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When I got pregnant with Matthew I remember telling Clayton that this baby has to be a girl, I need my baby girl, I didn't give up my only shot at being Momma to a girl. When we found out our little bean was a boy I remember crying, I was so upset. That quickly wore off and I became excited, and now I (obviously) love having a little boy. But I still want that girl. People ask me how many kids we want and my response is always, "as many as it takes until I get a girl".
A few weeks ago I was teaching a Birth Mothers class as my adoption agency and one of the prospective adoptive Moms asked me if I thought God had given me a boy for a reason, maybe to help me move on with my life without trying to replace Rebecca with another child.
I had never thought about this before, but I have been thinking about it a lot lately. Now that I look back, I do think I had a boy for a reason beyond genetics. I think if this first post adoption baby was a girl there is a big chance I would be trying to replace Rebecca's memory with the new baby, by having a boy that was harder to do. I still want my girl because I like pink, and sparkles and little dresses way too much , but I don't think I want a girl for the same reason as I used to now.
It makes sense to me. I had 3 three children 2 girls and one boy that don't live with me. I hope they can live with me in the future, but I def want another child before I get too old. Not to replace them, but because it feels right.
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It definitely is how I felt while pregnant with Leila! However once she was here it was so totally different in every way shape and form! The pregnancies sort of meshed together and made one set of memories. But once she was born and I brought her home with me that was a new ballgame, if that makes sense. I didn't get to have those memories with Olivia...but I was having them with LEILA. KWIM?