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Erica is "Mom of th week"


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  #1  
October 22nd, 2012, 11:59 AM
Countrymom4's Avatar Chrystal
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Can't wait to get to know you better
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  #2  
October 23rd, 2012, 02:35 AM
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Sorry ladies! Crazy weekend. Where should I begin?
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  #3  
October 23rd, 2012, 06:15 AM
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Childhood...pre-married life
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For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb...I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made...My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together...Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139: 13-16

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  #4  
October 23rd, 2012, 03:31 PM
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I guess I'll just dive in..................


My father left my mother when she was 3 months pregnant with me. She has an incompetant cervix and is on bed rest for her entire pregnancy. She pretty much laid there, unable to support herself, devestated, and pregnant. I was born prematurely at 32 weeks but was able to go home soon after. We lived In Pelham, NY (Westchester County) My mom and her two best friends helped raise me in the small aprtment we lived in. We were so poor that even for dinner, one person would bring part of the meal and the other, milk but we managed to get by and survive. It was just my mom and I till I was about 2 1/2 when she met Joe, my "Dad." At first, he showed such interest in me that she began to think he only hung out with her to be around me. So sweet! We were close even from then! The funny thing is, my father (I will refer to my biological fatehr , as father and Joe, my "dad.") Well, they both were named Joe! Lol, funny story for my mom but the two Joe's actually were at a party together long before my mom married them, sitting in a chair and were completely wasted. My mom turned to her friend and said "Look at those two idiots, who would ever marry them.?" .......and she married them both =)

So my Father was a severe alcoholic and had a lot of issues. His mom killed herself in front of him when he was 12 and his dad was incarcerated pretty much his whole life. I suspect that he too had OCD, and that is where I got it from. I always felt bad because as much as he may have made some wrong choices, from what I heard he happened to have a really good heart. I always felt sad for him growing up because I never wanted him to feel guilty for leaving. I never wanted anyone to be sad bc of me. As far as I was concerned, to be honest, I worried more about him and what it must have done to him. My mom never spoke ill of him either. There was always this intense curiosity of him and in some ways I glorified him. I loved my dad with all my heart! (Dad not Father)

I was always a very spunky and active little girl. I loved everyone ..lol, still do. My childhood was pretty nice and we spent most of our vacations camping around the country. I was allowed to be a child which was such a blessing. I was a girl that could play with dolls but always ran faster than the boys. From a young age, I put a lot of pressure on myself; especially regarding my body. I was always scrawny and self conscious about it. I remember the physical fitness test in gym and being so stressed the night before about doing well enough on them. I had to be the best for myself except that I have always shied away from competition. I think because my mom and I spent so much time together and also because in some ways, even though she married my dad, I was her safe place, we formed a unhealthy relationship. I believe that she fostered a co-dependent relationship. I feared separating and would call several times a day to see if she was still alive. By the age of 6 I was experiencing severe OCD symptoms, though no one knew exactly what it was. I was kind of the girl that was friends with everyone, even the kids who were not accepted. This caused me eventually to be thrown into the same group and to be tormented myself. All my girlfriends got into boys and mature stuff waaayyy before I did.
When I was 13 we up and moved to Florida. I was excited but soon was devastated. When I started the 8th grade there, the kids were vicious to me! I hated who I was and how I looked, and thought I was stupid. When teachers would call on me I’d freeze bc I was experiencing anxiety issues and couldn’t focus because of my obsessions. Kids would make fun of me. I have this freckle in my eye which for whatever reason, had never bothered me until then! All the kids would treat me like a freak about it and they succeeded in making me feel that way. I’ll never forget them showing one of my teachers and my teacher actually saying “ewww.” All I wanted was to go back to NY, which I thought was my safe place. 9 months later, after all of us decided we were not happy, we did just this. When I got back I expected to be met with open arms but I wasn’t……=( Friends that were my best friends for my entire life wouldn’t even say hi to me. I was ostracized again. I was a late developer and was made fun for this too. I hated school because I just could never comprehend how people could be so mean to me when I was doing nothing.
As I entered high school, things got a bit better. I began frantically trying to separate from my mom when I started to get into my own social life and boys. This really angered my mom and she held on tighter. We started to fight all the time. She even became physical and would recruit my dad into the fights. I felt powerless. I ran away several times. It was about here that I started to go down the Anorexia road (which was due to my OCD and my feeling of not being in control, and inferiority to pretty much everyone.) I always resented my parents because they smoked pot. They used to do it in front of me even when I was 4! It was sick! I used to beg them to stop! I was so confused bc here the DARE officers were teaching us how bad it was and I had to be the parent to mine about this and keep it a secret. I became friends with this girl , Kristen and we became best friends VERY quickly. She was not a healthy person either. Her parents were going through a divorce and I soon became her doormat. She was angry at the world and I was never an angry person but got sucked in. It was US against the world and in a way, she would make me feel like I couldn’t be friends with anyone else. In fact, I think she took the place of my mom. My mom, seeing this and having her own issues with me, hated her!

