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Kids come first vs mom comes first


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  #1  
June 9th, 2011, 12:39 PM
HappyHippy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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In your family, who comes first? Kids, mom, dad? Do you believe in the statement "If you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of anyone else"? What does putting kids first mean to you?
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  #2  
June 9th, 2011, 12:50 PM
3Kendra3's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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My kids come before me and anyone.

If money is ever going to be tight, I make sure they have a roof over their head, GOOD food in their belly and clothes on their back. I wouldn't neglect my own needs, but if therer was only enough food for them to eat I would skip meals so they could eat. I hope it never comes to that but I would gladly sit back just as long as I knew they weren't going to bed hungry.
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  #3  
June 9th, 2011, 12:54 PM
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In your family, who comes first? Kids, mom, dad? Kids always come first unless it's really out there then we come first.

Do you believe in the statement "If you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of anyone else"? Yes, to some degree. My house motto is if moms not happy nobody is.

What does putting kids first mean to you? Means if we need to eat, kids eat first. If we both need clothes or shoes, kids get theirs first. If they're sick and we're tired, kids come first rest comes later. I can't count how many times my DH or myself has gone without so the kids don't have to.
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  #4  
June 9th, 2011, 01:00 PM
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My child comes first. Luckily, after several years of getting used to mommyhood I've learned to balance my child's needs with mine. I always put his first and make sure to at least fit a few things I want in there so I don't walk around like a mommy zombie.

I think there are some parents that put themselves first. The ones that think their sleep should never be interrupted. The ones that pawn their kids off on anyone and everyone cause they have to have their weekends to themselves. One's that never take their kids anywhere.

It is good to make yourself a priority too, but not at the expense of the children.
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  #5  
June 9th, 2011, 01:01 PM
HappyHippy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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In your family, who comes first? Kids, mom, dad? Kids unless I or DH is sick. We still try to make sure all their needs are met.

Do you believe in the statement "If you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of anyone else"? Not really. I mean, yes you need to take care of yourself, but some people dont' know how to do that but aren't lacking in caring for others. They know how to care for others better. I do agree that "if mom isn't happy no one is", but I don't think this is the same.

What does putting kids first mean to you? It means that my kids eat first, they get their needs first. DH and I are adults and we can wait, but my children can't.

ETA: I think you can put your kids first and still have a well balanced life. Me putting my kids first doesn't take away me eating healthy, or getting exercise (kids love to bike ride), or me getting to read and enjoy a glass of wine once they're in bed. There needs to be balance. But in the general sense, I will not put my kids needs behind mine.
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Last edited by HappyHippy; June 9th, 2011 at 01:03 PM.
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  #6  
June 9th, 2011, 01:03 PM
BittyBugsMama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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My kids come first unless its something like a medical emergency. No matter what it is, my kids needs are met. If that means sacrificing, I do.
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  #7  
June 9th, 2011, 01:08 PM
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Anecdotal.

My mother put all her kids first. I appreciate that more than anyone could know and I had a wonderful, loving family life.

She rarely ever bought herself something, she rarely did something with a friend. As much as I appreciate her sacrifices for us, I wish she had gotten live a little more while she was alive.

Balance is always good.
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  #8  
June 9th, 2011, 01:09 PM
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I think it is a balance. Kids didnt ask to just magically appear. Their needs definitely should come before the adults that brought them into the world. The balance part comes into play when a mom tries to be such a supermom that she puts her children at risk in other ways. I've heard of it happening... mom spreads herself so thin she has a harmful mental breakdown endangering her children. That is no good!

Yes, I've seen parents that dont put their kids first with the examples someone listed above... (jillian?) ... pawing their kids off ALL the time etc. I grew up with a friend of mine whose parents kept a running tally of every DIME they spent on her since she was in frikkin' diapers and would hold it over her head. It is a MIRACLE she turned out normal!
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  #9  
June 9th, 2011, 01:15 PM
Poncho06's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Kids always need to come first. Even when I take some time to myself I still ensure their needs are being met and are with someone who puts them as top priority.
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  #10  
June 9th, 2011, 01:17 PM
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In your family, who comes first? Kids, mom, dad? Our kids come first, but DH and I are fortunate to have each other so we can also balance our own needs with our kids by depending on one another...if that makes sense. Meaning, DH can/does take care of the children (on his own) at times so I can have some time to myself and vice-versa.

