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Thoughts I've never shared.....I feel guilty


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  • 1 Post By mamaginger
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  • 1 Post By 2Corinthians10:4
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  #1  
December 6th, 2012, 04:55 PM
jeweluv's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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So, you all know by now that DH is an athiest and a stubborn one at that. We have 4 kids ( the older two are my step children) I agreed when marrying him to have only one and he even agreed to two bc I begged! He would of been fine not having any...nervertheless two.

I know so many women want more and don't have more or can't have more. I'm mostly mad at myself bc I fell in love and agreed to all this without truly understanding and realizing how it would feel. The SINGLE MOST GREATEST important thing in my life has always been to be pregnant, child bearing years, and have children! as I've said before, I was the 6 yr old dreaming of being pregnant...thinking of names....I mean it is just such a HUGE part of ME.

WHAT DID I DO? =(*

I love dh, despite our issues...sometimes he can be arrogant and judgemental. I know he truly loves me and he is honest and I trust him. He makes me feel special, loved, and always beautiful. HOWEVER....in the deep dark depths, there is a part of me that well.......hard to say.........has some regret. I even find myself daydreaming about if I ever were to remarry and get to have many more kids. I'm only sharing this because it hasbeen such a weight on me. I would never and really don't want to ever do it....it's just that this is how much having more children means to me. DH knows it means this much but can't help how he feels either. I don't know what to do with this and pray about it daily.

He does NOT want anymore kids and has specifically told me he would feel resentful. I want more kids and will feel resentful EVEN though I agreed to this so it is my fault. We are at a stand still.

I keep telling myself to wait on the LORD and if the LORD wants it to be, it will be. We are not using any contraception...just the pull out method but from what I gather, pre-cum does not contain sperm unless left over from a previous ejaculation and that is usually killed off my urine (unless of course there is a back to back DTD session)....which in our case, there never is. Unfortunately his timing is perfect. We have used this method for a year and never gotten pregnant and he used it in the past with someone and never got her pregnant.

Anything is possible with the LORD....but, we don't always get all that we desire so I can trust in the LORD but that doesn't mean my heart won't always have a MAJOR VOID!

I could and would never leave him bc I LOVE him and bc honestly, I would have to be a working single mom and I do not want to leave my children with anyone else for long periods of time. I made a commitment and love him but it is just so hard now that I am saved, to battle these differences.

I am trying to strengthen my faith as much as I can but it's hard not to worry and doubt. I just don't know what to do. I'm overhwhelmed. To be honest, even having one more, which would be 3 births for me, still wouldn't be my ultimate desire bc I wanted to have 5 of my own but of course one more would be better than no more. I feel so awful that I still desire more children because I am so lucky to have the ones that I already do...........but the heart knows no rationale.....that's what I always tell Lee.

Any advice? I keep thinking about the scripture(I think with Isaac...) where he took matters into his own hands and got the mistress pregnant when his wife couldn't conceive instead of waiting on the LORD. For this reason I really am trying not to meddle or manipulate anything and just trust the LORD.

Thanks for listening....this was hard to confess......

P.S. Would you ladies mind praying?
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  #2  
December 6th, 2012, 07:26 PM
mamaginger's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I will be praying. You never know what changes may come. God knows the desires of your heart and his plan is for us to be fruitful and multiply so your desires line up with His plan for all of mankind. Issac was the one God promised to Abraham and Sarah but Sarah got impatient and thought maybe her servant was to give her a son. That is when Ishmael was born. It brought lots of strife, division and even whole people groups warring against one another. It's never good to try to force Gods plan on our own!
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For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb...I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made...My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together...Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139: 13-16

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  #3  
December 6th, 2012, 07:50 PM
jeweluv's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thanks, Ginger =( my heart aches....
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  #4  
December 7th, 2012, 06:16 AM
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I am so sorry, hon. I cannot imagine the level of stress and sadness this puts on your heart. I will pray for some peace for you and some clarity. I pray that you take some time to be quiet and still and listen to what God is putting on your heart.

Hugs
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  #5  
December 7th, 2012, 08:49 PM
jeweluv's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thank you for your prayers. I am really trying to trust but it is hard because with abraham, GOD promised him a son so he knew he was going to have one evnetually...in this case, my future is a mystery and that is scary when you have desires as strong as I do....

