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  #41  
June 12th, 2011, 04:55 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hey... Where's Perry? View Post
You are sick, like really really mentally sick. You terrify the sh*t out of me.
She's just bitter. It's a shame really that someone who survived cancer is so **** bitter. You would figure that when one is facing down death, they would learn what really matters when it comes to familial relationships and emotional ties. I always thought one would learn to appreciate their loved ones more instead of just themselves. But hey when it's all said and done, we can take comfort in know our families will love us and be there for us in our hour of need. Don't think superwhateverthefreak can say that.
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  #42  
June 12th, 2011, 05:01 PM
Undomesticated Housewife's Avatar Master(de)bater
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If she wasn't so extremely obsessed with her new man, I'd assume she was just detaching herself from everyone emotionally. Nope, not so.
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  #43  
June 12th, 2011, 05:09 PM
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She is ******* scary, man. NO WIRRREEEE HANGERRRSSS! Almost as scary as her. Almost.
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  #44  
June 12th, 2011, 05:10 PM
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I guess I am in the minority here, and I"m sure the you dont have kids flag can come out in a bit, but we were heavily taught in our Masters Program for Marriage and Family Therapy that the marriage must be nurtured first, and is the main priority as long as basic needs are obviously being met.

For instance, if my husband and I need a trip away to reconnect, but our kids want ipods, they can wait. Our trip for our relationship is more important than my children "needing" ipods.

Time taken for the marriage must at times place the children second. They can wait 20 minutes for us to have our conversation, given that they aren't in literal and absolute peril. And most of the time, truly, the children are not going to be in life risking situations. Their "need", be it a sandwich, for me to see the crayon on the wall, or for me to break up their "fight", can come after I've connected with my husband.

I'd say that meeting that need, in that moment, is to reconnect with my husband whom I haven't seen all day, will be higher priority than my 5 year old needing a peanut butter sandwich.
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  #45  
June 12th, 2011, 05:11 PM
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Anyway, it's whoever has the most pressing need at the time is who comes first. For example, if my 2 month old needs to be nursed and my 2 year old needs to eat at the same time, Lily comes first because she doesn't understand the concept of waiting. Chloe on the other hand, understands that she can wait the 5-10 minutes until Lily is done.
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  #46  
June 12th, 2011, 05:14 PM
Lash's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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^ and I'd say the same with my husband. Reconnecting at the end of the day, emotionally, is priority and can come before my 2 year old eating.
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  #47  
June 12th, 2011, 05:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chloe'sMommy View Post
Anyway, it's whoever has the most pressing need at the time is who comes first. For example, if my 2 month old needs to be nursed and my 2 year old needs to eat at the same time, Lily comes first because she doesn't understand the concept of waiting. Chloe on the other hand, understands that she can wait the 5-10 minutes until Lily is done.
Yup.

I understand the need to reconnect with your spouse, but I'm not going to make my child wait for a sandwich. If I do then he'll only bug me about it until I make it for him and I rather get it out of the way and talk to DH then be interrupted a million times while talking to DH. An Ipod is a want, not a need though, so that is totally different.
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  #48  
June 12th, 2011, 05:19 PM
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And there is where boundaries become enforced for me. I either give in, because it's more comfortable for ME to give in and shush the child, or I develop boundaries and they can learn to wait.

I grew up knowing that I could talk or ask questions when adults were done speaking. It wasn't that children were not aloud to speak or be heard, but simply, if adults of any kind were talking, grandparents, family, mom and dad, aunt and uncle, two strangers, I did not interrupt. I could speak when THEY were done.

I somehow survived knowing that children were not allowed to interrupt the conversations and interactions of adults and that my needs could simply wait.

The adults were speaking. I could either sort out the answer myself, or wait until they were done. I respectfully waited, they would notice and finish within a few minutes, or notify me that they saw me and would be done "in a second" and adults were allowed to have conversations without children constantly nagging and interrupting. I never felt put off or like I didn't matter. I just knew it was the boundary.
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  #49  
June 12th, 2011, 05:23 PM
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There is making a child wait and then there is just plain old ignoring a child. There needs to be a middle ground. When one has extreme views, I cannot see how that person has found their middle ground.
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  #50  
June 12th, 2011, 05:25 PM
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I would agree for sure... but I still think the marriage is to be nurtured most of the time and comes as priority as long as children's basic needs, which include love, are met.
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  #51  
June 12th, 2011, 05:25 PM
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I'm working VERY HARD on the concept of "don't talk while Mommy and Daddy are talking." It's a struggle. I thought it would be simple because he is really a respectful child, but his impulse control sucks when it comes to asking questions and wanting to be heard.