Do you believe in the statement "If you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of anyone else"? Yes, because I take it to mean leading by example. By showering, brushing my teeth, dressing myself etc. I show my girls the importance of proper hygeine. By eating right and exercising, I exemplify the importance of nutrition and exercise. And so on.

What does putting kids first mean to you? Financially it means they are fed & clothed before DH and I purchase those things for ourselves. We put $$ in their college fund before we buy 'toys' for ourselves. Things like that. Emotionally, it means we spend quality (family), read, bathe them before we do it ourselves.

All that being said, I think it's important that parents care for their children needs before their own, but still find a way/balance in taking care of themselves and one another. For us, one isn't sacrificed for the other.

Last edited by New Mama; June 9th, 2011 at 01:21 PM.
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  #11  
June 9th, 2011, 01:45 PM
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In your family, who comes first? Kids, mom, dad? Kids needs and wants always come before mine. Always. Even if my need is dire, if they aren't taken care of, I can't be either.

Do you believe in the statement "If you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of anyone else"? I do believe that. But I also know that sometimes, it's not feasible. There does need to be a good balance, but, again, that's not always possible. I do my best to try and find a middle ground.

What does putting kids first mean to you? For me, it means putting those who cannot do for themselves, above myself(my needs and wants). It's not just their basic needs that I need to provide for them, but I am quite happy to do whatever I can. I'm all my kids really have, which means I often go without for them. I don't consider that a sacrifice though. It is what it is, it's just part of our life. I have three little lives that are very dependent on me. They need me to take care of them as best as I possibly can. I'm responsible for bringing them into this world, I'm responsible for making sure they're taken care of. What they need will differ from day to day, of course. I, at one point in my life, had a great balance between the two. Now, not so much. I do think a good balance is important though, so I hope to one day have a really good balance again. For now I do the best I can with what I've got on my plate. Sometimes that means I don't take such great care of myself. I don't necessarily like it, but I accept that at least for the time being-that's how it needs to be. That's not to say I *never take care of myself, but I could always do better. I don't really have any wants that I'd ever put above the wants of my kids. But I'm a pretty odd duck. Right now my wants are simply being with and taking care of those I love the most. At least, when they'll let me I have to work to not smother them some days. I tend to have pretty small wants, in the grand scheme anyway, though.


Back in February I got really sick. I had actually been sick for a while, there was just not much I could do about it. The kids couldn't go to my moms because my niece had chicken pox(dd2 and I carry no immunity to varicella-zoster and I haven't had the other two titered to find out if they do or not yet). Until she was no longer contagious, I had nowhere for the kids to go. Eventually my mom was able to take them so I could go to the ER. One ng, a night in the ER, a lifeflight to Cleveland Clinic and a too long stay later(2 days of it in icu), I was able to come home. The only thing I could think about the entire time I was there, was the kids. My mom takes wonderful care of them, don't get me wrong, that's just how my mind works. I am always thinking about how to best take care of them, or make things work out so they benefit the most. Now had I been able to take the kids there sooner, I may not have gotten as sick as I was, but, eh, what can ya do. I did the best with the hand I was dealt and that's pretty much how I deal with everything. We don't have enough for me to take care of all their needs, some of their wants, plus all my needs and some of my wants. So I take care of all their needs, some of their wants and some of my needs as well. As our situation changes, that too will change, but for now it works for us/me.
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  #12  
June 9th, 2011, 01:46 PM
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Like everyone else, I agree that kids needs come first. No question. If my kid is sick and so am I...well I'm just going to suffer. That's what being a parent is all about.

I think the balance comes in where needs meets wants. Kids wants shouldn't come before parents' needs. My kids want to go out with DH on the rare (every 6 months or so) date we get to go on, but my husband and I NEED that time alone. Things like that. I think a lot of parents stress themselves out by confusing wants with needs.
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  #13  
June 9th, 2011, 02:17 PM
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Kids first. They depend on us as parents for everything from clothes to food. If it comes to them eating or me, they will eat first. (And almost always do). I do not buy clothes for me; I get them for the kids. I quit my job because people were expecting me to put my kids last and I won't do that for ANYONE. I don't have many friends and those I do have, I have known for a long time and they also have kids.

That said, putting their needs first means sometimes, getting a break for myself. What good am I to the kids if I am at my wits end or so sick I can't even move? IN those cases, I will find someone I KNOW I can trust to aid us. I can't afford a 'babysitter' so it's usually a friend. I then return the favor. I think to be the best parents, we have to be able to do our best to be there for them and sometimes that actually means taking a break. (Besides, kids also need breaks from their parents as well).

