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My soul handed to me =(*


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  • 1 Post By jeweluv

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  #1  
October 18th, 2012, 09:29 PM
jeweluv's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,395
I don't even know how to explain or convey the burdens on my heart bc my head is literally spinning.

It's taking every stength and piece of hope left in my body to even reach out right now but I'm doing it bc it means that much to me.

Got in an arguement with dh. It started our about something stupid. He has a sharp tongue and can be very hurtful and disrespectful. At times he has embarassed me and repremanded me in public and the other night, literally told me to "shoo" bc I was annoying him. (I was basically practically begging for him to allow my brother to have the extra football game ticket he had bc it would mean so much.) Before you gals think that he is terrible, please know that he is not always like this and he has the BIGGEST SOFT side ever...but, I think bc of his issues in the past, he has a hard time with emotions and often can become abrasive.

One thing led to another and he totally perceived how the fight went completely wrong. I was out the door with the girls to spend the night somewhere else bc there is just some things, that after all these years and work I've put into "recovering", that I won't allow.

After not seeing eye to eye I poured my heart out to him about my love for CHRIST and my desperate need for him not to be convinced, but to just allow me to converse with him here and there about something I was navigating through. He pretty much said no and he could accept everything else BUT that. As you know, when we married, I was "Jewish" so to him, he was sold a "bill of goods" even though when we first were dating and for a long time I was EXTREMELY CHRISTIAN! (Catholic actually) He won't discuss it, he thinks literal interpretation of the bible is the craziest thing ever and that it is practically proven to be wrong...the earth is undoubtedly older than 6,000 years old. When I tell him not to harp on this aspect of the bible, he says well than the bible is only metaphoric.

He went as far, and even though I know he doesn't LITERALLY mean this, to say he would worship satan over CHRIST to illustrate how much HE THINKS THIS IS ALL BS. He won't open his mind and when someone like him, whom i know is smart, feels this way it starts to make me feel like i'm the wrong one and the crazy one.

I also told him that when we married I agreed to only have two of my own kids at most bc I was so thrilled to be in a relationship finally where I actually felt something. (My previous engagement was a disaster) I compromised on the MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE; having kids. What 16 yr old watches "A Baby Story" daily and dreams of her children to be rather than the boy she is in love with? I was 6, no joke, choosing my husband in the 1st grade based on things I thought would make a good father. Yeah, it's that important to me......

..........now what? Now I pray that I have a surprise baby bc we are using the withdrawal method which he is perfect at =( I pray that one day we can all pray together and that through my husband my strength in my faith can grow. I pray that if we were ever to have that other baby, he would be estatic and see it as a gift from GOD. He was "happy" with my other two, but not in the way I always dreamed my dh would be. He was more of "okay" with it. I had to even beg for the second.

What do I do? My heart has some major voids in it. I love my husband and know WHO HE REALLY IS, underneath the hard exterior. He seems impossible to penetrate and worse than just negating what I say, he just doesn't want to engage. When I tell him my children will know what I believe in a respectful manner, he says he will be sure to tell them how he feels and why he thinks it is BS. =(*

I know I need to be patient and wait on the LORD but when things get this rough and literally almost everyone in my intimiate circle is "different" than me it makes someone like me, a person that already doubts herself all the time, even less sure.

I'm reading "Letters From A Skeptic" by Dr. Gregory A. Boy'd and Edward K. Boyd. It has been a blessing and really has made an impact on my faith. It explains a lot. It pretty much presents a case that the reason all the bad things in the world, Holocaust, death, trauma and tragedy to children, is bc the price of TRUE freedom is also all these terrible things. The author explains about a type of cosmic war between Satan and GOD, and anything bad is from Satan. The Author lost his mom as a kid and I (think) was suggesting that it wasn't GOD obviousely that caused her death, but the negative put in the world from Satan. I'm not sure if this sounds out there to me and sometimes I start to think that what my husband, father, brother, mother, etc. say about it being a fairytale (despite all of my knowledge and my feelings)...might be true. I know that's awful. DH really believes that although the prophesies were fulfilled in the NT and in ways no one could possibly control, that maybe the New Testament was written in a way to fulfill the prophesies. For instante, John or whomever was recording the events, did so in a way to fulfill the prohphesy....even at a later date. I don't tink I believe this but it's hard with so many nay sayers in my world. It's hard bc I have always see my self as not smart enough and I tend to trust others over myself. Major weakness.

I cried for hours last night....just balled. My heart and sould hurt so bad. Why did I compromise the most important thing to me in my life? All I wanted since I knew children and pregnancy existed was to have a long and fulfilling child bearing years. If DH never accepts, what will happen? Will this be an ongoing battle? Will GOD ever bless me with another child and if he does, will dh EVER see it as a blessing? My heart has some voids right now and i feel lost.

This whole "the world is definitely older than 6,000 years" and the flood is far fetched, has got me. I know the evidence supporting the flood but according to dh there is so much MORE evidence supporting otherwise....like even seeing other galexies and stars being formed millions of light years away. My brain is overloaded and I just don't know how to combat it or anything else.

Since the fight, DH has added another thing to the list of things to work on ....which he does and thankfully we both commit to improving our relationship bc we love one another.

I need prayers.....

