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I'm at my wits end, literally. I hardly pray. I will begin praying and my mind drifts into other thoughts. Reading my bible lately has been a challenge (not having the time is mainly the reason, but mostly little motivation). I'm tired, but that's manageable. My husband thinks that I'm the maid and should do everything, although he would probably say that it's me, not him. He will literally leave his clothes on the floor for days. I used to pick them up, but I stopped. I'm not his maid and I believe that he should learn that behaving like that won't keep us married for too much longer. I will cook (not a problem, b/c at least I know that it will be healthy), but after dinner, he won't take the dishes and clean them. I have stopped ironing clothes, with the exception of clothes for Sunday. I spent the better part of a year ironing his clothes for work, and did he ever say thank you, not one time. My SIL (his sister now), says that I must train him and not think that I have to be superwoman to prove a point to him. The other issues with DH go on and on and on, but that seems small compared to what I mentioned in the first 4 sentences. I feel that God has turned his back on me due to my horrible lack of judgement and the choices that I've made. I hate my job, but we can't afford for me to quit at this time. I really feel that life is passing me by and I'm stuck trying to calm my frazzled nerves enough to pray and not sound so "leftoverish" in my prayers. They've become repetitive and common and I don't believe that God has heard them for a while. I have a beautiful daughter that I adore and enjoy doing for her, yet without a fulfilling prayer life and spending time in God's word, it all seems so empty. I usually try to do devotions when I get to work seeing that I have 30 minutes b/f I really have to begin "working", and I get to antzy that I will go from reading my bible to reading a magazine to checking e-mail. What is wrong with me? Am I going crazy? My mind needs to be retuned and I've begun making a list of things I want to believe that God can change within me in 2007 and I can't even complete that. I need prayers.
The way I see it, the man should work outside the home and the woman should take care of the home. OBVIOUSLY that's not possible in America most of the time. If you're having to help him work, he should be helping you around the house! I can understand your frustration.
Here's what I would do. Make a list with a his and hers column. On the side, write down time for the day in 30 minute increments. Fill in the list with everything you each do. Discuss it with him. Maybe you honestly and unintentionally left out something that he's doing as well. If you discuss the list and find that he's spending 3 hours a night watching t.v. while you're spending 3 hours a night cooking, cleaning, bathing children, etc., maybe he'll understand why you're so tired and will feel obligated to pick up the slack now and then. Sometimes I actually SCHEDULE a trip to walmart just so I can have a couple of hours alone buying groceries, waiting for an oil change or prescription, or heck... even waiting in line at the checkout.
Do you have a time of regular fellowship with other Christians? Esp. Christain women? Do you have a pastor or someone like that that you can go to for a little bit of counseling in these areas? I was going through something like this when I was pregnant with my last son. I really think that it was a combo of hormones and some other things. But I got off the beaten path really quick.
From the sounds of it, you and your husband don't have a family devotion or prayer time do you? There is a saying and it may seem kind of cliche, but it is true, a family that prays together stays together.
I would really look into some Christian counseling, I know it helped me out immensly.
I am just going off of what I just read and what my instinct just pushed out of my brain....
Our past couple of sermons were about being a servant. Jesus was a servant. If you can truly give without wanting in return, you are a true servant. This is such a hard one for me to swallow.
We just read Habbakuk in the bible. It is a really short book, I would recommend you try to look that over. It won't take long and I was suprised at how it spoke to me.
Dr. Laura in the radio may tell you to sit and think of 5 wonderful qualities about your husband. Then she would say your life doesn't sound too bad now, does it?? But she is a tough cookie.
Dr. Phil would say, "how's that working for ya?" If it's not, something needs to change.
You sound like you may be a bit depressed and the lines of communication between you and your dh seem severed at the moment. I have been there, trust me.
