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Kids come first vs mom comes first


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  #61  
June 12th, 2011, 05:52 PM
Lash's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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No, sometimes it's not all about you. It's simply stating that I"m not continuing this instead of just disappearing many often do. I simply am not continuing this and have way bigger things going on right now to invest energy into, and this debate is not one of them. It's quite minuscule on my list at the moment, and I am simply giving notice that I am not continuing this conversation.

Jeez can't win for losing.
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  #62  
June 12th, 2011, 05:58 PM
*Jillian*'s Avatar Baby #3 on the way
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My husband had a hard time sharing me at first. He isn't possessive in any way, but he wasn't used to the time I had to spend with my son instead of him.

Looking back I should have made the time to reconnect when I could. I spent too much time wondering why I had to do everything. Luckily we have moved past that chapter and onto a stronger and healthier way to raise a child and stay in love.

And staying in love is a big priority in my life. I think with baby #2 we will be much more united with each other from the beginning. The adjustment period was hard on us.

And my point, as related to the OP, is that being in love with my husband is a huge part of being my happiest self. He allows me to be me...but I have to make the time to put his needs in there with mine and Grady's.
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  #63  
June 12th, 2011, 06:13 PM
HappyHippy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Gee sorry. Wasn't making it all about me, just wasn't sure if you were talking to me or not since you don't quote and it sounded like you were responding to me, so I responded to you (respond when someone talks to you is a big thing for me). I apologize, wasn't trying to be rude or anything.
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  #64  
June 12th, 2011, 06:15 PM
KimberlyD0
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lash View Post
I guess I am in the minority here, and I"m sure the you dont have kids flag can come out in a bit, but we were heavily taught in our Masters Program for Marriage and Family Therapy that the marriage must be nurtured first, and is the main priority as long as basic needs are obviously being met.

For instance, if my husband and I need a trip away to reconnect, but our kids want ipods, they can wait. Our trip for our relationship is more important than my children "needing" ipods.

Time taken for the marriage must at times place the children second. They can wait 20 minutes for us to have our conversation, given that they aren't in literal and absolute peril. And most of the time, truly, the children are not going to be in life risking situations. Their "need", be it a sandwich, for me to see the crayon on the wall, or for me to break up their "fight", can come after I've connected with my husband.

I'd say that meeting that need, in that moment, is to reconnect with my husband whom I haven't seen all day, will be higher priority than my 5 year old needing a peanut butter sandwich.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lash View Post
And there is where boundaries become enforced for me. I either give in, because it's more comfortable for ME to give in and shush the child, or I develop boundaries and they can learn to wait.

I grew up knowing that I could talk or ask questions when adults were done speaking. It wasn't that children were not aloud to speak or be heard, but simply, if adults of any kind were talking, grandparents, family, mom and dad, aunt and uncle, two strangers, I did not interrupt. I could speak when THEY were done.

I somehow survived knowing that children were not allowed to interrupt the conversations and interactions of adults and that my needs could simply wait.

The adults were speaking. I could either sort out the answer myself, or wait until they were done. I respectfully waited, they would notice and finish within a few minutes, or notify me that they saw me and would be done "in a second" and adults were allowed to have conversations without children constantly nagging and interrupting. I never felt put off or like I didn't matter. I just knew it was the boundary.

Are you ready for this? It might be kind of shocking....

I agree with both of these

Quote:
Originally Posted by MommaBee View Post
ds1 is ADHD and sensory issues. If he doesn't eat when he needs to then he becomes very "off the wall" and it's hard to calm him down. It isn't just to keep him quiet, but to keep him from getting too worked up. He starts doing laps around the house if he has to wait awhile, and I mean literal laps. He can be patient for awhile, but generally by the time he has let me know he's ready to eat he's pretty darn hungry. And with ds2, since he's mobile now, by the time he lets me know he's hungry he can't wait, he's hungry now. He's also only 14 months so and I don't believe in letting a child that young wait for longer than 5 minutes.