……………………………I’ll continue a little later with the Anorexia/OCD that changed my life forever!
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  #5  
October 23rd, 2012, 03:42 PM
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I also thought it might be important to note that when I was young, I wayched my best friend lose her mother to Cancer. This triggerred my Cancer obsessions/fears and to this day I struggle daily with these! It's not every day that a usually happy-go-lucky typical 8 yr old, sits there inspected their body for Cancer. It was very hard. When she died, I repressed everything! for whatever reason the act of crying or being sad around my mom, in particlar, made me sick to my stomach. I also hated to be physcially sick in front of my mom. I remember my teacher sending me to the nurse because I was trying to hold in my coughs. I cried all the way up there and ended up having a 104.5 fever....and phemonia. Worse, I cried more when they made my mom take mae home. These are all issues I've spent years trying to figure out in therapy but I sense that it is prob because i didn't want to be any more vulnerable to my mom than I already was in addition to my feeling that she kind of liked it when I was.
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  #6  
October 23rd, 2012, 04:19 PM
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…………………So, as 16 vast approached my issues with eating and my body got far worse. In fact, I know the exact moment that it officially started! I was in the dressing room with my mom, weighing all of 98lbs and I said “omg, look how fat I got,” and my mom said “well then stop sitting in your room eating chips.” For the first time in my life, I was embarrassed of my body in front of my mom and this KILLED ME! I didn’t each a chip, another gram of fat, and barely any calories for the next 2 years! I started with a regimen of basically consuming 600 calories a day. A crash diet. I wouldn’t eat but one meal til’ 6pm every night. When I was at school, because I was so malnourished I would always fall asleep. They used to call me “Sleeping Beauty” but little did they know how much I was suffering. When I would get home I squat 100lbs on my 98lb body and do 100 reps. I don’t know how I did this but it hurt. Then I would eat my only meal; a potato cut up and baked and a whole thing of chopped broccoli. This was it. I started college a year early locally. By this time my mom was dragging me to nutritionists because she knew how sick I was. I started going to the gym and running in addition. I eventually increased my calories to 800 a day. My workout routine got to bad that I was at the gym for 4 hours a day and then I would come home and run for an hour. My OCD was in full force and when I tell you that every thing I did was a ritual…I am not exaggerating. Every time I would walk past the bathroom, I’d have to go in and touch things all a certain way. Before I went to sleep I had 30 minutes of rituals I HAD to do before I could even try to sleep. I used to carry a journal with me everywhere I went because I never thought I was THANKFUL enough and I had to write EVERY SINGLE thing that came to my mind that I was thankful for. This could be as much as, “I’m thankful I didn’t just fall down the stairs.” I would fill a journal in three days. I was truly punishing myself in every and any way possible. Eventually I became so depressed and couldn’t function that I stopped going to school and practically lived at the gym and running. I was 82lbs and barely hanging on. It was the dead of winter and I would tell my mom that I was going outside in shorts and a tank top and that she was to only allow me to stay out there for 15 minutes. (I was trying to cause myself discomfort and make my body sick, and burn more calories) If for any reason, I was out there for longer, she had to literally drag me in because I couldn’t give myself permission to come in myself. Before the one and only meal I ate every day I had to clean our bathroom and kitchen spotless! While eating, if a speck or crumb got on the table, I had to get up and clean the WHOLE KITCHEN again (this usually took about 2 minutes) I was a slave to my disease. I was no longer a person. As much as the exercise and the starving were hard, the rituals and obsessions were by far worse!! People of course understood the Anorexia more because it was physical and they could see my pain. I can’t even begin to tell you all the rituals I had. Finally, one day I had some sort of meltdown/breakdown amongst many. It was 3 days after Christmas and I agreed to go get help. In fact, I initiated it…I wanted it! I knew I could not live like this anymore but I couldn’t stop by myself. I walked myself into NY. Presbyterian hospital and was evaluated. There was a waiting list for the eating disorder unit so they told me I’d have to leave and come back when they had room. I refused and told them that not only would I not come back if I walked out that door, but I would prob die. I said just put me somewhere where I can’t do this to myself anymore. My parents, because I was still their young and innocent 18 yr old girl who befriended everyone, were terrified. They placed me in a temporary place which happened to be filled with people with Schizophrenia and other severe disorders. My roommate actually would sit up talking to “Satan” at night. Since I would only eat one mean a day and food I prepared, because it was all I could trust, I did not eat there at all! They also supervised us every second except for showers…..since no one could stop me, I’d work out in the shower. I just couldn’t stop. =( I was the youngest there. I immediately started to see how bad this hospital was and how terribly the patients were treated. I started my own group therapies in the unit and we would meet every day at noon. Weird right? By the end of the week, when a place opened up for me in the eating disorder unit, I was sort of sad to leave everyone.
Off I went into the eating disorder unit. Never again would I be the same. This place, although it was only 11 years ago, could have been straight out of an old movie depicting a mental hospital. It was supposed to be this amazing place. It wasn’t! It was abusive. We were identified by the meal plan we were on. In fact, my body could no longer handle food and so I was on a supplement called Nubasic. I was referred to as a “Nubasic.” As I said down to take that first supplement, my mind changed. I knew I had to or they would give it to me intravenously. LOL…I took that supplement, which was awful, and chugged it like a beer and slammed it down on the table. Lol….I got many looks. I then said “just give me as much as you can now and let me gain all the weight I have to so I can just learn to deal with it. It was not the comfortable I had felt but I convinced myself to learn to like the new me. At 18, barely anyone had seen me naked. I had always been ashamed of my body. This was also a coed unit. Yes, there were guys with eating disorders there. Every morning they would make us strip completely naked, go to the bathroom IN FRONT OF EVERYONE (they wanted to make sure no one was purging) and shower in front of EVERYONE who was there waiting for their turn. All my pride went out the window. When you have to literally poop in front of a crowd, naked, and then hand someone the “bowl” there is a whole new level that you need to get to. You have absolutely no dignity left.

