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My heart is heavy...


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  #1  
October 31st, 2006, 04:31 AM
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Location: Millington, Tennessee
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I hope I wil be able to convey this in writing and make my issues clear.

I still consider myself new at parenting (at times), I have a 17 month old. BEFORE her, my character is one of strength and independence. I have always valued that in myself. I think it's also relevant to say that I have also been very introverted and to myself kind of person and a by myself kind of person. I remember my husband (then fiance) in premarital counseling adressed with the counselor that I "NEED" and depend on no one. The counselor of course wanted him to realize that part of why he liked me so was that he KNEW he could count on me and that I get things done (I do realize that this is not always a positive trait).

ANYWAY, now as a mom I feel like, of course, my most important task right now is taking care of Mollie, keeping her on a schedule, watching what she eats, reading to her, talking to her, playing with her, keeping her safe and loving her. I feel like a CONTROL FREAK and abnormal, but at the same time I feel like I am suppose to be this way in order to best take care of her. My SIL and my brother are very much able to drop their kids off at the grandparents house and take off and it seems they do it without a care in the world. I, on the other hand, feel very conscientious of not wanting to be a burden on either my mom or my MIL in wathcing Mollie. I feel that if my husband can't be the one to care for her in my absence, then not much is worth doing without her. Also if I have to leave her, I prefer her to remain at home if it's going to be during bathtime, bedtime and the such (meaning hire a babysitter if necessary). I must add, that I love nothing more that just being home with Mollie, not having to take her here, there, and everywhere in order to keep myself or her entertained. This makes me feel guilty (not sure why!?). Never in my life have I had this much guilt feeling as I do since I am an mom. It's very strange and not like me at all! That's why I need input.

Can ANYONE relate to me or give me any advice? I have been struggling and praying about this for a while and usually when I am this bothered by something, it's indicative of changes that need to be made. Actually there is a little aside to the above that factors in, but it would make it TOO long to post. Maybe in another post.

THANKS in advance!
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  #2  
October 31st, 2006, 06:36 AM
dinamommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 11,610
I'm going to attempt to reply to your post as best I can. I find myself in your post, somewhat. I too am always worried about burdening someone with watching my daughter and hardly ever leave her. I too am a nap/bedtime natzi! I like her to be able to go to bed and have her nap at the same time and in her own bed. This is what she prefers too. She has a hard time sleeping somewhere else. This creates a problem for me too. I watch my neighbor's little girl quite a bit b/c I am a SAHM and my neighbor works. I don't watch her every day or even close to it, but I watch her daughter as a favor sometimes and she wonders why I never ask her to watch Tyrael. I really have nothing against her, but, unlike her, I have family in town who can watch Ty, if need be, and I just don't hardly ever leave her. As for leaving her with her grandparents or my sister, I never want to burden them, but they are always sooooo excited to get to watch her. I realized that I was cheating them out of bonding with her by not leaving her with them. I am much better about this now than I use to be. They need that special time with her, and I need the time away from her to just have some fun or get something done by myself or with my husband. I know it's so hard, but maybe you should talk to her grandparents and tell them how you've been feeling. I betcha they will say that they miss having time with your daughter and that you are not burdening them to leave her with them every once in awhile.

Let me ask you a question. When was the last time you and your husband had a date? I should be asking myself this question!! Anyways, this is just a thought, but could you be feeling guilty because you need to spend time with your husband? I don't know if I'm right, but I know it's easy to get wrapped up in being "Mommy" and you forget to be "Wifey". Dr. Phil always says that the greatest gift you can give your child/children is a good relationship with their father.

I'm sorry if I'm way off base. If I am, then maybe someone else can help you better. Oh, I forgot to say, that it is a very good thing you are praying about this. You just keep doing that. Don't worry. God will guide you in the way that He wants you to go, as long as you are willing to surrender to His will.

Sending you love and hugs,
Stacey
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  #3  
October 31st, 2006, 08:24 AM
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Thanks Stacey for the heartfelt reply! My MIL watches Mollie when I work (1-2 times a week) and I try to get my mom to watch her for other activities, so they do each get some Mollie time.

As far as dating my husband, we weren't too good at that even before Mollie, so I don't feel like I am missing out there. He is an attorney, works a lot and usually we have his work functions to do that serve as our big nights out. I do LONG for his interest and involvement in OUR immediate family. He's been slow to come around, and used to say when she was a baby "I'll spend time with her when she's older and can really play." Now that she is older, he still spends his free time on the weekends working on his "at home projects, b/c that's all the time I have." What I've learned is that men ARE "just different." Which contributes to my feelings of being a control freak....I am doing this by myself for the most part, he's not involved, he only does what he absolutely has to...for the most part.

