[*Dayna*]

Originally Posted by TheMrs

Doesn't being engaged indicate a plan to get married?

Well you would think so, but we've been engaged for over four years and have absolutely no plans.

[Aeterna]

Eh. It doesn't matter to me one bit.

[AMDG]

Originally Posted by Lash

Except that the last massive article I posted, with tons and tons of references were all 2002 and later.

This is all that happens. I can post hundreds of stats, articles, scientific journals, and everyone will come forward with "it's fine, I did it, you are an evil person and you must think we are all going to hell"

Cue the anecdotal stories of cohabitation

Cue the "how can you possibly ever know someone before you live together" spoken repetitively, despite the thousands of years that humans have figured out a way to marry and live "happily ever after" without cohabiting. Somehow we in the 1960's to present day can't figure out a way to do the very thing our ancestors did successfully for the last few CENTURIES.

Well, thanks for the posting the ones you did. I going to get up this morning and try to find some studies but you've done some of my work for me.

I will be encouraging my children to wait until marriage to live with their SOs. I'm not of the belief that it's living with someone that makes you find deal breakers, but time in general.

In the beginning of the relationship, your SO cleans the house from top to bottom before you come over. Six months in, they straighten up a little, maybe do the dishes. After a year, they get comfortable with you knowing they let their dishes get moldy in the sink and rarely mop their floor. You will know these things whether you live with them or not.

I can't think of a possible deal breaker that I couldn't discover without living with my partner.

[*Dayna*]

Originally Posted by Keskes

I will be encouraging my children to wait until marriage to live with their SOs. I'm not of the belief that it's living with someone that makes you find deal breakers, but time in general.

In the beginning of the relationship, your SO cleans the house from top to bottom before you come over. Six months in, they straighten up a little, maybe do the dishes. After a year, they get comfortable with you knowing they let their dishes get moldy in the sink and rarely mop their floor. You will know these things whether you live with them or not.

I can't think of a possible deal breaker that I couldn't discover without living with my partner.

I never thought about it like that, but you're right.

[HappyHippy]

I'll be encouraging it.

DH and I have literally been together since the day we met. It started with me spending the night, and then moving my stuff in, got engaged 3 months later and then married 3 years later. We had joint accounts, things in both our names, etc. To me it was wonderful, worked great for us. To others it might not work out as well. When we first got together we went through some hard times, and I think it made us the strong couple that we are today.

I've seen the statistics and research on couples living together beforhand, and I'm not bothered by them. I think it really depends of the couples expectations and their view and/or commitment to marriage.

I have friends who have been with their partners for close to 10 years and have no plans to get married, they also have kids. Whatever works for them.

[tiredmom]

Originally Posted by Lash

I post journal articles, you post USA today. And yet this is considered comparable and has the ability to "refute" journal articles.

I post the CDC stats, journals, and a history of science. UsaToday somehow refutes the findings of the CDC.

We can just disagree on this one. But I will add that the USA Today article was reporting on the release of the report from the CDC itself. The National Center for Health Statistics is a CDC department.

[sunshine411]

I have no problem with it, considering I am doing it now. I also don't have a problem with my kids doing it if they so choose. I have been married and divorced and can tell you my current relationship is stronger than my marriage ever was. A piece of paper will not change how we live on a daily basis.

Until recently I was actually pretty bitter about marriage and in fact didn't even like the idea of it anymore. When I was getting divorced it occurred to me that because I was married and not just dating my ex, I had to pay, ALOT, to break up with him. I was not happy, at all.

I'm less cynical now, but not running to the altar by any means either.

[Ann_momof2]

What do you think of cohabitation before marriage?
It's a personal choice that each couple needs to make themselves. Personally I went that route before and would never do it again.

Does it show a lack of commitment?
No idea....though I wonder if we do it more to speed up a relationship (so many couples are moving in together within the first few months of knowing one another--and maybe this is more the reason for the "failures")

Is it a sin?
sin--well if you are religious then you would have to look at you bible(etc) and that should tell you if it's a sin.....otherwise it's really on your moral beliefs.

A sensible idea? Does is doom a marriage? What about the kids?
Moreover, what if a couple never plans to marry? Does it become "better" then?
I've seen people who have lived together and have been successful, and I've also seen relationships that started with marriage and still end up in divorce....
When it comes to kids in my area divorce or having kids outside of marriage really seems to be the same in regards to child support/custody etc.