They mental health workers that worked the unit were terrible! They were so mean. I’ll never forget them yelling at this one girl who missed her father and putting her in the “quiet room” because her and I hugged. There was no “PC” (physical contact) allowed in the unit! Even with all this, it was a relief for me not to be able to starve myself and I met so many people that I could relate to and who accepted me for who I was. I was able to be that happy-go-lucky/love everyone person again. I redecorated the plac with inspirational drawings lolol and signs. I started something called a Feeling chart in which everyone would have a box for each day and every morning would go and place a facial expression on it so that if they were feeling sad, we would know, and could check in on them. There was something called a 72 which meant that if someone requested to leave in 3 days and it was rejected they would be mandated so stay 3 weeks. We were allowed one phone call a day and we had to sit while we did it because they didn’t want us burning any calories. They had me on over 4,000 calories a day trying to get my weight up and then me out to make room for others. They never dealt with the emotional part of it. It was a feeding factory! I remember using my one phone call to call patient advocacy programs. We were allowed to have our parents come, and they did, but they couldn’t pull us out if they wanted bc we were seen as harmful to ourselves. In some ways, I was still happier to be there where I couldn’t starve myself and where at least some of my obsessions were in check.

I could go on and on about the terrible things that went on there but what wasn’t terrible was the people I met. From there I was released but I was not healed. They had put the weight on me but emotionally I was no better. I ended up going to a private eating disorder residence called the Renfrew Center in Philadelphia. It was there I that I healed. They were so compassionate, we relied on the honor system so we got to shower and bathe alone. It looked like a resort and we did all sort of creative therapy. To be honest, I loved it and never wanted to come home. I never wanted to return to my old life. It was too painful. I grew there and met many friends that I still have today. I searched my soul and dug deep. I used every strength I had left in me to turn my life around to learn to tolerate a body I did not ever accept. I learned that eating disorders are rarely about being fat or skinny enough. I, for the first time, was called out on being the girl that had advice and could offer love, support, and forgiveness to everyone else, but herself. I finally was discharged and if I tell you I have never looked back, I do not lie. Do I always love or even like my body; no. However, living the life I had to in order to have the body I wanted was no life and this was a decision I made. If I ever wanted to have control over myself I had to give it up to someone else until I could handle it. The life I had been living was not enough and the only way I could ever have more was to go through with all this. People always say how brave I was and how strong but really, this was the weakest thing. Suffering the way I had with all my rituals, exercise, and starvation was the true torture. Getting better felt nice and hurt a lot less. Today I do not love my body but I’m loving having a life. I still struggle with OCD very frequently but that will be forever. I fear Cancer every single day. Right now and during the past 3 days I have been obsessing about having a brain tumor. =( I have felt slightly dizzy and have been having little bits of vertigo and I’m convinced it’s because I have a brain tumor. Husband says no, just allergies and that I have fluid behind my ear (which he saw) and that is why. My disease wants me to not believe him. My disease wants me to go get another MRI…even though I had one to rule out a brain tumor for other reasons, 14 months ago. I’m supposed to resist but it is hard and I feel as if I really am dying. So….this is my struggle this week.
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  #7  
October 23rd, 2012, 05:09 PM