ANYWAY, that's a little more of my concern. I will continue to pray, thanks for the encouragement. And, I probably should talk with at least my MIL (some more). I'd like for my husband to understand but he always says, "don't worry about it."

THANKS again!
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  #4  
October 31st, 2006, 02:56 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Arizona
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I just wrote a novella to you but decided to erase it.

I know exactly how you feel, I have been there and still am there sometimes.

Try to pray with your husband. Try to calmly and lovingly tell him what your needs are. Tell him you need him to be more involved.

Try going out while he is there to watch your dd for a while.

We don't go out much either but we are fine with that. If we go, we usually take Owen. We love him. Sometimes all I need is a half an hour alone in my room to fold laundry, KWIM? I lock the door and dh will watch him.
Sometimes I go to bed really early and just lay there and read the bible or watch tv. DH will put Owen to bed.
Maybe that is all you need from your dh. I bet if you tell him how you feel, he will be understanding.
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  #5  
October 31st, 2006, 07:41 PM
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i will b responding to this when i have 2 hands 2 type, but i wanted u to know that u r not alone.
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  #6  
October 31st, 2006, 10:22 PM
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,242
Quote:
I hope I wil be able to convey this in writing and make my issues clear.

I still consider myself new at parenting (at times), I have a 17 month old. BEFORE her, my character is one of strength and independence. I have always valued that in myself. I think it's also relevant to say that I have also been very introverted and to myself kind of person and a by myself We don't go out much either but we are kind of person. I remember my husband (then fiance) in premarital counseling adressed with the counselor that I "NEED" and depend on no one. The counselor of course wanted him to realize that part of why he liked me so was that he KNEW he could count on me and that I get things done (I do realize that this is not always a positive trait).

ANYWAY, now as a mom I feel like, of course, my most important task right now is taking care of Mollie, keeping her on a schedule, watching what she eats, reading to her, talking to her, playing with her, keeping her safe and loving her. I feel like a CONTROL FREAK and abnormal, but at the same time I feel like I am suppose to be this way in order to best take care of her. My SIL and my brother are very much able to drop their kids off at the grandparents house and take off and it seems they do it without a care in the world. I, on the other hand, feel very conscientious of not wanting to be a burden on either my mom or my MIL in wathcing Mollie. I feel that if my husband can't be the one to care for her in my absence, then not much is worth doing without her. Also if I have to leave her, I prefer her to remain at home if it's going to be during bathtime, bedtime and the such (meaning hire a babysitter if necessary). I must add, that I love nothing more that just being home with Mollie, not having to take her here, there, and everywhere in order to keep myself or her entertained. This makes me feel guilty (not sure why!?). Never in my life have I had this much guilt feeling as I do since I am an mom. It's very strange and not like me at all! That's why I need input.

Can ANYONE relate to me or give me any advice? I have been struggling and praying about this for a while and usually when I am this bothered by something, it's indicative of changes that need to be made. Actually there is a little aside to the above that factors in, but it would make it TOO long to post. Maybe in another post.

THANKS in advance![/b]
It sounds like you are being wayyy too hard on yourself. I would like the hear the "little aside to the above factors" before I comment any further, because I don't want to say anything without knowing the big picture. (but if you don't want to, then of course, by all means dont' share).
((((((hugs)))))


"We don't go out much either but we are fine with that. If we go, we usually take Owen. We love him."

I just wanted to quickly comment on this yet. Dh and I go out without our children BECAUSE we love them. It has nothing to do with how much you love your children wether you leave them to go out sometime or not. Now that we have 5 children, we have been making a real point to go out together and to nurture our relationship. I don't want to have our kids leave our home to then realize I am left with a virtual stranger that is my husband. I think it's an absolute priority to spend that time together, and I think we owe it to our children to keep our relationship healthy. As much as I absolutely love being a mom, I really like feeling like a couple first sometimes, instead of mom and dad.
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  #7  
November 1st, 2006, 06:48 AM
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Location: Millington, Tennessee
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THanks for all of the replys! (AYdensmommy, it often don't post for the same reason).