[rose198172]

For us, we believe it is a sin. We didn't cohabitate before marriage, which may have been a reason to uh, move up the wedding just a bit (we were married 7 months from the day we got engaged). I don't think it was a bad idea, but we probably could have used a bit of a trial run - the first few months of marriage were quite interesting, to say the least, but I think it would have been that way if we were just fiance/fiancee when we moved in together.

I don't think any less of people who choose to cohabitate, and I do think that it's a valid choice. I don't think it is a lack of committment - isn't it just as much of an issue to move out of your girlfriend/boyfriend's house as it is to move out of your husband/wife's house? I realize that there is some serious paperwork to go through if you are married that you don't have to do when you're living together. Other than the paperwork, though, I don't think that there's much difference. People jump into marriages pretty fast (thanks to the Navy, I'm seen way too much of this "I knew my husband for 3 weeks before we got married because I wanted to live with him during tech school"), just as much as they jump into moving in with each other. While I don't personally think that marriage is just a piece of paper, I do think that a piece of paper doesn't change your relationship. It shouldn't define your relationship.

And if a couple decides to not ever get married, that's perfectly fine. I have no issues with other people living together before marriage, or without marriage if they choose to never marry. It just wasn't for us.

[Babybear4]

Originally Posted by Keskes

I will be encouraging my children to wait until marriage to live with their SOs. I'm not of the belief that it's living with someone that makes you find deal breakers, but time in general.

In the beginning of the relationship, your SO cleans the house from top to bottom before you come over. Six months in, they straighten up a little, maybe do the dishes. After a year, they get comfortable with you knowing they let their dishes get moldy in the sink and rarely mop their floor. You will know these things whether you live with them or not.

I can't think of a possible deal breaker that I couldn't discover without living with my partner.

What about somebody who lives with their parents? They don't clean up their own crap, they don't cook their own food, and you have no idea that when they move out, they will miss living with their mother so badly that they can't even attempt to make the marriage work unless their spouse welcomes their mother into their lives, even after she has done extremely hurtful things to said spouse?

FTR, I do not agree with co-habitating before marriage, but I do believe that each person should be living as independently as possible prior to marriage. It's hard to get a good idea of what somebody will be like when they are living with the parents that have cared for them their whole lives.

[Linzie]

Originally Posted by NavyWife1981

For us, we believe it is a sin. We didn't cohabitate before marriage, which may have been a reason to uh, move up the wedding just a bit (we were married 7 months from the day we got engaged). I don't think it was a bad idea, but we probably could have used a bit of a trial run - the first few months of marriage were quite interesting, to say the least, but I think it would have been that way if we were just fiance/fiancee when we moved in together.

I don't think any less of people who choose to cohabitate, and I do think that it's a valid choice. I don't think it is a lack of committment - isn't it just as much of an issue to move out of your girlfriend/boyfriend's house as it is to move out of your husband/wife's house? I realize that there is some serious paperwork to go through if you are married that you don't have to do when you're living together. Other than the paperwork, though, I don't think that there's much difference. People jump into marriages pretty fast (thanks to the Navy, I'm seen way too much of this "I knew my husband for 3 weeks before we got married because I wanted to live with him during tech school"), just as much as they jump into moving in with each other. While I don't personally think that marriage is just a piece of paper, I do think that a piece of paper doesn't change your relationship. It shouldn't define your relationship.

And if a couple decides to not ever get married, that's perfectly fine. I have no issues with other people living together before marriage, or without marriage if they choose to never marry. It just wasn't for us.

Except me and DH happened to live together for 2 months before we got married due to extenuating circumstances. Oops...

[Tammyjh]

Originally Posted by MissTorrieIfYou'reNasty

What do you think of cohabitation before marriage? Does it show a lack of commitment? Is it a sin? A sensible idea? Does is doom a marriage? What about the kids?

Moreover, what if a couple never plans to marry? Does it become "better" then?

As usual, I am going to say that it all depends on the individuals in the relationship. What may doom one couple doesn't necessarily doom another.

My ex and I didn't live together before marriage and we ended up divorced. Dh and I did the weekend shack-up and were pg. before marriage. 11+ yrs. later, we're still together and hope to stay that way. I don't think there's any one right answer for this one.

Originally Posted by Babybear4

What about somebody who lives with their parents? They don't clean up their own crap, they don't cook their own food, and you have no idea that when they move out, they will miss living with their mother so badly that they can't even attempt to make the marriage work unless their spouse welcomes their mother into their lives, even after she has done extremely hurtful things to said spouse?