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Wow Erica! I can't believe your mom said that to you when you were 98 pounds! How awful. People don't realize how their careless words can literally cause us great physical harm even to the point of death. And wow @ the first eating disorder center...how terrible. I know my mom felt that way about the psych unit she was in for 5 days. Part of it was just her own mental state but I know it was a very scary place for her. I hated it but we didn't know what else to do. I'm so glad you found a place to truly heal. Sometimes I wish my mom could go off somewhere like that and truly heal her emotions. The hospital "fixed her up" on medication but didn't deal with the "why" of how she got there.

You've come a long way from where you were. I hope and pray the cancer fears will leave you. Cancer is real and it seems to affect so many around us so it is a legitimate concern for all of us but it shouldn't be something that keeps you awake at night or causes you to have all kinds of tests run. This is definitely beyond a normal concern that it "could" happen to you or someone in your immediate family. I at times will find bumps or freckles and think....it's skin cancer...but I convince myself not to obsess and if it's still there in a few weeks THEN I'll worry and see the dr. If it's something that goes away then I know I was just being silly. I actually have a spot like that on my head right now. So maybe you can just talk to yourself and say...ok, I'm having headaches and feeling dizzy.....if it continues for days and days and gets worse then it's something to go be seen about but more than likely it's something simple like your husband said and will be gone in a day or two.

What you definitely don't want happening is waking up 20 years from now, still totally healthy and regretting the time wasted worrying/obsessing over something that wasn't ever real. I know it's hard and you feel like you can't help it. Ive felt that same way before. My husband would say "well, we will just have to deal with....(insert obsession)....if and when it happens but right now youre basically living as if it's already happened and it hasn't!" Talking to him and having him pray for me about it was what helped me get better. Again though...you've already come a long way so be proud of yourself!
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For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb...I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made...My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together...Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139: 13-16

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  #8  
October 23rd, 2012, 05:35 PM
jeweluv's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Aw, thanks Ginger! It's so surprising even in this day and age that they still know so little about mental health and that in places which are supposed to be top notch, are still so terrible. I will pray for your mom. Illnesses of the mind are sometimes hard in the respect that because you can't see them people don't realize how painful they can be.

Anxiety and obsessing has always been the biggest pain of my life....lol, and something else. haha.

I'm actually not getting any headaches. For the past few days I have just been feeling a little lightheaded, a little bit of vertigo (like small bouts of feeling like when I move my head or eyes, that something is off or unbalanced.) Hubby looked and saw fluid behind one of my eardrums and said that is usually caused by allergies and that fluid behind your ears (which control balance in part) can make you feel this way. I'm not experiencing any other allergy symptoms though. I just had bloodwork and it was perfect as is my blood pressure. I was fearful of a brain tumor 14 months ago for some other reason, had an MRI, which was fine. But........that ws 14 months ago. My husband is not worried but sometimes I think that after all my worries, he simply shrugs everything off. Dizziness/lightheadness.or vertigo or whatever are symptoms of a brain tumor and I'm struggling not to rule this out. I know it's likely not to be, even though I feel as if it is, but at the time it's hard to trust my husband. My dad, who works for an imaging center (MRI's, sonos..etc) is not worried either and said most of the real signs are severe headaches which, praying, I do not have. I do talk to someone and get something that is called CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) which is what they recommend for OCD. She does not want me feeding into my obsessions or giving them any validity by "checking" with people, tests, etc. It's so hard to resist because I think "what if she is wrong? How does she know I'm fine this time? How does my husband? These are symptoms of a brain tumor.".......ugh in such a worrisome place

