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So today I pinned dh down to have the talk. As you all know I want one more, he does not. His response to me was if I need a little toy poodle to carry around or what other animals I need instead. Eye roll.
He is worried about time and stress of another one. I can see that point but still. If we have another I'd like it to be sooner than later being in our 30s and there are things I'd like to do that I would only do when the kids are older like 50k and 50 miler trail races, hike portions of the PCT etc.
I'm just not ready to close that chapter of my life yet and I'm really sad when I think about not having another. I loved growing up in a house with 3 other siblings. We always had a lot of fun. I'm sad that one of my brothers died but glad I have others to call and visit.
So how do I either convince dh or just get over it?
I was in your exact same position. I was just lucky enough my DH finally said yes. I honestly think he just said yes to get me to shut up about it. It's miserable when you don't agree on something this major.
Is it always the woman that want the third? Arrg. I think Shannon is in the same boat? I actually feel really sad about it tonight. Holly, your situation gives me a small ray of hope that I can convince him otherwise.
Yes, I'm totally in the same boat. On paper, we should probably be done now, but my heart just isn't done. I can't see never TTC again, never being pregnant again, never having another newborn in the house. I don't know where we'll end up, I just wish I knew 100% one way or the other.
We've been back and forth a million times I think. DH is worried about "rolling the dice" since the girls are happy and healthy and both pregnancies were pretty easy. He really feels like we're tempting fate by trying again. But like Shannon, my heart is saying we aren't done. My worry was the same as your's, Alyssa. I'm 31 this year and even more than that I didn't ever envision a big age gap between my oldest child and my youngest. As it is Kaija will be 5.5 and that seems like such a big difference to me! I don't want to forgot what to do with a newborn!
But we had a nice long, civil, chat the other night about it. We're going to start TTC sometime in the Oct.-Nov.-Dec. area depending on who wins the debate We'd prefer a late summer/early fall baby this time around to split birthdays up a little, but we'll be happy no matter what.
I am in the same boat. My DH grew up with just him and his brother I don't think he can even phathum having 3 children. That and all my pregnancies are high risk so not only will it take away from the girls (during my pregnancy) but, money is an issue because I really can't do much after 12 weeks.
All that being said I can't imagine not having another baby. I have always wanted 3. Even though my pregnancies are so stressful I feel like if I am willing to go through it again then my DH should too. I know not that easy.
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Mommy to Miranda 1/17/08 & Annabelle 3/24/11
Because of my personal fertility situation, I can't always relate to this type of situation, but I do agree that it really sucks to not be on the same page for something this important.
It's interesting that (at least on this board), that it's the men balking at the 3rd babies. I think men view this topic on a more practical level and woman on a far more emotional one, given we're the ones who have to go through the whole pregnancy stage, that kinda makes sense. So, the only advice I can think of is to try to minimize their more "practical" concerns, even if you don't agree that they should be obstacles. Whether that be money, age, health, etc... Although your personal needs and desires to have another are very valid, your DH may just be having a hard time relating to it in that way.
For my husband it's about demand on his time I think. Finances aren't a problem. I work with kids all day and am used to multiple kids needing my attention at any given time. Yeah sometimes it's tiring but I'm used to it. Dh isn't. If he is watching both kids and they both want to sit in his lap or something that is what stresses him out. To me, I thrive on that stuff.
Mylene, the one negative I have in my head is the healthy pregnancy and baby thing. I have two healthy kids too and also wonder if I would be tempting fate. Totally get where you are coming from there.
Regarding your "tempting fate" concerns, I have a little tidbit for you that I experienced.
You may remember that I did The Mom Show when Aidan was just turning 1. At that point, DH and I were discussing the timing for frozen transfers to have #2. The pediatrician that was on that show came into the green room after taping to meet "the perfect baby". It was a little joke on the set because I told them how great a sleeper Aidan was and always had been. Anyway, I made a comment to him about how I'll likely end up with the worlds worst sleeper next time around. He told me something that kinda stuck about how that's a load of crapola and you're more likely to have a similarly behaved baby the 2nd and subsequent times than drastically different. I'm pretty sure there is no scientific type reason for that statement, and not even sure how often it holds true. But, what it did say to me was, it's all in your attitide and perception. Kinda the glass half full vs half empty thing.