Do you have the power within yourself to figure out how it is that you can talk to your dh in a way that he will listen and take heart in what you need? I have learned with my dh that he does not respond well unless I can speak with no emotion, try to be as nice and polite as possible and get straight to the point. "Honey, while I am cleaning up the kitchen, would you please give Owen his bath? I could really use the help and Owen would really like to hang out with you." It may sound cheesy, but for him, that works. In the past, tears have worked, most men don't like tears.... How about a date night where you are having a good time together? Can you start a dialogue then?
Is it possible something is bothering him and he is depressed? Maybe he needs to be coaxed into talking about his problems. That has happened around here. My husband will bottle stuff up in his gut until he can't sleep.
Above all, I would tell you to force yourself to pray and PRAISE GOD for all that you have. Thank him for all the blessings in your life. Maybe you don't need to dwell in the negative for a day or two. Spend time just being thankful and thanking Him for your home and family. Ask Him to help you pray and ask for guidance in your marraige.
Just talk to Him as if He were standing right there in front of you and He was your friend.
Last but not least, tell him you have called a housekeeping service and they will be at your house on next Thursday and it will cost $200. I did that to dh once (I was totally serious), and he almost immediately started cleaning. Men don't like to part with money. If he doesn't balk at that, then congratulations, you got yourself some housekeeping help!
Last but not least, tell him you have called a housekeeping service and they will be at your house on next Thursday and it will cost $200. I did that to dh once (I was totally serious), and he almost immediately started cleaning. Men don't like to part with money. If he doesn't balk at that, then congratulations, you got yourself some housekeeping help! [/b]
My first suggestion is that you increase your time with God. Spend some quality time with Him so that you can be more open to hearing what He has to say. Spend daily time in His word. I read the one year bible and it is great. It only takes about 15 minutes a day, which would work perfect in that half hour you have. God talks to us through His word, He counsels us, He answers prayers, you have to be willing to listen though.
Have you ever read "The 5 Love Languages" book? This was a great book for my DH and I to go through. It helps you both understand what the other person needs to be shown love. It sounds like you would like him to show you his love through acts of service. It would be beneficial for you both to know what the other person needs, it even gives suggestions at the end of each chapter for either the husband or wife to try.
My DH and I also sat down and came up with a daily chore list. He saw how much I was doing and is willing to help step in sometimes. It also helps you to spread out your chores so you don't become too overwhelmed. Mondays I clean/detail the kitchen, Tuesdays is the bathrooms, Wednesday is laundry, etc....
The ultimate love language though is prayer. If you are getting your focus off yourself and instead focusing and praying for you husband, your heart will begin to fill with God's love for him. I am reading through "The Power of a Praying Wife" and it has really opened my eyes. I now spend daily time praying over my husband. In the first chapter it explains how most of us want to pray "Change my husband, Lord" but what God wants us to say is "Change me, Lord." We need to come to God and pray for our hearts to be open more. We are called to respect our husbands (Eph. 5:33). They are to be the head of the house. We are called to be a Proverbs 31 wife. Take the time to read that chapter. I pray that one day I can be that woman. She does A LOT!! She takes care of the home and runs it well. She is wise with the finances. She keeps herself healthy and tries to dress attractively. She works diligently. She is giving and prepares for the future. She speaks wisely and kindly. She doesn't sit around, she is always watching after her home. She supports her husband.
Yes, sometimes you want your husband to help you out, but God has called us to be the ones to take care of the home. Pray that your heart will change. Confess to God your anger and frustrations with your husband. If you become really angry with your husband, do not lash out, go and pray. Let God clear your mind. Don't let Satan get a stronghold in your marriage and spilt you apart!
I'll be praying for you I really recommend getting the books I mentioned, they have helped me sooooo much!!!
*~ Chloe with us for 22 weeks, went to heaven September 14th, 2006 ~*
She had the face of an angel
First of all, I want to let you know that God hears ALL of our prayers, no matter how shallow or repetitive they may be. He is always listening. Secondly, he KNOWS you better than you know yourself. He sees your situation, he knows your struggles, and he understands. He is very faithful.
