[Cheryl_W]

Okay ladies, I'm sure many of you have been here... And by "here" I mean "what happens when you mix post-partum hormones with sleep deprivation and DH doing something dumb". *sigh*

I basically just need to vent, but this is driving me crazy. DH is back to work (this is his 2nd week back now) and things were going great the first couple of days... He'd come home and get his snuggle time with us, we'd all relax and have a nice evening, and he'd call me during the day to check on us girls and make sure we were doing well. Then, things started to change...

First, he started carpooling and driving two of his friends to work every day. Which is fine, except that they hang out with him in his truck at lunch and on breaks, and they're loud and hold his attention. So, goodbye loving phonecalls.

Then, he stopped helping around the house so much. Getting him to take out the garbage or cook dinner was like pulling teeth, IF he did it at all without getting distracted. So goodbye housework help.

Then, we instituted a diaper change rule - momma does it ALL week while he's at work and while he's sleeping, so daddy changes diapers evenings and weekends. Worked great for a day or two, and now THAT is like pulling teeth. So goodbye diaper help.

By the end of the week, finances were getting a little tight. Most of my clients hadn't scheduled any work for right now because I was supposed to still be on mat leave until next Monday (but baby was born early, so I went back early.) No work coming in. So he starts constantly complaining about how he doesn't have any money to buy or do anything *he* wants to do. Goodbye any chance of relaxing while baby is sleeping.

I let him sleep during the week while I get up to feed baby without requesting his help, because he has to go to work (which was something I originally said, and I'm fine with it) - and we had agreed that Saturday nights, he would do the baby stuff so I could get some extra sleep other than feeding her. But of course, Saturday night rolled around and he slept right through - even slept in until 11AM - while I did everything myself. Goodbye sleep until she weans...

Add to that the fact that *he* is complaining about being tired, when he doesn't even get up with me or keep me company while I'm up for hours feeding her, the constant questions about when more money is coming in, the eye-rolls when I ask him to do something around the house to help me, and the complete lack of affection he's showing towards me right now - kissing baby goodbye in the morning, then giving me a peck on the cheek on the way out the door as an afterthought - and you get one tired, frustrated, unhappy momma.

I just don't get it. He promised me that he would help, he promised me that he would do it without a fight, and he swore that he would never neglect *our* relationship - I don't. The only reason he had to come to me for a kiss this morning is because baby was fussy nursing, and I didn't want to get up and risk her coming off the boob.

He's even sat there, in front of me, getting phonecalls from friends asking if he wants to do something and actually said "no, I have to stay at home with wife and baby, Cheryl's tired..." Well ONE, if that's how you feel I really don't need you to stay home with me, and TWO, thanks for the guilt trip *****-munch.

And THEN, he promises his friends an old computer that we had laying around since theirs got stolen - and said "Yeah, don't worry - my wife will get it running again." So I had to spend 6 hours yesterday, and more time today, completely overhauling this computer for HIS friends. I actually had to reboot the computer with my foot while nursing, because he wouldn't even help!

Is it just my hormones? Am I overreacting? I just thought I'd be getting more support and help right now, and I'm really getting nothing. He won't even get baby out of her crib ONCE during the week, OR Friday night, to bring her to me to nurse - and yet he has the nerve to complain that he's tired.

*sigh* Thanks for listening to me vent, I'm just feeling so frustrated right now... I don't even know what to do with myself. I knew the first 8 weeks would be hard, but this is just crazy feeling like I don't have any support...

[MommaLee]

No, I definitely don't think it is your hormones. I went through something like that during week two....it wasn't as bad, but dh just didn't know what to do, so Julie would be screaming and instead of trying other methods to calm her....he'd just let her scream and answer his phone. So then I'd have to stop whatever I was doing...showering, brushing my teeth, etc. and come get her.

It was really exhausting because I was holding her basically 20 hours a day. And he was on FMLA too, so he was home....just kicking back watching the world cup, talking on his phone, or playing on the computer. Now, I love Julie, but I needed a bit of a break too. At least, let me finish a shower!

Matt's thing was....she is content with you, so I'll just let you take care of her. But now that she is older, she is ALOT easier to manage. I still do bedtime and do all the overnight stuff, plus I get all the daycare stuff together but dh helps with everything else without a problem.

It may just be he is having a harder time dealing with the change. Hopefully, he will come around. Even if you have to get on his butt again.

