Need some major advice!

Hopingfor1soon · #1 December 30th, 2010, 11:16 AM

So my mom and I have a very interesting love/hate relationship. But I have a feeling it is about to get worse. Anyways, long story short, my mom is a smoker. Me personally I cannot stand it, and my husband is the same way. I have tried talking to my mom about quitting, so have my sisters, my dad, her mom, etc....she always says she is going to start trying on this day or whatever, but never does...always has an excuse why she cant and she is very defensive when you bring up her smoking with her. Well when DH and I found out we were pregnant we started limiting the amount of time we go to the house (it is like a smoked filled bar) and the contact we have with her. I also told her that unless she stops smoking her contact with the baby will be limited because second and third hand smoke is actually way worse than the first hand crap she is doing to herself. Well, its getting super close to delivery and nothing has changed...she hasnt tried to quit at all. I have already made arrangements with my sisters to get around this. (They are 14 and 16 and still live at home) I feel so bad for them because they have no control over the fact that all their clothes are smoke filled so we will be buying them each a couple outfits to keep here for when they come to see the baby. I know it wont completely take away the smoke, but I feel so bad for them that I cant tell them they cant see their nephew, and the same goes for my dad. But I feel like I need to address the issue to my mom again. Make her see what she is doing is wrong and if she doesnt change she wont get to see her grandson. So my question is how should I handle this with her?

How far is taking it too far?

And is it fair the way I am handling it with the rest of my family?

It is just so frustrating that she doesnt care enough about anyone else to change or even try to change!

KDD · #2 December 30th, 2010, 11:22 AM

I'm so grateful that no one in my family smokes! If anyone did they would be forbidden from smoking in my home (people already are), and I wouldn't go to their house with my baby. It's just not worth the risk.

Mrs.Paradise · #3 December 30th, 2010, 12:20 PM

I agree with Kim and you!!! good for you for sticking to your guns!!! I wouldnt allow her to be any where near my son while she stinks like a smoke shack... its not worth it... I dont know how your mom is... so Im not sure I would be able to give you the best advice on whats to far... and how to tell her... I mean you have repeatedly told her that you didnt want her to be around your son if she is smoking... I mean come on... how can she argue with you? you are giving her an option and shes making her decision and you are making yours!!! HUGE SUPER DUPER FREAKING BIG FAT GIANT MONSTER HOOKER FANGBANGER

you are doing the right thing...

JessMitch · #4 December 30th, 2010, 02:39 PM

Frankly, i don't think you are taking this far enough! One of the ways to prevent SIDS is to keep the baby away from second hand smoke. I would not bring the baby to your moms house if i were you and when she comes over there should be a no smoking rule until she leaves. I mean, i guess it would be okay for her to smoke outside but don't think she's just going to get handed the baby once she steps back inside. SIDS scares the crap out of me and if keeping my baby away from second hand smoke is going to help then i am going to do it!

And as a former smoker (i quit last December) I would take no offense to this because even smokers are aware of how dangerous their habit is. Actually, no one knows better than a smoker. So she shouldn't take it personally if you don't want your baby around that smoke.

Maybe you can give her some info on SIDS and second hand smoke... show her that it's not just about the smell or anything, but that its an actual cause for serious concern! (other than the obvious, cancer etc) Try to show her that you aren't judging her for being a smoker, that's her business, but it is YOUR business when it comes to a smoker being around your son.

Mrs.Paradise · #5 December 30th, 2010, 02:51 PM

Jess I didnt know that about smoke and sids... good to know!!! I would do that!!!

Tammyms · #6 December 30th, 2010, 03:23 PM

I don't have advice on how to address it with your mom, but wanted to say I support you fully on how you're handling it! You're not denying her the right to see her grandbaby, you are giving her an option and it is the right option! No one should be smoking in your home, and I wouldn't bring my baby to a smoke filled home either. You're also not denying anyone seeing the baby, it's just on healthy terms! Just wanted to say good luck with your mom!

mlyster · #7 December 30th, 2010, 05:30 PM

My mom is a smoker so I have a bit of an idea what you are going through. She has tried to quit and just has not been able to. BUT when my sister announced she was pregnant my mom instituted a rule. No smoking in the house. She is a smoker and she goes outside at her own home to smoke. NO ONE smokes in the house anymore. and have not for over 2 years now. I have no problem taking Connor to her place knowing they (BIL too) go outside to smoke. Perhaps that is something she will be willing to do in order to see her grandchild - and for the health of her 2 teenage children.

Not knowing your mom I have no real advice on how to bring it up (again) in a way that will make something change. Also, it was my mom's decision to make this kind of change at her place so we never had to have the discussion.

MommaLee · #8 December 31st, 2010, 06:07 AM

I agree, I avoid all smokers when we are walking into places. I will make a big circle around them and go to another entrance if possible to avoid people smoking outside places.

Also, be firm about it. Our family is not close....and I have at times been harsh on my mom. But she KNOWS how to push my buttons and does it often. I have asked her to leave and told her not to call - that is another issue that I won't get into. Long story short, my mom was hoping for a needy daughter that needed constant advice and it wasn't that way.

Hopingfor1soon · #9 December 31st, 2010, 09:12 AM

Thanks for all your support ladies!!

Jess that is a great idea. Now I need to go research and find some articles on SIDS and second and third hand smoke. Then Ill at least have something to back up what I am saying!

Thanks again!

MommyPoky · #10 December 31st, 2010, 09:21 PM

Here is an article about SIDS that mentions tobacco as a risk factor: Triple Risk Model First Candle

That being said, you aren't telling her she can never see the baby, right? Just that the baby won't be going into a smoke filled house and she can't smoke in your house? That seems perfectly reasonable to me.

#11 January 1st, 2011, 09:57 AM

Unfortunately my DH and my parents smoke. Luckily my parents do NOT smoke in their house (they have a screened in porch in the back yard) and I do not allow DH to smoke in the house (and he's never shown any interest in doing so)

DH will be required to wash his hands before holding the kiddos, and same goes for my parents. I would never allow my kids to be in an environment where people were smoking indoors. I mean, you might as well take them to a bar

When I was 8 years old, my mom promised me she was going to stop smoking...that was almost 19 years ago

So I feel your pain!

Hopingfor1soon · #12 January 3rd, 2011, 12:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MommyPoky

Here is an article about SIDS that mentions tobacco as a risk factor: Triple Risk Model First Candle

That being said, you aren't telling her she can never see the baby, right? Just that the baby won't be going into a smoke filled house and she can't smoke in your house? That seems perfectly reasonable to me.

Thank you for sharing the article!!
And yep you are right. I am not saying she can never see her grandson. Just that he will not be coming over to their house as long as it is smoked in and she isnt allowed to smoke at mine (which is already a rule). And also that she has to wash her hands and change her shirt before she can hold the baby if she has been smoking.

And Brandi I have heard the same promise a million times...yep 20+ years later..nothing! lol

Right now she isnt talking to me at all because I refused to go over to their house for New Years Eve, but I did invite them here. I told her the reason I didnt want to go is because I didnt think it was very healthy for me to be sitting in the smoke 8 months pregnant and trying to get over a nasty cold. Cause whenever I do go there I end up even more sick than I was. Needless to say I guess that severely offended her and now she wont even speak to me at all.