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Taking away extra curricular activities as a punishment?


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  #21  
September 22nd, 2010, 10:10 PM
tiredmom's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I think it really depends on what you are disciplining them for; and the punishment should fit the crime. I’m not a parent of a teenager yet, but I would find it a pretty bleak situation if taking away outside playtime, computer time, cell phone time and all the rest weren’t working. For my kids, at their current ages, and I suspect for quite some time to come, being involved in sports activities is something I really want to encourage and get them interested in, and part of that is teaching them to be committed to that activity. I.e. When my 4 year old doesn’t want to do his swim lesson, I talk to him about how important it is to continue trying, and how important that skill is, and to earn the respect of his instructors, yada yada yada. Telling him he couldn’t do the swim lesson, even if he really wanted to would defeat my current goals. And as someone who, myself, gave up on extracurricular activities too easily when I was in high school, I wouldn’t want to make it easy for my kids to do the same. I think the only way I would take away those activities would be if they were having trouble keeping grades up because they were spending too much time at practice. And only then if taking away their other goofing off with friends or TV time didn’t work.
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  #22  
September 22nd, 2010, 10:21 PM
Jintana's Avatar Dragoness
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I hope my kid doesn't play sports 'cause I kind of don't like them

My mom probably agreed with this standpoint. She didn't take away the privileges (because I was all paranoid about not getting in trouble) but she definitely prized academic performance above all else. But when I got to high school and tried to enter extracurricular activities, I felt very left out and quickly quit. And colleges most definitely prize the extracurricular activities you take part in when you apply. Of course, not to the exclusion of one's academic achievements, but they're a big part of being "well-rounded," which I kind of wasn't.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AMDG View Post
I think they are related. Activities are extra curricular - meaning above and beyond basic school obligations. School is a must - nothing extra about it. So, it follows that if you can't complete your school work, or perform at a certain level in school than you probably shouldn't have time for EXTRA activities.
Most schools prohibit students from playing sports if their grades drop below a certain level anyway.
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  #23  
September 22nd, 2010, 10:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jintana View Post
My thought is that if taking away privileges isn't working, then the form of punishment that involves taking away privileges is likely not for that child. There is a disconnect in communication somewhere if a child is willing to risk losing privileges after having lost them already.



IMO, I find taking away extracurriculars due to poor school performance (or whatever infraction) to be somewhat unrelated to the crime and probably not for us. I view it sort of like withholding sex from a spouse because you want him to help around the house more.
I absolutely think they are related. If a kid finds out that they can slack off or act bad in (insert activity here, such as school, homework, home activities, talking back to parents, being defiant, etc) and yet still be able to go to soccer after skipping school they are going to learn that they can still do fun things without living up to their obligations. Why should a kid go to school when he hates it if he isn't punished by taking away something he likes. If taking away the phone/weekend fun/etc... doesn't work but taking away soccer or other activity does... then it should be taken away for them acting that way. Gives them initiative to work for what they love.
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  #24  
September 23rd, 2010, 04:12 AM
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Oh, I hated when my mom would make me miss one of my activities because I did something wrong. The worst was when I had to miss one of my hockey games because of my behavior, she still made me go but told the coach what I'd done and he agreed to bench me. So I had to sit there and watch my teammates play and know everyone knew I had screwed up. Yeah, I behaved after that. I also wasn't allowed to go a dance practice once because I mouthed off to my dad. That just sucked, I was all behind next practice and when I told my teacher why I wasn't there her exact words were "Guess you better behave next time, or you won't be in the recitial", I didn't mouth off anymore.

It really only works if the kids actually wants to do the activity. If you've put them in soccer and they don't like it, making them miss it won't upset them. But when you've got a kid who is really into their sport, or team, or whatever it is, making them miss, and making sure the coach/teacher/ect knows why, now that's a punishment they won't forget.
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  #25  
September 23rd, 2010, 04:54 AM
sunshine411's Avatar Let's go MAVS!!!!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tiredmom View Post
I think it really depends on what you are disciplining them for; and the punishment should fit the crime. I’m not a parent of a teenager yet, but I would find it a pretty bleak situation if taking away outside playtime, computer time, cell phone time and all the rest weren’t working. For my kids, at their current ages, and I suspect for quite some time to come, being involved in sports activities is something I really want to encourage and get them interested in, and part of that is teaching them to be committed to that activity. I.e. When my 4 year old doesn’t want to do his swim lesson, I talk to him about how important it is to continue trying, and how important that skill is, and to earn the respect of his instructors, yada yada yada. Telling him he couldn’t do the swim lesson, even if he really wanted to would defeat my current goals. And as someone who, myself, gave up on extracurricular activities too easily when I was in high school, I wouldn’t want to make it easy for my kids to do the same. I think the only way I would take away those activities would be if they were having trouble keeping grades up because they were spending too much time at practice. And only then if taking away their other goofing off with friends or TV time didn’t work.
I am the same way actually and just the opposite of what you are saying has happened. My girls do not HAVE to participate in sports, it's completely their choice. But, if they said they wanted to do an activity and then decided later they didn't want to, too bad, you still have to go. You made a commitment to a team and the team needs everyone there or it won't function correctly. The rule in our house is, you don't miss practice or a game because you don't feel like going. If you are sick, or we are going to be out of town and couldn't get around missing one, or you have a school event, fine I get that. Betsy wants to come over and play and you don't want to go? No ma'am, you are going.


