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I know I was disloyal to GOD (facade put on this weekend)

Forum: Christian Parenting


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  • 1 Post By jeweluv
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October 7th, 2012, 03:18 PM
jeweluv's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,395
Okay, I know this is terrible but I guess what I'm hoping is to confess this to you ladies and in some ways grow and come to terms with this.

Venting begining.....

Sooo, when I married DH I was not saved. when we were dating I was Catholic which he accepted though of course didn't love. I am a people pleaser which is a bad thing bc I loose myself sometimes in order to avoid conflict. It became hard for me to see dh displeased with my belief system and I think I decided to dabble in Judiasm in hopes of having unity with him. Also, there was a part of me that felt connected to it bc my grandparents on my Mom's side are Jewish....not by religion, but more so just tradition. Well, after meeting my BFF and a year of her witnessing to me, I was saved and found my way back to the LORD. AMEN! But, big but......my in-laws! My in laws are EXTREMELY JUDGEMENTAL AND only associate with other Jewish people; it is clear that they wanted their son to marry a Jewish person and was upset that he didn't the first time. His ex was Chrsitian, though I think more out of habbit not true beleif. They always said they didn't like her because she was mean, which she was and is, but admit that her not being Jewish was part of it. If she wasn't such a bad person, they would have accepted her but I'm not so sure of this. A few years ago I posted pics of my dd in a red Christmas dress on fb and their exact words were "they were devestaded and embrassed and that they knew it was wrong to feel that way, but they did." We celebrate Christmas at my parents house. My dad was raised Catholic though he is an athiest. My mom was raised Jewish, but LOL, happens to love Christmas for more of the commercial stuff then because of the LORD. LOL..I had an interesting and confusing upbringing to say the least. When my in laws met my parents, my mom played the Jewish card a bit more. After a while, this faded. So, I know how they truly feel.

I, as most of you know, have been struggling with keeping my head above water in relation to my faith in my own home. DH is an athieast and the rest of my ENTIRE family does not even consider or hear my beliefs. It's hard to be new in your faith and yet feel so alone. Thank GOD for my best friend and her family bc they are my only source of fellowship. (including you gals) As much as I have learned so much and my faith has grown it is always challenging to be around people who are very smart, who raised you a certain way and because you are "used to them/it" not start to drift away again.

Dh has had his issues with his parents. He does not want them to know about my beliefs because things are finally a bit better and to rock the boat again would cause a lot of stress.

Confession: I played "the part" this weekend. I feel so ashamed. Sometimes I wonder if I really know who I am or what I believe bc I get sucked into pleasing everyone that I forget to be true to myself. I'm afriad to. I absolutely am terrified of conflict, hate making people mad, and have a hard time with people judging me.

I mentioned to my MIL that I pulled my dd from pre-school bc I didn't agree with the way they forced us to seaparate and my MIL suggested that I send her to a Jewish pre-school bc they usually are good. I didn't dare mention and say "um, no way, bc I want my girls to follow CHRIST." So, all I said was "Well, they are not that good around here." That was terrible of me. I should haver said the real reason and MORE SO, I should have said that my dream was to homeschool them. But, I didn't. Instead I kind of made it seem as if I wanted my dd to go to school. Ugh, this is so embarassing.

Another thing I did which was disloyal to myself. I breastfeed my 17 month old dd still. Both my girls co-sleep with dh and I. Dh hates it but it began when my youngest dd was born and nursed in bed with me and slowly my older one made her way into our bed too. This sort of stuff is apalling to them! When we talked of it, instead of just saying this works for us (grantid my dh was sitting there saying how much he hates it so that didn't help)......I just kind of spun it as my older dd has night terrors which is true, and that this is sort of where it stems from.

And this is the worst =( My in laws are EXTREMELY SUPERFICIAL.....EXTREMELY! I'M TALKING DESIGNER EVERYTHING, HOUSE THAT LOOKS LIKE A MUSUEM, HIRED HELP FOR EVERYTHING! They recommended me hiring a nighttime nurse to take care of my babies at night so I could sleep. This was crazy to me not to mention...who has the money for a cleaning lady, a gardner, etc.? I also wanted to do it myself and would never consider this! I am very frugal and not materialistic. I don't care what brand my clothes are and well, my house is very lived in. When they come I feel like my family and I play dress up. We wear our best clothes, the clothes I know they would like, and really put it on. =( I don't believe in young girls growing up too fast and yet I sort of make it seem that it's okay that my 11 yr old stepdaughter wears a little make-up on our special night out and that it's cute that my 3 yr old wears this sparkly little skirt. UGH....ashamed. I hate conflict.

