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  #1  
July 5th, 2007, 03:41 AM
Elysia's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Hey guys, well I'm working on a piece of creative writing for my English class. I decided to find a really old story I had written and rework and revise it. I'm just looking for opinions to see if theres any other places you can see that need a bit of work or if something else needs to be added because since I have all the backstory and details in my head I may have skipped over a few and made it a bit unclear what the story was...so here ya go

She slid the window open and climbed onto the window ledge. Her legs dangled in the air for a few seconds before she dropped to the ground. The soft dirt stifling any noise she made, she began to run. The first crimson signs of dawn streaked the sky as she made her way towards her destination with a wild determination pounding in her soul. She had a purpose.

She did not meet anyone in her journey, the dark and sleepy streets gradually giving way to untamed coastal land. As if in a trance, her face drawn and pale, she ran with her eyes wide and void of all emotion. All that lurked there was a strange, unworldly hunger, consuming the deep pools of vivid, electric green.

She came to the beach and paused momentarily closing her eyes at the feel of the cold sand beneath her feet and then, she climbed, unaware of the cold rock cutting into her skin and not feeling the sting of the wind as it lashed out and tore at her clothes. She slowly made her way, slipping and stumbling, pulling herself upwards until she reached the top of the cliff.

She stood in silence on the cliff top, her eyes gazing across the soft green grass that covered the cliff top to the vast ocean that tumbled gently below her. The wind had ceased its attempts to rip her from the cliff face. The only sound was the gentle crashing of the waves and a ravens call crying out across the lonely shores...Paradise.

She closed her eyes and lifted her head towards the heavens and, as if by some form of magic, as she did the ravens cry ceased and the sky darkened as rain clouds rolled in from the beckoning horizon and gathered.

The wind began to pick up again and whip around. She felt the first rain drops fall onto her cheek and track their way down her face and onto her neck as if the heavens knew she had been crying inside. Head still lifted, she trembled involuntarily.

“Just let go” she whispered and raised her hands in greeting to the wind that stung her face and the rain became heavier. A deep growl of thunder rolled across the cliff followed by a flash of lightning.

She looked down to see the waves getting thrown around by the wind. She marvelled at the way they crashed onto the rocks, sending up a mist of spray that sent shockwaves of excitement, fear and pure exhilaration down her spine. While all the while the raven, symbol of death, circled overhead.

Strong hands wrapped around her waist and she turned to see the face of Balor, the god of death. Those eyes, that touch. Her memory enticed her back to the past, to the same spot not long ago.

She had come to the wind swept cliff for comfort and more importantly, for escape. Her knees pulled close to her chest, catching the steady flow of tears that fell from her eyes. She had found it strange at the time. How she had felt so lonely and isolated at the wake with so many people surrounding her either trying to comfort her or throwing filthy looks at her and yet here, with no one around for miles and no sound but the waves, she felt like she belonged. She remembered how she felt his gaze upon her long before he had appeared.

“Who are you?” she had demanded. Her voice pierced with indignance at being intruded upon.

“Balor”

Her heart had begun to race as the name echoed in her mind. The god of death, she remembered believing he had come to punish her for her evil act.

“I...I didn’t…I tried to stop him...” She had stammered in fear.

“You tried, but you didn’t” she had seen a wicked fire flare within his eyes at this.

“It…I…It wasn’t my fault!”

“I know, you meant to stab him right? Stop him from beating your sister…the knife was right beside you. Why didn’t you?”

She had looked at him in alarm. He knew? But of course he did.

“I just couldn’t do it!” she had screamed. Falling to her knees and sobbing uncontrollably, pouring out her pain and grief.

“I’ve been watching you for quite sometime, I’ve grown somewhat attached too you, I could be willing to be kind”

A kind, loving and caring god of death? She hadn’t thought it possible. But she had accepted his offer and had grown too love him passionately and completely, His eyes setting her heart ablaze, his touch setting her flesh Aflame.

The moment fading she turned back to the ocean. Fear dancing in her eyes, a passionate tango of torn desire as Balor leant close to her ear

“Unleash your destiny” he said huskily in her ear. She looked up to find the raven gone, did not speak, but nodded in reply. He took her a little further to the edge and she took a deep breath. With every step bringing her closer to the chilling waves below, she grew more and more fearful. Before she was determined not to let any trace of fear show but now she whimpered and clung onto Balor like a child who had woken from a nightmare.

He halted and turned her to face him, his coal black eyes burning into her green ones. An unknown and unpleasant feeling invading his body, he saw the fear of death dominating and distorting her delicate features.

So this is how it is to feel fear for the one you love… He thought.

“No, it’s not; you will know when it’s fear” she whispered, as if reading his mind

He pulled her into a demanding kiss that entwined there souls and sent her mind reeling into a moment of bitter sweet bliss and left her breathless. No longer scared, she proceeded to the very edge of the cliff where she said two words that were heard by her alone. The last words she would ever speak in this world.

“Let go”

And with that she threw herself from the cliff, tumbling down. The roar of the waves drowning out the last cry that was torn from her body and the darkness consuming her like a cloak as her soul watched on from above. In a gesture of pure and requited love Balor extended his hand. Their souls touched, entwined and melted together, eternity began as a new dawn broke and a love like no other began, in the calm after the storm.




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  #2  
July 7th, 2007, 08:56 PM
*Aspen*
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WOWIE!!!!!!!!! Girly that is awesome!!!! Sounds VERY VERY much like the kind of books that I read...and that I LOVE if I might add. Very great...very very great. Make a book because I want the full story please. LOL! Seriously that was great.

The only things that I could find to give advice on is that I thought there were too many adjectives in the beginning paragraphs. It almost took away from what you were trying to say because the mind is buys wandering thinking about all the adjectives instead of the meaning you are trying to get across. Hope that makes sense.

And the... "Come melt into me"...I dunno, something just doesn't sound right about it. I looked up some other words on thesaurus.com but none of those were sounding right either. The fluidity of this is very lovely, romantic, passionate and very deep...but then the "come melt into me" seemed... like it belonged in someone elses paper kwim? It doesn't have the same ring to it as the rest of the paper does..that's what I'm trying to say.

I hope you don't take any offense. I love your paper so, very very much so. I just know when I ask for advice I really want constructive criticism not just the "oh wow that's good" and that's it kwim? LOL!!

And uh...I'd be surprised if you don't get an A+, keep us posted!
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  #3  
July 7th, 2007, 09:20 PM
Elysia's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thanks Aspen I get what you are saying, thats the kind of critique I wanted..praise is wonderful but it's not really going to help me so I was grateful for the CC. I got the comment from another friend that the opening was a bit too busy so I have worked on that...I tend to do that..get to involved in description that I kinda lose track so I'll work on that. The "Come melt into me" part...yeh I see what your saying...it just doesn't fit. Was waiting for someone to say that. That part's giving me hell LOL I'll see if I can come up with something different...what do you think of "unleash your destiny" ? does that sound more fitting? I'll edit my first post and put the 2nd revised version.

thanks again
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  #4  
July 8th, 2007, 06:04 AM
*Aspen*
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Yes that sounds PERFECT!!!
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  #5  
July 18th, 2007, 03:21 AM
Elysia's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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another revision, I was informed by someone on the reading and writing board that she thought it would work better if she were barefoot through the intire thing and I agreed so a minor adjustment
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  #6  
July 18th, 2007, 05:35 AM
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I think you write beautifully...I cannot wait to read the edited version
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  #7  
July 22nd, 2007, 01:10 AM
Elysia's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thankyou
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