Sometimes it terrifies me because I almost feel as if I sacrifices my whole life and I panic in thinking "this is it' for me..........even just one more is painful nevertheless no more. I am praying for radical change in dh's heart. Quite frankly...I'm scared of my feeling right now because i have this sadness. I'm almost 30 and the thought of being completely done is devestating. I always thought I wouldn't even come close to crossing that bridge to at LEAST 40.....at least!
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  #6  
December 8th, 2012, 09:58 AM
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Seriously I think we are married to the same man (besides the fact that your's is a doctor and mine is in the Army lol). Dh would have been happy to not have anymore children when we got married but agreed to one more (we start TTC next cycle). But my heart wants lots of children, as many as the Lord would be willing to give me. We are just now about to try for #2 and I am already mourning the fact that we will likely not have anymore children. I continue to pray for Dh's heart though, that he might grow to love the Lord and if it's the Lord's desire for me to have more children for him to put it on Dh's heart as well.
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  #7  
December 10th, 2012, 06:54 AM
Grace's Avatar Seven is Heaven
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Marriage is always about working together, both sides have to give a little to make it a healthy relationship. Dh and I knew we wanted children together when we got married, as he had no bio children and I had 4 from a previous marriage. We saved for awhile for a tubal reversal as I had my tubes tied after my last child was born. We discussed having 2 together and adopting a third later on, but we were unaware of the TTC journey ahead. After nearly 5 years of marriage and struggling with secondary IF with 2 losses, we finally welcomed our son Isaac into our family last year. Dh was great through my pg but once Isaac was here he was kinda clueless on his role as a dad and it took him awhile to even adjust to having a bio baby, he told me many times it seemed like a dream, he couldn't believe we had a baby, don't get me wrong, he was thrilled, but also nervous about a newborn. I was ready to ttc before right away but dh wasn't. He first said he wanted to wait 3 years which didn't work for me because I didn't know what the ttc journey would be like the second time, how long it would take and if we would have losses again. He told me he wanted to get used to having this one first. By the time Isaac was 3 months, dh settled in nicely and figured out where he fit in, with me always bfing and such he really didn't know what to do to help with him. I do remember being upset whenever we dtd b/c dh is condom king and wouldn't dtd without one, I convinced him to do the pull out method but as you said the chances of pg from that are nearly that of using a condom, and he too had perfect timing. I finally spoke to him about ttc again and he agreed. Turned out the stress of ttc Isaac, the losses and disappointment were too much for him. At around 5 months pg with Isaac he dropped it on me that he was getting the big V, I was shocked as that was never the plan this early on. But again it was all his fears with what we had been through to get ds in the first place, he would rather be done and be happy with ds then risk going through it all over again.

Anyway, we NTNP at 4 months pp and that turned into TTC the following month but we did it differently this time to minimize the stress of ttc. I did not use opks all the time, as they drove me insane and we just had fun with it. I did chart as I needed to take prometrium at 3 dpo to keep a pg due to low progesterone, I kinda knew when O was about to happen based on ewcm and such. We pretty much just dtd when we felt like it and if it happened it happened, of course we were both very excited about the possibility but wanted to enjoy the time together and not turn it into a stressful thing. We did get pg at 7 months pp but lost that one too, then got pg again at 9 months pp and she is due in April.

I would sit with your dh and find out why he is against having more, communication is always best, this way both of you can get your feelings out. He may not be willing to have several more children but maybe you two can agree on one more. I know my dh has said no more, not even adoption. And that is fine with me, but I also will have 6 now and 2 are with him, and he will have one of each gender, dd is finally getting a sister after nearly 12 years... what more can I ask for? I do feel complete and my heart feels full, but the feeling of Im done may never come.

I agree to leave it in the Lord hands, he knows your path. I never thought this would be my path, I honestly thought 3 children was my max but the Lord had other plans as we see. I hope your dh sees your side too, and that you two can decide on a number together.
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  #8  
December 11th, 2012, 07:56 PM
jeweluv's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thanks, ladies...it is encouraging to hear your stories and thoughts and even your feelings.

2Corrinthians I will pray for u....we need to start a prayer partnership for this...

I keep trying to remind myself that if I keep the faith and stay with the LORD that he will bring me down the path he wants me and it will be the right path bc it will be his path....
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  #9  
December 12th, 2012, 07:33 AM
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You're on the right track with your thinking. There's no doubt you're in a tough spot. And although you may never completely get over not having more babies, it does get easier when they get bigger. Dh and I both knew our 5th would be our last, and it still took me a little while to get over that stage of my life being done.

I hope you and your dh come to a point where you can both acknowledge and validate each other's views on this. Men tick completely different than us!

Anyways, I'm reading a book called "every womans marriage" by Shannon Ethridge, it may be a worthwhile read for you too. Dh and I don't have any big issues, but the book is a good reminder for me to try to be the wife I really do want to be.
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  #10  
December 12th, 2012, 03:26 PM
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I can understand how you feel. I always wanted 4 and DH wanted 1. When he finally agreed to a 2nd, one thing after another happened and it just didn't happen. Two year ago I had Open Heart Surgery and was told I COULDN'T have any more... So for two years I have mourned the loss of a child I never had the chance of having. I know I am lucky to have one but my heart longs for more. Recently though things have changed, and although it is risky, DH and I are taking the steps to have number 2 and hopefully will begin TTC next yr. Keep the Faith!
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  #11  
December 17th, 2012, 06:44 AM
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I will pray for you and your family. I will pray for the Holy Spirit to convict your husband so that he may come to know Christ and be washed by the blood of the Lamb. That is the most important factor in this, and I will also be praying for God's direction in your lives.

I will pray for strength for you and that you will draw close to God so that you can walk in obedience to His will and hear His voice when he's trying to direct you.

If I'm understanding correctly you are a newborn Christian, am I right? I encourage you to take out your Bible and dig deep. Pray that God will reveal things to you as you read His word.
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Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Romans 8:28
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  #12  
December 19th, 2012, 07:48 PM
jeweluv's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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5 IN.....There is such a strong part of me that feels I can't get over this =(

orangebritttainy I will pray healing thoughts and for you to get that second baby!!!

left field...THOSE PRAYERS SOUND PERFECT...THANK YOU!!! I am trying to dive in head first and just submerge myself in the word and his grace. I too wish for dh;s heart attitude because I believe that is everything..................
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