. There are Christian scientists. They begin with God where atheist scientists begin with no God. Each have the same materials to research and may even use the same methods but they will come to different conclusions based on their beliefs. Both are biased so you have to choose. When it comes to provable experiments done in a lab (that don't require "millions of years" since scientists conveniently won't ever be able to wait around to prove their point)...a christian scientist and an atheist scientist will come to the same conclusion and have the same results. This is REAL science. No christian and nothing in the Bible has a problem with that kind of science.

I know scientists like to date things using the layers in the earth. If they find something in the same layer, they THEORIZE that they lived/died about the same time. If something is down on a lower layer, then it "must" be much, much older. Well, how about take into account drastic weather events. Did the tsunami in India a couple years ago not drastically change the landscape? Did it not kill thousands of living things all at once? Bury them under many layers of floodwaters? Catastrophic weather events change layering. You can't just take a sample not knowing what catastrophic weather events may have occurred in that area over the past 5000 years. That will change where and how dead things are buried. It doesn't mean they died millions of years apart.

Again with the dating of bones....ok, go dig up some human bones and some animal bones and lets figure out how old they are. How do you even do that??? You HAVE to come up with an idea out of your own head for what MAY be a way to tell age. It's only an idea. It's not "proven." All we know is it died. It just died. Just the other day Denton was sorting coins. There were shiny pennies and there were dull, dirty pennies. Ok lets pretend they did NOT have dates stamped on them. We would use our brains to decide that the shinier pennies are newer and the dull, dirtier pennies are older....right??? I mean, that makes sense. Ok, here's the problem. He had a pretty shiny penny that was a few years old. Then he had a really horribly dirty, dull and messed up looking penny. Was it 100 years old?? Nope. It was even newer than the shiny penny. Somebody put that penny through some crap. It made it SEEM like it was older based on appearance. NO scientist anywhere on this planet knows what happened to that specific bone they just found. They don't know the weather, the disease, the manner of death....NOTHING. It's just like the pennies. The only difference is with the pennies we DO have a date stamped on it so we know that the penny must have really been through some major crap to have that old appearance.
------------------------------

Ok, that was a lot....I hope that didn't totally overwhelm you.

Encyclopedia Volume 2 coming next.... ;o)
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For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb...I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made...My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together...Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139: 13-16

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  #8  
September 3rd, 2012, 03:41 PM
mamaginger's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Ok, second thing to address is your question about believing in God based on your feelings. The Bible says to "love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul and all your strength." This is not based on feelings. There are days when I don't "feel" like certain biblical things are true but I BELIEVE. There are days when I don't "feel" the love for my husband but I still LOVE him. We can't base anything on feelings because they are so fickle. Your heart, mind and soul together accept and believe or reject and disbelieve. If you are saved and have the Holy Spirit inside of you, He will help you, teach you and guide you. He will cause you to see and understand things that an unbeliever won't see or understand. Your eyes and ears have been opened.

John 3 says "Whoever believes in him (Jesus) is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son." "Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life, but whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for God's wrath remains on him."

Proverbs 3:5 says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; lean NOT on your own understanding"

Yes, the Bible does say our "righteousness is like filthy rags" but that is only in the sense of our good works "saving" us. We are absolutely still required to do good works and live holy lives as best we can. The Bible also says "Faith without works is dead." If you say you believe but never show it or actually DO anything to prove it, what good is it? If you say you love someone but don't DO anything to show that love, then will they really believe you love them?
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~ Ginger



For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb...I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made...My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together...Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139: 13-16

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  #9  
September 3rd, 2012, 04:06 PM
mamaginger's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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omg....i just typed this whole long thing about anxiety and ocd....and it's gone....... :*( I'll have to come back and retype it in a little while *cry*
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~ Ginger



For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb...I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made...My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together...Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139: 13-16

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  #10  
September 3rd, 2012, 04:51 PM
mamaginger's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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*sigh* well anyway....I was just saying I understand the anxiety about children. I've always feared my son's death from the time I was pregnant. I had a specific fear of him being run over by a car...mainly in a driveway by a family member. I have also recently had fears creep up in this pregnancy. The way Jesus fought Satan's attacks and temptations on him in the Bible was to quote scripture. That is the best way to fight him. He is attacking you in your mind to strip away your new faith and cripple you. Here are some verses you can quote:

"God has not given me a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind."

