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This morning, I was awoken, I know it was God speaking to me. I haven't written a poem in well over 3 years because I have just never had one come to me. It's impossible for me to just sit down and write one, I really have to have them come to me. Well, as soon as the words came into my head I sat up and grabbed my laptop and opened up word. I started typing and then I ended up posting it in a blog on my myspace. If you all don't mind, I thought I would share my blog with you. I wrote it about my dad because I am just simply shocked at everything that is happening. I know that the reason he is doing these things is because of his illness and it's truly something he can't help. He has an appointment that I know of coming up soon with his case worker and I am really hoping he reads my myspace(he has an account) and sees what I wrote. I don't know if this is the reason God gave these words to me or not but I know that he did, I just felt it the second I woke up, it very rarely happens. Anyway, without further stalling, here are the words I wrote..
Do You Know?
Do you know how much I am hurting?
Do you even really care?
Like a memory you left us here,
In the middle of no where.
We have tried so many times to help you,
In the best way we thought we could.
But it seems to me you didn't want it,
Or even try the way you should.
When you were told you had this illness,
One that did not have a cure.
We stood by you with open arms,
And hearts and cares so pure.
We tried everyday to tell you,
What you're doing was so wrong.
You can't change what you were trying to change,
And right here was where you belonged.
Instead you took up your own way,
You decided you didn't want us near.
You betrayed us and left our hearts broken,
Our minds all tangled with fear.
The people that you were "helping",
Don't care the way we cared.
Instead you left your wife and kids,
And the life that we once shared.
What is it that's so wrong with us?
To reject us like you do.
What does 26 years you spent with mom mean?
Was your love you told her you had true?
It's hard to think the father we had,
So many years ago is gone.
You and mom brought us into this world,
And now you're leaving us alone.
You told her that you wanted nothing from us,
That you no longer were able to care.
Do you even know how much it hurts?
That you are no longer going to be there.
You won't be here when I make you a granddad,
Or when Jared finds him a wife.
You won't be there to grow old with mom,
And look back onto your life.
Instead you chose someone else to share it with,
You wanted to start out new.
How can you do that when we cared so much,
Do you even know that we do?
It's hard to imagine my life without you,
Because I always looked up to you so.
And you don't even love me like you said that you did,
Because if you did you wouldn't want to go.
You've let this illness completely overtake you,
And left what you knew all behind.
But where will this get you, do you even know?
Keep that with you inside your mind.
One day you will need us to help you,
But when you decide that it's time.
I am sure that by then it will be too late,
For you to change your mind.
I wrote this poem about my father. About 4 years ago, he was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and has really done some very bad things. We have tried so much to get him help and for a while we thought it was working but yesterday he decided that he no longer wanted to do anything and that it was best if he left. He just left 26 years of marriage and 25 years of having children behind. I don't know how to get comfort or release other than through poetry and this blog. I used to write poetry many years ago but hadn't in such a long time because I just didn't have any inspiration to do so but as I was laying here unable to sleep thoughts just came pouring into my mind. I can't pretend I am not upset because my heart is breaking. I love my dad but the person who he's become is NOT my dad. He's not the person I grew up knowing. The one who would play "Name that Tune" when a song would come onto the radio. The one who would tuck me into bed all those nights and call me Tweety(his word for sweety) The dad who taught me to ride my bike and put bandages on my skinned knees when I fell off. The dad who watched me onto the school bus the first day I went and proudly watched me graduate high school. He's no longer the dad who in my "band geek" days was the proud "Band Dad" and quickly became Band President. The dad who taught me to drive for the first time and gladly gave me the keys when I wanted to drive. The one who gave me lunch money everyday and I would hug and kiss when I left for school. The dad who walked me down the isle and sang to me at my wedding. I can't even believe that an illness such as this can be so powerful that it would make him leave everything behind. I am just so hurt. There is just so much going on that I don't know where to begin. I want my Mom to know that she's very dear to me and so is Jared. We're going to be alright I promise, it's just going to take a lot to get over everything that has happened. For those who knew about most of this, I thank you for being there for us. I really don't know what else to say.
Tabitha & Ryan; Married on Saturday, April 17, 2004 -TTC #1 for 7.5 years. Missing our Angels...
Dx with PCOS at age 14.
Miscarriage in June 2006
2 cycles of Clomid 50mg
1 cycle of Clomid 100mg resulting in miscarriage
Dx with Adenomyosis on 1/28/10
Clomid 150mg 4/30(day 3) - 5/4(day 5) Ultrasound on May 10th.
5/10 - Ultrasound showed 2 perfect follies! (15mm&17mm) Ovulation predicted within 6 days! Progesterone check ordered for 5/20.
5/27 - New round of Clomid started, no ultrasound this cycle, 2 more cycles planned on our own. If no bfp, onto next step!
6/27 - Round 3 Clomid 150mg started.
7/25 - AF Showed, starting final round of Clomid 150mg on CD3
8/21- AF Showed, In the process of finding a new RE
*Waiting to see our new RE
I really hope your dad takes that poem to heart... it came right from yours.
<div align="center">Rachel and Dan married since July 4, 2000
DD Sarah Abbey born 9-8-04 (@ 34.3 wks, 5 lbs 1 oz. pre-eclampsia)</div><div align="center">DS Corbin Carroll born 6-29-06 (@ 35.3 wks, 6 lbs 3 oz. pre-eclampsia. emergency c-section)</div><div align="center"><span style="font-family:Franklin Gothic Medium">See MySpace</span></div>
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