[GSLynn]

Recently, the above sparked a mini-debate with a friend.

Is it okay for someone to say "You're going to (example) watch the girls Friday" instead of "Hey, I have to work can you help me out with the girls Friday?"

It sparked because a friend of mine needed me to babysit all next week M-Th and suddenly today, she says I will be needed Friday too. (Exact words: "Oh, Friday you're going to have the girls...")

She did not ASK, she EXPECTED. I think #1 it's rude to expect that I'll just be available, especially since this is a friend and #2 SHE KNOWS I AM DUE ANY DAY, #3 SHE KNOWS MY IP's are coming to town and we were supposed to spend Friday together (whether or not in labor, we were taking the day) and #4 SHE KNOWS that on Thursday, I am having my membranes stripped to *try to have the baby before my doctor goes out of town. She also kind of got snippy with me when I told her that Thursday I was doing this (especially annoying because Friday, I was not supposed to have her kids anyway) and said I should have let her know. Now, funny, SHE is the one who changed her schedule on me, not the other way around, so I am not sure why I needed to let her know. She is neither taking my kids or driving me to the hospital so she's not on my "list" of people to make aware of this. I don't HAVE to babysit her children at all, it's only as a favor because her provider is on leave and I was *trying to be nice, but now I feel taken advantage of. I agreed to M-Th but NOT for Friday and I feel like she's trying to make me feel guilty because I don't want to obligate myself for that last day.

I feel like when someone says to me what she did, that they *expect me to do something and are not even concerned with whether or not I am even available, whether or not it's convenient for me, or even if they actually listen when I speak to them (because of all the factors I listed above as to why I do not want to do this). It's also not like she ever returns the favor (she's supposed to help me with housekeeping in return for keeping the two children and now is already making excuses as to how she doesn't have time with her work schedule...so I am not expecting that she will actually do it at all at this point)

Would any of you tell someone they are doing something and assume they'll just agree, or would you ask and see if they *can do it?

Thanks in advance for all responses. I am looking for both sides so she can read along.

[mayandsofiasmommy]

I think what she said was rude. Nobody should assume that another person can watch your kids at any time.

[plan4fate]

I tend to tell and ask all in one sentence "On Friday we're going to ______, if that's ok with you?". dbf knows better than to change my mind. LOL.

I too hate to be "informed" I'm doing something. My family does this to me all the time (hence where I get my own problem with remembering ask). I'll go home for 2 days and they've got me booked from start to finish. I've not seen a single friend who actually lives back home in 8 years because I never get 10 minutes to breathe. My absolute favorite is "you're going to go and get your brother and bring him down for the weekend in your mom's car.".... that's a 2.5 hour drive.. fun!

I personally think your friend is in the wrong. You need to ask people for things, not tell them that something is going to happen (unless it's your kids you get that right for about 18 years). You did her a favor, and she needs to appreciate it. You've got plans with your IP's.. and let's face it.. you're carrying their baby, due at any time with it... they're very much deserving of your time! She can go make other arrangements as she had to make a change and didn't ok it with you first. You ALWAYS run schedule changes by the care provider before you agree to them (unless you get no say) and you ASK not Tell.

I'm kind of shocked this is really even an issue and that she's trying to blame you. Seems sort of silly to blame someone else for something you did yourself. Right?

[L-SBB]

umm of course it's rude - who just assumes that someone will be available on an unmentioned day to babysit? I wouldn't expect that of family even, much less a friend...most definitely not of an extremely pregnant friend about to give birth!

[~Kris~]

From a "friend" that's way out of line.

The ONLY person I'd ever tell rather than ask is hubby, but that's part of the job as being their dad.

[GSLynn]

I'm sitting back letting her read this and awaiting the phone call that is no doubt to come, but I don't really care at this point because I am PISSED OFF. She thinks *I am being unreasonable and that I should have expected to work M-F because that's what *most people's schedules are. UGH. I am going to just start saying "NO" because every time I say "Yes", these so-called friends change everything on me and expect that it's ok because after all, I already said "yes" right?

[rose198172]

Originally Posted by ~Kris~

From a "friend" that's way out of line.

The ONLY person I'd ever tell rather than ask is hubby, but that's part of the job as being their dad.

Exactly. I would say things like that to DH, but he's as much of a parent as I am, so I don't see much of a problem with that. To a friend doing me a favor? No freaking way.