[jbhonea]

Aww. I don't usually post on this board...but that is exactly how I felt...and still do sometimes 6 and a half months later. My dh does help, but most of the time I have to ask him to do everything. I think in the beginning our men don't realize what a life changing 'round the clock job it is to care for a newborn. My dh wasn't getting up when the baby cried in the middle of the night because he truly didn't hear her. I shake him awake now, and let him take care of her every once in a while. If I need a nap, I tell him so and it's his responsibility to take care of Lilah when I'm asleep. Dh and I have had some really bad fights about my feeling like I do everything, and that his life hasn't changed one bit. But I have a hard time asking for help. So, I ask him for help, he offers more and I remind myself and him that we're partners in this. I hope you can get it resolved. The first month was the absolute hardest for us. Hang in there.

[Cheryl_W]

Thanks ladies... I just give up so easily on getting his help when he starts to fight it - it just isn't worth the argument to get the dishes done, you know?

Speaking of which, I'd better get on those... *sigh*

[Oreobaby]

DH and I had some issues at the beginning too...it didn't help that my mom was here for two weeks, and she did everything so he had it WAY EASY!!! So anyway, we had a discussion after my mom left, and like your DH he was helpful for a bit, and then went to the well I work all day. At which point, I left him alone with Rayanne. I think sometimes men are dense...and they don't realize just how much work it is to look after a baby alone. They think it's a peice of cake...and until they have the time with them alone, they don't realize what it's like. Is there any chance you could leave DH alone with her for a while, so that he could get a "taste" of exactly what your day is like. I know it will be tough to leave her, cause it was for me to leave her too, but sometimes I think that's the only way they will understand.



I should correct myself...mom didn't do everything, and it's not like DH didn't help when he was home, and when my mom was here...but my mom did most of the cleaning cause I couldn't, and so kelly didn't have to help with the cooking and cleaning, just help with Rayanne.

[fromustobaby]

My DH looked after the baby for 6 straight weeks during the day between 2-3 months, and got practically nothing done at all because Kaiden is the most high maintenance baby ever...so now, when I'm home, he KNOWS how hard it is - and Kaiden has been screaming lately - not crying, just screaming...ugh! That really helped me a lot. that he understands...
Before that, he had no clue at all...

DHs need a bit more adjusting to baby, but I definitely think that you need to talk it out a bit to make sure that he understands what the problem is...

[Cheryl_W]

See, I wish I could give him just ONE day. Just one! But I'm EBF, and we're using that as birth control so I can't go more than 6 hours without nursing her. Leaving for a whole day? Not even possible. *sigh*

I will be giving him a taste of what its like when we can finally introduce the bottle, though. All of a sudden Saturday nights and Sundays will be the day that DADDY does 99% of everything by himself. Including housework, and 2-3 hours of office work. Just so he can see...

It takes a major multitasker to be a mom without help - like right now even, I'm NAK. The computer I was fixing for his friends, I was NAK almost the whole time and even did some typing with my FOOT to get it finished.

Izzy had one of her tough nights last nite, too. We put her to bed at 10, we went to bed at 11 (but I didn't get to sleep until 11:30 because she was fussing, and I stayed awake to see if she woke up all the way or went back to sleep...) 2 hours later at 1:30, she wakes me up to eat - and refuses to go back to sleep until 3:30. DH's alarm goes off at 4:30, he leaves at 5, and Izzy woke me up at 6 to feed her again - and just laid down. It's 7:45. Now, she isn't nursing that whole time, there are diaper changes and burpings involved, but she's going through a growth spurt right now so she cluster feeds for 60-90 minutes or more. So I got a grand total of 4 hours of broken sleep last night, which is actually MORE than normal. Normally it is 2, maybe 3 hours - and then I get up and run the house and take care of baby all day, because if I don't do all this stuff, no one will.

And he wonders why I'm so tired...

[Oreobaby]

I have never left Kelly at home all day, but I did leave him long enough that I could go see a movie, about three hours. I think if you could even just leave him for an hour or so right after you feed her, he would get a taste of what it would be like, go for a walk. Clear your head? I hope that he realizes just how hard it is soon.

