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Forum: Birth Moms

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  #1  
December 25th, 2010, 08:05 PM
tawny63's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Pullman, WA
Posts: 731
I didn't realize this board was not entirely private, but I saw Kari has posted here. I wondered if as a birth parent you have gone to counseling? We adopted in 2007 and really encouraged our BM to go talk to someone...she refused. She seemed to pull away and refuse us. I felt awful. I so wanted to listen and hug her. She literally saved my life with choosing us...I was so depressed. She seems to be doing well now, but I doubt she'd show us her pain. C is 3 yrs, 4 months now. So, I guess my questions are....


1. Did you have counseling? If not, why? If so, did it feel helpful?

2. Were your family/friends supportive of your decision?

3. When did you start to feel better about your choice?

I really appreciate any feedback you are willing to give me. I adore our BM and don't think she has the support she needs. Would it be okay to drop in with other questions/concerns? We are waiting for our second baby and I hope to have another open adoption with the birth parents. Thank you ladies!!!
__________________
TTC since 01/04
IUI 05/06 & 10/06 BFN
IUI 11/06 BFP!!! Labeled as chemical
12/06 clomid 50mg=INSANITY and OHSS
Decided to adopt 01/07
raced to the hospital to get our baby boy in August 2007, 12 days after we went "live" to adopt!
Mental break....ahhh. Mommy time....ahhhh. <3
Endometriosis surgery 01/16/09
Femara+IUI 03/09, 04/09, 05/09, 06/09 BFN's
07/09: mixture of acupuncture, herbs, hope, and prayers
09/2009~too much pain, had to go on BCP's.
06/10: Starting adoption process again!!!!!
10/13/10: Adoption paperwork done...now just pray and wait....
01/07/11 profiles turned into the adoption agency.
Matched April 1st, 2011 with a baby girl!
Cassidy born June 15, 2011







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  #2  
December 27th, 2010, 10:31 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 8,103
Hey Tanya! The ladies here are awesome and really helped me out when I was first going through meetings and had questions about meeting our birthmom. It's a little slow at times, but they WILL come on and answer your questions!

I've got everything crossed that your next baby is just around the corner!
__________________

Yet another wonderful siggy by HeatherW.... thank you so much!!!







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  #3  
December 28th, 2010, 08:24 AM
Claysgirl's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 823
Sorry for the delay in responding, I've been out of town!
1. Did you have counseling? If not, why? If so, did it feel helpful?
Yes. In Colorado birth parents are required to have counseling prior to placement. I continued counseling afterwards as well. My counseling was through my agency. It was very helpful to me. I still call up my adoption counselor (and it's been 7.5 years!) when I'm having a hard time.

2. Were your family/friends supportive of your decision?
Family: yes
Friends: kind of
I was 17 when I placed so I don't think my friends truely understood. The friends I have in my life today, most of which didn't know me back then, are very supportive.
My family was very supportive, and still are. While the adoption is a sore subject between me and my parents, I talk to my aunts and grandma about it pretty often.

3. When did you start to feel better about your choice?
I can't tell you exactly when, as it came in stages. At a certain point you realize that life has to go on, and you start to learn how to be "normal" again. But then you hit a bump in the road and feel like you are back at sqaure one again. For me, when I got pregnant with my son, my heart healed. I had been doing well with the adoption before that, but him coming along seemed to just heal me. I still miss her, and love her, and I still cry, but I'm at a point now, where I know 100% that I made the right choice, she knows me, she has a great life.


Please feel free to drop in any time. I can't speak for the other Birth Mom's but I love being able to answer questions for adoptive parents, especially parents like you (and Kari) who think so highly of your birth moms.

If she doesn't want counseling, or to talk to someone, how about online? There is a great Birth Mother's website that has a great forum as well. Let me know if you want that info and I'll PM it to you!
__________________
Katie
Momma to Matthew 4-15-09
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  #4  
December 31st, 2010, 02:59 PM
BoobyDutyAgainJen's Avatar Proud Mom & Birth Mom
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 28,941
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1. Did you have counseling? If not, why? If so, did it feel helpful? Yes, over several different periods. I think the initial time was several months after her placement when I just didn't feel like I was moving forward and that I was sinking more and more into depression. Her conception was a rape though and there was a lot of baggage with the birth father calling in death threats etc. It was a HORRIBLE time in my life altogether though. However I still think the many times I have been to therapy over the years has been helpful. I have currently been seeing someone weekly since my daughter was 5 months old. She is now 3 and I really think we have made some progress. I totally would recommend counseling to anyone and everyone that is struggling with ANYTHING. It isn't just for the "crazies!!" WIth more exposure to it comes acceptance for its normalcy IMO.

2. Were your family/friends supportive of your decision? Family for the most part was, although several of my younger sisters have suffered tremendously with the "loss". I think several of them could have used counseling as well. I was 17 at the time of her birth and they ranged in age from 15 to 10. It was hard on all of us. Friends for the most part exited themselves from my life. Another hardship I went through at the time... As I have aged any of the close friends I have told have been supportive.

3. When did you start to feel better about your choice? After my daughter was born so it was about 9 years later. I always knew it was right...even before she was born it was without a doubt the choice to be made. However it took the birth of my daughter and the realization of all that it takes to be a mom to make the decision truly right. Also, her birth rehashed all of those old feelings and made me really feel them again. It gave me new insight and helped me heal.

I agree with Katie...come back anytime!
__________________

Thanks *Kiliki* for the precious siggy!



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  #5  
January 3rd, 2011, 09:52 AM
Claysgirl's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 823
[/quote]

3. When did you start to feel better about your choice? After my daughter was born so it was about 9 years later. I always knew it was right...even before she was born it was without a doubt the choice to be made. However it took the birth of my daughter and the realization of all that it takes to be a mom to make the decision truly right. Also, her birth rehashed all of those old feelings and made me really feel them again. It gave me new insight and helped me heal.

[/quote]
THIS is perfect.....I haven't been able to put it into words, and you just did. That is exactly how I felt too when Matthew was born. Thank you!
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Katie
Momma to Matthew 4-15-09
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  #6  
January 3rd, 2011, 01:01 PM
tawny63's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Pullman, WA
Posts: 731
Thank you for your answers. I doubt our BM has had any counseling. I am really close to her adoptive parents (yep, she was adopted too) and I think that stresses their relationship to her. They don't think that she knows about their relationship to us, but I'm pretty certain she had it figured out. I hate the secrets, but they aren't ours to share. Anyway, she has been fighting infertility since she gave us C. I know how HARD that battle is, and wouldn't wish it on anyone. She has leaned on me a little bit, but I don't think her new husband is supportive enough for her.
__________________
TTC since 01/04
IUI 05/06 & 10/06 BFN
IUI 11/06 BFP!!! Labeled as chemical
12/06 clomid 50mg=INSANITY and OHSS
Decided to adopt 01/07
raced to the hospital to get our baby boy in August 2007, 12 days after we went "live" to adopt!
Mental break....ahhh. Mommy time....ahhhh. <3
Endometriosis surgery 01/16/09
Femara+IUI 03/09, 04/09, 05/09, 06/09 BFN's
07/09: mixture of acupuncture, herbs, hope, and prayers
09/2009~too much pain, had to go on BCP's.
06/10: Starting adoption process again!!!!!
10/13/10: Adoption paperwork done...now just pray and wait....
01/07/11 profiles turned into the adoption agency.
Matched April 1st, 2011 with a baby girl!
Cassidy born June 15, 2011







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