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  #1  
June 4th, 2008, 08:02 PM
Melanie.'s Avatar Totalimmortal
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Ohio.
Posts: 11,976
Hello, I'm Melanie. I've recently posted on the Adoption board, as I am interested in adopting future children. I'm trying to look over everything I will need in the future to apply. I noticed that they want adoptive parents to do a picture book and an essay for the birth moms to look at and it made me start to think about the birth moms. You don't have to answer any of these questions, if you don't want to. I'm just curious, in case we do want an infant, how to react to the birth mom and how to deal with her feelings while dealing with our own. Of course, if you've given up multiple children, you can fill it out twice. Thank you so much and sorry if anything is too harsh. I definitely don't want to step on any toes or hurt any feelings. I just want to take into consideration what her life might be like, how she might be feeling, and definitely the etiquette of what to expect. Like, if we could go to the ultrasounds and be there when she delivers, etc.

How hard was it for you to make this decision?
Had you considered keeping the child and raising it?
Had you considered abortion?
Did you feel connected to the baby and feel like it was "yours"?
Did your Intended Parents help you through your pregnancy?
Is it easier for you to have an open/closed adoption?
Do you see the child often?
Did they visit you often?
Did they pay for your medical expenses?
Do you know the Intended Parents?
Was it hard for you to give birth knowing that you couldn't keep it?
Did you give away the baby to an infertile couple?
Did you consider couples who already had children?
Do you receive photos/postcards/letters?
Are you happy with your decision?
Was it hard to say goodbye?
Did you visit the baby in the nursery?
Did you get to name the baby?

Anything that you would suggest to an Intended Parent?
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  #2  
June 5th, 2008, 06:31 AM
TeresaMarie's Avatar Super Mommy
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Location: North Carolina- Oregon native
Posts: 505
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How hard was it for you to make this decision? I felt like my insides had been ripped out and there was a giant hole remaining that nothing could fill.
Had you considered keeping the child and raising it?Yes. But the woman I lived with said she would kick me out and I would not have a place to live.
Had you considered abortion?Yes. But, at the appointment I told the tech, "If it's twisn I can't do it." And sure enough twins. I don't know why I said that.
Did you feel connected to the baby and feel like it was "yours"?At first no because I had it in my mind that I was just keeping the babies safe for their mom until she could care for them.
Did your Intended Parents help you through your pregnancy? Yes again. The adoptive mother was wonderful and she went to all of my doctor's aapointments. I think she tried to make me feel as comfortable as possible.
Is it easier for you to have an open/closed adoption? I would prefer open adoptions. In the long run they are going to be most healing and healthy for all involved- including the children.
Do you see the child often? no
Did they visit you often?this was a closed adoption. Though I did receive two pictures of them. Once at age 3 and again at age 4. I do know where they live and know they each have a myspace page.
Did they pay for your medical expenses?no.
Do you know the Intended Parents?[yes.[/b]
Was it hard for you to give birth knowing that you couldn't keep it?heartbreaking
Did you give away the baby to an infertile couple?the coupld had been trying for over 10 years to conceive/adopt without any luck.
Did you consider couples who already had children?yes
Do you receive photos/postcards/letters?no
Are you happy with your decision?no
Was it hard to say goodbye?yes. Even after 15 years
Did you visit the baby in the nursery?yes. the twins were brought to me and roomed in for two days until I was discharged. Their faces will be forever etched into my memory.
Did you get to name the baby?no, but I know their names
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Teresa,
Mom to Kailey Danielle born into our hearts February 20, 2001 and wife to Mark, sealed with love on September 24, 2000.
Fur-mom to Lucy, Blue, and Shelby
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  #3  
June 5th, 2008, 11:15 AM
melissa.'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 6,144
I just want to add that I am so happy you are considering adoption. Adoption is a beautiful choice no matter what direction you view it in.
In reference to Teresa's post, some of the ladies have had bad experiences. I don't want this to scare you off. There is a sad/bad side to almost everything and I am sure you understand that.

On a side note, if you would like any additional info, I would be happy to provide that for you. I am VERY open with my feeling about adoption. PM me at any time, if you'd like.

