[Cheryl_W]

Sorry I've been MIA over the holidays girls, just been dealing with some family stuff and needed to take that time to relax and enjoy Christmas with everyone... But now I need your advice.

I've known since about month 5 of TTC that I wanted to have a home birth, with a midwife. I'm terrified of hospitals (I have anxiety attacks at the front door - not even kidding. Very terrified.) I don't trust doctors, as I've had almost nothing but bad experiences with them... They've all either ignored me, or if they DID listen, they pushed unneccessary meds on me (the only exception being my OB/GYN, who actually listened and did the right thing after some convincing.)

My worry is that my fears and anxieties related to hospitals will do two things... Cause an increase in BP during labour, making me need a c-section (which scares me so badly I would probably punch nurses and try to escape the hospital), and/or cause PPD, which is a real risk anyway with my bipolar disorder, but not having a pleasant birth for my child will only ADD to the situation...

Anyhow, I kind of have this bad habit. I, for some reason, believe it is easier to appease others than to stand up for what I want and what I believe in and then put up with the aftermath. I've always done it... Always did what other people told me to because it was easier.

And at my appointment with my doc on December 15th, he tried to convince me that a hospital birth with him attending was the safer, smarter choice and that I'd be risking my baby's life by trying to have a home birth with a midwife.

So I told him I'd consider it. And I have been, I've been looking into our local hospital and trying to weigh the pros and cons of both. But the more I think about going to the hospital in 7.5 months, the more terrified I get of the whole idea...

I'm not afraid of giving birth. I know my body is capable of it, and I am looking FORWARD to a natural, calm birth with my husband and a supportive labour team. Not that I look down on anyone who wants meds, everyone handles pain differently - but I know I'm usually OK with pain, especially pain with a purpose like dental stuff and such, and I WANT to feel everything - so I'm choosing to go natural as much as possible.

But I am deathly afraid of the hospital. When I had to go into the ER for my cramping because of that cyst, the paramedic had to get me to time my breaths with my watch because I was hyperventilating from the very IDEA of being in the ER. I had an anxiety attack and nearly passed out cold in the u/s unit the next day until DH could be beside me, and even then I was crying uncontrollably while she was doing it. I hate, hate, hate, hate hospitals.

But now that I told everyone I was considering a hospital birth, thats all anyone talks about. How "glad" they are that I'm not taking such a big "risk" with my baby. How happy they are that I'm making the "smart" decision to put myself in that compromising, anxiety-causing position. How fantastic it is that even though I felt confident, safe, and comfortable with my decision to have a home birth, and feel nothing but fear and anxiety over birthing in a hospital, that I decided to do the "right" thing.

And I was able to deal with all of that... I was able to fend it off, citing statistics, telling people I still hadn't made my decision, until tonight. That's when DH came out and told the truth.

He doesn't want me to give birth at home either. He wants me to be in the hospital. He thinks I should either see a therapist to deal with my "problems", or just get over it all for the safety and well being of our child - when statistically speaking, our child is just as safe in the hands of a midwife, and he knows that.

So I started to get depressed... This birth experience has gone from something I was looking forward to more than anything in the world, to something I'm dreading, fearing, and hoping I can delay as long as possible. And that is all because I'm compromising what made ME comfortable and what made ME happy to appease doctors, sisters, brothers, grandparents, mothers, fathers, and now apparently DH...

We were just laying in bed, and he asked me what u/s room I was in last time so I could tell the doc and be in it again so I was comfortable, and I just said it doesn't matter, I'll suck it up and deal with whatever room they put me in... And his words were, "oh, so now you're going to play the martyr?"

Not supportive.

What do I do? Nobody supports my original decision to have a home birth with a midwife, not even my own husband... The local hospital gives me so much anxiety I just want to keep this baby inside of me until I hit 90, then they can put me under and take the baby out and never wake me up... But the home birth is now out of the question, because I have NO support team. I can't do it with everyone against me. I'm sitting upstairs on the couch in tears because I don't know what to do...

