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  #1  
January 9th, 2007, 10:37 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,539
Hi ladies,

I know it's been forever since I've been on here... I've been so busy, you might not even remember me!

Anyways... I need some advice...

Months and months ago my husband and a most terrible fight with his brother. There were several attempts to try to reconcile and things would seem to be okay for awhile but then his brother or his brother's wife would do something to insult either my husband or both of us. The peace was never long lasting. Finally we had enough of it and pretty much decided to cut off my BIL and his family from our lives as completely as possible. We decided that it was better to forgive him (even though he's never asked it) from a distance. We thought it might be better to not be around him period if he continued to insult us, make us feel horrid and lead us into anger against him. We just didn't like feeling that way... AT ALL. So we successfully or as successfully as we can cut them out. It has not been easy. First off... we didn't make other family members choose between us... that would just be wrong. Since this was our choice we make an extra effort to go and celebrate another family member's birthday at a seprate time so we don't have to see my BIL or his family. But every time we turn down an invitation to a family get together my MIL is always saying we're not 'Acting very Christian like' or 'Jesus says to turn the other cheek.' I mean sometimes what she says really gets to me. But then I remember that when I am around them and I hear some of my BIL's snide comments about my family I don't really feel very Christian like then either. My husband says that we're doing the right thing...
I don't know... maybe its just my MIL trying to manipulate me into doing what she wants me to do.
It just happened again this past weekend and it's been bugging me.
Any input would be great.
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  #2  
January 9th, 2007, 11:25 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Northern WI
Posts: 4,095
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Well I can see both sides of the coin here. Your MIL is right to a certain extent. Yes we are supposed to turn the cheek. Are you harboring unforgiveness? If so that needs to be taken care of right off the bat. If that is why you all have cut him out then yes you all are wrong.


BUt I am not seeing that is why you guys cut him out. From what you say, I agree with your husband. You guys are doing the right thing. You are keeping yourselves from sinning right now. You said that you all end up with feelings that are not Christian like. You cannot be doing that and you have to stay away from those situations that cause you to feel that way. The other thing is, if your BIL is still being bullheaded and is doing things that insult you and your family he is abusing you all. Jesus never once told us that we have to accept being abused and torn down. Yes we will be persecuted for our beliefs at one point or another, but this is different. This is blatant abuse and if you were to continue to live in this mess, you would be teaching your children that it is okay to remain in the bondage that people can put us in.

I do think that it is important for you guys to let your BIL know that you all have forgiven him. Whether it be on the phone, in person or through a letter. Let him know that you have forgiven him and release him from this. Then you and your husband or your whole family even, should daily enter into prayer for BIL and family because there is a reason he is behaving this way. Hurting people hurt others. He is wounded somewhere and it needs to be mended. So if you are going to keep your distance physically, intercede for him. We are commanded to pray for our enemies and to bless them. I think that you all will be pleasantly suprised at how God will work in his life once the right attitude is taken in prayer. I know first hand because I had to do that with both of my fathers. I wrote my adoptive dad out first of our lives. But through writing a letter of forgiveness and releasing him from that bondage and through prayer and blessings on our side, we are now very good friends. If you want to read that testimony go to this link http://www.justmommies.com/boards/in...owtopic=432405 and read my entry there....it may encourage you that healing is possible in this situation.

I cannot stress it enough though, Prayer Prayer Prayer.....interceding for someone especially a someone you do not like, those are powerful prayers!

And as far as your MIL goes, have your hubby sit down with her and let her know that this is a situation that you all cannot be in right now, BUT you are praying about it and that you all would appreciate it if she were to stop meddling in the situation. That it has nothing to do with her. And then ask her if she would join you all in praying for the situation. That will help her feel as though she is helping fix the problem like mothers what to do.
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  #3  
January 9th, 2007, 01:28 PM
oicyur's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Utah
Posts: 3,974
I'm not apart of this board, so I hope you don't mind me chimming in here.

I can imagine how tough this situation must be for you! If I were in your situation I would find it extremely difficult to distance myself like that, but would have a hard time seeing another way around that since your BIL seems to be so rude to you guys.

If you want to have a good relationship with your BIL again there are a few things that I would suggest trying before you burn any bridges and cut any ties. Afterall, once you've tried everything you can and there is still anger and hurtful things coming from him there isn't much you can do. But before you cut ties, might I suggest a few things.

#1. Tell him YOU'RE sorry. I have no idea what he's done to you, but I do know one way to soften a heart is to sincerely apologize to the party that has offended you. I once had a very honorable friend, who whenever we'd get in a fight, even when it was my fault to begin with, she'd almost always be the one to call me up and apologize. It lends way to mending a heart. I think if you told your BIL that you forgive him that wouldn't go over so well. As if you're saying that he was in the wrong, which no one wants to have that told to them. So I'd pray about what to say and then apologize to him, sincerely. Even if you can't possibly see what you could apologize about, you could at least say something like, "I'm sorry the way things have turned out and that I've gotten upset with you in the past". Something like that to show love towards him. Which leads me to my next suggestion.