We have an extremely open adoption... (I say "we" because I am married to her birth father and we share this experience together)


How hard was it for you to make this decision? It was hard in the beginning. Once we had chosen her parents and established a relationship with them, we were excited for THEM and were able to grieve, yet rejoice for them as well. It was one of the hardest decisions we have ever made, but one of the most rewarding too.

Had you considered keeping the child and raising it? The first few days, before I educated myself on my options, my immediate reaction was to keep her. Once I realized that was not an option for me (no job, no money etc.) We were happy to provide her with the best possible life that we could.

Had you considered abortion? No. We are 100% against it, and always have been.

Did you feel connected to the baby and feel like it was "yours"? In a sense, yes. We also knew that we were not her "parents". We were her Birth Parents. We share a special bond, but we don't take on the responsibilities of a parent.

Did your Intended Parents help you through your pregnancy? I lived in a dorm especially for pregnant women who were placing their children for adoption (The Gladney Center). We spoke on the telephone every night during and after my pregnancy. We have two children now, so obviously we are unable to speak as often. As for financially, etc. They did not have to. The agency was entirely run on donations and provided medical, food, counseling etc.

Is it easier for you to have an open/closed adoption?
I am so glad you ask this question. It is different for every birth parent, obviously. I can only speak for myself and the other birth parents I have mentored. Open adoption is 10,000x easier for us. Even if it is just pictures, letters and semi-contact, it is such a peace of mind to know that our child is happy, safe and alive. Every smile we see, even the little things, make us so much more at ease. And I can't even express the feeling of hearing my daughter's voice on her first day of kindergarten to tell me all about it etc. It is a feeling that simply cannot be expressed to any other person except for a birth parent.

Do you see the child often?
Yes, we used to make yearly visits and they would visit us yearly. Now, we are in the military and we are much closer to them and see them every few months. They are actually headed here in July for my sonogram. All of my girls are 100% bio sisters.. so, this baby is exciting for them too!

Did they visit you often?
Sorry, I answered it above. We visit quite often.

Did they pay for your medical expenses? Did not have to. The agency covered it.

Do you know the Intended Parents? I do now! I didn't before. I chose them out of a parent "profile".

Was it hard for you to give birth knowing that you couldn't keep it? Absolutely. It was, by far, the hardest birth to go through. Not physically, but emotionally. The moment I saw her, I just thought, "she deserves the BEST. I cannot give her that". I will never forget my husband (bf at the time) crying and my mom crying and saying, "Hey there little angel". Because that is what she was. She got me away from drugs, sex, partying etc. She changed my life completely just by entering this world... she is and will always be my angel.

Did you give away the baby to an infertile couple?
Not, infertile... just unable to carry a baby. She had many losses...

Did you consider couples who already had children?
Absolutely! In fact, that is what made my decision on them. In their profile, I could see that their son (adopted as well) was their WORLD! I loved that...

Do you receive photos/postcards/letters? Yes

Are you happy with your decision? Absolutely! 100%

Was it hard to say goodbye?
I cannot even express the pain that ran through our hearts. It is something that words cannot express... it was THE hardest day of my life, by far.... it did not take away the excitement I had for the parents though. I was so happy for them.. just sad that we could not do it ourselves.

Did you visit the baby in the nursery?
I roomed with her in the hospital. She went straight from the hospital to the agency where I signed my papers and then straight to her parents. I wanted them to have her asap.

Did you get to name the baby?
We chose the name together. She is named after me... it is a name that runs in my family and I had always wanted to carry on. They respected that and did just that. It meant SOO much to us.