But he calls us to be faithful too. I think it is often hard to get into devotionals and the bible at times for me as well, especially if you can't relate to something. I could start one devotional book that is SO me at the time, and then a month later it isn't. So it makes it difficult that way. But one that I did read, that was so excellent was called "Ordinary Mom, Extraordinary God" by Mary DeMuth. I think you would really like it and I recommend it to anyone. Also, the psalms really are a gift when time is limited because they are usually short (just don't try reading psalm 119 in one sitting!!) so it leaves you more time for reflection.
Christian fellowship also really helps. When you have at least one good christian woman friend that you can talk to and lean on when you need to, it will do wonders for your life. Sometimes our husbands and even children and our jobs can get us down and it is such a burden lifted when there is a friend there to let us cry on their shoulder. Maybe a friend from church, or even someone here.
As for the cleaning bit...I know what that is like. My husband lets me know that he appreciates all I do but let me tell you...I HATE cleaning and it often is messy more than clean around here. I wonder if I should hire a maid sometimes, but they cost too much. SO I just leave the house a mess and tell him that when he has time off from work we will clean together...and he helps that way.
Thank you for all of your suggestions and advice. I know that I can learn a lot from you guys seeing that I've only been married for a little over 2 years and most of you have been married a little longer.
Psalm 139:13, DH will not read anything...and I mean anything. He only reads scientific magazines or the bible (lately, haven't seen him crack it open AT ALL). I did read the 5 Love Languages, though and it was a really great book. I need to reread it and more closely examine the types of love languages that DH speak and myself also. I've tried to relay this to him in the past, but it fell mostly on deaf ears. I'll also try to prepare a list of his better qualities. As far as being a Prov. 31 wife. We did a bible/book study on this and after a very heated discussion (I mean really heated), I tended to agree with the majority of the women there. We are not expected to be her (one of the books that was brought up (can't remember the title) mentioned that this isn't just one woman, but a collection of different women) and that God never intended us to do all of the things listed. Because they are different women, it was stated that way for us to focus in on what we excell in (our gifts/talents) as it were and run with that and use that to nuture, assist, and cultivate our homes. Just my look at things. I'll ask one of the ladies on Sunday what the name of that book was and let you know. I agree with what you said though and will pray that my heart and mind be changed to serve more and not look at what others are not doing. Thank you for your comments.
Rusha. I really admire the fact that your husband lets you know that he appreciates all that you do. Unfortunately my DH never says anything, unless it's not getting done, then it's complaints. He talks down to me as though I'm his child and not his wife. I will continue, well, actually start more earnestly praying and seeking the Lord's will for my life and for DH and for our marriage and family. I don't want Sarah to grow up thinking that she should allow herself to be treated like I'm allowing myself to be treated. My grandmother used to say that a woman's life is hard. We are expected to give and do so much, but receive little to no thanks or recognition. But that we should never loose heart, because, the Lord will thank and recognize us for what we did and more importantly for the spirit in which it was done. I will pray and seek that my spirit be changed for serving and focus more on serving and not on the servicee (DH).
Jessica. You are right about us not having a family devotion. We used to and I realize now that I should have been more encouraging towards DH for leading them. I believe that the husband, being the priest of the home and the head of the wife/home, should perform these duties and such should be expected. Similarly to the fact that wives are expected to be the nurturers/keepers of the home. Of course, responsibilites need to be shared when both are working outside of the home and even when they aren't. Still a lot to learn here.
Again, ladies, thank you for your comments and suggestions and your prayers are needed.
It is great that you can see some truth in all that was suggested to you....now you can make a list and pray specifically.
This may be what you need to get yourself back into the mode to pray. Fight for what you have and do not allow the enemy to permeate your marriage and your family. You can show the enemy that a woman is the last he should mess with because you will call upon the Sovereign Lord to rescue you and your family. The enemy cannot compete with the prayers of a fervent and torked off woman!