I never thought he would be that way...but he is just 3. I am sure I'll get it all down before he is like 5.

It isn't like it isn't a battle though. It is. It is way harder than having the plan to go talk with my husband, but my 3 year old is A.) Excited when daddy comes home B.) Wired because it is the end of the day. C.) a little kid that is just learning to ask about every single thing on planet Earth.

It's tough. That's why I say balance is good. I find that we both kind of tag team Grady's needs so we can get our time together. It works for us.
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  #52  
June 12th, 2011, 05:28 PM
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^ Yeah this is pretty much what I imagine Jillian
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  #53  
June 12th, 2011, 05:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lash View Post
And there is where boundaries become enforced for me. I either give in, because it's more comfortable for ME to give in and shush the child, or I develop boundaries and they can learn to wait.

I grew up knowing that I could talk or ask questions when adults were done speaking. It wasn't that children were not aloud to speak or be heard, but simply, if adults of any kind were talking, grandparents, family, mom and dad, aunt and uncle, two strangers, I did not interrupt. I could speak when THEY were done.

I somehow survived knowing that children were not allowed to interrupt the conversations and interactions of adults and that my needs could simply wait.

The adults were speaking. I could either sort out the answer myself, or wait until they were done. I respectfully waited, they would notice and finish within a few minutes, or notify me that they saw me and would be done "in a second" and adults were allowed to have conversations without children constantly nagging and interrupting. I never felt put off or like I didn't matter. I just knew it was the boundary.
ds1 is ADHD and sensory issues. If he doesn't eat when he needs to then he becomes very "off the wall" and it's hard to calm him down. It isn't just to keep him quiet, but to keep him from getting too worked up. He starts doing laps around the house if he has to wait awhile, and I mean literal laps. He can be patient for awhile, but generally by the time he has let me know he's ready to eat he's pretty darn hungry. And with ds2, since he's mobile now, by the time he lets me know he's hungry he can't wait, he's hungry now. He's also only 14 months so and I don't believe in letting a child that young wait for longer than 5 minutes.

What you suggest is a lot easier said than done. In our situation we have a child who is 3 weeks shy of 4 years old. He is very patient for his age and special needs, but when it comes to something he needs (and eating is a need, especially since he eats small meals throughout the day and never a big meal) he comes before talking to DH. I can talk and fix a sandwich at the same time, we don't need to be private to talk, especially since I have 2 mobile children. Then we have a 14 month old who can only say no, momma and dit (for daddy). His communication skills consist of mumbling, crying and fussing, so he's not waiting long when he has a need. DH and I believe in making our children a priority because they are only young and dependent for so long. We have no problems in our marriage and we reconnect every night for hours when they go to bed and then for a good 1-2 hours in the morning before they wake up. Reconnection is important, but it doesn't have to be when the kids are still awake and active. Just doesn't work that well. DH and I both took psychology as well and this is really what works best for us.

ETA: ds1 is only almsot 4 like I said, so he's not at that point where he fully understands that if an adult or anyone for that matter is talking then he should wait, but he'll get there. I'm not going to teach just when adults are talking, it will be when anyone is talking you need to wait to talk to them. Both our kids also have boundaries, but eating is a need and that can happen while I talk to DH or before I talk to DH.
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  #54  
June 12th, 2011, 05:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lash View Post
I would agree for sure... but I still think the marriage is to be nurtured most of the time and comes as priority as long as children's basic needs, which include love, are met.
I think I can say that most of us here are able to put our marriage up there with our kids. From what I have seen by one appears to be that their children are only a priority when it fits in with their time frame, and that is just not right. We need to be able to hold both our kids and our marriages equally, one should not trump the other at all times. We have to keep in mind that there will be times with kids come before spouse or vice versa and that it's not always about ourselves.
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  #55  
June 12th, 2011, 05:31 PM
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This literally isn't worth it, so I'll let you guys have it, and I'll be done.
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  #56  
June 12th, 2011, 05:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lash View Post
^ Yeah this is pretty much what I imagine Jillian
I'm working really hard on my evil eye. My mother could shoot me a look and I would just run away!! She never had to spank me a day in her life!! lol

DS went from being a shy and "listening" child, to a loud and curious one in a matter of 6 months. He hasn't slowed down since.