Anything that you would suggest to an Intended Parent? Be yourself, be honest and remember that no matter how much pain they show, it is not intended to show any kind of anger/remorse toward you (I'm sure you understand that). Also, be sensitive to their feelings. Just a quick FYI... something I have learned over time of mentoring birth parents, don't use the phrase "gave away" or "give up". That makes the birth parents feel inadequate or mean (make sense). The better phrase would be "placed your child". Because, for us, we placed our child into a family that could provide the very best for them. Don't take that the wrong way, it is something that is learned with time. (I'm just saving you some time )

Again, hope this helps you and don't hesitate to PM with any further questions.
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  #4  
June 5th, 2008, 11:29 PM
Melanie.'s Avatar Totalimmortal
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Ohio.
Posts: 11,976
That definitely makes sense. I couldn't find any other way to say it at the time. Now that you mention it, it does kind of seem like I meant that they "abandoned" the child, instead of giving it a better life. Thank you so much!
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  #5  
June 6th, 2008, 08:37 PM
BoobyDutyAgainJen's Avatar Proud Mom & Birth Mom
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Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 28,941
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How hard was it for you to make this decision? My decision wasn't very hard at all. There really was no other option as I saw it. I was too young and it was a rape.
Had you considered keeping the child and raising it? I knew I couldn't...it would have been too hard.
Had you considered abortion? Yes, for a period of time. I decided adoption was better because while with abortion and adoption I would grieve, with adoption someone would be able to rejoice
Did you feel connected to the baby and feel like it was "yours"? Oh yes I felt connected! The second I saw her the spark ignited. However, she really never has been "mine"-since my daughter Leila was born I feel even more the lapse in that.
Did your Intended Parents help you through your pregnancy? No, I picked her mom after she was born.
Is it easier for you to have an open/closed adoption? I would never have it any other way than for it to be an open adoption. I don't think I could survive knowing she was out there and not being able to see her.
Do you see the child often? I see her at least once a year and get cards and pictures fairly often.
Did they visit you often? No.
Did they pay for your medical expenses? No, I had a medical card.
Do you know the Intended Parents? No but I do now.
Was it hard for you to give birth knowing that you couldn't keep it? No, not really. I just trudged through. I was kind of resigned.
Did you give away the baby to an infertile couple? Yes. Her mom had had an IUD that went wrong.
Did you consider couples who already had children? Not really. In fact the final choice was between a family with 2 biological boys and it just felt wrong (to me) giving a child to someone that already had children. It was just the way I felt. I do understand that sometimes families aren't able to conceive a second or third time and adoption is their only choice. However, I wanted her to go to someone sort of desperate to be a mommy.
Do you receive photos/postcards/letters? Yes fairly often.
Are you happy with your decision? Yes. Her Mom has given her everything I could not have.
Was it hard to say goodbye? Yes...without a doubt it is the hardest thing I do each time I leave from a visit. I don't want to let her go.
Did you visit the baby in the nursery? Yes and she was with me in the room a lot. I gave her her first bottle.
Did you get to name the baby? I could have but I felt her mom deserved sole rights to naming her.
Anything that you would suggest to an Intended Parent? Be sensitive but don't be patronizing. Give her space. Don' force or intrude in any way but yet let her know how much her baby will be loved. Be yourself and answer any questions truthfully. Take each day one at a time. Adoption really is an amazing process and can be truly wonderful. Communication is the key to it being successful.

Good luck and I hope all this helps. I would be willing to help in any way so feel free to PM me if you have any more questions or anything
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  #6  
June 11th, 2008, 05:30 AM
TeresaMarie's Avatar Super Mommy
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Although my experience is still painful for me, I don't discount the fact that my natural children are loved and well taken care of. The couple who adopted them are their parents and love them unconditioally, I am quite sure.

But don't discount my experience because it's a "bad" one. Instead, remember that an adoption where the natural mother is as involved as possible is the best kind of adoption.

I'm not sure how long ago the natural mothers here have placed their children, but it has been nearly 2 decades since my adoptions and your feeling DO grow more intense as time passes. This isn't an anomalie but a fact of adoption based on the hundreds if not thousands of accounts of natural mothers.

We shouldn't discount the emotions of adopted children either. Just look at the number of adopted adults who actively seek their natural parents after the death of their adoptive parents (because they feared hurting the feelings of their adoptive parents while they were still alive).

Adoption may be a beautiful thing, but it is intense and should be approached carefully.
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Mom to Kailey Danielle born into our hearts February 20, 2001 and wife to Mark, sealed with love on September 24, 2000.
Fur-mom to Lucy, Blue, and Shelby
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  #7  
June 11th, 2008, 07:29 AM
BoobyDutyAgainJen's Avatar Proud Mom & Birth Mom
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Quote:
Although my experience is still painful for me, I don't discount the fact that my natural children are loved and well taken care of. The couple who adopted them are their parents and love them unconditioally, I am quite sure.

