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I'm going to make a really long story short. My husband and I have been having problems...well forever. We'd been going to Christian counseling, but he stopped going b/c the counselor was basically telling him, he was the one who needed to change. I've tried and tried... but you can't make someone treat you right. Last night things crossed the line. I was trying to talk to him about things... he ignored me... finally he said something like (talking about our 6month old baby boy,) "Do you think I wanted him! NO!" I lost it, I slapped him across the face. (i know that was wrong, but that's my precious baby...u can't say that to a mother, like her baby isn't wanted.) The next thing i knew, hew was on top of me with one hand on my throat, and shaking me with the other. I told him i couldn't breath at least 3 times. He still wouldn't stop. I had to actually claw his face to get him to quit choking me. He still didn't get off... i finally had to scream for my little girl to come in the room, b/c i knew if he saw her he's stop.
I don't know how this happened, it's never been like this. I left last night and when I came back today i told him he needed to leave so i can do some thinking and figure out what I need to do.
I know divorce is wrong, i never thought it would even be an option in my life. I'm a SAHM, he's a doctor, if i were to leave, i'd have nothing...
I just want to do what is right, and what is right for my children. PLEASE tell me what i should do. I'm just in shock... i never thought i'd be the woman with bruises.
Well, it sounds like both of you are under some stress. I would suggest a different counselor or a professional counselor. I read a book called Clams and Crowbars that really helped me to understand how men think. I know he said something that infuriated you, but you hit him and that probably didn't help the situation. Is he normally abusive? Was this just a first time reaction. If he won't go to counseling with you, you still can go yourself, to get some ideas on how to stay calmer. Some of us have different "flashpoints" or places that just set us off. One suggestion is to not put your hands on him, that is just as much a crime as him putting his hands on you. I'm not judging and early in my marriage I was like that. I'm praying for you and please let us know how you are doing.
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<div align="center"><span style="font-family:Verdana">“The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.” </div></span>
Well from a girl who's sister was abused for many years, it scares me to death to hear about your situation, and I'm so sorry that you went through that. You must have been terrified to see the man you love hurting you like that.
While it was not a wise choice to slap your husband, and i'm sure you know that... there is no excuse for the actions he also chose. It sounds like there are a lot of deep issues to work out that both parties need to agree to fix. Find someone who you can both agree on seeing- and in the mean time, it might be a good idea to spend some time apart, so that nothing like that happens again. When you are both finally ready to talk through your problems without your tempers getting the best of you, the real healing can begin.
I pray that God will heal your marraige, and lead you both closer to him. Once again- I'm so sorry. Please keep yourself safe sweetie.
Oh hun, I'm SO sorry.. I'll be keeping you, your children, and this whole situation in my prayers. I'll be praying that the Lord opens your husbands eyes to Him whether you're with him or not. ((HUGS))
I am so sorry that you are going through this, no woman should ever have to go through that. My husband and I had problems like that too but it never got voilence. I know you don't want to think about a divorce just like me. I don't want to put my kids through that and I truly want my husband to change too. Alot of women that had gone through the same thing told me to just be patient and pray to God. For alot of them it took almost 10 years to get their marriage right and now I can see how happy they are and what God has done for them. It truly amazes me and makes me want to have what they have. Put God first no matter what, always pray, and soon I'm sure God will answer your prayers. I'm still waiting for my prayer to be answered. I know that he will answer my prayers it's just all about the right time. I want our marriage to work because I love him and also for the sake of our children. I will keep you in my T&P definitely! Update us on how things goes, if you choose to of course!
It breaks my heart to hear of things like this. I think both of you might want some anger counseling. Figuring out how to handle your emotions when you are getting heated is so important. My husband and I never got violent, but he threw something at me once. He wasn't aiming at me, and it missed me, but it made me realize how we both could snap if the right buttons were pushed. We now have a code word. If we feel like we're just getting too angry, we say the word and we both stop. We'll separate for a little while and breathe. We do always make sure that we come back and talk about it though.
If he refuses to see that counselor, would he see another one? If he refuses, it seems like he doesn't really care about your marriage and in that case I'm not sure you can work with him. Don't stay in an abusive relationship because you are afraid you wouldn't be able to survive. Too many women have done that and it's not good for anyone.
Also, I wouldn't stay "for the kids." Kids are so perceptive. They know when mom and dad are not happy. They know when things aren't right. It affects them forever.