#2. Kill him with love. My sister gave me the advice when I moved away from home, that if I had any roommates that I just couldn't get along with, to serve them. That was one of Christ's main messages in His life. To serve our fellow men. There's a reason. Not only is it "Christ-like" it also opens up love in both directions; from the one serving and the one being served. If you were to try and forget about what he's done to hurt you and just find ways to serve him and his family and consistently do that along with giving him compliments, I'm positive that would help your situation. I don't know of a person who's wall around their heart wouldn't start to chip away if someone were to serve them and compliment them and... well, kill them with kindness and love.

Anyways, I hope things can mend between the two of you. Best of wishes!
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"I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it."
- Thomas Jefferson


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  #4  
January 9th, 2007, 02:46 PM
dinamommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 11,610
Of course we remember you, Jenny! I often look to see if you've posted. I hope you are doing well. I read this whole situation of yours when you posted it on the other board. I'm so so sorry it has come to this. I know you have been through a lot in this situation and it has caused your family so much grief. I know it seems like things won't ever get better, but they might. If nothing else, I hope your hearts can heal and you can move on. I agree with Jessica. You need to be in constant prayer about this. God can do so much more than you can do yourselves. It must be so hard to have this constant wedge in your family. I can't imagine the heartache it must cause you. You will continue to be in my prayers.
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  #5  
January 9th, 2007, 06:32 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Arizona
Posts: 4,715
Hmm, I am of the opinion that if you need space from the situation, then take it. At least for now. You probably can't change this man and he may never treat you with the respect and dignity that you want him to. I know a couple of people like that. You do have to forgive them, but that doesn't mean you have to subject yourself or your family to him.

Your DH should make sure to support you with your MIL. She should not be making you feel bad for anything. Make him intercede for you if need be.

I will pray your situation gets better and you and your dh get some clarity on this issue.
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  #6  
January 9th, 2007, 06:43 PM
proudmomto4boys!'s Avatar no clue what I am doing!
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 322
Quote:
I'm not apart of this board, so I hope you don't mind me chimming in here.

I can imagine how tough this situation must be for you! If I were in your situation I would find it extremely difficult to distance myself like that, but would have a hard time seeing another way around that since your BIL seems to be so rude to you guys.

If you want to have a good relationship with your BIL again there are a few things that I would suggest trying before you burn any bridges and cut any ties. Afterall, once you've tried everything you can and there is still anger and hurtful things coming from him there isn't much you can do. But before you cut ties, might I suggest a few things.

#1. Tell him YOU'RE sorry. I have no idea what he's done to you, but I do know one way to soften a heart is to sincerely apologize to the party that has offended you. I once had a very honorable friend, who whenever we'd get in a fight, even when it was my fault to begin with, she'd almost always be the one to call me up and apologize. It lends way to mending a heart. I think if you told your BIL that you forgive him that wouldn't go over so well. As if you're saying that he was in the wrong, which no one wants to have that told to them. So I'd pray about what to say and then apologize to him, sincerely. Even if you can't possibly see what you could apologize about, you could at least say something like, "I'm sorry the way things have turned out and that I've gotten upset with you in the past". Something like that to show love towards him. Which leads me to my next suggestion.

#2. Kill him with love. My sister gave me the advice when I moved away from home, that if I had any roommates that I just couldn't get along with, to serve them. That was one of Christ's main messages in His life. To serve our fellow men. There's a reason. Not only is it "Christ-like" it also opens up love in both directions; from the one serving and the one being served. If you were to try and forget about what he's done to hurt you and just find ways to serve him and his family and consistently do that along with giving him compliments, I'm positive that would help your situation. I don't know of a person who's wall around their heart wouldn't start to chip away if someone were to serve them and compliment them and... well, kill them with kindness and love.

Anyways, I hope things can mend between the two of you. Best of wishes![/b]


I agree. (1 corin. 13:4-8) Love never fails (v.8) and I can promise you its not going to be easy. Its soo hard to bite our tongue when your being openly insulted. but remember it takes 2(or more) to argue. also pray about the situation and see what God wants you to do, and pray for you BIL. I know the situation will get resolved real fast especially if God is involved.
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Isaiah 9yrs old,
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  #7  
January 9th, 2007, 08:31 PM
christianmommato3's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: OHIO
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(((HUGS)))
praying for the family
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stay at home, homeschooling momma to Jacob(12), Alisha(10), Andrew (5)


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  #8  
January 10th, 2007, 05:24 AM
Rusha's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Canada
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I know it must be hard hearing comments from your mother in law. But, youare doing the right thing ig you are choosing to distance yourself from your BIL in order to have a more christian attitude and not be struck down with anger.

Depending on your relationship with your MIL, and whether or not she is a christian, maybe you could sit down and have a chat with her and explain WHY you don't want to see BIL and his family.

xoxoxo
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  #9  
January 10th, 2007, 10:57 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,539
Thanks everyone for the input. I have been praying about this almost constantly, I hate conflict of any kind. My husband and I have both forgiven my BIL and we've tried to tell him this... both through a phone conversation that didn't end well and through my MIL. He simply thinks that he did nothing wrong and that we were the only ones at fault. We admited that we were wrong and tried to apologize to him too and that didn't work.

I did talk to my husband though and he's going to talk to his mom about how we feel about the whole situation and why we're going to distance ourselves for the time being. She'll listen to him more than me.

Thank you again for all your help and prayers.... it means so much to me and my family.
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