But don't discount my experience because it's a "bad" one. Instead, remember that an adoption where the natural mother is as involved as possible is the best kind of adoption.

I'm not sure how long ago the natural mothers here have placed their children, but it has been nearly 2 decades since my adoptions and your feeling DO grow more intense as time passes. This isn't an anomalie but a fact of adoption based on the hundreds if not thousands of accounts of natural mothers.

We shouldn't discount the emotions of adopted children either. Just look at the number of adopted adults who actively seek their natural parents after the death of their adoptive parents (because they feared hurting the feelings of their adoptive parents while they were still alive).

Adoption may be a beautiful thing, but it is intense and should be approached carefully.[/b]
It definitely should be approached carefully. Adoption affects more than just the birth mother. It has far reaching impacts. Even my younger sisters and brother have been really affected by my placing my birth daughter up for adoption. However even they will tell you that it was the best thing for me, my birth daughter, and really everyone involved.

While that hole will never be filled I hope you can at least come to peace with your birth children's adoptions. If you need to talk please PM me...
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  #8  
June 11th, 2008, 08:13 AM
melissa.'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Posts: 6,144
Quote:
Although my experience is still painful for me, I don't discount the fact that my natural children are loved and well taken care of. The couple who adopted them are their parents and love them unconditioally, I am quite sure.

But don't discount my experience because it's a "bad" one. Instead, remember that an adoption where the natural mother is as involved as possible is the best kind of adoption.

I'm not sure how long ago the natural mothers here have placed their children, but it has been nearly 2 decades since my adoptions and your feeling DO grow more intense as time passes. This isn't an anomalie but a fact of adoption based on the hundreds if not thousands of accounts of natural mothers.

We shouldn't discount the emotions of adopted children either. Just look at the number of adopted adults who actively seek their natural parents after the death of their adoptive parents (because they feared hurting the feelings of their adoptive parents while they were still alive).

Adoption may be a beautiful thing, but it is intense and should be approached carefully.[/b]
I didn't in any way mean to downplay your experiences.. I just know how it feels for a person on the other side of the spectrum to hear that stuff. I am very close to my daughter's mother and she has shared some sad/bad experiences with me that literally tore her heart out. I just want to be sure that she understands that those feelings are not directed at anyone in particular and are not intended to shy her away from choosing to adopt.

I am sorry if I came across the wrong way.
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  #9  
June 14th, 2008, 08:03 PM
tsxylilmomma's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Sumner, Washington
Posts: 9,928
How hard was it for you to make this decision? It was hard but the right thing to do.

Had you considered keeping the child and raising it? Yes

Had you considered abortion? NO

Did you feel connected to the baby and feel like it was "yours"? I felt connected but not like she was "mine"

Did your Intended Parents help you through your pregnancy? No, we lived in diffrent states

Is it easier for you to have an open/closed adoption? Open

Do you see the child often? No, I have not seen her since she was 4 days old

Did they visit you often? Nope

Did they pay for your medical expenses? No, I had medical, they would of if I didn't

Do you know the Intended Parents? I do now but didn't really before I placed her

Was it hard for you to give birth knowing that you couldn't keep it? Yes, and no

Did you give away the baby to an infertile couple? Yes (at least I thought I did)

Did you consider couples who already had children? No, I really wanted her to go to a couple who couldn't have kids

Do you receive photos/postcards/letters? Yes

Are you happy with your decision? Yes (right at this time no)

Was it hard to say goodbye? Besides my mom passing away it was the hardest thing I had ever done but I knew that what I was doing giving her a mommy and daddy that could care for her the way I couldn't was the best thing to do

Did you visit the baby in the nursery? She stayed in my room with me until we where discharged and I even walked out of the hospital with her. Her mother even stayed in the room with us and was in the OR with me when I had her.

