[Etph007]

Let me preface by saying... I love my mother in law... but sometimes she is entirely overbearing and overwhelming and I can't take it. Being pregnant has magnifyed the situation and it doesn't help that we all live on family property and I could literally shout to her house. Travis is her only child, which makes her that much more overbearing over us. It doesn't bother him NEARLY as much as it bothers me. Some days I want to shout. Some days I ask myself... who's his wife?!?! Because she likes to take over some of my responsibilities. If he mentions he's sick, she makes a dr. appt, if his car breaks down, she makes a mechanic's appt., etc.etc. etc. And I usually don't even hear of these things til after-the-fact.

Since being pregnant, the baby is "my grandbaby this and my grandbaby that..." It drives me up the wall. I know how much she cares about us, but sometimes she doesn't know her place. She his mother.. not his wife.

Here's what set me off today- She works at the hospital. Travis texts me earlier on his way to work letting me know he was having severe back pain (he had spine surgery about 10+ yrs ago) and that he was going to the dr. tomorrow. You bet! His mommy made that appt! Well- a little while later (his drive to work is an hr and a half) he text me and said he was turining around and going home... it was getting worse. I asked him if he needed to go to the ER (he's been before for the same pain- they do nothing, so it's kinda pointless). He said he wasn't sure. In the meantime, mommy dearest (who works at the hospital) called me and was talking about his back pain. I asked her if they could do anything more than what they did last time (xray, meds, send you home). She said she was going to check and call me back to see if it was worth it to go to the ER.

Well- an hr passes and I've heard from neither of them. I called him and he's at the ER. Wow... that's nice. Thanks for telling his wife =) She eventually called and I told her I was frustrated that noone let me know! I told her I hated to pay the $75 if they couldn't do anything but give him a muscle relaxer and send him home... we could do that at HOME!! She says, "I'll pay the **** $75... it's not that important". As if I don't care about my husband!!! the money wasn't important to me, it was the principle. I know this sounds so silly, but she is driving me crazy. My husband is always asking me to move closer to his job, but I don't want to move further away from my family (we're already an hr from them) but I am beginning to consider it more everyday.

Thanks for listening You're a trooper!

[Lyz]

aww I'm sorry your MIL is driving you crazy.....the same thing has been going on for me, in the aspect that this pregnancy has magnified how much she drives me up a wall!! I hope DH feels better and I hope you get through this anger. Not really sure what else to say

[NortheastWifey]

Ugh... I feel for you, Erin. I think the thing is to be honest with your DH and MIL. My DH and I have had some unfortunate issues with his family so I know how you feel, but I think being open and communicating is the best approach. She might not always like what you have to say, but like you said, YOU are his wife. There's no need for her to get so snippy about you saying what you said so I would just ignore it. Just talk with your DH and make sure he understands that it's important that he let you know things like when he needs to go to the ER. And who knows - maybe your MIL told him she would call you.

[Etph007]

I know it sounds so trivial... but at the moment it felt so aggravating! I have been honest with her in the past, letting her know that we needed to establish our own family, etc... and she backed off some but always starts back up. She means well and I know that...

keep in mind my frustration... when we were first married she was still logging on to check his bank acct and asking if we needed money if the balance was low. Or... "what did you spend $400 on at Lowes?" I mean... it gets a bit much at times and when I try to confront her she takes it really personal. I've been dealing with this for years from her. It initially got between DH and I (because she's all he's ever had, so he's very protective over their relationship). I eventually had to realize... it was her control issues. I couldn't change that... I just have to change how I react. I have to take everything she does/says with a grain of salt and know that we are at least grateful to have her... because she DOES care... some people have parents that couldn't care less.

So- with that said, I can't really complain to DH unless she's downright hateful to me. It's not worth the argument. But I really appreciate having you ladies to vent to

[Gray_baby]

I'm sorry Erin! I don't have to deal with that since my MIL lives in NH and we're in FL but I imagine it's very frustrating. Sounds like your DH needs to have a serious conversation with his mom about boundaries. It's got to be tough on him since you all live so close to her and I'm sure he doesn't want to hurt her feelings, and honestly he's probably just used to her doing everything for him - so getting him to see your side is going to be difficult but he needs to listen since you are married after all.

