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Hello all. I never thought I'd be put in a position to have to post anything of this sort, but alas, life has thrown me a curveball. Here's my story:
My name is Cassie, I'm 23. I have 3 children currently, Jasmine (5), Nick (4 today!), and Isabelle (almost 15 months). Their father and I were married for 4.5 years, but recently separated and are headed for divorce. Being a young SAHM, I have no job or education or anything really, not even a place to stay (several offers from friends though, thankfully). So my husband has custody of the kids and we are to renegotiate in a year, after I've gone to school to get certified in something, have a stable job, and a home of my own. Hopefully I will get them back. I do have visitation thankfully, but I miss them terribly.
Anyway, the night my ex and I split, we did have "relations". Then, a few nights later, a supposed friend came to the house to comfort me, but instead, took advantage of me. In between these two events, is my assumed ovulation date. Now today, I tested, and the test came back positive. I do not know who the father is. If it's my ex, I will keep the baby, though he will likely take custody, at least until the custody renegotiation. But if it's not his, I'm thinking of doing open adoption. My best friend knows a woman who recently had to have a hysterectomy due to cancer. This woman and her husband are devastated they can't have kids. It's always been a dream of mine to be a surrogate, to give a couple the gift of a child, a family. They have offered to take me in, give me a free place to stay, cover all my medical expenses, and provide everything I need during the pregnancy. This would allow for me to go to school and get certified in something and not have the added strain of a full time job and having to pay all the bills -- I could work part time and save up money to buy a house for after the baby comes. And the baby would get to grow up with loving parents in a good home. I really do think this is a great option, but I just worry. Mostly about having to explain to this child years down the road why I gave him/her up but kept their older siblings. And having to explain what a monster their father is, if I say anything at all. I just don't know what to do.
Any information anyone can provide me with to prepare me for what's coming up? Positive or negative stories? I will be having an amnio done in a few months to establish paternity, and if it's not my ex's baby, I want to know already that open adoption is the right choice. I appreciate your time!
First off.... nice to meet you, Cassie. I am Melissa. I placed my daughter in March of 2001. I have an open adoption.
I am sorry that it took me so long to get to this. I haven't had a chance to get on this weekend...
My best friend knows a woman who recently had to have a hysterectomy due to cancer. This woman and her husband are devastated they can't have kids. It's always been a dream of mine to be a surrogate, to give a couple the gift of a child, a family.[/b]
You seem to have a big heart. You have your head on straight... you are putting the baby first. That takes alot of courage... I am proud of you for that.
And the baby would get to grow up with loving parents in a good home.[/b]
Given the situation that you are in, this is a very intelligent realization. I think that you have so much going on with your family.... you need to do what your heart is telling you. Pray. Listen to God's guidance. He will lead you... trust me, He will. Just be sure that you don't jump into anything without being sure that it's what the baby really needs and deserves. This is such a hard decision to make, but it is completely for the baby.... please keep telling yourself that...
I really do think this is a great option, but I just worry.
Mostly about having to explain to this child years down the road why I gave him/her up but kept their older siblings. And having to explain what a monster their father is, if I say anything at all. I just don't know what to do.[/b]
I can understand this worry. I worried about this myself... with my own daughters. That they would wonder why I didn't keep their older sister. The thing is, when they are old enough to have an intelligent understanding of adoption... they will be at an age where they will understand where you were when you had to make this decision. Just be honest with them from day one.
I am so sorry that you are having to face this decision. It is painful, but SOOOOO unselfish. Thank you for considering adoption. I am here for you if you need ANYTHING. Be sure to PM me anytime....
Relinquishing a child to adoption is definately a subject not to be taken lightly. But at the same time, it takes courage, strength and above all, love. I say, first you should surround yourself with a strong support system. Friends, family, and even the support of other birthmoms, like you'll find here.
You mentioned that you're unsure of who the father is.. and that the answer to that is a huge contingent on what you decide. My thoughts tell me that you should first establish who the father is, if you can. Prenatal DNA testing can be done through Amniocentesis and Chorionic Villi Sampling (CVS). CVS can be done as early as 10 weeks gestation, but poses higher risks for miscarriage. Amnio is generally done between 14 and 24 weeks. The reason I say establishing paternity is your first priority is because, you will need a release of parental rights from the father as well. Not sure what the laws are in your state, but pretty much every state has taken on that law.. there are too many adoption stories where the father suddenly appears and wants the child, then the adoptive parents are left heartbroken and it becomes a bitter custody battle.
If open adoption is the route you end up taking once paternity is established, then you are in complete control over the future of your baby. I found the couple that adopted my baby in the newspaper of all places. <grin> It was a wonderful experience and journey. I also had fears that my birthson would have bad feelings that I kept my older son, but not him.. but he has never heard anything negative about adoption. The A-parents and I had many many conversations during my pregnancy about how this would all come about. They said that he'd always know he's adopted.. and that adoption is a special thing and that I did a special thing for him. I kept a journal through out my pregnancy, written directly to him.. I made my last entry the day they took him home from the hospital.. and that journal went with him. He's 15 now, and his A-mom says he's started reading it. I gathered pictures from my family... and even met with the birthfathers parents and got pictures from his family, I created a photo album for him so that he will always know where he came from. Both he and his A-mom cherrish my journal and photo album.
You're already thinking about what's best for your unborn child, and that's what's important. Even in relinquishing your child, you are parenting them. You are insuring a good future... not only for your unborn child, but even for the children you have now. Like myself when I became pregnant with my birthson, you probably have goals that will impact the lives of your children. I knew if I kept my birthson, my goals of a successful future would be that much further away, affecting both my older son and my unborn child. I came to the realization of the impact my successes and failures would have on my children. Relinquishing Adam was a choice I made for him and for my other children, hope that makes sense.
Don't be afraid to express your feelings here... we'll help you in this process as much as we can. Although we can't be there for you in real life.. we can offer support, encouragement, and an ear to listen.
Please keep us posted. I'd be happy to be here for you in this journey.
I too worried about what my Birthdaughter would think later on down the road because I kept her sisters and not her. Her A-parents and I talked and they do not hide the fact that she is adopted or that she has sisters. Adoption is a great thing. You are giving a couple the chance to have a baby and family they couldn't have otherwise.