I've always just done what everyone else said because it was easier. But it feels WRONG to do it now. This feels like the one thing I should be standing up and saying NO, I'm doing this the way I feel comfortable because this is MY body and MY birth! But it would cause so much turmoil, nobody would support me in my decision and my labor team would be gone. Nobody would be there.

What do I do girls? I hate being mad at DH, but calling me a martyr was probably the least helpful thing he said... And I crawled out of bed and went upstairs crying, he didn't try to stop me, or come upstairs to see me, or even just say he was sorry - he's just downstairs sleeping while I lay up here on the couch crying about what is being taken away from me and how nobody cares.

I feel so alone...

[*Mommy2Camden*]

I'm sorry chica! Here's my take on things. I'm definetely not a fan of hospitals either, but I want what's best for me and my baby. For me personally, I would be FAR more stressed having a home birth with my 1st child. But, there are PLENTY of 1st time moms who feel the opposite, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. With my future pregnancies, I would totally consider a home birth. I am all about delivering naturally as well. I have all the confidence in the world in my body, and do NOT want drugs. My hospital has birthing tubs, balls, and my husband and I took classes on natural child birth. However, if there is an issue I feel really good about being in a hospital where me and the baby could receive medical treatment if needed. Sometimes things can happen quickly, where seconds count and I would be SO glad to be in the hospital instead of trying to frantically drive there all stressed out. It's something you and your DH should talk about a lot more, and you have a lot of time to make a decision! I think men are just more freaked out about us being in pain, and they want what's "best." Everytime I have a contraction my husbands eyes get huge and he starts to panic a little bit. As wonderful as he is, I can totally see myself calming HIM down as I'm in labor. In the end it's a personal decision, and whatever you choose is just great. I'm all for home births, but like I said, I would personally feel much more calm in the hospital. Just because you deliver in a hospital doesn't mean you have to receive any sort of drugs. You can discuss a birth plan with either your OBGYN or your mid-wife, and they should respect your decision. I've already made it VERY clear that I want as little medical intervention as possible. Try not to stress too much about it, and just know that you and your hubby will make the right choice in the end.

[~* Liss *~]

I'm so sorry Cheryl!

What about maybe having a midwife still but maybe at the hospital? Maybe try to set up an appointment with a midwife and your DH and go from there?

I'm so sorry that your DH is being unsupportive. I don't think that men understand all of the changes going on in our bodies and how much we NEED their support sometimes.

I hope today is a better day for you!

[Celry]

Nak so can't type much. It's your body and you have to go through it, so should do what you're most comfortable with. I suggest you find a midwife that's backed by an OB. That may appease people. You have the option of easily going to the hospital if you needed to, but can have the birth you want if all goes well, which i;m sure it would.

[lttle_one]

I'm so sorry you're going through this! I've dealt with panic attacks for years, so I understand where you're coming from and why delivering in a hospital may not be the best idea for you.

What I would do is say screw everyone else, but sit down and have a heart to heart with your DH, as many times as necessary. Keep talking, keep showing proof that you are perfectly safe delivering at home, and that with your anxiety, delivering at a hospital is not a good idea. I would keep working on getting him on board. I wouldn't care what anyone else thinks, nor would I tell anyone else. If you can manage to get him on board, I don't see why a home birth still wouldn't be possible. In the meantime, though, it may be a good idea to see someone about your anxiety. There is still always a chance that you may need to be transported, even if you plan a homebirth, and it's important that you be prepared and know how to handle your anxiety in that situation.

I really hope you guys can come up with a decision that makes you comfortable. Ultimately, it is your body and your birth and people need to respect your decisions.

[pthree]

If this is something you feel strongly about, I think you need to stick to your guns. If, God forbid, something starts to go wrong at home, midwifes are just as apt to realize this and call an ambulance or call the hospital to prep for your arrival. They don't want anything to go wrong, either!

If you do end up going to the hospital, I know all hospitals give tours anyway to mommies-to-be, do you think that would help? Going a few times to get acquainted with the hospital, maybe some staff, and see where you're going to be delivering and whatnot. I've already gotten the forms from my hospital so that I can sign up for my tours.