[lesliek0211]

Absolutely rude. Honestly, if I had a "friend" acting like that, I'd tell her she needs to find another back-up babysitter asap.

[Yaps]

If she is a true friend she should understand that your day with IP's is important the them and you and that you cant just drop our plans for hers. I would just tell her tha you agreed to m-thur and that is all you can do with all the things that are taking place and the short amount of time yo have. She should understand and if not not your problem

[Poncho06]

Wait, your having her read this thread so you can prove your right and she's wrong? Why?

As far as your question, it's always polite to ask regardless of friendship status.

[GSLynn]

Poncho-lol No, I am having her read it to see responses either way because it's a debate thread. I would have no way of knowing what everyone's thoughts are without asking first just more to see what the majority think about this kind of thing and neither would she.

She's not a member here (yet) but we talked about things and I will not be keeping the kids that last day. Actually, she kind of used the responses in another argument SHE had with her friend (not someone I know) who was doing the same thing to her just about every weekend. I guess she just needed to "see" it for herself.

[K.A.T]

I agree it's rude to expect someone to just stay with your kids. Friend or not, she needs to ask before she expects anything.

[tiredmom]

Originally Posted by GSLynn

Poncho-lol No, I am having her read it to see responses either way because it's a debate thread. I would have no way of knowing what everyone's thoughts are without asking first just more to see what the majority think about this kind of thing and neither would she.

In my book, that's a 'yes', as all the responses were in your favor having heard only your side of the argument.

[GSLynn]

Tiredmom, just want to point out something about assumptions of an OP's motivation:

My OP actually said this

Originally Posted by GSLynn

Thanks in advance for all responses. I am looking for both sides so she can read along

, so you're wrong about what I wanted. I didn't have any responses until after I posted. We both figured that different people would have different opinions, hence why I said it sparked a debate between us. Not that it's a bad thing that I happened to have responses that were in my favor, obviously it made her think a little bit, lol but that's not something I would have known prior to anyone's responses. Granted, it's one side of the argument, but had I mispoken, I am sure she'd have created an account and said something considering she knew what I was posting as I was doing it.

[My2miracles]

I'm late to the party but I'll give you the other side.

What was your original arrangement? Are you helping a friend out here & there or are you acting like her full-time babysitter?

You mentioned something about she expected M-F because that's what most people work. Sounds like you have a big miscommunication going on. You have 1 expectation, she had another.

Is this the case, where she called you out of the blue & said "you have the kids Friday" or did you have an arrangement and she was really just comfirming her understanding?

[GSLynn]

My 2 miracles-

The arrangement was to help her with the kids when her provider is out sick or on vacation because she can't afford drop in care (it's VERY expensive here). Her boyfriend is off Fridays and Saturdays and she's off Sundays.

She asked me to watch the kids M-Th this week and I agreed. Friday, since the bf is off, Sat & Sun, I wasn't supposed to have the kids. The other day she calls and says in a coversation not related to children or babysitting was: "Oh btw, you are going to have the girls Friday" I said "What? Why? I have things I have to do Friday" and that is how it started.

I totally did not agree to Friday from the start, and it was not implied that she'd need it when she told me her provider was leaving town. She just 'assumed' that I would be available because her usual provider is available any day of the week and since I am a SAHM, I wouldn't have anything to do.

So when we were going over this, she said "Well most people work M-F so I figured you would be available if I needed you" (But she's not most people and her bf switched his schedule on me) ---she was referring to them working M-F, not me. I do not work a regular job (although I would love to)

When we finally talked it out, I explained to her that I can't just drop everything. If she gives me a schedule, she has to stick with it or ASK me if I am available, not to assume. She was going thru a similar issue with another person so I think finally it clicked.

I am a person willing to help out when I can, but not to the extent that I have to drop everything (exception: Emergencies) to do it.

[My2miracles]

That makes sense. I was a little unclear from the original post

[Jintana]

"You're going to" makes sense when doling out work schedules of whatever sort. It's both presumptuous to assume someone can work odd hours and for someone to refuse to work odd hours that weren't listed as unavailable. (In other words, availability in writing and stick to it!) The closer the personal relationship between people in a work situation, the more stuff needs to be in writing to avoid being taken advantage of.

I hope you got out of Friday. If someone pulled that on me, I'd likely tell them they'd need another replacement for M-Th.