I hope you can work something out so you aren't so frustrated.

[polarbearmama]

I absolutely and completely understand what you're going through. My MIL has really poor boundaries and is actually one of those people who doesn't really let you keep your boundaries even and continues to push the limits.

She has been divorced for over 26 years but still hasn't "gotten over it" and continues to be throw a pity party for herself...it's always "woe is me"...who wants to be around that all the time??? no wonder most of her friends have stopped hanging around....it's difficult to be around that negativity....ooops....i think i just started my own vent!!!!

Hang in there...I personally think that your husband is the one who needs to take the stand against his mom and those types of comments. He should help to set that boundary with her, how inappropriate it is to say those types of things to you since YOU are his wife, his mother isn't.

Just because she genuinely cares does not give her license to control your lives or meddle like she is...

[Etph007]

Originally Posted by polarbearmama

I absolutely and completely understand what you're going through. My MIL has really poor boundaries and is actually one of those people who doesn't really let you keep your boundaries even and continues to push the limits.

She has been divorced for over 26 years but still hasn't "gotten over it" and continues to be throw a pity party for herself...it's always "woe is me"...who wants to be around that all the time??? no one most of her friends have stopped hanging around....it's difficult to be around that negativity....ooops....i think i just started my own vent!!!!

Hang in there...I personally think that your husband is the one who needs to take the stand against his mom and those types of comments. He should help to set that boundary with her, how inappropriate it is to say those types of things to you since YOU are his wife, his mother isn't.

Just because she genuinely cares does not give her license to control your lives or meddle like she is...

Vent away!!!! And I've tried talking to DH about her. He doesn't do much. He doesn't want to upset her and most of the time thinks that I am overreacting. "she's just trying to help"... is ALWAYS his come back. Well... I appreciate her help I'm your wife! I'm not sure that there is a resolution, other than me just letting it go. I will continue to speak up when she offends me, but it's little or no help.


PS- she and i had plans to go to the mall to take a dress back that I ordered. the mall is an hr away... we were going to go after work, seeing as DH would have been at work anyway. Well... she's just calls me to tell me that DH is still in the waiting area and won't be seen for a while. but then she says, "If you want, you can just go ahead and take that dress back and I'll stay here with him since I'm already here... There's probably nothing we can do to help him. I won't leave him here alone though". Ahhhhhhhhhh..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I said, "I'm coming to check on him at 5 when I get off... so I'll see ya then".

[Denise123]

Maybe take the dress to the hospital with you and hand it to her and say "it's so nice of you to return this for me since I need to be here for my husband"

[Micksbabe]

Originally Posted by Denise123

Maybe take the dress to the hospital with you and hand it to her and say "it's so nice of you to return this for me since I need to be here for my husband"

I totally hear you, my DH mother annoys me to no end, I have put a great deal of distance between us. I get super annoyed when DH tells me to say something, when I think he needs to be the one to tell her what is up!!!

I hope that things work out, maybe moving a little further away will help!! Did you change your password for his account after she went in there?? Cause that would send me over the edge

[Oreobaby]

What is it with mothers and their only child sons....my DH is ALSO an only child. My MIL is not nearly as bad as yours...(I'm so sorry you have to go through that) But she can definately over step her bounds.

I'm sure now that you are PG it is more irritating. I hope she will get a clue and realize, he just isn't her little boy anymore...

[courtneytcu98]

Well, my MIL is crazy, but in a whole different way than yours!

My response the whole time I was reading your post and the replies was that the problem is really with your DH because he won't set a boundary with his mom and it's not your place to do it. After Tina said basically the same thing and you said that it doesn't do much to ask him to intervene, I would suggest some marriage counseling. We have worked very hard with a psychologist about DH's mom and it has made an amazing difference. It really helps to have a neutral person say the things that you are trying to say. Your MIL is triangulating (pitting you and DH against each other) and has basically created a relationship with him that is typically reserved for romantic partners (not physically, but emotionally). In the long run, this could destroy your marriage.

I am not trying to be melodramatic or bossy, although I do have those tendencies, but I really feel for you after reading your post.