[stlgirl]

Cheryl, as a natural birth advocate, I'd say that even though it may be hard for you, you should stick to your guns on this. There are MANY good reasons to have a birth at home, which actually make it safer than a hospital birth. My only suggestion would be to make sure your midwife either has admitting privileges or has an OB she works with so that if God forbid something DID go wrong, you could be quickly and easily admitted to the closest nearby hospital. Midwives are well trained and know when things aren't going as they should - try to assure your DH that it's actually much better for baby for mommy to be calm during birth, and that if it turns out you need to go to the hospital you absolutely will do so.

As for all the others, all you can do is try to let their comments roll off your back. This is YOUR birth and just because it has become a medicalized process in the states doesn't mean that's the only or even the best way to have a baby. You have to do what is right for YOU.

[courtneytcu98]

Have you considered a birthing center? They are typically situated near a hospital, but are attended by midwives and are focused on natural births in a natural setting. The moms and babies even get to go home within hours of birth. That sounds like it might be a good compromise.

As for the anxiety, I think that appeasing everyone is a double-edged sword, because it undoubtedly causes an increase in anxiety. Appeasing others to your detriment leads to a feeling of a loss of control which leads to anxiety. This is not a good cycle! I do agree with your husband that some therapy to deal with the overwhelming anxiety is a good idea. You don't want your world to be ruled by anxiety and IF you have to be admitted to a hospital for the birth of your baby, you don't want anxiety to be the only memory you have of such a momentous occasion. I believe that it all comes down to listening to your heart, standing up for yourself and realizing that no one else has control of your body--only you. Take charge--stand up and be heard for the amazing woman that you are!

[Cheryl_W]

Thanks girls... Lots of good advice here.

Just for the record, things are a bit different here in BC Canada where I live... All midwives have hospital privileges. Not only could a midwife admit me, she could be with me for the birth. In fact, I could ask any midwife in this province to attend a hospital birth at any hospital in her local area, and she could. So no problems there, I had considered it.

And birth isn't quite as medicalized here. They support NCB decisions in hospitals here, for the most part, and the intervention rates are much lower.

My problem is that the very act of entering the hospital may begin a downward spiral that leads to harm for myself and the baby, because of my anxiety.

I've dealt with the anxiety in every other area of my life, and its not an issue anymore. I used to be on medication for it, but now I deal with it unmedicated. Other than that one in the u/s ward a couple of weeks ago, I haven't had a panic attack in over 3 years - without a single pill or prescription.

The worst part is, DH is buying into my doctor's BS... He actually told me, he works the L&D rotation at the hospital, and he has to "clean up midwives messes all the time." Yeah, of course you're not going to have a great opinion of them if all you see is the births that DO end up hospitalized, which is done for the good of the patient (and hey, if you think about it, that alone makes them competent care providers...)

But how many home births does he know of that go well? How many midwives has he spoken to about the safety of it all? Does he realize that the midwifery program at our largest university is harder to get into than the medical program, and takes the same amount of time and training?

Of course not. He just spews his doctor BS and uses scare tactics to get his way, and he managed to sway my husband so now I have NO support for my decision, no matter the reason...

Ugh, this just SUCKS. And now I have my first prenatal appt with him in less than an hour... Ugh...

[lttle_one]

Can you switch OB's?

[MommaLee]

I'm sorry! I was going to say what others already touched upon.

But I do agree that you should do what YOU feel is right and screw everyone else. They can make the decision for their child but you are making it for yours. You are doing all of the work and although I support husbands having input, I firmly believe that us women are the ones who should make the final decision (unless you are incapacitated). You know your body better than your husband or your doctor does. You are going to have to put your voice out there and be firm with what you want....

I will tell you that as long as I have a good reasoning behind my decisions, dh won't argue with me. From what I'm reading.....you are able to start the home birth and if it doesn't go well, the midwife can admit you to the hospital for the delivery, right? Sounds like you two need to talk it out.....whatever you do, your husband needs to support it or this might be a long 7.5 months for you!