But hey, I'm working on the same goal you have. It's just work. More than I thought it would be. lol

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lash View Post
I would agree for sure... but I still think the marriage is to be nurtured most of the time and comes as priority as long as children's basic needs, which include love, are met.
Seeing my mother and dad in a loving relationship has helped me have the expectation of my own marriage. I totally agree that the love should be nurtured. It helps a child more than the time from them hurts.

And you know I don't mean the selfish "me, me, me" parents.
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  #57  
June 12th, 2011, 05:37 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by *Jillian* View Post
I'm working really hard on my evil eye. My mother could shoot me a look and I would just run away!! She never had to spank me a day in her life!! lol

DS went from being a shy and "listening" child, to a loud and curious one in a matter of 6 months. He hasn't slowed down since.

But hey, I'm working on the same goal you have. It's just work. More than I thought it would be. lol



Seeing my mother and dad in a loving relationship has helped me have the expectation of my own marriage. I totally agree that the love should be nurtured. It helps a child more than the time from them hurts.

And you know I don't mean the selfish "me, me, me" parents.
I've got " a look", DH doesn't even like it

I agree with seeing your parents in a loving relationship. My parents both worked (mom at home, dad away from home) but they always had their time each night, and my dad always called my mom on his lunch break and they'd talk. I think they held marriage and children the same, or close to it. Kids did come first for their needs, but if dad or mom was sick the other parent was right there nuturing them. That's how we try to be. Kids do come first, but if DH does have to come first he will. Marriage is very close second. If kids are a 10 then marriage is 9.99.
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  #58  
June 12th, 2011, 05:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Lash View Post
This literally isn't worth it, so I'll let you guys have it, and I'll be done.
I'm assuming this is because of my response to you. I wasn't trying to argue in any way, just pointing out that making a marriage a priority with kids is really easier said than done and that for some families it doesn't work. I only get mad when people try to say that if you put your kids first then your marriage is lacking and you're unhappy (which you didn't), which is untrue.
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  #59  
June 12th, 2011, 05:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lash View Post
^ and I'd say the same with my husband. Reconnecting at the end of the day, emotionally, is priority and can come before my 2 year old eating.
For me, I disagree, only because my 2 year old would not give us the quiet time (or any time really) in order to do the reconnecting. I'd need to feed her and find her an activity first or wait for her to go to bed so we could adequately reconnect without interruption. She is a "mom mom mom mommy mom momma mommy" type toddler

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lash View Post
And there is where boundaries become enforced for me. I either give in, because it's more comfortable for ME to give in and shush the child, or I develop boundaries and they can learn to wait.

I grew up knowing that I could talk or ask questions when adults were done speaking. It wasn't that children were not aloud to speak or be heard, but simply, if adults of any kind were talking, grandparents, family, mom and dad, aunt and uncle, two strangers, I did not interrupt. I could speak when THEY were done.

I somehow survived knowing that children were not allowed to interrupt the conversations and interactions of adults and that my needs could simply wait.

The adults were speaking. I could either sort out the answer myself, or wait until they were done. I respectfully waited, they would notice and finish within a few minutes, or notify me that they saw me and would be done "in a second" and adults were allowed to have conversations without children constantly nagging and interrupting. I never felt put off or like I didn't matter. I just knew it was the boundary.
We're trying to enforce the boundaries, but she's only 2 so she doesn't get it yet. Either she cries when we tell her she needs to let mommy and daddy talk, or she goes off and gets into something so she can get our attention. Maybe it has something to do with the age, or maybe we're just not doing it right? It's frustrating, that's for sure.
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  #60  
June 12th, 2011, 05:50 PM
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I think that most of us agree theres balance.
When the chil is a baby, almost certainly their needs come first
a 5 or 6 year old has the ability to wait for a certain amount of time for certain things
I think many people can balance their whole families needs pretty well, theres no one way of doing it, every family is individual. Every parent and child is individual.
I hadnt posted in this debate yet because I pretty thought that was a given, that most people would have this same belief

then you get smart arse comments like this...

Quote:
Originally Posted by superwoman8977 View Post
I just cant wait to see the moms in here when the kids are grown up and on their own and they will be like now what???? Its going to be funny..
You didnt answer my question in another thread so I will ask you again.

What if your children do exactly as you did? They decide they hate the way you parented and do not want to resemble you in any way whatsoever? They want to attend to their children 24/7 whenever its needed, they want to long term breastfeed, or for your boys are fully supportive of their partners nursing and OH NO, maybe even in public? And you cant say for definite that it wont happen.

Also do you purposely try and make yourself sound so cold and cruel? I dont car eif someone has a different opinon than me, but seriously your posts are so nasty towards other people, I still wonder if you are actually joking half the time
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