I believe that when we get married and say, "What God has put together, let no man put asunder." I don't think God ordains abuse, ever.
I know that as a Christian, we feel "bound" to our husband forever . . . as God ordained. A few years ago, my dh and I were having some physical abuse issues . . . I went (alone) to counsel with our Pastor. The first and foremost thing he advised me of is that God does NOT want us to sacrifice ourselves, or our children, to an abusive spouse. I agree that if your dh won't go to counseling, then you should go for yourself. Strive to get closer to God . . . do a lot of praying . . . and rely on your Christian sisters. Don't let "worldly" advice of "divorce him as quick as you can" take over for what God has intended. If you are active in a local church and feel comfortable doing so, I would confide in a christian sister . . . you need some emotional support. I had to call a "sister" several times while Ashley and Robbie were still in infant car seats to come and pick me up because I was like you . . . no job or money of my own. I didn't even have my own car!!
Remember to draw close to God and he will get you through this . . . no matter what the outcome is . . .
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<span style="font-family:Comic Sans MS"><div align="center">Thanks Jolene for my beautiful siggie!!</div></span>
Wow, I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. I can't advise you one way or the other because I feel like I don't know enough about your relationship and situation to be able to do so responsibly at all....and something so huge is only a decision you can make, and it will probably take lots of thought, time and prayer to really have a good idea one way or the other, IMO. It's hard, becuase I know you don't want to give up on your marriage too quickly, but at the same time, you don't want to stick around and potentially put yourself (and your DD) in serious danger.
I will just say that the other ladies on here have given you good advice so far...seeing someone, a pastor, a counselor or even just a Christian friend who can understand your perspectives to a degree, would be a good idea whether your dh is willing to do the same (with you or on his own) or not....just for your own sanity, so you don't feel so isolated and alone. Don't stick around with your dh purely for financial reasons...if you stick around, do it for more secure reasons than that!! If you feel seriously in danger and hopeless and trapped and like you have to leave for your own protection, there are people who can help you! Reach out and try to find them, if you need to. (Resources for abused women, shelters, church family, family, friends, neighbours, etc.) Choking is seriously scary, especially considering that he didn't catch himself and stop IMMEDIATELY but it took some serious fighting back from you to get him to snap out of it. He obviously has an anger issue that he needs to come to grips with and get a handle on APART from your actions; whether you provoke him or not, he should be able to trust himself to handle himself appropriately, as a loving husband should, and not put the blame for his reactions on you.
On the other hand, it sounds like you guys are having some serious issues that need hashing out between the two of you. Slapping him across the face is no more acceptable (in principle!) than it would be had he done the same to you (of course for practical purposes, he could have done more harm). I have learned, over the years, with experience and personal spiritual revelation, how to control my own temper and tongue (not easy, i can be a bit of a fireball myself) in order to HELP my dh do the same, in order to prevent us from doing/saying things we will regret later. Not because he isn't accountable to himself, but because as someone who loves him and wants him to be the best man he can be, I want to HELP him do that, and not tempt or provoke him in his weaknesses, just as I wouldn't want him pushing my buttons until I feel I'm going to snap or explode. We used to be experts at that! I have learned what they (his weaknesses/buttons) are, and learned how to avoid them without sacrificing communication and problem-resolution...the things I always feared would get neglected if I would shut my mouth and back off for a bit. Make sense? Two books that really kind of opened my eyes to a few truths about husbands, wives, God's intentions for marriage, and how to deal with certain challenges that can come along were Love and Respect (for the husband and the wife) and Sacred Influence (for the wife).
Also, I have gained the ability (and maybe you already have this ability, I don't know because you didn't get into a lot of detail) to view my actions completely separate from his. As in, I play my role as a godly wife not necessarily because dh always deserves it or earns my respect, but because i want to live a life that is pleasing to the Lord, and part of that entails how I unconditionally treat my dh. Pleasing my dh ends up being a natural side-effect of that focus. It allows me to sometimes let things slide from him that I want to react harshly to in the moment, and the situation then ends up getting resolved PEACEFULLY later, when we're both feeling calmer and more sensible, instead of in a teribble confrontation in the moment, as what happened when your dh said those hurtful things and you reacted in anger.