[Mrs.Paradise]

Originally Posted by lttle_one

I'm so sorry you're going through this! I've dealt with panic attacks for years, so I understand where you're coming from and why delivering in a hospital may not be the best idea for you.

What I would do is say screw everyone else, but sit down and have a heart to heart with your DH, as many times as necessary. Keep talking, keep showing proof that you are perfectly safe delivering at home, and that with your anxiety, delivering at a hospital is not a good idea. I would keep working on getting him on board. I wouldn't care what anyone else thinks, nor would I tell anyone else. If you can manage to get him on board, I don't see why a home birth still wouldn't be possible. In the meantime, though, it may be a good idea to see someone about your anxiety. There is still always a chance that you may need to be transported, even if you plan a homebirth, and it's important that you be prepared and know how to handle your anxiety in that situation.

I really hope you guys can come up with a decision that makes you comfortable. Ultimately, it is your body and your birth and people need to respect your decisions.

I was going to say this!!! but I also have to add... I think people will come around ... when you are in labor I think everyone you want and some you dont want to be there will ... because its family!!! I think they are scared because its your first... and because they dont want anything to happen to you or your baby!!! but I think in your case it would be better to do a home birth... and if Im wrong and they dont want to be there for you... then you can always find a doolah (SP?) they will be there for YOU!!! ITS YOUR CHOICE!!! dont let anyone bully you into doing something you dont want to do!!! you need to STICK UP FOR YOURSELF and YOUR BABY!!! you know whats best for you!!! and I think that if you find the right midwife you will be in just as capeable hands as you would be with a doctor and at a hospital... stick to your guns girl!!!! HUGE HUGS!!!! tell them all to go F#$# themselfs if they dont like it...

oh I forgot to add my about your doctor... I think hes an IDIOT!!! dont listen to him... I would find another one right away... or really a midwife...

[fromustobaby]

Cheryl-

Sorry that you are going through that, the other girls offered great advice, but I'd also add in that you might want to meet with a number of midwifes - with your DH - so that they can answer all of your and his questions and you can address any concerns that he might be worried about...

As the other girls said, the reason why they are saying that is probably because they automatically equate doctors with safety, and they want you to be safe...

None of the others matter but your DH, and if you can get him together with a midwife that you both feel comfortable with, that might make all the difference in the world!

[Cheryl_W]

Thanks girls... My prenatal appointment didn't ease any of my anxieties about the hospital at all. In fact, I came home from the appointment and called the midwife I had wanted to use - only to find out they're full for August. I originally called them when I was 12DPO to get in - apparently they were already full! So now I have to find another midwife (considering the wait lists in this province, it is nearly impossible this late...) or just stick with a doctor, and suck up my anxiety.

*sigh* It just sucks that I was looking forward to the birth, I felt confident, safe, and happy - I was so excited! Now I'm almost dreading it, knowing that it is going to be an experience that will cause me resentment against certain people for taking this away from me...

You know, if the midwife hadn't been able to take me on, but everyone was still supportive of a home birth the whole time - it wouldn't be so bad. But knowing that no one, not even my own husband, supported what I thought was the best decision for our child - it just makes me ill.

I said to my mother today, I'm not even 8 weeks yet and I already want to just schedule an elective caesarian so they can just put me under, take the baby, and leave me to grieve over the whole process... How freaking sad is that?

*sigh* and now I'm slipping into a depression about it already... Nobody but you girls understand, I feel very alone in this. I'm so glad I have all of you to talk to...

Everyone is telling me that I'm over reacting, that I should just calm down... My mother told me "it won't matter once baby is born" but I honestly don't believe that. I don't WANT to just forget my child's birth when it is over. I wanted it to be a joyous, happy, wonderful experience - now I'm already dreading going through with it. I just feel like no one understands, and that they're all judging me - they all think I should just get over it and go to the hospital because everyone else did. Well I'm not everyone else - hospitals send me into cold sweats and panic attacks. If everyone did that, I'm sure they'd change some things, you know?