As to more of my story....I am mostly "hard" on myself and so scrutinizing because of my husbands family. My SIL had kids first, so they are used to how she does things with her kids. I don't necessarily agree with her approach to things and therefore parent a little differently. I feel very judged by my SIL and my MIL. They are EXTREMELY nice people, but they are very jugdemental behind closed doors (about everyone) and LOVE to keep up with all of the gossip. Both of these traits I have found a little unsettling b/c they keep up a front that is SO different. I have once overheard and twice been told by others that my SIL talks about my parenting approach with Mollie. This blew me out of the water! I already knew she liked talking about people but I wasn't prepared to be one of the ones she talks about and then when were face to face, it's all, what I call, "nicey, nicey." There have been times when my SIL told her mom that she "hates her life" and she's one of those people who has no hobbies, and does nothing for herself. She used to call me several times a day and wanted to know EVERYTHING we had done, had planned to do, I think she's bored. It made me feel like I was under a microscope and guilty if I did or planned to do something without her. My husband says she's jealous of me and who I am and MAYBE how I parent? I have never been one to be OK with conflict or anyone being upset with me. Other people in my life accept my approach to mothering in an embracing/understanding manner, my MIL and SIL at times have not, which makes me totally second guess myself (again, something I am not used to).

THANKFULLY, I did get to talk to my husband about a lot of this last night and I do feel better and just finding out from you all that I am not in left field helps too! THANKS!
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  #8  
November 1st, 2006, 07:17 AM
dinamommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Maybe I could share a little with you about my in-laws since you are having a little bit of trouble with yours. I have the exact same problem as you about he differing parenting styles. My FIL even told me once that I was feeding my baby poison whenever I would give her formula. Mind you, I breast fed almost exclusively with maybe 1 or two supplemetary formula bottles, but that wasn't good enough apparantly. Also, we are of a different faith than my in-laws and there are still some things they don't understand about what we believe. Right after I had just delivered my daughter, my FIL came in the room to hold my daughter and promptly said, "I just can't believe that you would think that this innocent baby would go to hell if she were to die right now." I promptly responded......told him that is NOT what we believe, and he didn't say another word. Wow! Can you imagine having to deal with that right after 16 hours of labor? Okay, one more thing, and then I'll shut up. My MIL is really big on not going to the doctor, using vitamins to cure everything that ails ya, and LOVES to give babies anything you have asked her not to. They would put berries in her mouth when she was 5 months old, and even tried to give her honey (um, botulism!). I felt like I was constantly having to protect her. Well, they still try to give me unwanted advice and say things that get me fuming, but they now know that I just have a different style than they are use to. Even when my MIL tries to get her little digs in about me using an epidural instead of toughing it out, I just tell her that is what I chose, and I'll probably choose it again.

If your family isn't willing to say what they don't like about your parenting style to your face, then what can you do, other than continue doing what you know is right for your family? If they do say something to you, then just say that this is the way you do it and you know that they do it differently. They can't really say anything else to that. Hey, I know it's sooooooo hard to deal with in-laws (or your own family, at times), but you do the best you can. Just know that you are doing the best by your daughter that you know how, and she will grow up the better for it.

I don't know if this helped or not, but I'm sure we've all had a run-in or two with our in-laws and can totally relate to you. You're DEFINITELY not alone.

BTW, I'm so glad you talked to your husband about some of your concerns. I'm sure that lifted quite a load off your back.
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  #9  
November 1st, 2006, 08:01 PM
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Location: Millington, Tennessee
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Dinamommy, THANK YOU!

I really appreciate you taking the time to share all of your situation and it is ALL very appropriate and VERY similar to my situation (maybe I am not so abnormal after all!). I can't believe the "nerve" of some people (like your FIL!). My mouth dropped open when I read how your MIL likes to give exactly what you have asked her not to give to your child! My daughter's diet has been a huge concern of mine and I've had to tell my MIL, more than once, that it's NOT OK (at least not yet, maybe ever) to take Mollie to McDonalds (I know, some people just can't relate to that) or to give her candy and cookies for no reason other than to make yourself feel better. And much like you she continues to throw out little comments to me about it.... that's part of the "nicey to your face" but MUST be talking about me behind my back or why else would continue to say such things.

Continuing to feel better, thanks again!

BTW, I must have been the DDC of May 2007 that I remember you from rather than TTC board, b/c I didn't post on TTC, I did post on May 2007 in premature expectation of being PG. I am sorry about your situation. I'll pray for you and TTC!

Stephanie
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