Hope everyone is in better spirits than me right now and I thank you for all the kind words and support you have given already.
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Lee and Erica by Jadelm, on Flickr

Last edited by jeweluv; October 18th, 2012 at 09:35 PM.
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  #2  
October 19th, 2012, 08:54 AM
mamaginger's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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((((HUGS)))) Erica..I will reply when I get home from work. <3 u
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~ Ginger



For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb...I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made...My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together...Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139: 13-16

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  #3  
October 19th, 2012, 12:28 PM
mamaginger's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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*sigh* I'm so sorry you and hubby had a fight. It sounds like there is some major spiritual warfare going on around your house. I hope you recognize it as an attack on your family and your beliefs. I'm assuming you are back home and have made up? Don't feel like you have made a mistake in marrying Lee or that you shouldn't stay with him because of all this. It's most definitely God's will for you to remain married. You just need to go to God about your feelings/desires for more children and not talk to your husband about it for a while. God knows the desires of your heart and definitely WANTS us to have children...probably many more than whats normal nowadays in our culture. Sometimes I wonder if we are all "wrong" for using birth control and only having 2 or 3 kids. I just have to pray about it and hope I'm not doing the wrong thing. God seemed to "tolerate" men of old testament times having multiple wives since that was their culture even though his perfect plan was for us to have one spouse.

Anyway...like I said, he knows the desires of your heart. You may not "get what you want" when you want it but it may come some day. I never thought I was going to get to have another baby. I thought for sure I would have an only child and for some reason God was not allowing me to get pregnant again. For 3 years I cried and questioned God. I didn't understand why the rebellious, un-saved, un-wed teenage girl at our church was pregnant for the 4th time (3 different dads) ...and I, who saved myself for marriage and have only been with one man my whole life, couldn't seem to get pregnant. I still don't understand things like this. I'm very thankful and joyful to finally be pregnant after so many years of trying. It was hard and waiting and wondering and questioning was NOT fun but here I am today, 27 weeks pregnant.

In the Bible, Jacob waited 14 years to get to marry Rachel. I can't imagine!

You never know what the next few years could bring to your life through faith and prayer and trusting God. You could look back and be homeschooling with a saved husband and baby on the way. I don't know. That may not happen...but it could. Just give yourself time. Try not to engage in religious debates with Lee any more. If you have to literally walk away, then walk away. What he's saying to you is hurting you and causing you to doubt and what you're saying to him is just provoking his anger and making him dig his heels in even further. Maybe it will be shocking to him if you stop talking about more children and refuse to participate in religious debates. Just pray and let the Holy Spirit work in your home. Do everything you can to strengthen your faith and learn the Bible. Let it transform who you are and maybe this will speak louder than anything you've ever said to Lee.

I'll definitely do a "Bible Study" on here about Genesis and the days of creation. I may not do it first because I kind of feel led to do something else for the "Halloween" season but maybe I'll do that next. The first 6 chapters of Genesis are the most attacked chapters of the entire Bible by unbelievers. Christians keep trying to compromise with them and say God created everything but he "used" the Big Bang and that the earth really is millions of years old. This is a lie from Satan and Christians have allowed themselves to get sucked into it.

I'll be praying for you.
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~ Ginger



For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb...I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made...My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together...Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139: 13-16

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  #4  
October 19th, 2012, 10:30 PM
jeweluv's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2010
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Ginger, thank you! Love you too....you really have touched my heart and soul. (as have many of you) It's funny that you brought up literally leaving him bc for a million ways; I could never! I love his soul and I did not love my ex fiance in this "way." In fact, this is what hurts me even more. Things have calmed and he has agreed to work on more in addition to how he speaks to me and now, his gestures and treatment of me when he gets angry. H was very apologetic and said that relationship are a work in progress, which they are, but that he loves me enough to work in it. Good enough for me. =) We are all flawed and as much as it is hurtful when these words are thrown, I think I know his heart and I pray for it.

I am going to let it all be for a while and turn the other cheek. I have to for so many reasons and as hard as it is. I am really trying to commit myself to learn as fast as I can and as much as I can but I grow very frustrates when something doesn't click right away. Right now , as I read "Letter From A skeptic", the author is explaining to his father, the skeptic, why the gospels, although passed down, are GOD inspired and why they are authentic given some psychological analysis as to how fabricated things are usually presented. There is still SOOOO much of the bible that even if I read, I wouldn't know it's meaning, origin, or much of anything else. This intimidates me. I tend to be one of those people who want to do it all at once.

I know this is a journey but i am impatient; especially bc more than anything i want to have that INCREDIBLE/UNTOUCHABLE relationship with CHRIST. I really do want to be his "people," his friend. I want him to approve of me and know that I am trying despite all my flaws. In some ways, just as a father, I want him to pick me up, tell me I'm doing okay at everything and that he understands. In return I want to follow him in awe and show my love and compassion that he has given to me.

There is a part of me, way back, that believes I just may have another baby. Although this is not certain, as nothing is, I am hanging on to it. I don't know what will happen with my husband and my children in terms of their education and values but I am trying to arm myself.

I really need to learn more about WHY the gospels are authentic and reliable and why the earth may indeed be so young, despite all this scientific evidence and I need to do so in a way that makes sense and does not seem totally out there. I have to do this for myself and for my family. Right now, it is still so new, that I can't even respond correctly.

Thank you so much for always having an answer and response. Here you are, pregnant and stressed to begin with and yet you are giving so much of yourself. I am grateful!

This board has been such a blessing and I hold you ladies dear even though it has only been a short amount of time. xoxoxo

Looking fwd to reading your bible studies!!
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Lee and Erica by Jadelm, on Flickr
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  #5  
October 20th, 2012, 07:56 AM
mamaginger's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: South Carolina
Posts: 1,305
The only way to learn is one day at a time. The Bible wasn't intended to be read and then put away. It's intended to be "meditated upon day and night." We are to read it over and over and over and over. God will reveal things to us and teach us as we do this. I've said it before but Hebrews says "The word of God is LIVING and powerful"...it really is. You will see something new every time you read it. Just take it one day at a time. If something frustrates or confuses you, move on. We can't understand everything about God. He wouldn't be God if we could. We are only human. He just wants us to seek him.
__________________
~ Ginger



For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb...I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made...My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together...Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139: 13-16

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