FTR, I do not agree with co-habitating before marriage, but I do believe that each person should be living as independently as possible prior to marriage. It's hard to get a good idea of what somebody will be like when they are living with the parents that have cared for them their whole lives.

More specifically, I meant a deal breaker FOR ME. I can see that being a deal breaker for someone, but since I do the cleaning and cooking (barring illness or injury), it's not a problem for me. And I wouldn't have married someone who had no idea how to do anything for themselves - that would just be stupid.

You should definitely date someone long enough, and know enough about their life, to know whether they can do their own laundry and aren't completely dependent on their parents. My ex was pretty attached to his mother, and was 100% dependent on them financially (to be fair, we were in college and they were paying his way, he wasn't like 40 or anything), and while there are several reasons we didn't get married.. that was definitely one of them.

I don't think I could marry someone who needed his mother to live with him to feel secure. Ew.

[AMDG]

Originally Posted by Babybear4

What about somebody who lives with their parents? They don't clean up their own crap, they don't cook their own food, and you have no idea that when they move out, they will miss living with their mother so badly that they can't even attempt to make the marriage work unless their spouse welcomes their mother into their lives, even after she has done extremely hurtful things to said spouse?

FTR, I do not agree with co-habitating before marriage, but I do believe that each person should be living as independently as possible prior to marriage. It's hard to get a good idea of what somebody will be like when they are living with the parents that have cared for them their whole lives.

yes, but those are two different issues. DH living with his parents has nothing to do with him living on his own or living with me prior to marriage.

[*Jillian*]

People that don't live together before marriage also tend to be more traditional and/or religious. Therefore, their views on divorce might not be the same as the couple that lived together before marriage.

Just throwing that out there.

[K.A.T]

What do you think of cohabitation before marriage? Doesn't bother me one bit since I did it for 7 years before DH and I got married.

Does it show a lack of commitment? Not for everyone. For some it might for others it may not. When DH and I moved in together, I knew that this was it. However, because of my past I was hesitant to marry again.

Is it a sin? Not in my eyes since I'm not religious. But I know it can be for others.

A sensible idea? It could be.

Does is doom a marriage? Hmm I think it all depends on the couple.

What about the kids? I know that some kids might be bothered by it, especially if they live in an area where it's not common practice. Most kids want their mom and dad to be together like their friends parents maybe.

Moreover, what if a couple never plans to marry? Does it become "better" then? If they never want to marry, then that's on them. It doesn't make it any better than anything.

[MissTorrieIfYou'reNasty]

For my kids, I will neither be encouraging or discouraging it. They can navigate their relationships as they please and I can conceive of a happy outcome for them either way they go.

Now, as far as co-habitation's relationship to divorce, they've clearly established a correlation, but have they established a causation? I'm trying to conceive of logical reasons co-habitation would lead to divorce but am having trouble coming up with anything feasible. If you're going to get sick of your partner, you're going to get sick of them eventually, regardless.

[Tammyjh]

Originally Posted by MissTorrieIfYou'reNasty

Now, as far as co-habitation's relationship to divorce, they've clearly established a correlation, but have they established a causation? I'm trying to conceive of logical reasons co-habitation would lead to divorce but am having trouble coming up with anything feasible. If you're going to get sick of your partner, you're going to get sick of them eventually, regardless.

This is what I have found so far.
Divorce Statistics and Living Together - LoveToKnow Divorce

People who decide to live together may do so with the expectation that it will help them determine whether they will have a successful marriage with their partner. Divorce statistics and living together show that this is not the case. People who decide to live with a partner may also be more likely to divorce if they are unhappy with the relationship after taking vows, since they may have less conservative views of marriage.
During the time the couple lives together, they know that the situation may not be permanent. They divide bills and property in terms of "yours" and "mine," but don't necessarily have the notion that assets belong to both of them. Living together may be more stressful than being married, due to the lack of stability. Even if the couple ultimately decides to make their relationship legal, they may not have developed the foundation they need for a successful marriage.

[Babybear4]

Originally Posted by AMDG

yes, but those are two different issues. DH living with his parents has nothing to do with him living on his own or living with me prior to marriage.

How are they two different issues? What if you DH never lived on his own prior to marrying you? And what if, because of this, you never truly got to know what he would be like to live with? This could certainly cause issues in a marriage.