[fromustobaby]

I'm NAKing too
I EBF also, but I have a pump...
you can get a manual pump pretty cheap, pump one side while she eats the other side...build up about 4 oz. (should only take a day or so) and then take a 2 hour break and let him go at it...if you feed her right before you leave and pump the other side as she is nursing, you should be fine as far as food for her...Kaiden is still eating every 2 hours btw...today, I pumped 4oz. on one side as I fed him on the other side, so that we could go out to a movie tonight for our anniversary (his first babysitter ever)...

Even the best mommies need a little bit of a break...

[MommaLee]

What is NAK?

I left dh home with Julie for a few hours a week or so after giving birth. I had to go to the grocery store. Let's just say, we all better off not letting dh do the grocery shopping

He watches her by himself on fridays, since he is off and never has any issues cause he knows what to do and he takes her places. He did learn his lesson two weeks ago taking her up to his office.....he didn't feed her before they left and she screamed ALL the way up to his office (which is in the adjoining city) and he had run inside, hand her off to a coworker and make her a bottle quickly! HAHAHA. He was just commenting at lunch that he won't make that mistake this friday when he goes and gets his check.

Even though he goes to work an hour earlier than I do, he NOW offers to help in the mornings when she gets up more than once. Typically, he'll ask if I need help with anything before I leave and unless I'm running behind, he is off the hook.

I do take advantage though...when he is home kicking it back in his manroom and I need something - I will call for him to get it so I don't have to - normally I don't do it unless she is going to sleep or I know she is going to scream for more to eat.

[amazing_love]

I agree that men don't understand how difficult it really is until they are left alone with the baby. I've left DH twice, once to go to a concert and the other to get my hair done. The first time when i came back home he told me he understood why i wasn't able to get much done because Camden requires so much time. The second time he had a really hard time because Cam was crying most of the time. So i think he understands to an extent. He is very helpful but i do still do most things even when he's home. I think a lot of that is because i'm just so used to doing it and i'm also a bit of a control freak. lol. Putting Cam to bed for instance has been such a struggle since he was born and lately it's been so great that i guess i'm nervous if i have DH do it then there will be a meltdown (from Cam that is ) I do try to let DH have one-on-one time taking care of him but i should probably let him do more than he's doing...

BTW- Breastfeeding is not a super reliable form of birth control. just saying

[Oreobaby]

I don't know what NAKing is either. I hope that your DH realizes soon Cheryl.

[~* Liss *~]

ok - i had to google NAK - it's Nursing at Keyboard!

I SOOOO hear ya girls! My DH thinks that I can do EVERYTHING while Nikolas sleeps and that he doesn't need my constant attention!

[Oreobaby]

I guess I PAK lol...pumping at keyboard!!! lol

[amazing_love]

I used to NAK but now Camden gets too distracted by the computer screen! lol.

[Cheryl_W]

Re: the birth control... we've done our homework and know the rules of BFing as birth control, and the risks - as long as she's less than 6 months old, never goes more than 6 hours without eating, and I haven't had a PP period yet, we've only got a 1-2% chance of getting pregnant (about the same as the pill and condoms) - add in the fact that I've only Oed 3 times in the last 3 years anyway, and we feel okay with it for now. Most pregnancies while BFing are the result of trying to get baby to sleep through the night, from what I've seen - and if that isn't the case, they happen about as often as women who go on the pill right away and get pregnant. We've accepted the risks, and know that we have to use something else before she hits 6 months

and yes, NAK = nursing at keyboard LOL - takes talent!

I've left DH at home alone with baby in between feedings a few times, but it sucks! Not because I miss her too much (which I do, but that isn't the problem...) The issue is, she is such a good, quiet baby that every time I leave her with him, he doesn't have to do ANYthing! I even left her last night - fed her, went to the store, and went to my moms. Gone for just over an hour. She slept quietly the whole time, and he sat on the couch watching TV as if she wasn't even there.

When I got home, we had a good long talk about how he's going to have to pick up more around here - including the words "I'm serious about this, if you don't start helping more I'm going to snap and it isn't going to be pretty! PAY ATTENTION HERE - YOU NEED TO HELP ME MORE."

And he did try to help a bit more last night, so we'll see how long this lasts... I also made him promise to stay up with me while she nurses on Saturday nights to keep me company. All he has to do is sit there and stay awake, so we'll see how well he does. Maybe THAT is the wakeup call he needs!

Good to know I'm not alone in this though... I mean, it sucks for you gals, too - but at least I'm not the only one going through it.

