[*~~Shannon~~*]

I keep feeling like I'll get over the fact that both of my deliveries have been c-sections one of these days and it just hasn't happened. I constantly run through the what-ifs. What if I'd taken things a little easier towards the end of my pregnancy with Liam? Maybe I wouldn't have been so exhausted and mentally done. Maybe I wouldn't have jumped at the chance for an induction. Then again, what if I'd changed doctors like I'd considered. Maybe the induction wouldn't have even been on the table.

What if I'd listened to my instincts with E and stayed home from work. I was 90% sure I was in labor but I was afraid to "cry wolf" after so many trips to L&D with Liam. Maybe I would have been more comfortable laboring at home. That probably wouldn't have made any difference in the final result, but maybe I would have at least had a more enjoyable labor experience.

Am I ever really going to get over it? In my head, I know E's situation was necessary, but part of me still feels like now I've failed twice. As much as I'd love to have another baby, the thought of going through that again, failing again, tears me up. I know I'm idealizing the delivery process, but I've always envisioned that movie moment of delivering my baby and having him placed right on my chest. Maybe I'll just never be "over it".

[.h00dihoo.this.]

im sorry your going through that!!

unfortunately, i don't believe it's something you could have "fixed", deliveries just happen the way they do.. I mean, when I had Hunter.. he wasnt placed on my chest. he was sent directly to the nurse, and he was on the warmer for 2 hours before i had the chance to hold him.

I am mad at my own body because of my preterm labors.. like why cant I just have an uncomplicated birth. but these things just happen.. so i will always be high risk.. which means no midwives will accept me, i could never do a home birth even if i WANTED to.. though i dont think i would bc risks just freak me out to much..

[kimmiejo]

I am sorry you are still having a hard time accepting your births ......I haven't had a csection so I can't really relate, Sydney was born on her due date via a spontaneous labor. Sam on the other hand was an induction, for medical reasons at 38 weeks, I knew it was coming though, my GD was extremely hard to control during his pregnancy and the farther I got the more issues arose, I was at peace with the decision I wanted him out and safe by that point and while I am aware that inductions get a bad rap mine was pretty much smoothe sailing, my Dr took his time, included me in the decisions and I delivered Sam just over 24 hours after the induction began with an easy peasy pushing phase....I had GD with both of my pregnancies despite the fact that I am a pretty healthy person, I eat right, I exercise, I am a normal weight and only gained 20 lbs with both pregnancies yet still by 15 weeks gestation with Sam my blood sugars were skyrocketing, no matter what diet I followed or how much I walked and counted carbs and ate no sugar it still didn't matter, I had to go on meds fairly early with him, so from that point of view I get the body failing you thing, it's a hard pill to swallow when you are doing everything right yet still your body isn't cooperating. HUGS I hope you are able to find peace and move forward.

[*Cyndee*]

There is very little in this world we can control. I don't know how you can consider your births a failure when you have two beautiful children. As they get older and their births become more of a memory I think you will realize that you can't idealize childbirth, you can't predict it and you surely can't change the end result. I think it's time to look to the future and see the positives and focus on the good memories of theier births like holding them and nursing them for the first time.

[QueenCrafty]

I'm sorry Shannon! I can't relate since both my deliveries were normal and pretty quick, but I do think your feelings are valid. I think that when we are pregnant, we visualize the ideal pregnancy, labor, and infant. It can be hard to deal when things don't go according to plan. I don't think that 2 c-sections mean that your body failed you. Labor is hard, and I remember how long and exhausting your labor with Liam was.

[WineKeepsMeSane]

Well said Cyndee.

[bostoncreampie]

I think it's easier said than done to move on. Birth is different for everyone and when a birth doesn't go as planned, it can really tear someone up inside. Maybe not everyone, but some people are more affected by things not going as planned than others might be. There are support groups out there where many women gravitate to, it is definitely a real issue that a lot of women live with that they can't just one day decide to move on with.

I don't know what the solution is though. I'm sorry you didn't get the birth you wanted and that you still think about it. I'm guessing that with time, you'll learn to accept it. But I don't think you'll necessarily ever get over it totally. And there's nothing wrong with that.

[horseradishmayo]

well said Kristen. You have every right to feel the way you do about your births and every right to "mourn" the fact that you had a c/s. you might find peace with it eventually, and i hope you do, but if you don't, that's ok. my mom had 2 c/s and she still wishes she could have had vaginal births, and she is almost 58.
i still feel guilty about having an unnecessary induction for Sarah's birth. I try not to beat myself up about it, but i still think about it and wish i wouldn't have done it.

[*Cyndee*]

Kristens comments make sense to me. I'm sorry if I sounded insensitive. I truly feel that you are very lucky and blessed to have two beautiful children Shannon. Perhaps it's a bit of envy and something I haven't gotten 'over' either *hugs*