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I watched a Chris Rock movie last week called "Death at a Funeral" and it got me to start thinking about the whole funeral process. I brought it up talking with DH the other day and emphasized to him that, should I die at a young age, I want religion to play absolutely, positively NO part in the service. All of my friends and close family members know how I feel about Christianity and to go against my wishes and preach the very lies and untruths I live my life against would be the ultimate insult to my life. He shook his head and said, "I don't know how I could prevent a religious service." I insisted, "There must be a way! Let everyone have some moments of silence or something, read a couple of my favorite poems, play a few of my favorite songs, recount some happy memories but DON'T let some strange man stand at a pedestal and drone on and on about how I'm "with the Lord" or "an angel now" or any crap like that!"
Then it occurred to me - I've never, ever seen or been in attendance of a funeral that did not centralize on the Bible. Granted, I live in the Bible Belt and basically every other person down here is old Southern Baptist so perhaps my perspective is skewed so how do other countries and regions honor the dead? Is it Bible verse after Bible verse, speckled with a hearty helping of hymnals where you live or is it dramatically different?
Do we really have the option of personalizing our own "last rites"? Do you think your family would respect your wishes if you request that your interment be significantly different than the standard? How would you do things differently, if you could control the planning? Should we even have such oversight or should we lose the right after we die?
I think funerals are more for the grieving party than for the dead party. (Haha...that sounds kinda funny...) I think you definitely have a right to ask that your funeral be conducted a certain way... but after that, well you just have to hope that they respect your wishes. Cause, well, if they don't, there isn't that much you can do about it.
I'm in the Bible belt too, but I am a Christian and I do find knowing that my father and grandmother are in Heaven comforting. I find the old hymns soul soothing. I have been to one "Christian" service though where I thought "Now that's a little over the top." They had a guitarist (and I use the term loosely because he was awful) that said "Ok everyone clap your hands now." Really! At a funeral!! Geeze. To each his/her own.
You most certainly CAN have a non-religious funeral, IF your family respects those wishes. You can have anyone eulogize your ceremony. Most of the time the non-religious ceremonies I've heard of involved the deceased having been cremated. Then since the "body has been taken care of" (OMG that felt horrible to type out" your loved ones can have a service anywhere they choose. I guess a funeral home can allow the same thing, as those provide *optional* religious services. It's just their job to get the body into the ground.
I dunno, call around to some of your local funeral homes. You are allowed to plan your own funeral and actually you can finance it ahead of time.
Your family should respect your wishes, and paying their respects to you should involve what you would have approved of. I don't know how they can comfort themselves thinking you're at peace if it's something you so strongly do not want. You can have a beautiful ceremony with no mention of God.
I think your husband should organize the funeral (potentially---sheesh this makes me uncomfortable) based on your wishes.
On a funny note: My mother said "when I die, I want you to do me a favor..."
I said "Anything, what is it?"
She said "Please play "Another One Bites the Dust"
I said "Ok"
She said "I am serious, no one else in the family will understand but it's my wishes that everyone celebrate my LIFE more and mourn my death less. Don't let them tell you no"
I know it seems silly, but that's her wish and I will honor her wishes if I am alive and she should pass on. Everyone is different, so I believe their funerals would be different too...
__________________ Lynn
Mom to many
2nd time surrogate & pregnant
It's not mandatory for a religious "leader" (for lack of a better word) be present at anyones funeral. A member of the family can get up and say a few words on behalf of the person if they choose. I've have been to several funerals that took place in the same place the person was waked and consisted of family and friends getting up and telling stories, mostly embarrassing because thats how we roll, prior to going to the cemetery.
My Grandmother planned her entire funeral down to the very last detail. Not because she didn't trust anyone to have it the way she wanted it, but because she didn't want to put the burden on anyone while they were grieving.
I see no reason that you con't have a funeral that would reflect who the person was in life.
As far as planning your own(slightly off topic here), we just rented a movie that is based on a true story of a man who planned his own funeral and attended it while he was still alive so that he could enjoy it. We haven't watched it yet but I hope its good. If I remember, I'll let you know. The name of it is "Get Low" starring Robert Duvall and Sissy Spacek.