PS: I think I mentioned that dh is a doctor.....lol, it's not like my husband is just checking my ears hahahaha!! Forgot to mention that part.....
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Last edited by jeweluv; October 23rd, 2012 at 05:37 PM.
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  #9  
October 23rd, 2012, 09:41 PM
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Oh my goodness Erica!! Thank you so much for sharing all of this with us! What amazes me most (and there is a lot to choose from) is that you were not only able to recognize that you needed help but you were brave enough to seek it out and not take "no" for an answer.

I'm praying so hard that the brain tumor worries will leave you alone and the dizziness/vertigo will let up soon!
(Ellie gets CBT too. )

Can't wait to read your love story tomorrow!
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  #10  
October 23rd, 2012, 10:30 PM
Countrymom4's Avatar Chrystal
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Wow Erica you are a strong lady !! You have rose above many things !!
Looking forward to reading tomorrow.
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  #11  
October 24th, 2012, 10:27 AM
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That's good that you a re doing to CBT. I've seen that on tv before...I think the show was called "obsessed" actually. So is your husband sympathetic to your worries or does he treat you like you're crazy? At least being married to a dr, you can get free check ups!

Just make sure you are filling your mind with positive things and not things to add fuel to the fire.....so tv shows, Internet research, books, magazines....whatever the media....don't read about cancer or other disorders. If anything is wrong with you (even as simple as a cold) your body will let you know. If y know you are living and eating healthy there's really nothing else you can do to prevent illnesses. Worrying about getting an illness is even worse than actually having the illness in my opinion. Again...I know this is all easier said than done. Ive been there. Not to the extent that you have been and my obsession wasn't cancer but fear of SIDS and my child being run over in the driveway. I hope I don't have the same fears with Mollie.
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~ Ginger



For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb...I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made...My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together...Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139: 13-16

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  #12  
October 24th, 2012, 02:55 PM
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Ginger, I can def relate to those type of worries...they are so tough and I found that once I had children all my worried revolved around them.....when I fear Cancer in myself I don't fear my dying, I fear being away from my children and not being able to be there for them and love and cuddle them. =(

Mama_anna.....CBT has worked womders for so many....how does Ellie like it?
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  #13  
October 24th, 2012, 03:38 PM
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So my love story...here it goes


Prior to meeting Lee, I was in a very unhealthy relationship. That relationship happened on the heels of me basically loving another guy who didn't love me back in the end. When I got involved with this guy, James, I think it was safe because I really felt nothing for him so I guess losing something that wasnt so scary to loose, was comforting. However, losing something caused you comfort was also not comfortable. It started out not so bad and I will not go into too graphc details but he had severe secual agression issues that made me sick to my stomach and very uncomfortable. He was very controlling and selfish. He would never come anywhere wil my family and I or do something that made me happy. (which was never like jewlery or anything, but as simple as going to the beach for a day to celebrate my graduating college.

(Briefly) I have a BA in psych and early education. I loved school and especially college. I wokred for years in several programs to help children with all sorts of needs and loved every minute of it!