What you suggest is a lot easier said than done. In our situation we have a child who is 3 weeks shy of 4 years old. He is very patient for his age and special needs, but when it comes to something he needs (and eating is a need, especially since he eats small meals throughout the day and never a big meal) he comes before talking to DH. I can talk and fix a sandwich at the same time, we don't need to be private to talk, especially since I have 2 mobile children. Then we have a 14 month old who can only say no, momma and dit (for daddy). His communication skills consist of mumbling, crying and fussing, so he's not waiting long when he has a need. DH and I believe in making our children a priority because they are only young and dependent for so long. We have no problems in our marriage and we reconnect every night for hours when they go to bed and then for a good 1-2 hours in the morning before they wake up. Reconnection is important, but it doesn't have to be when the kids are still awake and active. Just doesn't work that well. DH and I both took psychology as well and this is really what works best for us.

ETA: ds1 is only almsot 4 like I said, so he's not at that point where he fully understands that if an adult or anyone for that matter is talking then he should wait, but he'll get there. I'm not going to teach just when adults are talking, it will be when anyone is talking you need to wait to talk to them. Both our kids also have boundaries, but eating is a need and that can happen while I talk to DH or before I talk to DH.
I have ADHD, my brother has ADHD, 3 of his 4 kids have ADHD. I know what your saying and what your getting at.

Not saying your outright wrong, but I disagree with just dropping everything and giving in so to speak.

In our home we do enforce boundaries like not interrupting, they do have to wait sometimes, I mean its not easy. Meals and snacks can't always be right this second kind of deal. Its harder for DD#2 because she's younger, when she's hungry, she's hungry. This is one of those times when set meal times can make or brake you. If you know that your child is like this you can plan ahead accordingly. Ready to reach snacks, easy to make meals, snacks if you go out (toys help too!) set meal and snack times, not down to the minute, but set enough that you have some idea when they'll need to eat.

There are times when they just have to wait, even for food. Waiting 5 minutes while dinner is cooking wont hurt them, the 2 minutes it takes for me to see my DH off to work and give him a quick kiss wont hurt them. Waiting a few minutes for me to get off the phone. If its important, like when my mom called to say my dad had passed away, they had to wait a few minutes. They had to wait even when I hung up the phone because, I'm sorry, but I needed a minute to get myself back together. Nothing short of them being in danger was getting through to me in the first few minutes.

You can't just always drop everything and make it now. Obviously if you can then its a great idea to do so. but learning patients and taking turns is so valuable to a child. No matter of they have ADHD or not.

Having ADHD is not an excuse to not have to wait your turn. Its harder yes, but it just means you have to work harder to achieve that. More flexibility on the part of the parent is invaluable, but with ADHD often its more important to ensure that there is structure. Not a set schedule or anything, but structure. Especially with discipline. Knowing others expectations and boundaries is extremely helpful. Repeatedly being reminded (in a gentle way) can really make a difference. Giving in can cause a domino effect.

Now non of this is scientific and I'm not saying its the "right" way either, but from my personal experience dealing with my own ADHD this is whats helped me. Its also helped my brothers children, and I suspect it will help with mine. I'm pretty sure that DD#1 at least has ADHD, but she's not been tested so its based on observation on my part. I pray I am wrong, but she's showing classic signs, the same ones I did.
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  #65  
June 12th, 2011, 06:25 PM
HappyHippy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KimberlyD0 View Post
Are you ready for this? It might be kind of shocking....

I agree with both of these



I have ADHD, my brother has ADHD, 3 of his 4 kids have ADHD. I know what your saying and what your getting at.

Not saying your outright wrong, but I disagree with just dropping everything and giving in so to speak.

In our home we do enforce boundaries like not interrupting, they do have to wait sometimes, I mean its not easy. Meals and snacks can't always be right this second kind of deal. Its harder for DD#2 because she's younger, when she's hungry, she's hungry. This is one of those times when set meal times can make or brake you. If you know that your child is like this you can plan ahead accordingly. Ready to reach snacks, easy to make meals, snacks if you go out (toys help too!) set meal and snack times, not down to the minute, but set enough that you have some idea when they'll need to eat.

