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I remember swearing that I wouldn't cry until I was out of the adoptive parents sight. I wanted them to see all joy, and not have to see my sorrow. Yeah, that didn't happen.
We spent hours together and I decided that if I didn't go right then, I wasn't going to. So, I handed her to her new mommy and told my family and Dustin that it was 'time'. I kissed her on the forehead and told her that I loved her more than I could ever express. I gave them hugs and told them the same. I turned around.... and unleashed. I literally fell (more like collapsed) into my mother's arms and cried like a baby. I couldn't even stand I was crying so hard. I kept telling them "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't want to cry in front of y'all". They were so sweet and understanding.. I sat in the hall and bawled like a baby in Dustin's arms and my parents arms. I cried the entire way home and for weeks to come... I was like saying goodbye to half of my heart. Even though I knew it was best, it hurt worse than I would ever have imagined. It is certainly not something anyone can prepare themselves for....
It was at the hotel they were staying at in my hometown. I had such a hard time leaving. I was just crying and really anxious. I wasn't sure if I was overstaying my welcome as it was and so I didn't want to "burden" them any longer. I forced myself to just leave. I was with my mom and I just sort of walked ahead of her after saying my goodbyes and got in the car. I was balling my eyes out. I felt ripped in half. Like I knew it was the right thing to do but it hurt to imagine not seeing her everyday. I felt pressured and worried and devastated. My childhood was gone.
Mine is kind of weird. When I left the hospital I left with her and her adoptive parents and we went out to eat and then they took me to my sisters where my other girls where (Cody had to work). When they left my sister's house I was fine. I held her and gave her kisses and told her bye. I didn't cry until later that night by myself.
The next day we had to meet to finalize some papers and we decided to all got out to dinner. So we went to dinner and Lainey sat by me the whole time in her carseat. When it was time to leave it was just kisses for her and we went home. Later the night though Cody and I went to the Hotel they where staying at to say my final goodbye. We sat in there lobby area for a few hours just talking and me holding Lainey. When it was time to go I handed her to her Daddy and have her kisses and told her that I love her so much. I told her adoptive parents by and to have a safe trip home and to call me when they got there. I turned around and walked out the doors and then lost it. I fell into Cody's arms crying saying that I couldn't do it that I couldn't leave her. Cody said you don't have to and I said yes I do it is what is best for her and us. I then got in the car and cried all the way home.
That was really hard to think about and now I am sitting here crying like a baby. I miss my little girl so much.
I remember leaving my little guy. The adoptive parents were at the hospital throughout the whole birth and were right there with me. The two days I was an inpatient, I'd walk down to the nursery and hold him. I remember when we left my BF at the time was up there and we were all standing in the hall way looking through the nursery window. I was crying so hard. I knew it was the best thing for him, but I felt like a piece of me was missing. Then the nurse wheeled him out and we held him one last time and I gave him lots and lots of kisses....
My dad drove me home, and I cried for the first twenty minutes. After that I just felt really really numb. Like I left my heart back with my sweet little boy....