Anyway.....towards the end I got an apartment with my best friend. Our relationship was going down hill and in my mind I already knew I was not going to marry him. (BTW he had proposed 4 months prior) I just didn't know how this would play out. Well, I take a medication that makes me sleep pretty heavy and well, embarassingly enough, something I had said no to doing, I woke up to him doing. I felt gross. When I confronted him about it a week later, he did admit to it. As terrible as it was, I think it was this that gave me the push to go. My mom, AGAIN, was at odds with him and his family from the beginning because I think again, she felt threatened by my having other relationships. One night, with all these demands by EVERYONE BEING PLACED ON MY....I cracked. I took off and planned on driving all the way to North Carolina to see a friend of mine and I wasn't coming back. I was so upset that I got lost and came home but did not want anyone contacting me. I put myself up in a hotel and literally did nothing in it and did not come out for 72 hours! I just needed to feel safe again. Everyone was pulling at me, my ex had been so awful to me and sirespected me....I didn't want to deal. It's interesting bc my priest at the time came to visit me. While I was dating James I went through the RCIA program (religion catholic instruction for adults) and got baptized and confirmed! I found my way into the church years ago to pray when I was struggling with my Anorexia but never while people were there. Something in the beginning of mine and James relationship sparked me going there again. Terrible but, while I was dating him there was one night that he lifted up my skirt in front of all his friends and became belligerant. He ran over my foot with his car and when I said I'd see him tomorrow he said "maybe, maybe not." I ended up going to a guy friends house who said he'd talk to me and calm me down. This is not what happened. He had other agendas and well, things turned bad and I almost didn't make it out of there. Somethings occurred that made me feel very guilty however they were not by my will. I was so guilt ridden. My therapist and friends told me not to tell James and so I held this guilt for years after and pretty much allowed him to get away with murder bc I felt so unworthy. When I joined the RCIA program I was looking to be resolved of these sinful things that happend to me. I was searching so hard for peace. Although in the end , which I will explain later, I turned away from Catholosicm , it was a seed planted.

My mom at the end of mine and James relationship was working part time for this doctor, Lee. I had no idea he was going through a divorce and went there quickly for a referrel one day. I was still engaged to James but I knew it was the end. As I sat in the waiting room the most precious little girl popped her head out. I loved kids and we soon were talking. I found out it was his daughter, Jackie! She was 5 at the time and had just come back from Kindergarten orientation. I observed him and her together and fell in love with both of them! When I went into the examining room, there was this feeling in the air. I had never felt it. This attraction this desire....this intriguing feeling. I walked out feeling "James is not for me, I need a man just like him...that is how I'm supposed to feel." I didn't know he was finalizing a divorce so I just assumed I would have to base the next man I planned to marry on him. Little did I know he felt the same instant love and intensity for me. For months the both of us fantasized and dreamed of being with one another but he didn't know I had broken off my engagement, and I didn't know he was divorced. He one day asked my mom how I was doing and she told him everything. He took my number, called me that night....and we went out the following Sunday!!

I was smitten! We went out for Thai food...lol, which I had never had before and greatly feared! lolololol Let's just say I learned that when you eat edamame, you don't just put the whole thing in your mouth and chew it entirely and swallow. lol. Chopsticks...yeah, well that didn't go well. He dropped me off and was so polite. He said that he had plans for the following night (which I knew was a date with another girl instinctively)...but I wasn't nervous. I always worried and was insecure so this was surprising. He called 5 minutes later to tell me he broke the date bc he can't see anyone else but me. We fell in love quite quickly.

Qick little funny story but on our second date he suspected my ears were cloggled and since he didn't have any of his medical gear, we came back to my apartment,e he laid me on the floor of the bathroom, took a turkey baster and used it to extract the stuff from my ears....gross but funny! My roomare comes walking in and passes us, she sticks her head in with confusion and horror. Lee just says "Don't worry, I'm a doctor."

We dated for about a year before I met the two wonderful kids. I had felt bad for all they had been too and knowing what I did about young kids decided to make these interractive scrapbooks in which we could communicate through before we met and hopefully make them feel safer. I had pages such as "What makes you happy," "What makes you sad/angry," "if you had three wishes what would they be?" We both had to answer the questions and by doing so I think at least for me, I grasped a little deeper at where they were at emotionally. It ended up being a long going book and we would leave messages for one another in the "mailbox" section on it. Finally we met and again, I was instantly in love! We got engaged about 10 months later on my birthday, December 29th. By this time I had pulled from the Catholic church and was dabbling in Judiasm. I know a part of me was doing it because I wanted to feel unity in my family and with Leel who was Jewish. We planned a wedding in which I made many of the things. My little, Jackie was a mini bride practically and the kids knew this was a wedding joining ALL of us, not just THEIR daddy and I. They needed to know that I know that THEY existed first!!

It was a simple but beautiful wedding and other than that YET AGAIN my mom was at odds with someone else (his parents)....it was great. Upon meeting the first time prior to the wedding, a whole wierd thing went down where basically my mom said that she had asked Lee's mom to smoke pot, though she says she never agreed (mom said she did)...and from there on they hated one another. My in laws, who loved me, were convinced my mom was trying to make me look bad during a convo where they explained all of my issues and that she was doing so because she wanted in some ways for me to remain sick, needed by her, and diminish me in my in laws eyes so that they wouldn't like me and she wouldn't fear the relationship. My mother in law is a therapist.