"I have plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future."

Quote these aloud when you are feeling anxious.

Ok....sending and then typing some more so I don't get burned again!!
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~ Ginger



For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb...I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made...My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together...Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139: 13-16

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  #11  
September 3rd, 2012, 05:05 PM
mamaginger's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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As for losing faith in God if something happened to our children....I understand that fear. I wouldn't lose my faith in Him but I know I would question and be angry. But that would be the time I needed him most. Our faith can NOT be conditional on anything....even our own children's lives. In the gospels, Jesus even says something to the effect of "If you hate not your father and mother, you can not follow me" Now, we know Jesus doesn't teach hate. The whole Bible preaches love. What he's saying is that even as much as we love our family members, that love should be like hate in comparison to our love for Jesus. He HAS to be first. He has to be more important than anything. That seems "sacrilegious" to say to a mother but that's the truth.

God tested Abraham to see if he was willing to sacrifice his son Isaac and he ultimately WAS willing to obey God as much as it hurt him. HOWEVER....even in this example, God didn't take Isaac. He provided a Ram to be sacrificed and Isaac lived. So don't let the devil trick you and lie to you that God will try to test your love for him by harming your child. That's a lie. God's plan is to "prosper you and not to harm you." That is what his word says. Yes, tragedies happen to people and they are hard to understand but God is still faithful and loving and it's not his "will" for anyone to suffer, be sick or die.

I can't remember all of it , but in Ephesians it says, "Whatever things are true, lovely, pure, of good report, ....think on THESE things..." These are the things God wants you to think about. He doesn't want you thinking about negative things, sickness, disease or death. Those are things Satan wants you to think about. You belong to God now. Think on true, lovely, good things.

Love and Hugs and Prayers and I hope some of that helped you.
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~ Ginger



For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb...I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made...My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together...Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139: 13-16

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  #12  
September 3rd, 2012, 05:28 PM
jeweluv's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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OMG, this was such a blessing! You women helped me so greatly!! I am so thankful =))) I really believe that there is some proof to science but that no matter what we are not meant to understand certain things nor capable of it. I always equate it to "Can an ant EVER make a computer?" No, because that type of intellect and knowedge is beyond it. We will NEVER undersand the divine while we are in this world bc we are simply not capable of it. We need to have faith and the whole idea that we have this instinct to do so, shows that the HOLY spirit does come upon us.

As for the anxiety and OCD, I try to have faith that my biggest obsession is that the LORD will allow something to happen to my children or take me from the; will not come true and that it is maybe even a tactic of Satan or sin to cause me to distrust or distract. No one can handle the death of a child so when GOD says "he only gives you what you can handle."....this baffles me. I think about this fear all day, every day! Without exaggerating!! I never take for grantid the time I have with my kids and in some ways it would be prob better if I was able to just relax and enjoy it more. I have been praying about the whole feeling/heart attitude question struggle and I think it came to me today!!! So, as I observe my husband saying he simply does not FEEl it is true and then feeling like well since one is not in control of ones feelings, than his rejection of CHRIST is not his choice. BUT...in silence the answer came after months of not understanding. Yes, one may have feelings of doubt and questioning but often with that, comes a spark of "maybe it is true?" I think bc of man's pride and free will he can CHOOSE to push GOD to the side as the answer so that he can reign. This is a choice. There have been many times I have questioned BUT, bc of that desire in me, I have chosen to look further and have strengthened my faith.

My anxiety and specific fear of loosing my children is a common worry of all parents but I think bc of my severe OCD, the frequency is much more intense. Instead of having the awful thought here and there, I dwell constantly. I just pray with all my heart an soul that nothing ever happens. It is my biggest fear! (I know it is everyone's) but it is so metastisized (bad word and manifested in me. In fact, just saying it is causing me to feel like GOD is going to want me to prooe true trust and faith, allow myself or my kids to get sick and die, just so I can show him if I REALLY have faith. I know GOD is not vindictive and know this riduculous but darn those thoughts!!!