There are times when they just have to wait, even for food. Waiting 5 minutes while dinner is cooking wont hurt them, the 2 minutes it takes for me to see my DH off to work and give him a quick kiss wont hurt them. Waiting a few minutes for me to get off the phone. If its important, like when my mom called to say my dad had passed away, they had to wait a few minutes. They had to wait even when I hung up the phone because, I'm sorry, but I needed a minute to get myself back together. Nothing short of them being in danger was getting through to me in the first few minutes.

You can't just always drop everything and make it now. Obviously if you can then its a great idea to do so. but learning patients and taking turns is so valuable to a child. No matter of they have ADHD or not.

Having ADHD is not an excuse to not have to wait your turn. Its harder yes, but it just means you have to work harder to achieve that. More flexibility on the part of the parent is invaluable, but with ADHD often its more important to ensure that there is structure. Not a set schedule or anything, but structure. Especially with discipline. Knowing others expectations and boundaries is extremely helpful. Repeatedly being reminded (in a gentle way) can really make a difference. Giving in can cause a domino effect.

Now non of this is scientific and I'm not saying its the "right" way either, but from my personal experience dealing with my own ADHD this is whats helped me. Its also helped my brothers children, and I suspect it will help with mine. I'm pretty sure that DD#1 at least has ADHD, but she's not been tested so its based on observation on my part. I pray I am wrong, but she's showing classic signs, the same ones I did.
Um, yeah, I never said I drop everything and tend to him. I said that he can wait for a little bit, but I'm not going to make him wait for long. ADHD is a spectrum thing, for some it doesn't affect them much, for others it does. DH has ADHD as well, so does his sister and dad. His dad is hardly affected by it. DH is a lot better these days, but he'll have a week where he struggles with it. And SIL has it the worst at the moment. She's the only one that is medicated for it and I believe she dropped some college classes to try to get it under control. With ds1 he actually can't wait very long before he gets really hyper. I imagine it's a lot different for a 4 year old as it is for an adult. He starts getting out of control, hard to calm down and won't listen at all. If I can avoid that from happening, yes I'm going to. Eating is a need, he can wait 5 minutes, but I'm not going to make him wait much longer, same with ds2, but he's 14 months.

I'm starting to get annoyed with people thinking we have no boundaries because ds1 has ADHD, he does. He also has structure and we discipline. He isn't spoiled and I don't let him run a muck, and he in no way walks all over me. ADHD is not an excuse, it is a reality. I'm not going to let him disrupt the whole house and everyone in it because he doesn't get his food. He literally eats every 10-20 minutes from the time he wakes up to the time he goes to bed, pretty much to a T. He also has sensory issues, so he has to eat every 10ish minutes or he gets even more upset/off the wall because things aren't in place.

I do not "give in". We have a schedule, he eats every 10ish minutes. If he's playing and DH says "hey we need to talk" and then ds1 comes over and says he needs to eat, he does. He doesn't tell me he's getting hungry and would like to eat in about 10 minutes, he waits until his tummy is growling to tell me. We try to tell him he should say he's getting hungry sooner, but he's 4 and playing is way more important then letting us know (to him).

I have read plenty of research and have been around plenty of ADHD children in my life. ADHD can be different from person to person and what works for one doesn't work for the other.
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  #66  
June 12th, 2011, 06:26 PM
Undomesticated Housewife's Avatar Master(de)bater
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I think I'm confused about what we are talking about, but I'll repond to the last several posts or so (been about an hour since I started this post, so forgive me if we have moved on).