Did you get to name the baby? We picked her first name out togeather and I gave her the middle name Jane after my mother who passed away

Anything that you would suggest to an Intended Parent? I DITTO! what Jen and Melissa both said whole heartly.

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  #10  
June 18th, 2008, 09:12 PM
TeresaMarie's Avatar Super Mommy
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Quote:
Quote:
Although my experience is still painful for me, I don't discount the fact that my natural children are loved and well taken care of. The couple who adopted them are their parents and love them unconditioally, I am quite sure.

But don't discount my experience because it's a "bad" one. Instead, remember that an adoption where the natural mother is as involved as possible is the best kind of adoption.

I'm not sure how long ago the natural mothers here have placed their children, but it has been nearly 2 decades since my adoptions and your feeling DO grow more intense as time passes. This isn't an anomalie but a fact of adoption based on the hundreds if not thousands of accounts of natural mothers.

We shouldn't discount the emotions of adopted children either. Just look at the number of adopted adults who actively seek their natural parents after the death of their adoptive parents (because they feared hurting the feelings of their adoptive parents while they were still alive).

Adoption may be a beautiful thing, but it is intense and should be approached carefully.[/b]
I didn't in any way mean to downplay your experiences.. I just know how it feels for a person on the other side of the spectrum to hear that stuff. I am very close to my daughter's mother and she has shared some sad/bad experiences with me that literally tore her heart out. I just want to be sure that she understands that those feelings are not directed at anyone in particular and are not intended to shy her away from choosing to adopt.

I am sorry if I came across the wrong way.
[/b]
I've taken a bit of time before coming here to respond. I think the difference in my adoption is that it was closed and that I coerced into adoption by others who had more to gain from my children not being with me than from them being with me.

Though I am sure the twins have had a happy, privileged life, it doesn't mean it was what was best for them. I was not an incompetent person or harmful to myself or others. The only reason my parents thought I should not mother my children is because I did not fit the mold of a perfect person. My father and stepmother were abusive (verbally and emotionally) and I lived under a microscope until I left home and moved across the country.

I will always believe that the best place for children is with their natural mothers (even social services stats show this) UNLESS it is in the case of abuse or neglect.

I don't think people should not adopt, quite the contrary. BUT, along with the joys of new parenthood, they should always keep in mind that there will forever be a bond between natural mother and child that cannot be ignored or broken. It's called the birth TRIAD for a reason and that is because the relationship between adoptive parent, natural mother, and child is a constant.

I also see that the natural mothers here have only recently went through the process and are not privy to the long term affects of adoption as of yet.

Time changes everything.
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Mom to Kailey Danielle born into our hearts February 20, 2001 and wife to Mark, sealed with love on September 24, 2000.
Fur-mom to Lucy, Blue, and Shelby
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  #11  
June 20th, 2008, 08:48 AM
melissa.'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Well, it has been 7 years for me. I would say that I am experiencing some 'long term' effects. But, everyone's feelings are going to differ. Adoption is a very personalized and emotional experience. I don't think any one mother has the same feelings, regrets and joys. We are all different people who handle our emotions differently, and that is okay. We all share a bond and I believe that we can support each other no matter the length of our adoption.

Also, times have changed adoption. It has even changed dramatically since I went through the process. We were not "allowed" to have to contact that we do. It was our personal choice to do so. Now, there is an option to have that relationship, and it be "allowed". Like I said, each persons experience is different.