All that said, all you can control is yourself. You can't MAKE your husband start fulfilling his role as a godly husband. So focus on your relationship with Christ. Don't allow hardships to pull your eyes off of Jesus... try to let His love and peace fill your spirit even when other circumstances feel so all-consuming. It seems beside the point in a situation like this, but i have learned from experience that when I am keeping my focus where it should be, (on Christ), my end of the marriage, my actions and attitude towards dh, follow suit and I start naturally behaving the way I want to, in a way that complements my role as dh's wife. In my experience, that has inspired changes in dh. But you know what, even if he DOESN'T come around, worst-case scenario, and the marriage CAN'T be saved, you will come through it with a strong relationship with Christ. I hope and pray your dh will soon do the same...learn about himself, his problems, his triggers, and work to solve them, and that the two of you will be able to come back together and experience renewal in your marriage. The Lord CAN heal the most broken relationships. All I can say, really, is focus on your relationship with Christ, pray, seek out someone you trust who can help you and you can lean on, and pray, pray, pray for dh!!! But don't stay in a situation where you truly feel in danger, and only you can judge that. I do not believe for one second that God expects you to sacrifice your safety, your DD's safety, your LIFE even, for your marriage. I believe there is hope, but time wil tell. Be safe, cling to God, and keep us posted!
Everything chloe82 said was amazing. I debated over whether or not to give advice, but really I don't think I have any good advice to give on this topic. chloe82 said everything way better than I ever could have!
Something you might want is Bible verses about divorce since you seem to be concerned about that.
I'm doing better... the sobbing has all but stopped. I'm spending a few days in the house alone, just to hopefully figure things out a little better. I think I can just think more clearly when he's not here making stupid comments. He was supposed to come take the babies out and spend the day with them... he didn't show up until 5pm, aparently going to a ball game was better. When he finally came there were no nice words from him. He just kept telling me I was making it up... he's one of those people who can convince themself of anything. He told my i was lying and that soon he was going to tell people what really happened. I would NEVER make something like this up.
Besides that he just said we need to have a mediator and that he would have the kids on thurs, fri, and sat. Those comments made me think he didn't really care. He said he didn't know if he wanted to be with me anyway.
I just don't know what to do. I think the right thing to do would probably be to stay around even tho i know things won't change. He thinks he does no wrong. You can't make someone want to change when they think think they're perfect.
Bottom line, when we got married, i was 19, pregnant, and scared to death... i knew i shouldn't marry him, i just thought it was the right thing to do. So if you get married, (as a Christian i mean) and even if it's wrong are you still supposed to stay around? He was married once b4 and his ex divorced him b/c he was having an affair... and since i married him, the Bible says that's the same as me commiting adultery.... so if it was never right in God's eyes... is it still the right thing to do to stay with him for the rest of my life... knowing I'll probably be miserable?
I'm doing better... the sobbing has all but stopped. I'm spending a few days in the house alone, just to hopefully figure things out a little better. I think I can just think more clearly when he's not here making stupid comments. He was supposed to come take the babies out and spend the day with them... he didn't show up until 5pm, aparently going to a ball game was better. When he finally came there were no nice words from him. He just kept telling me I was making it up... he's one of those people who can convince themself of anything. He told my i was lying and that soon he was going to tell people what really happened. I would NEVER make something like this up.
Besides that he just said we need to have a mediator and that he would have the kids on thurs, fri, and sat. Those comments made me think he didn't really care. He said he didn't know if he wanted to be with me anyway.
I just don't know what to do. I think the right thing to do would probably be to stay around even tho i know things won't change. He thinks he does no wrong. You can't make someone want to change when they think think they're perfect.
Bottom line, when we got married, i was 19, pregnant, and scared to death... i knew i shouldn't marry him, i just thought it was the right thing to do. So if you get married, (as a Christian i mean) and even if it's wrong are you still supposed to stay around? He was married once b4 and his ex divorced him b/c he was having an affair... and since i married him, the Bible says that's the same as me commiting adultery.... so if it was never right in God's eyes... is it still the right thing to do to stay with him for the rest of my life... knowing I'll probably be miserable?[/b]
Is he a Christian? Just curious....
The fact that he is in complete denial about what is going on really worries me...I guess, then, he sees no need to get help for his issues?? He's not even APOLOGETIC, at the very least??
I just had a friend go through something similar...her dh became verbally and physically abusive...she left for a short period of time, but then decided to try and tough it out and work through things with him...however, he did nothing but downplay what was going on, place blame on her for his actions and deny, deny, deny. You can only work so much with that!! It's one thing if he's extremely sincerely sorry and wiling to do anything and everything to repair his part in the issues in your marriage...but I would really worry about the safety of an abused wife whose husband hasn't even come to grips with what he's done and what he needs to do to fix things.
