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Forum: Birth Moms

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  #1  
August 10th, 2010, 10:38 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 8,103
I really hope you don't mind me popping in here. My husband and I started the adoption process back in December. We are working with an agency, but also have been doing our own outreach to try and find a birth mom on our own. Well, about three weeks ago a very young (15) expectant mom emailed us and we have been talking ever since.

Things seemed to be going really well, and I completely am open to whatever decision she makes, I just want her to make a choice that she will be happy with. In her last email she was very confused, scared, worried, and having some major second thoughts. I totally understand that she is going through something SO HUGE right now, but I don't know what kind of advice I should be giving her. I don't want to push her towards adoption if that truly isn't what's best for her and the baby.

Basically, I was hoping for some insight into your side of things. You have all been there, I haven't, and while I think I can put myself in her shoes, I really have no idea what she is going through. I keep trying to tell her to find a counselor, someone that is on the outside of all of this to talk to, but she is really embarrassed and doesn't want to talk to anyone right now.

I want to be there for her and this baby, but how do I do that without her thinking I'm only in it for the baby. I'm not at all. While adoption is my ultimate goal... I just truly want to make sure her and this baby are safe and happy.

Sorry, this got kinda long. Thank you to anyone that made it this far. I really appreciate you taking the time to give me some advice, anything that will help me be able to better help her.
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  #2  
August 16th, 2010, 09:48 AM
Claysgirl's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 823
I've been out of town, sorry for the late response

When I was going through the process I changed my mind every other day. I was 16 at the time, and I think being young made it harder for me to make up my mind. At that age you still can't completely grasp the idea of parenthood, you see a baby, you see the cute outfits, and it makes you want to keep the child. Then reality sets in usually, and you are reminded that being a parent is so much more then that, and I would change my mind back to the adoption. In the end it came down to this: Adoption wasn't the right choice for me, but it WAS the right choice for my daugther, and she was all that mattered to me. So don't freak out too much, it's a rollercoaster of emotions. There is absolutetly no way she should be going through this without counseling. She needs to talk with an adoption counselor, you should try to do everything you can to get her to speak to someone. They offer such valuable advice. Where I live you can't chose adoption for your child without going through a certain amount of counseling, but I know every state has different adoption laws. I'm 7 years into this thing, and I still see my counselor on a pretty regular basis. I call her when I have good day, I call her when I have a bad day, she is my only true support system. This girl is young, so her parents must be involved correct? Maybe they can encourage her to meet with a counselor or maybe the 2 of you can go together?

Good luck, and please feel free to ask any questions you have, I'm happy to help
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Katie
Momma to Matthew 4-15-09
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  #3  
August 16th, 2010, 07:39 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 8,103
Thank you so much for you advice! I talked with her again last week and she finally said she would email the adoption counselor I had suggested. I haven't heard anything since. I hope that she is talking with someone and getting the help she needs. I was talking with DH and we both agreed that she will probably go back and forth throughout this entire process but we are willing to stick and out and see what happens.

At this point, I really don't know if contacting her would seem too pushy. Should I just leave things in her court for now, or will her knowing I'm still here for her help her make the decision? I just don't want to smother her but I also don't think we've give up either.

Thanks again for your insight... it's greatly appreciated!
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  #4  
August 17th, 2010, 10:32 AM
Claysgirl's Avatar Super Mommy
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Posts: 823
I'm glad she is talking to someone, I think thats really important.
I would give her a little time, maybe just a few more days, then just send her a quick note, even if its something as simple as "just thinking about you" just to remind her that you do care about her and the baby. Keep us posted please
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Katie
Momma to Matthew 4-15-09
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  #5  
August 17th, 2010, 08:46 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 8,103
It had been about a week so I did email her this morning before work. Basically sent something just like you had suggested. I will be sure to let you know if I hear anything more from her!
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  #6  
August 21st, 2010, 10:47 PM
BoobyDutyAgainJen's Avatar Proud Mom & Birth Mom
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 28,941
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Hi! I am just seeing this now but I think how you have approached it and what Katie has said is dead on. Honestly she will not have her mind fully made up until she has seen(or held, cuddled, fed the baby if that is where her comfort is) that baby and still managed to WANT to hand the baby over to you. I think all you can do is just make sure she knows that you care about her and understand to the best of your ability the roller coaster she is on. Let her know that her decision is her decision and that while it may hurt you she still has to do what she feels is best for her and that baby. NO ONE can decide that for her and she shouldn't feel obligated to do anything she doesn't feel compelled to do.

Please keep us posted...I'd love to hear more! Also feel free(if you feel comfortable) to steer her in this direction!
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  #7  
August 23rd, 2010, 04:20 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 8,103
I had thought about mentioning JM to her... but I really doubt she would post. She is SUPER shy and really embarrassed. It took two weeks to convince her to talk with a counselor. If I talk with her again, I'll be sure to mention that there are online resources for her too, maybe post a few links to forums.

Thanks so much for your support ladies! I'm not sure where this will go from here, but if/when I know more I'll be sure to update you. And I'm sure as the I travel this road I'll have more questions for you all, so you'll probably be seeing me again!
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  #8  
August 24th, 2010, 08:37 AM
Claysgirl's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 823
Maybe an online support group would actually be good for her, sometimes people who having a hard time talking with people can have an easier time opening up online.

www.lifemothers.com has some good resources
There is JM of course and I believe there is a Birth Mother's board at adoption.com

Welcome to BirthMom Buds! is also another good website
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Katie
Momma to Matthew 4-15-09
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  #9  
August 24th, 2010, 10:52 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 8,103
Thanks for those links, great resources to have now and for the future as well!
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