__________________
Tammy, Mom to
Abby (19), Kacie (13), Chase (11), & Jacob (7)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "...They're supposed to make you miserable! That's why they're family!" ~ Bobby ~ Supernatural
The family should respect your wishes even after death. I also believe that funerals are for the living, but they are always more meaningful when they are about the person and not some scripture that is applied to everyone that dies.
I think funerals are more for the grieving party than for the dead party. (Haha...that sounds kinda funny...) I think you definitely have a right to ask that your funeral be conducted a certain way... but after that, well you just have to hope that they respect your wishes. Cause, well, if they don't, there isn't that much you can do about it.
I'm in the Bible belt too, but I am a Christian and I do find knowing that my father and grandmother are in Heaven comforting. I find the old hymns soul soothing. I have been to one "Christian" service though where I thought "Now that's a little over the top." They had a guitarist (and I use the term loosely because he was awful) that said "Ok everyone clap your hands now." Really! At a funeral!! Geeze. To each his/her own.
I agree completely with this. It is definitely comforting to know my grandma and grandpa are in Heaven and that when my mommy passes on, if it's before me, that I will see her there. I won't not see her again, if that makes sense. (Yes, I said "my mommy" lol)
To the bolded, omigoodness. I can never understand that. I mean, I understand celebrating the loved one's life. But a funeral isn't the place for that, imo. I think that this is my opinion because I haven't been to very many funerals and the one's I have been to are close loved ones and I was too sad to celebrate their life. Later, after the funeral, I began to enjoy the happy memories and to me, that is celebrating their life. Not singing and dancing at their funeral.
It seems morbid I guess but I think you'd actually be doing your family a great favor by planning your own funeral if you have strong feelings about what you do/don't want. That way they won't have the added stress of trying to figure it out and you can be sure your funeral will be religion-free.
One of my best friends planned her funeral. It was the most beautiful celebration of a life that I have ever been to.
Who is to say what is proper at a funeral? Get over yourselves.
Fo real.
I have been to one funeral and afterward everyone went to the house and ate and kicked back. It was casual, and honestly, it really helped my friend with his mother's death.
Birth and death is unique. None of them are exactly the same and everyone wants to experience them differently.
I have been to one funeral and afterward everyone went to the house and ate and kicked back. It was casual, and honestly, it really helped my friend with his mother's death.
Birth and death is unique. None of them are exactly the same and everyone wants to experience them differently.
There was a keg at the open house after my grand mothers funeral. I'm sure to outsiders it might have looked weird but this has always been the case on my dads side when someone passes. The wake and funeral are somber then the open house everyone eats, drinks and remembers the good times with the one who passed.
It seems morbid I guess but I think you'd actually be doing your family a great favor by planning your own funeral if you have strong feelings about what you do/don't want. That way they won't have the added stress of trying to figure it out and you can be sure your funeral will be religion-free.
I think they should honor your wishes, because I agree, it would be very strange and not true to my life for me to have a religious ceremony because I am not a religious person. The idea of it seems strange, just as the idea of me being married in a church and using religious vows seemed very strange for me because I am not religious (not saying its strange for religious people, but that is felt strange for me since I do not practice religion).
However if they have some sort of problem with following your last wishes (which IMO is pretty selfish) then I dont see a problem in you planning it yourself (though it does seem as though it would be alittle strange to sit there and plan out your funeral). YOUR funeral should be what YOU want it to be, a celebration of your life, how you lived your life, or even just celebrating the time you spent with your friends and family.
I still remember going to my first Catholic funeral, of my aunt (on my step dads side, when i was about 13 or so) and I could not wrap my head around a 6 hour service (probably a little dramatic but that is what it felt like) followed by a party at town hall. However looking back on it, Im glad they did it that way because it helped so many people in the greiving process and was what my aunt wanted. I would never dream of taking that away from someone, no matter how I felt about what they wanted done.
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Thanks so much to Jaidynsmum for my adorable siggy
I've been to a funeral that was totally NOT religious at all. It was nice, a memorial service, held at the funeral hall, not a church. There was a moment of silence, but nothing religious at all. I think if you have it in your will what you want, they should abide by that. I think that if you think it could be an issue (sounds like it could) put it in a will or whatever.