I'm just at a loss for what to do now... Part of me just wants to give up, keep seeing my doctor (who, by the way, isn't even ordering another u/s to check on my cysts even though they've been causing me horrible pain for the last few days...) go to the hospital to have this baby and let them do whatever they want to me, not even care... The other half knows that that is the wrong thing to do, but I already feel defeated...

I was so excited about being pregnant, too... And now all I can think about is this stupid hospital thing, I can't even enjoy my pregnancy I'm so afraid!

[Mrs.Paradise]

oh Cheryl!!! that just makes me sooooooooooooo sad and mad to read your response... isnt there any other midwife that can take you in that you trust? I hope you can find one... I think you should get the birthing experiance you want and DESERVE!!! I just think that they will get over it... and if they dont that is THIER FAULT NOT YOURS!!! sweetie I wish I was there to give you a BIG HUGE HUG!!! I hope your hubby will come around and realize how much better for YOU AND THE BABY for you to have what you want and NEED!!! Im soooooooooooo sorry that they are being BIG HUGE JERKS to you right now... hang in there sweetie... I would just not talk about my birthing plans to anyone other then my hubby and us of course and your midwife... i hope you can find another midwife soon!!! HUGE HUGS AGAIN!!!! Love you girl!!!

[Cheryl_W]

Thanks my Paradise Hooker

I'm having more cramps tonight, but the doc told me not to bother going to see anyone about it unless there is bleeding so I guess I should just deal.

DH apologized for the martyr comment last night, but its not making me feel much better. Its just hard to accept that this is it, this is really going to be how our baby comes into the world, and I'm really going to risk a BP spike and anxiety attack, risking our baby, because some doctor decided it was safer and managed to convince my husband to side with him...

Now DH doesn't even want me to go to the hospital birthing center in the next town, he just wants me to do it here with this doctor. *sigh* Which feels like the worst case scenario for me...

I guess I'm just going to have to get comfortable with all of this so I can just enjoy my pregnancy again, and stop worrying about it until the day comes. I'm not going to be in control of the experience anyway, it isn't anything I can effect or change in any way, so there is no point in worrying about it. The best I can hope for is that nothing gets complicated by my anxiety on the big day.

Thanks for all your support girls...

[stlgirl]

You still have lots of time to figure things out. I hope that you and DH can work through this and find a way to come to an agreement about what is best for you and baby. Try not to stress too much now...

[Mrs.Paradise]

hey Cheryl... I was just thinking... maybe you should head on over to the home birth board and ask all of the ladies some of the questions and worries your hubby has about home birth.... maybe it could help... IDK... just was thinking... good luck... and I still think TO HELL WITH THEM!!! do what you WANT AND NEED!!! HUGE HUGS!!!

[cydonia1978]

Oh Cheryl! I'm late to this cuz of the holidays too but I wanted to jump in and add my support! Your doctor sounds so unreasonable. And I'm so sad to hear the midwives are all booked up! Did you try that other group that's local?? You're making me think I should call them and book now before even getting pg!

My advice, assuming you could get a midwife at all, would be to wait and see how your pregnancy is progressing. If things are going well and there are no complications then you should definitely go with your heart and do a home birth! Yeah, first time birth is apparently quite difficult and hard.. but it's supposed to be a natural thing and should be fine if all is well. But in the case of emergency, how close are you to the hospital? And I'm not sure what it feels like, your fear of the hospital, but do you feel confident that you would be okay with going there if there was a problem?

I'm really crossing my fingers for you that you find a midwife somehow!! Either way (home or hospital) I think one would be much better for you than that doctor.

I'd hope that your family would come together to help you even if you had a home birth... and I know we just met recently.. but if you need a girlfriend you know where I am! And if I could be there for you to help with a home birth, I would try to be.

[MarinaAndCharlie'sMommy]

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this Cheryl. I think the other girls touched on just about any advice I would give. I do have one bit to offer though, have you thought about hiring a doula. A doula is a wonderful support system and is trained to help you relax and be a support person for you. I was just thinking since you do no feel supported that maybe a doula who is specifically there for that purpose might be an option for you. I hope you are able to get things worked out and that you get the birth you want. We are all here for you whatever you need.