[Etph007]

Originally Posted by Denise123

Maybe take the dress to the hospital with you and hand it to her and say "it's so nice of you to return this for me since I need to be here for my husband"

Bahaha this cracked me up! I needed a little laugh

Originally Posted by Micksbabe

I totally hear you, my DH mother annoys me to no end, I have put a great deal of distance between us. I get super annoyed when DH tells me to say something, when I think he needs to be the one to tell her what is up!!!

I hope that things work out, maybe moving a little further away will help!! Did you change your password for his account after she went in there?? Cause that would send me over the edge

Absolutely! And I had DH set that circus down a long time ago! I think moving, at this point may be the BEST thing for us! Because this really doesn't bother DH and I in our relationship... it's more of an issue with she and I and I think living SO close to her in such a small town exacerbates the situation. When we lived an hr away from her it wasn't nearly as bad!

[Etph007]

Originally Posted by Oreobaby

What is it with mothers and their only child sons....my DH is ALSO an only child. My MIL is not nearly as bad as yours...(I'm so sorry you have to go through that) But she can definately over step her bounds.

I'm sure now that you are PG it is more irritating. I hope she will get a clue and realize, he just isn't her little boy anymore...

Thanks, Marci!

[Etph007]

Originally Posted by courtneytcu98

Well, my MIL is crazy, but in a whole different way than yours!

My response the whole time I was reading your post and the replies was that the problem is really with your DH because he won't set a boundary with his mom and it's not your place to do it. After Tina said basically the same thing and you said that it doesn't do much to ask him to intervene, I would suggest some marriage counseling. We have worked very hard with a psychologist about DH's mom and it has made an amazing difference. It really helps to have a neutral person say the things that you are trying to say. Your MIL is triangulating (pitting you and DH against each other) and has basically created a relationship with him that is typically reserved for romantic partners (not physically, but emotionally). In the long run, this could destroy your marriage.

I am not trying to be melodramatic or bossy, although I do have those tendencies, but I really feel for you after reading your post.

Thanks so much for your reply! and I'm sorry your MIL is crazy too I'm not sure if I explained properly... DH has and will set boundaries with his mom. He just doesn't feel the need to speak up every time she drives me crazy. He thinks speaking up about petty things isn't worth it. When he's said somethng to her before, it has been effective for some time... Although she's recently started to drift back to her old tendencies. If this continues, I'll be sure that something further is done. Maybe by both myself and DH. I'm thankful that at this point it hasn't come between DH and I, but can see what you're saying about it potentially being a problem if not handled. Thanks again girls!!

MIL was actually better last night at the hospital. She went HOME soon after I got there!

[NortheastWifey]

Originally Posted by Etph007

I know it sounds so trivial... but at the moment it felt so aggravating! I have been honest with her in the past, letting her know that we needed to establish our own family, etc... and she backed off some but always starts back up. She means well and I know that...

keep in mind my frustration... when we were first married she was still logging on to check his bank acct and asking if we needed money if the balance was low. Or... "what did you spend $400 on at Lowes?" I mean... it gets a bit much at times and when I try to confront her she takes it really personal. I've been dealing with this for years from her. It initially got between DH and I (because she's all he's ever had, so he's very protective over their relationship). I eventually had to realize... it was her control issues. I couldn't change that... I just have to change how I react. I have to take everything she does/says with a grain of salt and know that we are at least grateful to have her... because she DOES care... some people have parents that couldn't care less.

So- with that said, I can't really complain to DH unless she's downright hateful to me. It's not worth the argument. But I really appreciate having you ladies to vent to

Oh wow!! That's crazy with her checking your bank acct. I'm glad you guys have been able to put up some boundaries that are helpful - especially for your own sanity's sake!

[karenwalter]

It sounds like we have the same MIL

Sometimes you just need to vent. DH and I really had to work on boandaries with my MIL because the aggrevation was getting in the way with our relationship. But, I made DH be the one to work it out with her.

She still manages to drive me crazy sometimes though. I called to tell her we heard the baby's heartbeat but she didn't answer so I hung up. Next thing I know she calls back about 10 times in a panick because I didn't leave a message and she just knew something was wrong with the baby. She even called my parents to ask them! Uggg!