I'm not saying flat-out you should leave, but I don't think you should go back isolated. Please, find someone you can trust who you can confide in and who will help you out if need be. Have someone know what's going on who can check up on you.... I just really worry about the likelihood of things continuing on as they are or worsening when he doesn't even acknowledge reality and his role in the problem. He is treating you horribly, that is for sure. I don't want to get into the legalities of what marriage is right or wrong in God's eyes....I think God gives us guidelines in the Bible and you work with what you've got and what you've made, seek out His will by surrendering your life to Him and trust that He will guide you from there on out. Keep praying, find someone you can talk to, and hopefully what you should or shouldn't do will become more clear to you with a little time.
Oh, what a horrible situation to be put in! The other ladies pretty much have said what I was going to say, but please know that you have to do what is best for you and your family. Your children come first. If he's not apologetic now, who's to say that if you continue to pray for him, that he won't be later on? You never know what God will do in your life or in the lives of others. I will definitely be praying for the strengthening of your marriage and for your husband to realize what is REALLY going on. I'm very shocked that he doesn't acknowledge the damage that's been done here.
If you ever need to talk, you can come to us here. If you want access to the Hideaway for things more personal, just PM me or Shannon and we'll be happy to let you in. I understand there is a lot more to this story and I just pray for a solution that is in God's Will..
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Thank you Jaidynsmum for my beautiful sig!!!
I am a survivor of physical abuse as a child, and watched my mother get beat up all the time. While it hurts me to hear what you went through it hurts me even more to know what your children have seen now...This is not a guilt trip, but I want you to look at this situation through God's eyes...Yes God wants us to honor our vows, and yes every situation can be delivered. BUT the deliverance has to be something that is wanted by the person who needs to be delivered.....this issue does not sound like it was just a oopsie moment, it sounds like it has been a long time coming. I am assuming there has been a lot of emotional and verbal abuse in the home, which is just as bad if not worse than physical. I am only assuming that because 9 times out of 10 those forms come before the physical.
I would recommend that you both separate, not necessarily divorce, but separate and seek what God would have for your relationship while mending it. You guys are in a situation that is volitale and dangerous. Had he not snapped out of that last night he could have very well killed you. And one of these times, he is going to turn on the children. He is going to be in a blind rage and not even know what he did until it is done. Been there done that....it did not start off that my father was looking for me to beat me, I just happened in when he was raging, generally when he was raging on my mom. I was in the way. You need to protect those babies and you need to protect yourself. If you guys separate you can work on yoruselves and your marriage. If you don't you are only trying to work on the marriage bc there is not a chance to discover yourself when you are caring for that other person...KWIM?
I can tell you that the scars of abuse not just on the women who endure it, but the kids who witness it, are lasting. They last for many many years, and actually allow Satan to get a stronghold in their lives. It took me years and years of counseling, years and years of prayer before I finally feel like I have have healed from what happened to me growing up. My mother who has been divorced for 12 years is still working through the healing process...she has not made it very far through this.
Ask yourself if you want your daughter to marry a man that will beat her, and be in a relationship that is dyfunctional. Do you want your granddaughters to go through the same thing? Do you want your son to grow up as an abuser???? These types of things can become generational curses and you have the power to stop it in its tracks. If you decide that is what you want than by all means stay...but because he is not willing to do anything at this point to change, and it sounds like he is done anyhow from reading your response, I am quite sure that this is going to happen again. Especially because he has absolutely no remorse about what happened...but anyhow, if you don't want the above things to happen, then I recommend deciding what is best for yourself and your kids. That is protecting them from all harm. If he is saying that it never happened, he not only does not feel remorse for hurting you, but he is not feeling remorse for hurting your daughter by doing something that she had to witness of that nature. I am not advocating divorce, but if it comes to that than so be it...I highly doubt that God wants you to die at the hands of your husband....KWIM?
First of all I want to thank all you girls for taking the time to share your advice but most of all for your prayer, (if anything will work that will.)
My brother in law (who is also a decan in our church) wanted to come over and have my husband come back to the house for a while so we could talk. He reminded me of all the things the Bible says about marriage, and (it's sad he needed to remind of this) that God CAN make our marriage work... as long as the both of us work on our personal relationship with Christ.