I think in some ways I sort of just pretend to be another person for a few days. Sometimes it's fun and I feel guilty. My MIL is ver savy and convincing. At times, after spending a weekend with them, I start to question all my beleifs and faiths and start to put more value in theirs; which is unbelief. All the "voices " in my entire family, not just in laws, starts "screaming " at me "maybe I am being sucked in...etc." I don't think I feel this way and more importantly I DON'T WANT TO!

Between justmommies Christian Parenting board and me, if my in laws straight up asked me if I was saved I don't know what I would do. I'm terrified! After all the LORD has done for me/us I have nerve! How can I ask anything of him if this is how I act? I'm clearly fickle. I feel like to the world, everyone but my in laws, I can wtiness and be true to myself, I can show the world my faith but to them, I hide it. It's terrible and I already know it's wrong on may levels. I shouldn't do it. I shouldn't feel the way I do or that I have to hide it and yet I just am so scared of the whole situation.

................they are back on a place to Fl now. I do love them and enjoy them but I always anticipate all this. I know I barely even tried to be myself and honor GOD. I feel like GOD does not love me anymore and does not want a relationship with someone like me because I obviousely am not a true friend.

I wish I could not be this way. I have been my entire life and if you can believe it, I'm actually better than I used to be.

Thanks for listening. I know this all sounds awful but I had to get it out. I hope everyone had a great weekend! xoxoo
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October 7th, 2012, 07:39 PM
mamaginger's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: South Carolina
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Aw Erica.....first of all, God's love is not conditional on our "good behavior". We are going to mess up A LOT over the course of our lives. He loves us no matter what. Remember the story I told you about Peter denying Jesus. Also remember the story of the Prodigal son. The son left his fathers house, broke all of his rules and ultimately decided to come back and beg for a job as a slave at his fathers house. His father RAN to him. He ran out to meet his son when he was still far off. He had a huge celebration for his son returning. He wasn't mad at him. He welcomed him. And actually his "good" brother got all haughty and mad about it because he said he had never done anything wrong but his dad didn't throw HIM a party. This Father is a picture of our heavenly father and how he feels about us.

I don't necessarily think it's bad or wrong for you to try to steer away from conversations about your faith with relatives who are visiting from out of town and are absolutely closed off and judgemental. If they were loving and accepting it would be different. It's not like you NOT talking about your beliefs means you missed a chance to witness to them because I can tell from what you've said about them that they absolutely are not open to it. It would just cause strife. I do think you have to be careful not to lie or deny your faith if you are asked outright. At some point it is going to come up. They honestly sound like modern day Pharisees to me. You are just going to have to pray for God to open their eyes and soften their hearts and then pray for discernment about when to speak up and when to hold your tongue.

And I have have to say.....hiring a nighttime nurse is completely ridiculous and laughable. I can't imagine living like that. If they are so uptight and judgemental then at some point you just have to throw up your hands and let them be what they are. It doesnt sound like true, unconditional love if their affections are dependent on you being Jewish. They are in the wrong for being that way. No matter what your beliefs are, you should never be unloving to anyone or acting haughty toward them. There's a way to tell people in LOVE that you disagree with them and are worried about them and only want them to change out of love and concern. I just had a long conversation recently with a girl who is bisexual, atheist and having an affair with a married man. We had a great talk and I was very loving. She knows I completely disagree with her lifestyle and that my concern for her is based on love. She was appreciative and respectful of me as well. Did she change? No. But maybe a seed was planted. I can't agonize over it. She has to choose. Ultimately her life is going to bring her a lot of pain and she will have to come to terms with that. Maybe at that time she'll remember our conversation and that all Christians aren't mean and judgemental. Thats all I can hope for.