.....and that's that. We got preg shorty later with my wonderful Evyn Jewel.
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  #14  
October 24th, 2012, 08:34 PM
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Yikes and omg @the James relationship! So glad you are out of that!! And I LOVE your love story with Lee!
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For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb...I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made...My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together...Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139: 13-16

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October 24th, 2012, 10:54 PM
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It is so fantastic to get to know you better. I remember having 2 close family members going through very similar struggles that you describe in your teens and early adult years. I didn't understand what was 'wrong' with them, but it wasn't them it was their disease. They also have come through treatment and made great progress in their recovery. It is always so encouraging to me to hear of God's work in someone's life, even if that wasn't their focus at the time!

Despite the struggles your love story is so heartwarming and VERY romantic! It sounds like you were absolutely swept off your feet!
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October 25th, 2012, 12:06 PM
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Ya know, GOD was very much a part of my struggles and recovery. In fact, when I first started to struggle I would go to the town church when no one was there and pray. No one my family was ever religious, spiritual or anything...no one ever went to church but it was as if my in instinct and last resort was to come to GOD. Later tonight I'll give the FAITH joruney story.

James was def' yikes! lol. I was so scared to break it off with him. I remember I had to ask myself something I usually only have to ask myself when I am going through life changing events. I've found it helpful to ask myself what am I more afraid of? In this case "was i more afraid of staying with James, though not taking the risk of losing someone i felt comfortable with, but yet knowing this is all I would ever "get", or was I more afraid of taking the risk and leaving him for hopes of something more and more fulfilling in my life.?" Obviousely you know which one I chose.
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October 25th, 2012, 03:53 PM
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How did you meet/ get involved with James?
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For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb...I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made...My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together...Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139: 13-16

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October 25th, 2012, 06:02 PM
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Ironically...the guy who gave me the name "Sleeping Beauty" when I was sick with my Anorexia in highschool...was him. I hand'e seen him for years but bumped into him while out one night. We dated ever since then. It was on the heels of me basically chasing this guy and all these ups and downs.
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October 25th, 2012, 06:30 PM
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okay so now the Faith journey....


If you thought Seinfeld's "Festivis" was out there....lol, wait til' you hear this. So my Maternal grandparents were Jewish although I don't think they believed in the faith. More traditional. My paternal (both biological and my dad's) parents were Catholic. My dad is and was an athiest and my mom, a former ...kind of...hippie is a bit more spiritual. I was raised with virtually no set of customs or understanding of the basics and beliefs of ANY religion/faith. I was completely oblivious. My mom taught us morals but they were never based on a system of beliefs. We celebrated Hanukkah and Christmas....kind of. We got our Christmas pajamas for Hanukkah and on top of our Christmas tree was a snowman. My mom and dad called in Christmas but my mom said it was more like the celebration of winter. I remember going to a friend's communion and they called everyone up for communion, and I got up and took it because I thought they were handing out like snack. They weren't too happy with me.

Anytime someone in my family died or a close family friend, my mom would teach us that this day became sort of a lucky day in which this person's presence was very strong on. The number of the day in which they died was also significant and she always instilled in us that good things would happen on these days and that they became our angels. I didn't realize til much later when I met my husband, just how bizarre this all was. I remember me saying nonchalantly "omg, today is Sibaun's lucky day." And my husband asking me who she is and why? Well, she was a friend of my mom's that killed herself. So, lol...that in a nut shell I think explains my childhood upbringing with faith.

I always had intense and deep thoughts regarding what is gerater than us. At around 16, when I began struggling with my anorexia , my family, and my OCD, I used to find my way to the local church when no one was there, and basicly prayed. I didn't know how or what I was doing I just felt comfort in a place I felt was close to GOD; the only one who I believed at this point could help me. It was my safe place.