My husband was basically begging me to keep our family together... it's like he just realized everything all of a sudden. He told me over and over that he will "do anything" to keep our family together. He HAS said this before, but he said it tonight sobbing. I had all but made up my mind to leave this afternoon. As much as I don't know if I believe him, I know in my heart it's worth a shot.
I will never to be able to forget about what he did to me, it will always be in the back of my mind that he could snap and actually have the potential to hurt me... that scares me. BUT i guess if we both work on our anger we can figure out how to stop the situation before it gets to that point.
IF I make the final decision to take him back and try to work things out. I am going to have some MAJOR things that will have to change. He will have t start going to church with the children and I, the drinking will have to stop, he'll have to stop going on trips and leaving us alone.... things like that. But mostly we (he and I) will need to work on our relationship with the Lord so that He can help us with our marriage.
Most of all I want my babies to have a healthy home. I absolutely will NOT think twice of leaving him and filing for divorce that day if he puts his hands on me in anger again... This is his one shot... If he blows it, I will not hesitate to take my babies and leave.
Please let me know what you think about this... do you think this is the right thing to do?
I'm still going to have him stay away from the house for a couple more days so I can really do some soul searching (I say this b/c right now I don't want to be with him... i just know it's the right thing to do.)
First of all I want to thank all you girls for taking the time to share your advice but most of all for your prayer, (if anything will work that will.)
My brother in law (who is also a decan in our church) wanted to come over and have my husband come back to the house for a while so we could talk. He reminded me of all the things the Bible says about marriage, and (it's sad he needed to remind of this) that God CAN make our marriage work... as long as the both of us work on our personal relationship with Christ.
My husband was basically begging me to keep our family together... it's like he just realized everything all of a sudden. He told me over and over that he will "do anything" to keep our family together. He HAS said this before, but he said it tonight sobbing. I had all but made up my mind to leave this afternoon. As much as I don't know if I believe him, I know in my heart it's worth a shot.
I will never to be able to forget about what he did to me, it will always be in the back of my mind that he could snap and actually have the potential to hurt me... that scares me. BUT i guess if we both work on our anger we can figure out how to stop the situation before it gets to that point.
IF I make the final decision to take him back and try to work things out. I am going to have some MAJOR things that will have to change. He will have t start going to church with the children and I, the drinking will have to stop, he'll have to stop going on trips and leaving us alone.... things like that. But mostly we (he and I) will need to work on our relationship with the Lord so that He can help us with our marriage.
Most of all I want my babies to have a healthy home. I absolutely will NOT think twice of leaving him and filing for divorce that day if he puts his hands on me in anger again... This is his one shot... If he blows it, I will not hesitate to take my babies and leave.
Please let me know what you think about this... do you think this is the right thing to do?
I'm still going to have him stay away from the house for a couple more days so I can really do some soul searching (I say this b/c right now I don't want to be with him... i just know it's the right thing to do.)[/b]
Well, I think you've done everything you can do....and it sounds to me like your dh just MIGHT "get it." There's no way to know for sure, of course, except through time, but I'm really happy to hear that you have a third party involved who knows what's going on and is reaching out to help you guys. I think that's really important in your situation, to have help available...so that's great!
As for what I bolded...that truly is the key. I too have been in a rock-bottom situation in my marriage...and focusing in on my relationship with Christ INSTEAD of my relationship with dh is truly what started turning things around. When I did that, the Lord started changing things about me...which my dh noticed...and it inspired him to do some serious soul-searching of his own...and now his relationship with Christ is much different, which has caused changes in him....which all has added up to some huge positive changes in our marriage. I really, really hope the same will happen for you.
I think it's good that you've put some new guidelines on the table (no more drinking, for example) and that you haven't lost sight of the seriousness of what happened. I honestly think you're doing everything "right" at this point, and I really, really hope that your dh's display of emotion was true and from his heart, and that things will start turning around for you guys. No matter what happens with your dh and your marriage though, cling to Christ and He will get you through anything. Don't blame yourself if your dh ends up falling back into the same bad tendencies and you have to leave for the safety of you and your children.
Anyways hang in there, keep in touch! Stil praying for you.
I wish I knew what to say.... I don't. But I do think these ladies have offered some great advice. I know you know what needs to be done You said it yourself when you said that you need to focus on your relationship with Christ. That is the key to ANY marriage. In trouble or not... that should always be the main focus. It's hard to do (I'm still not there yet, either).
I'm so sorry to hear the situation with your DH has escalated to this Cassie! I have no advice, just know I have sweet Eli and Ava and you and DH in my prayers.