I consider taking time to reconnect to still be putting your children first, in a way. When I send my kids to grandma's because hubby and I are at each others throats and need time to sort things out, I send them..even if they cry about not wanting to leave me. In the end, I know the kids will be fine once they get in the car with my mom and they will have a much healthier and happier environment to come home to afterward. My children will need us to have a healthy relationship if I want them to feel secure. I don't think that taking time to reconnect or having an important conversation is putting the CHILD second, but rather prioritizing wants/needs in that specific situation so that it all evens out in the wash.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lash View Post
No, sometimes it's not all about you. It's simply stating that I"m not continuing this instead of just disappearing many often do. I simply am not continuing this and have way bigger things going on right now to invest energy into, and this debate is not one of them. It's quite minuscule on my list at the moment, and I am simply giving notice that I am not continuing this conversation.

Jeez can't win for losing.
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  #67  
June 12th, 2011, 06:36 PM
Undomesticated Housewife's Avatar Master(de)bater
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To summarize, my children have a huge, huge need for my husband and I to have a healthy relationship. However, if my kids need me, I'm not going to bail out on them because I really had my heart set on seeing that new movie..unless it's Breaking Dawn. In that case, they'd have to have some sort of life-threatening need.
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  #68  
June 12th, 2011, 06:42 PM
Lash's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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WHY ARE YOU ATTEMPTING TO ROPE ME BACK INTO THIS DEBATE!! You know I can't resist discussing Twilight or the fact that I suck at Hanging With Friends!

GAh of course Breaking Dawn is life or death!
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  #69  
June 12th, 2011, 06:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lash View Post
WHY ARE YOU ATTEMPTING TO ROPE ME BACK INTO THIS DEBATE!! You know I can't resist discussing Twilight or the fact that I suck at Hanging With Friends!

GAh of course Breaking Dawn is life or death!
Because it's hott when you get all feisty. Duh.
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  #70  
June 12th, 2011, 07:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by superwoman8977 View Post
I just cant wait to see the moms in here when the kids are grown up and on their own and they will be like now what???? Its going to be funny..
Just because I put my child first doesn't mean I don't have anything of my own going on. I have a career, my own hobbies, my own friends. I just make sure my child is looked after before I pursue those things.
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  #71  
June 12th, 2011, 07:06 PM
mommabirdof4
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I just cant wait to see the moms in here when the kids are grown up and on their own and they will be like now what???? Its going to be funny..
You are an idiot!

I will always be a mom...it doesn't end when my kids turn 18...just like my dad is always my dad even though I am 29 years old and about to have my third and fourth children...he is here for me just like I will always be there for my kids. He just drove over here to pick up his grandkids for their very first night away...but to you that must be so sad that he is saddled with his grandkids instead of living his own life...... Does him being there for his kids mean he has no life???...ummm...no He has always put his kids before himself...and honestly he still does even at his age...we all work for our family bussiness and you know in slow months...he makes sure his kids get paid before himself so we can make sure his grandkids are taken care of. He makes sure that I can be a SAHM and work from home so his grandkids can have their mom at home when they are small. To you a mom has an experation date...to me it doesn't...until either I pass or god forbid one of my children does I will forever be a MOTHER...that is who I am forever!!

And once my kids are gone...I will have my own interests and will volunter...I have many, many interest outside of my children...but unlike you I am not selfish...I can put things on the back burner for a few years....

oh and once the kids are gone...me and DH can have HOT sex 24/7....WOOHOO!!!

Oh and everyone in this house is pretty much on a level field...If someone needs something they get taken care of...but the difference is DH is an adult were as my newborn twins can't do anything themselves...so it make sense to anyone with a brain who needs have to come first.
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  #72  
June 12th, 2011, 07:23 PM
BittyBugsMama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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There is a way to have children and have your own identity. I just happen to be a hermit with children

I am currently in the process of trying to reconnect with DH, but it has nothing to do with our kids.