Beside the point, I think that Melanie understands the difference in feelings with every adoption. I see no need to repeat my point again.
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  #12  
June 20th, 2008, 09:20 AM
ShanMarie's Avatar Is it spring yet?
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Posts: 6,425
How hard was it for you to make this decision?Not at all hard. I knew I was doing the right thing for my child.
Had you considered keeping the child and raising it?All the way up until the day I called the adoption agency!
Had you considered abortion?Only for a breif second. Long enough for me to realize that I could not do that at all and live with myself if I went thru with it. I had actually told the father when he suggested it that if I could not do this on my own, I would place the child for adoption before I would get an abortion.
Did you feel connected to the baby and feel like it was "yours"?Yes and no. Yes because I carried her for 9 months, and no because once I found out I was pregnant, I knew I was pregnant for a reason. It was when I made the call to the agency that I knew the reason was so someone could have a child that they had been waiting for.
Did your Intended Parents help you through your pregnancy?No, in a way. The agency provided things that I needed according to state laws.
Is it easier for you to have an open/closed adoption?Open, but I was completely happy and satisfied with only getting pictures and letters because I knew I was doing the right thing. When they offered me more, I was floored. It has been the best thing ever.
Do you see the child often?Not so much anymore since we have moved across country, but I still see pics of her in emails.
Did they visit you often?I think I visited them more because it was easier that way. I stayed at their house and no one had to pay for a hotel.
Did they pay for your medical expenses?No, I had Medicaid.
Do you know the Intended Parents?I do, but only after I contacted the agency. They are wonderful people!!!
Was it hard for you to give birth knowing that you couldn't keep it?Absoultely not. I knew that I was giving birth to a little girl that was going to get so much out of life that I could not offer her. One of which was a daddy.
Did you give away the baby to an infertile couple?Yes, the mother went thru early menopause at 32.
Did you consider couples who already had children?Yes. I preferred that they already had children.
Do you receive photos/postcards/letters?Yes, and still do.
Are you happy with your decision?100000% yes!! It was the best decision for me and my child. I wasnt forced into it, but I did have some family that were a little bitter with it but now, its the best thing ever. IF I had a chance to go back and do it all over again, I would NOT change a thing!!!
Was it hard to say goodbye?Yes and no. Yes because I am saying goodbye to my child and no because I knew that she was going to be well taken care of and that it was not the last time I would see her.
Did you visit the baby in the nursery?She roomed in with me.
Did you get to name the baby?Yes. Once the adoption was final her name was officially changed.

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  #13  
June 28th, 2008, 05:52 PM
Live4Love's Avatar Super Mommy
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How hard was it for you to make this decision?
I won't say it was easy, but I knew it was the right decision for me.
Had you considered keeping the child and raising it?
Yes... Throughout the pregnancy there were moments when I would ask myself whether or not I was sure that it was best for the baby to not be with me. Part of me kind of hoped at one point that I could end up like the Gilmore Girls with the baby... but I knew that is a TV show and fictional. The best thing for the baby would be to be placed with parents who were well prepared and able to raise her the way she needed to be raised.
Had you considered abortion?
Yes and no... When everyone was telling me that I should abort the baby because the pregnancy was the result of a rape, I told them that I was considering it, but I knew in my heart that I could never go through with it. I am pro-choice, but personally I could never get an abortion.
Did you feel connected to the baby and feel like it was "yours"?
I felt connected to the baby... she lived inside of me for 9 months, how could I not?? BUT (this may sound strange) after I had chosen the adopting couple around 4 months preggo, it felt more like I was a serrogate mother. Almost as if they had put their own egg and sperm in me... so she never really felt like "mine" I hope that kind of makes sense.
Did your Intended Parents help you through your pregnancy?
Yes
Is it easier for you to have an open/closed adoption?
open, so that I am able to see that she is happy and doing well
Do you see the child often?
No, we don't live close
Did they visit you often?
No, not often
Did they pay for your medical expenses?
I had insurance
Was it hard for you to give birth knowing that you couldn't keep it?
Yes and no...
Did you give away the baby to an infertile couple?
Yes
Did you consider couples who already had children?
No, because this couple was unable, so I thought that they were the best option
Do you receive photos/postcards/letters?
Yes
Are you happy with your decision?
Yes, I am
Was it hard to say goodbye?
Definitely... I cried significantly
Did you visit the baby in the nursery?
The baby stayed in the room with me
Did you get to name the baby?
We named the baby together, so yes, I did have a say in the name.

Anything that you would suggest to an Intended Parent?
I would suggest that an Intended Parent give the biological parents the respect of not rushing them on the day that the child goes with them. I know that there must be the fear of the birth parents changing their mind, but I think that most of the time they just need to feel totally comfortable with their decision. I have heard stories of Intended Parents pretty much grabbing the baby and leaving without much consideration to the biological parents saying goodbye. I, luckily, did not experience that. But I do know that it happens.
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