Anyway, it sounds like your inlaws are not showing you this kind of love at all. You just worry about honoring God and taking care of your babies the way you know they should be taken care of and don't let anyone make you feel guilty for it. If there's a time when you should say something to them, God will let you know and he will show you what to say.
~ Ginger

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb...I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made...My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together...Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139: 13-16

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October 7th, 2012, 08:11 PM
jeweluv's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thank you so much, Ginger. I so needed to hear that! I find you to be so refreshing and I can't speak for the LORD and I won't but I will say and I hope he knows I feel this way, that you truly have helped me in my faith and in knowing who he is. It's amazing how gracious GOD is. In the end, I guess he does know me and my struggles to want to be accepted. Overall and in the end I want what's best for my precious children. They are my soul and I want to have them in heaven with me and spend an eternity with them.

It's funny bc my grandparents on my mom's side were Jewish, though more culturally and they were NOT like this AT ALL! they accepted everyne, had friends of all different ethnicities and faiths so when my in laws say "it's a Jewish thing" to feel this way...they are soooo wrong! My grandparents would never have taught us that. In fact, haha, my mom never dated one Jewish guy EVER and they never blinked an eye. To me, I think they are just very different. I'm more of a let your child get dirty, run barefoot, go camping, ....eat watermellon and get it all over your face, type of crowd. We live comfortablly and have what we need, not much more not much less, but to be honest I am a SAHM and I couldn't have someone else come clean my house while I am here. No, my house is not perfectly tidy, but its clean. I don't have flowers planted professionally for every season of the year and our house is not custom designed but it's my home =) I even said to my dh today, bc his father alluded to us not living here forever, that even if we could move I'm not so sure I would want to. Maybe I was redo things but not move. My memories are here. The rooms I so carefully put together for my girls ol' big and pregnant, were done with so much love and thought and I couldn't bare to say goodbye to them. We have only lived here 5 years but it is a part of us and it is perfect to me.

I think I am prepping myself because I feel like at some point, after a little more time, if they were to reject me after seeing how much I love their son and have taken in their grandchildren as my own, it really would be cruel. I almost feel like I hacve to prove myself more to myself in order for me to take that leap someday.

It's also more complicated bc my dh is not on board. He loves me and supports me but doesn't agree with my beliefs and or homeschooling. I'm having a hard enough time on the homefront.

Thank you for showing my such a non-judgemental response. I was feeling so ashamed and so undeserving of any love from GOD that I forgot who he really is! I even went as far as hiding my bible on my end table, my bible ap, and my message station pre-set on my radio bc I feel like I just can't deal with anymore battles. You are totally right in that not only are they set in their ways but they DISLIKE AND JUSGE others who are Christian severely! My FIL will barely even make eye contact with my dad, rasied Catholic, though an athiest. (and he is not my birth dad but my dad =) )...........It's like he is just not good enough. In all honesty, me neighbors behind us are selling their house and a Muslim family was looking to buy it. They looked really nice and had a cute little girl around my Evyn's age. Now, Muslim is very different then Christian but I would never shun them and I believe than you can be a good person and friend even if you don't agree on everything. In fact, some of the best of friends are very different but because they love one another for WHOM they are rather than WHAT they are, it is more sincere.

I know, a baby nurse...NO WAY WOULD I EVER LET THAT HAPPEN! Someone else rocking my precious baby to sleep. I don't care if I was up all night, lol, which I was because my first dd never slept, there is nothing or no one that would take that time from me. I don't think people who have cleaning hired help are bad or wrong, but I would feel awakward if I was home. I have a hard enough time at restaurants having people serve and clean up after my family and I.
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October 7th, 2012, 10:18 PM
mamma_anna's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Erica, did you know that in the very first question in scripture, God is calling for his child? In Genesis 3:8-9, right after Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit and felt shame for the first time, it says "Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as He was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God in the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, "Where are you?"
God is, always has been and always will be in pursuit of us. Even in our shame, even when we feel we don't deserve it, God seeks us out. He desires a relationship with us. It's not a condemnation. It's a gentle and loving interaction. There is nothing you can do or say or think or feel that would ever make God stop pursuing you.

Okay, now that we have that out of the way....

I'm just going to say that I agree with Ginger. Not much needs to be added to what she said. It's perfectly fine for you to avoid discussions of faith with people who are clearly not open to hearing what you have to say. But you shouldn't feel you need to hide part of who you are or make excuses for your choices either. I know this is easier said than done sometimes. I'm still working on it myself. Let the Holy Spirit lead you.
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October 10th, 2012, 10:16 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Western USA
Posts: 9,145
HUGS mama!! The others said it perfectly and so I'm not going to add to it but agree with them
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