[amazing_love]

I hope you don't think i was judging you in any way Cheryl. You've obviously done your research. I've just heard so many stories of women getting pregnant because they were only using BF as birth control and in their cases it was probably because they were not well educated on it or maybe they just fell in the 1-2% range.

I'm so glad to hear your DH has been more helpful lately!!

[fromustobaby]

Originally Posted by Cheryl_W

I've left DH at home alone with baby in between feedings a few times, but it sucks! Not because I miss her too much (which I do, but that isn't the problem...) The issue is, she is such a good, quiet baby that every time I leave her with him, he doesn't have to do ANYthing! I even left her last night - fed her, went to the store, and went to my moms. Gone for just over an hour. She slept quietly the whole time, and he sat on the couch watching TV as if she wasn't even there.

LOL, I should let you borrow Kaiden for an hour...we had a babysitter for the first time, and lets just say, the child is definitely a handful...

[Gray_baby]

EBF can definitely work as BC as long as you follow the "rules" and you've obviously done your homework. A lot of women think all they have to do is BF but that's not the only trick. I didn't have a PP period until my DD was 7 months old and we're not using any BC, so it can definitely work.

As for your DH wanting to give his friend a computer - I would have let him do the work. If he wants to get it up and running and give it away then he needs do the work. You've got enough on your hands with a newborn.

It gets better sweetie. I felt like I was in a fog of sleep deprivation for the first 4 to 6 months but once my DD slept more than 6 months in a row at night I started feeling more normal again. I agree with the other girls, let your DH stay with your DD for a couple of hours - I know it's hard while EBF but even just a couple of hours and he'll see a small bit of what you do all day.

Good luck!

[Cheryl_W]

Good to hear there are other mommas who used EBF as birth control I'm even nervous about introducing an occasional bottle (we're talking once or twice a month, just so that WHEN we finally want her to be babysat by grandma and grandpa she will still take a bottle, but no more than 6 hours between actual nursing sessions...) technically because it isn't more than 6 hours between feedings, it is following the rules - but its a bit scary LOL

DH couldn't have done the work on the computer if his life depended on it. I think he knows more about the space shuttle than he does about computers, and he's no rocket scientist... LOL

Unfortunately after one day of him trying to be nice and helpful, we're back to things as usual. Not only did I have several "I give up" moments last night and today with him not helping (including him actually SCOLDING me for not changing a dirty diaper sooner... hello, she was sleeping, and I was barely alive let alone awake. I was NOT going to wake her up and start nursing all over again after doing it for over an hour - hence her diaper not getting changed!) but he kept getting mad at me for not wanting to go to this event today...

I didn't want to go because I was going to have to sit alone in our vehicle to nurse baby when she got hungry - this event was going to have over 200 judgemental old people in attendance (some of which still made me mad, suggesting I should bottle feed, giving me disgusting looks when they realized how young she was and I brought her out of the house, giving me disgusting looks when they realized how recently I'd had a baby and that *I* was allowed out of the house, etc...) NIP was just not an option, and it was going to be miserable, lonely, stressful, and uncomfortable - and he didn't get it.

Of course, while I was getting dumped on with "sage advice" from the peanut gallery and stuck alone in a vehicle nursing our daughter for over an hour, he was getting all kinds of compliments, admiration, affection, and attention poured on him for his beautiful baby girl. Of course he doesn't get it, *he* doesn't have to go through it!

And now, after I finally nursed her to sleep and put her in her crib (myself), put everything away from her diaper bag (myself), cleaned up the living room (myself), put away his stuff from work yesterday (myself), and fed the cat (myself) - all while he was distracted downstairs on Facebook when he was supposed to be doing something else - *he* has gone to bed. Because he's tired. Didn't even say good night.

Hello, wit's end? It's me - Cheryl. Yeah, I'll be there in about 5 minutes, depending on traffic AND MY IDIOT HUSBAND. <end rage>

@Krista - oh no, I definitely wasn't offended, just explaining because we've gotten that a lot about using BFing as birth control no worries, you're too much of a sweetie for me to think you were trying to be mean!

@Tonya - lemmie think on that one... umm, no thanks - he's cute an all, but if he's a handful, you can keep him I'll stick with Izzy for now - she's sound asleep in her crib, after sleeping for 3 hours in the arms of various people and nursing for 20 minutes when we got home. she is such an awesome baby...