My oldest daughter who is now 11, started soccer when she was 5. It is by far the most important thing in her life. She lives, eats and breathes soccer. She loves practice, games everything about it and doesn't ever whine or complain about wanting to go. That said, there was one time that all her friends were going swimming and she really really wanted to go. I told her she could go swimming after practice if there was time, but she was not missing practice to hang out with her friends, she knew the rules. "What if everyone just decided to go swimming today instead of going to practice, do you think Coach Josh would be very happy about that?" "He take time out of his day to help you girls, wouldn't it be pretty disrespectful to just not show up and leave him there waiting for everyone?" I got a "yes ma'am" a pouty face and she didn't talk to me all the way to practice. You know what tho, I picked her up afterward and she was the same happy, excited girl she always is after practice. She loves the sport and just because every once in a great while I have to keep her on track because she is a kid, with kid emotions, doesn't mean I have undone everything I've been teaching her about committment.

ETA: I just reread what I wrote. In my first paragraph I wrote "a team needs everyone there or it won't function properly" so that is why my kids have to go and can't skip will nilly. Now the flip side of that is if you mess up enough that I am taking away practice or a game and the team doesn't function well, it's on you and not me and I am hoping it will teach them to be responsible to themselves and their team. (Didn't want it to come across like I was contradicting myself from my previous posts.)
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Last edited by sunshine411; September 23rd, 2010 at 04:58 AM.
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  #26  
September 23rd, 2010, 09:28 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jess is Write View Post
My son will be required to maintain a certain GPA in order to participate in extracurriculars. I also will not hesitate to make him miss a game for a behavior issue. I'm not the one who is hurting his team; he is.
Exactly

Quote:
Originally Posted by RTMOM View Post
It would definitely depend, if missing a game/practice would effect the team. Then no, I wouldn't do it. It wouldn't be fair to punish the other kids. I would find another way to punish my kids.
What happens though if nothing else works and its a last resort.

Quote:
Originally Posted by StaceyC View Post
I will revoke any and all privileges at my discretion, regardless of how it might impact the team.

My primary responsibility, as a parent, is to base my decisions on my child's best interest. If I am going to equip my child with the necessary discipline to achieve both short and lng term success, they will have to experience and understand that actions and choices are accompanied by consequences and, at times, your choices can have a negative impact on other people. The moral of the story could be: no man is an island.

As a parent, *I* don't have an obligation to the team's success. My primary obligation is doing what is necessary for my child's success.
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  #27  
September 23rd, 2010, 09:38 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jintana View Post
My thought is that if taking away privileges isn't working, then the form of punishment that involves taking away privileges is likely not for that child. There is a disconnect in communication somewhere if a child is willing to risk losing privileges after having lost them already.



IMO, I find taking away extracurriculars due to poor school performance (or whatever infraction) to be somewhat unrelated to the crime and probably not for us. I view it sort of like withholding sex from a spouse because you want him to help around the house more.
To the bolded that is not always true. Say for Kids like Jay some things are more meaningful to him then others. You could take away tv time, video games etc.. it does not work but maybe sports is what he is really into so that is why the other privileges that were taken away did not work because they were not meaningful to them.
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  #28  
September 23rd, 2010, 10:34 PM
Jintana's Avatar Dragoness
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Milpitas, CA
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Oops, I think I was unclear. I mean that if you've taken away every privilege and it doesn't change behavior (like what you've noticed) then there's no point in just taking away more privileges. Yes, taking away the sport etc. if that's the only motivating activity will be effective in that case. Piling on punishment after punishment == not good.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ctanis View Post
To the bolded that is not always true. Say for Kids like Jay some things are more meaningful to him then others. You could take away tv time, video games etc.. it does not work but maybe sports is what he is really into so that is why the other privileges that were taken away did not work because they were not meaningful to them.
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