I really felt so happy to come on here and read all your wonderful responses. Thank you so much and I plan to be a permanent resident on here. Thank you all for sharing your personal stories and accounts...it was ver generous and appreciated!! xoxoxoxoxoo


Always,
Erica =))
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  #13  
September 3rd, 2012, 05:34 PM
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I so dont want my love to be conditional or fickle for him but OMG, I'd be lying if I didn't say my children are at the top. What do I do about that? The only reason I would question my faith if GOD FORBID anything ever were to happen is bc i feel like GOD knows me and has known this fear inside me for so long, my achillies' heel, and I feel like he knows it would kill my soul; or feel like it.

I don't want to tempt him but I am paralyzed by the thought. I think you are right in that these are all things Satan wants us to concentrate on. The LORD is ONLY GOOD, and Satan is bad...........so perhaps our faith and trust in him is strengthened by focusing on all the positive since that is what is of GOD. When we focus on the negative we are giving our attention to Satan? (That just came to me) lol
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  #14  
September 3rd, 2012, 06:10 PM
mamaginger's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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God has given you that love and protectiveness for your children. Just think....YOU are HIS child. He loves you like that. He doesn't want to harm you. He wants you to prosper and be of good health. Focus on that.
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~ Ginger



For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb...I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made...My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together...Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139: 13-16

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  #15  
September 4th, 2012, 09:40 AM
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I'm not going to try and answer all the questions I'm just going to support what other mamas have told you.

And, I want to welcome you to this board!! Great bunch of ladies here! I'm Ashley, wife to Sam, and mommy to Kynslee (11months). Your daughter are adorable and I just LOVE that pic of them - so cute and priceless!
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  #16  
September 6th, 2012, 03:00 PM
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I do not quite understand the questions but all I know is that when I was first saved as a child I did question a lot but had no answers from anyone. I tried to ask my husband years ago about being saved as a child but he said tht he did not have time to speak to me about my concerns. He called them silly & thwt i am not understanding right or reading right. The preacher is out of the question since I do not feel comfy speaking to any man. Not even my husband Lol! So being saved for me is just accepting Jesus dying for my sins. Period. I do not feel I need to know anything else. I believe so that settles it. I hope I go to heaven. I really have this fear that I will be going to hell. I can not shake it. My husband is 100% confident that he is going to heaven. Me? I do not feel 100%. But I have to keep going on. My husband in the past said once to try harder to be a good Christian woman & not to think too much. So that is what I strive for. Not thinking about it & this is bad I know: perfection. Lol What else is there to do? What else is there to have hope in? The world & this life is all so hopeless for the most part.

Last edited by virtuous; September 6th, 2012 at 03:09 PM.
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  #17  
September 6th, 2012, 07:26 PM
jeweluv's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,395
oh, virtuous =(( We can learn together!!! I don't know much but I do have some good teachers. Just the fact that you are worried and concerned shows that you care and havea sincere heart. That is All god WANTS. He knows we can't help ourselves. Just as much as a rabbit can't control it being a rabbit, we are human and cannot control how sinful we are. In fact, whether you happen to try or "succeed" in being a good Christian woman or not, is all works. Half of the works out there done in perceived "goodness" are still all full of sin. I will share somethig personal. I try to do a lot of good natured things for people and love everyone but there is a HUGE part of me that gets gratification from it. True good deeds are selfless. The fact that I do it and FEEL good about it, and maybe even proud, is sinful. So, whether or not you do all the "right" things are not does not make you less sinful or deserving. In fact, in all honesty...your humble heart of being fearful, curious, or wondering is prob more pleasing to GOD. (can't and won't speak for him though.)

I'm sure your husband is an amazing man but in some ways it almost sounds as if you have a leg up on him. Instead of taking your salvation for grantid and feeling that you've done a perfect job with it, you are being honest with yourself. We all have doubts and questions and the LORD knows that, understand that, and expects that. He wants us to come to him with that. I pray that any questions you have will be answered through him and maybe through silent times in prayer with him.

Bless you!!!!
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