Fast foward after recovery and when I started dating James. Well, after this whole event happened with this other guy that took advantage of me the night James was so horrible to me, I felt horribly guilty. I thought I was a cheater. I felt sick to my stomach because I can't and do not lie. (part of my obsessions revolve around having to be absolute with the truth.) I didn't know it, but again I walked into church and this time it was during a missionary thing. It was the first time I had ever been around other people there because I usually went when it was quiet. There was this adorable elderly lady sitting by me who was so sweet. We talked and she had this way and said to me "I think you are here for a reason and GOD is looking to touch your heart." I immediately enrolled myself in the adult religious instruction class and diligently went every week. I LOVED everything I read and learned about JESUS and I remember telling my aunt, who was Jewish "How could anyone not worship such a lovely person/GOD?" That is who I would think GOD would be. I was so excited to get baptized and to confess my sins for the first time (yeah I was the only person practically chomping at the bit to confess) To me, getting to go confess all my sins ad sit there and be resolved of them was like the best thing ever. lol. Well, I got baptized and accidently confirmed....lol, yes it was by accident. All the other people in my group were being confirmed that Easter and I was the only one who was being baptized and was later to be confirmed. Well, my priest accidently put his hands over me and confirmed me and then said "oops." LOL. So I got a twofer'' This all was well and good but there were pieces of me that didn't truly feel I was consuming CHRIST'S body when I ate the bread and that baptizing done by a man, really got rid of my original sin. all these rituals just didn't feel true to my heart. After I broke up with my ex-fiance and met, Lee....I remained going to church for quite some time. (Even though Lee was Jewish and I knew he didn't really like it.) I began to want to "people please" again and decided that maybe I was wrong and all the stuff that seemed silly to me ( the communion, literal baptsim etc) was indeed just that. i dabbled in Judiasm and thought in some ways I was getting in touch with my roots. My husband and I married in a synagogue. This was more to please his parents as Lee is an athiest though he always says he wants to be identified as a fellow Jew.

So about a year went by and my first dd, Evyn was 4 months when I met my best friend, Denae. The first time we met she referred to something in the bible, in casual conversation, and I knew what faith she was. After a few weeks we grew close. I'll never forget the night I messaged her and asked her is she thought GOD was mad at me because I wasn't going to church anymore. She responded with such an answer that felt so right that I immediately wanted to learn more. It felt right. I never thought that GOD would simply send someone to heaven or not whether or not they chose to go to church on Sundays or ate the bread, or was baptised by another human. She spent a year witnessing to me and we bonded over it. I guess I always thought we were as one with it but never really knew there was more to the picture. When I was 8 weeks pregnant with my second dd, Anna, I started spotting and rushed to the ER. Denae came with me. I was so scared but I was still wearing my Jewish star ring. At this point I took a leap of faith and I did so consciousely. As I was wheeled to the sono machine to see if they could find a heartbeat, I took my ring off and and gave it to the LORD. I had FAITH. She ended up being okay and we found a heartbeat!! I had other struggles with her pregnancy and all along I kept thinking that I wanted her middle name to be Faith because that was the theme of this pregnancy. She had given me faith again. STRANGE....SO STRANGE, but one night my husband asked in front of all 4 kids what they thought Anna's middle name should be. My step-daughter blurts out "FAITH"....(this is so not like her if you know her)....even more unlike themselves was my husband (who hates anything faith/religious...) said "THAT'S, PERFECT. I NEVER HAD FAITH AND NOW I WILL." That blew me out of the water and was such a testimony to me.

Denae's grandfather passed away one night and the entire day leading up to it I was praying with her family that he would be saved. (he wasn't that we knew of and was always resistant) BTW, my best friend's dad is a pastor. (it was his father) Well, he passed and we will never know but before he diesd he picked up this picture of CHRIST, looked at it, put it down and died shortly after. At 11:55 pm August 5th my bff asked me if I REALLY wanted CHRIST? I of course said yes and she quickly called me. She asked me certain things to make sure I understood and then I asked him to be my savior. I'll never forget that during this I was so intimidated and my head was all over the place. Was i having doubts? I didn't want to have doubts? Was I doing it right? What if I wanted to believe but part of me didn't? Well, hopefully I was indeed saved and since then I have tried to learn as much as possible. It means the world to me! I now have entirely different feelings about so many things and so desperately wat to share this all with my family. I'm praying every day about this.
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October 25th, 2012, 06:41 PM
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[/IMG]

[IMG][/IMG]

sorry, figuring out the pic thing. the first pic was my "Dad" and me and my wedding.

Here is Lee and I...UGH i WENT BLOND....I am so not a blond....hahaha
[IMG][/IMG]

This one is me when I was 12, I'm in the front row in the blue dress. After this, all hell broke loose in my life. =(*


This is all of us now!
[IMG][/IMG]
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