DH also takes care of the kids. I don't discount how he cares for the children simply because he's a guy (some of my friends will NOT leave their kids with their husbands, because they don't "trust" him. Whatever that means. I can't imagine being married to someone I can't trust with HIS own children. It just wouldn't work here).
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  #14  
June 9th, 2011, 02:34 PM
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Kids come first. If they need (not want) anything, I will sell the clothes off my back to give it to them.
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  #15  
June 9th, 2011, 03:00 PM
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In your family, who comes first? Kids, mom, dad? Goes in order of helplessness. Kids, dad, mom

Do you believe in the statement "If you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of anyone else"? I do yes. Because it is possible to do that, and still put your kids first.

What does putting kids first mean to you? that their basic needs come before everyone else.

The world is a very messed up place. I cannot fathom having a child, or even a husband and still thinking that I come before anyone. If I don't have children, I should be first in his life, and he in mine. If we have children, child comes first, then me/him/ then ourself. I am very fortunate, he does put me first at all times. this summer, he will put his son first, me second, himself last.

I can see the desire for time away from the kids. And yes, I do believe that there should be time made to be away from the children once they're old enough. Being a parent is pretty much a full time job until most kids are.. I'd guess 14. After that, there is a little more time in the day for "me time".

I'm glad I have no "me time" habits (No hair coloring, no nail getting done etc) give me a trip to Walmart, with or with out the kids, and I'll be happy.
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  #16  
June 9th, 2011, 03:34 PM
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Kid comes first. Everything else balances out.

To me, putting my daughter first means making sure she is fed, well rested, and has everything she needs. It means that I don't miss our bedtime songs three nights in a row (which is why I'm home tonight). It means I read stories to her when she asks, even if I'd rather have me time and read my own book.

Balancing the need to take care of yourself is possible though, especially if you have a supportive partner.
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  #17  
June 9th, 2011, 03:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Tithen~ View Post
In your family, who comes first? Kids, mom, dad? Goes in order of helplessness. Kids, dad, mom

Do you believe in the statement "If you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of anyone else"? I do yes. Because it is possible to do that, and still put your kids first.

What does putting kids first mean to you? that their basic needs come before everyone else.

The world is a very messed up place. I cannot fathom having a child, or even a husband and still thinking that I come before anyone. If I don't have children, I should be first in his life, and he in mine. If we have children, child comes first, then me/him/ then ourself. I am very fortunate, he does put me first at all times. this summer, he will put his son first, me second, himself last.

I can see the desire for time away from the kids. And yes, I do believe that there should be time made to be away from the children once they're old enough. Being a parent is pretty much a full time job until most kids are.. I'd guess 14. After that, there is a little more time in the day for "me time".

I'm glad I have no "me time" habits (No hair coloring, no nail getting done etc) give me a trip to Walmart, with or with out the kids, and I'll be happy.

Care to explain how you classified dad as more helpless than mom?
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  #18  
June 9th, 2011, 03:58 PM
BittyBugsMama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lash View Post
Care to explain how you classified dad as more helpless than mom?
I can't speak for her, but in my household the order goes the same way. My husband either acts like a moron to get out of stuff or is pretty helpless - especially when it comes to the kids. I can answer the same question 5 times in a month and he will still ask me the next time it comes up.
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  #19  
June 9th, 2011, 04:15 PM
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Kids come first... except when it comes to my secret chocolate stash. Hopefully I'll never have to choose between chocolate and my kids. I'm sure my kids would win, but I would have the DTs.

I think you'll be hard pressed to find anybody who doesn't say (or admit) that their kids don't come first. It's more a matter of defining the difference between needs and wants. I'd like to think my kids get everything they need and not everything they want. But I sometimes have a hard time figuring out for myself where the line between need and want is. For instance, my eldest wanted hugs and kisses at bedtime last night. Of course he got them, that's part of our routine. But after lights out, he repeatedly asked for more bedtime hugs and kisses, to the point where I was getting frustrated and felt like he was just using delay tactics and after about the 5th time finally said 'no'. Tears ensued. I felt guilty but stood firm. Then come to find out later in the night that he was getting a cold and was probably just wanting extra comfort because he wasn't feeling good. Cue the mommy guilt. But my point is, it's hard to say the difference between need and want except in clear cut cases of basic nutrition and safety.
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  #20  
June 9th, 2011, 04:42 PM
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Kiddos come first, but there are some days when I will only think about myself and eat some chocolate without him knowing
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