All of that to say, that intsead of worrying about a problem with a 3rd after 2 that are perfect, think about the fact that it's far more likely you'll end up with another perfect one.
And Alyssa... I totally get where your DH is coming from on the demand for time/energy. Aside from my age, that was the 2nd biggest contributing factor to not pushing towards another egg retrieval/IVF cycle. Maybe the tactic you can take on that one is that Lily is almost school age and soon will be to the point of doing so much free time stuff without him that he'll have some of that energy to put towards a new baby.
The tempting fate thing for me is more a medical problem type thing. I'm more worried about downs syndrome or autism or something like that. :-)
This is exactly DH's worry, and to some extent mine as well. This morning he came home from work and gave me a billions reasons why he's NOT okay with TTC this winter... I freaking hate this with him, he did it before Kolbie too. He did confess that when we talked about TTC the girls he was excited. This time every time we talk about it he feels nervous. So I really don't know what's up with him...but the whole talk bummed me out a lot. I suddenly feel like I'm bullying him into the whole thing with what *I* want as opposed to what *WE* want.
Also, Kolbie was a more "difficult" baby than Kaija was but I have a feeling that was more related to me being a SAHM and perhaps doing a little more coddling. Kaija spent a lot more time with DH as an infant. I think it really just showed the differences in our parenting styles. Neither of us were "wrong" just different.
We are ttc and it still hurts my feelings that although DH has agreed to move forward he is still more nervous than excited. I just keep reminding myself that he will want and love the baby when he/she is actually here and the worries are gone.
I don't think a lot of men like/enjoy the infancy stage and after kids hit the age of 3 the thought of "starting over" scares the crap out of them - they are feeling like they are getting some of their 'life' back and can better interact with the children and want their 'wives back'. This is how my DH is I think. Maddie was an oops and we were wishy washy about a second and then after going for it we both kind of took the miscarriage as a sign that we are meant to be a one child family and let well enough be alone. Money wise child care is just so expensive, we could not afford to chase our dreams to own a home and afford the extra 1k/month in expenses another child would bring (between child care, health insurance and everything else).
I think we have one life to live and create the family that we want and men need time to think things out and often need some gentle persuasion that another baby will make life better, not take away from what they have and enjoy.
Well I am so glad I have this place to vent about this stuff. It's so personal that I don't really talk about stuff like this to anybody in real life. So thanks for listening. :-)
I guess I'll just take the next year to try to convince him. Maybe you are right cyndee and he just needs time to think it through. 8 months ago he was on board with the idea so I don't understand why he changed his mind all of a sudden. Maybe because Oliver is mobile now and wants his attention?
We are using pull and pray for birth control so I guess I can always hope for an oops. We both know the risks with that one.
DH is the one pressuring me about a third child. If you had asked me last year, I definitely wanted another. But now with me working, I just don't think I can do it. My company is too small to qualify for FMLA so I'd only get 6 weeks off. I don't want to put a tiny newborn in daycare. I told DH that I would only consider another kid if I could stay home again. Plus if we ended up with another difficult baby, I would never trust someone else to care for them like I did with Abri. She was really hard. Maybe that is also part of my hesitation. I don't want another 14 months of sleepless nights and screaming babies. So I go back and forth on this issue when DH is dead set on more kids.
I don't think a lot of men like/enjoy the infancy stage and after kids hit the age of 3 the thought of "starting over" scares the crap out of them - they are feeling like they are getting some of their 'life' back and can better interact with the children and want their 'wives back'. .
This is how we both feel, so I"m glad we are on the same page. I want to start enjoying my life, get our house built and do things with the boys that we can't do when they are younger... Preston is going through a phase that I wish would end real fast...
Good luck convincing your DH. I'm sure he will come around but he just might need some time to decide.