ITA with you Nichole, being a parent has no expiration date. Its not like I popped them out and started the count down. It actually makes me sad in a way to watch my babies grow up because I wish they could stay little forever. I love watching them grow up and hitting milestones but I hate knowing that I am going to blink my eyes and they will be in kindergarten and then graduating from high school.
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  #73  
June 12th, 2011, 09:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by *Jillian* View Post
I'm working VERY HARD on the concept of "don't talk while Mommy and Daddy are talking." It's a struggle. I thought it would be simple because he is really a respectful child, but his impulse control sucks when it comes to asking questions and wanting to be heard.

I never thought he would be that way...but he is just 3. I am sure I'll get it all down before he is like 5.
You have no idea how much I've been struggling with this very issue with my 5 year old this weekend. I feel like it's getting worse with time and not better. But most things are a struggle with my 5 yr-old. I'm sure Grady will get with it soon!
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  #74  
June 12th, 2011, 09:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tiredmom View Post
You have no idea how much I've been struggling with this very issue with my 5 year old this weekend. I feel like it's getting worse with time and not better. But most things are a struggle with my 5 yr-old. I'm sure Grady will get with it soon!
We are struggling with this too. It's tough.
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  #75  
June 20th, 2011, 10:11 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SewerPrincess View Post
Just because I put my child first doesn't mean I don't have anything of my own going on. I have a career, my own hobbies, my own friends. I just make sure my child is looked after before I pursue those things.




Plus for me, I had my 1st child at 36 & my 2nd at 40. So I had many, many years of total me time (btw had infertility didn't intend the late start ) I know in just a few short years, they will both be off on their own. So then I'll have plenty of time for me & Dh. For now we enjoy sharing their lives.
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  #76  
June 20th, 2011, 04:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by *Jillian* View Post
My child comes first. Luckily, after several years of getting used to mommyhood I've learned to balance my child's needs with mine. I always put his first and make sure to at least fit a few things I want in there so I don't walk around like a mommy zombie.

I think there are some parents that put themselves first. The ones that think their sleep should never be interrupted. The ones that pawn their kids off on anyone and everyone cause they have to have their weekends to themselves. One's that never take their kids anywhere.

It is good to make yourself a priority too, but not at the expense of the children.
This, exactly.
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  #77  
June 20th, 2011, 06:37 PM
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dang how could i have missed this thread so full of WIN!??

I agree with Lash. There is nothing wrong with putting your kids first after all it is nature. I can't speak for what she has seen in her practice but I'm sure we all have seen parents (mothers typically) that DO lose their identity. My SIL who just got divorced is going through that and she will be the first to admit it. She's been MOM for so long she completely lost sight of who she was. That doesnt mean she is no longer mom as she has an 11 year and and of course he still relys on her for his homeschooling and everything else a normal 11 year old would. What she would say is that she lost contact with ALL of her girlfriends. Hadn't as much as gone to see a movie in years, had stopped cultivating any of her own interests and was ONLY mom.
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  #78  
June 20th, 2011, 06:43 PM
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Emotional needs are parent-first and physical needs are child-first in our household.

Pretty much means that I need to be sane and functioning, and that our spare cash goes to the kid.
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  #79  
September 4th, 2012, 12:32 PM
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I do agree that children should come first but there is also being too over obsessed.... My partner has a child, he ALWAYS comes first, I suffered a miscarriage in April, yet my partner was not there because he was seeing his son that day and didnt want to break routine, he then too three weeks to see me following my loss (long distance). I am not blessed and pregnant again, yet he has not attended my appts as his ex will not be pleased about him not being around for his son. I cant fault him for being a great dad, but support would be appreciated.
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  #80  
September 6th, 2012, 11:01 PM
.:Kati:.'s Avatar kyler's mommy
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In your family, who comes first? kids,mom,dad.

Do you believe in the statement "If you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of anyone else"? Yes i do,for medical reasons. i have panic disorder that requires me to take blood pressure medicine and other meds, i've blacked out before not recently but it's happened. What if i pass out,how can i take care of my child in that condition? That's where dad comes last as he has no medical problems. The person in most need in any family should come first regardless of the situation.

What does putting kids first mean to you? All of their basic needs,wants before mine.
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