Quote:
Originally Posted by godzgrl4evr
I mean, I understand celebrating the loved one's life. But a funeral isn't the place for that, imo. I think that this is my opinion because I haven't been to very many funerals and the one's I have been to are close loved ones and I was too sad to celebrate their life. Later, after the funeral, I began to enjoy the happy memories and to me, that is celebrating their life. Not singing and dancing at their funeral.
But to each their own.
A funeral isn't a celebration of the person's life? What is it then?
I have really strong views after attending a few of my friends funerals.
When I was 15, my friend Chris passed away. We were encouraged to wear t-shirts of his favorite band, and the service was very much tailored to him. It was religious, but it was not an "OMG Chris would have hated this!" moment.
When my friend Taustin passed away 5 years ago, his family truly made his funeral his own. It was a wonderful, beautiful service. A year after he passed away his new headstone was placed, and his family had a BBQ at their restaurant. We then went to his grave and listened to a CD he mixed as a DJ. His family was really amazing at tailoring the memory of their son to who he really was in services for him.
Those two families made me realize that I do NOT want a strict, stuffy funeral. At all.
This thought was even more solidified 3 years ago when my friend Eddie killed himself. He was one of those very eclectic, lost souls. He led a very different life. His funeral mentioned absolutely nothing about who he was, just some stories of when he was a bit younger and actually attended church camp. The funeral was so religious, and our friend was NOT religious, at all! His parents were very hurt by the person he was, and it made us uncomfortable to be there and talk about him with his parents there that didnt really approve of his lifestyle. I was just sad that the funeral was so unlike him, I think Eddie would be upset at how his life was reflected. I know we all were very upset because it just was not like him.
I've tried to express my wishes for my future funeral, but it skeeves out everyone around me to talk about it. Death doesn't really bug me, at least my own doesn't, I'm going to die someday, I accept that and hope its someday in the very far away future. Very far away. Now dealing with other's mortality, espeicially people like my mom and my BFF, I can't handle, though I can think about it in an abstract "what they'd want" kind of way, just not them not being alive.
Anyways, as far as expressing my wishes I've made it crystal clear I want them to celebrate my life. Talk about all the good times, watch funny movies, listen to my favorite music, make jokes, party! I lived! Isn't that awesome? I'm not saying don't cry. Cry if it helps. Laugh if it helps. Just remember that I lived and that's the best part.
I'm not a religious person, at all. I don't really get religion. I'm very spirtual. I believe in a higher power, I talk to said higher power, but religion, eh. Not me. In all honesty, really not many in my family are (though we claim to be Catholic, we're very bad at it), so I've only attended one religious funeral. A Catholic funeral. For my lapsed Catholic great-grandfather. Afterwards my grandpa looked at my mom and said "He would've hated that. He hated church, hated a big deal being made, that wasn't for him. Now, lets go to the HomeTown and do what he really would've liked, eat!".
Now my grandpa has recently passed and we had to plan his funeral (it was unexpected). The first thing we did was let his alanon club (he was 30 years sober in AA) plan a memorial service that was jut plain amazing. Tons of food, everyone telling stories about how he helped them or funny things he'd done, just everyone getting together to really celebrate his life. My own dad got up and talked about how my grandpa had helped him finally get and stay sober (which did make me burst into tears as I'd never heard the story). Then a few days later we had his funeral, the eulogy was done by the club manager, which was very touching. It was a military funeral as he was a vet, but nothing very religious. We did say the serenity prayer, because it's part of AA which was very important to him. We also had the Patriot Guard there, which was probably the best part, he would've loved that. He was involved with stopping protests at military funerals, and loved motorcycles (though he never rode).
I think it's important to honor the deceased's wishes beause you're remembering their lives. It'd be silly for a religious person to have a non-relgious funeral and vice-versa. If that isn't who they were in life, why should they be remembered that way in death?
. We haven't watched it yet but I hope its good. If I remember, I'll let you know. The name of it is "Get Low" starring Robert Duvall and Sissy Spacek.
10-30-12
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