"Because I don't like it"...

plan4fate · #1 June 26th, 2011, 02:46 PM

How do you handle this phrase with:

Your husband/partner/SO:

Your children:

Is this ever an ok "reason" to you?

I just found out that my dbf will NOT wear a wedding ring except "for show when absolutely needed". His reasoning isn't his skin (he has a skin problem) or his job.. but because he doesn't like the way anything feels on his skin (so wearing it on a chain is out).... he's 34 years old, by this point he should be well aware that you sometimes have to do things you don't like to do.

He's about to get a long string of "but i don't like it's" out of me because I'm ticked off.

lesliek0211 · #2 June 26th, 2011, 02:55 PM

That seems really strange to me. Has he never worn anything jewelry-wise? Why don't clothes bother him.
Simply, "I don't like it" isn't sufficient. Explanation is needed (unless it's something insignificant of course).

plan4fate · #3 June 26th, 2011, 03:23 PM

haven't gotten that far into it yet lol.

Clothing does bother him, he'd rather be naked than wear clothing.

He does have sensory disorders, and usually I'd let them be an excuse... but this really really bugs me.

and no, he wears no jewelry. Cannot handle anything around his neck (he has to stretch out t-shirts, drives me batty). He's going to hate me when I put him in a tux and tie for the wedding.

I'm gonna battle this out. A ring isn't important to some, but it's a symbol of marriage, and it's very important to me. I don't care what it costs, but I do care that he doesn't want to wear it.

I'd feel strange wearing two rings, showing I was married, walking down the street holding the hand of someone who isn't wearing a wedding ring... I know judging people is bad, but I'd feel like people would be thinking I'm cheating on my husband.

GSLynn · #4 June 26th, 2011, 03:32 PM

It could be a sensory thing. I do not wear ANY jewelry including my wedding ring. A ring will not define your relationship and to be frank, I have worn my ring out (ususally when I am with friends) and still gotten hit on. Either way, I explain I have a husband and that "it" (whatever they think it is) is not happening.

I don't like the feeling of jewelry at all, I don't like that it makes me itch or that it feels like I might lose it. The ring is safely tucked away for those special occasions and that's when I wear it. But otherwise, I do not put it on.

#5 June 26th, 2011, 03:59 PM

Personally, I wouldn't be keen on anyone dictating what I must wear.

tiredmom · #6 June 26th, 2011, 04:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tofu Bacon

Personally, I wouldn't be keen on anyone dictating what I must wear.

ditto.

I also don't wear a wedding ring because I don't like it. I highly doubt people are looking at my hands and making judgements; but if they are, I could give a rat's behind.

justarandomname47 · #7 June 26th, 2011, 04:37 PM

I wouldn't like it if my husband refused to wear a ring. But if it really is a sensory thing then I would understand. I rarely wear a ring while pregnant. I think I'd talk to him about alternatives - like maybe a tattoo around his ring finger. If I was worried at all about him (trust issue) then that would be different, but if there's a trust issue I'd resolve it before getting married, I guess.

As far as what I do in general to the "because I don't like it..."

with my kids I explain that sometimes we have to do things we don't like so that we can get/do things that we do like. This is a big deal right now with my oldest and vegetables. She hates them. So I try to explain that if she just sucks it up and eats the veggies then she'll get healthy, big, strong...and get to eat dessert. For her it's all about finding the right motivation.

I can't think of an example with DH. hmm maybe when my parents visit. ...LOL and I use the same logic with him. "Yes, I know you don't want to do this with my parents but remember it's just a little while and then I'll take care of the kids for a day while you get to do anything you want!"

L-SBB · #8 June 26th, 2011, 04:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tofu Bacon

Personally, I wouldn't be keen on anyone dictating what I must wear.

I agree...

Quote:

Originally Posted by tiredmom

ditto.

I also don't wear a wedding ring because I don't like it. I highly doubt people are looking at my hands and making judgements; but if they are, I could give a rat's behind.

Exactly...life becomes a lot easier and more enjoyable once you stop caring what anyone else thinks about you. I actually like my rings but I forget to put them on all the time - I imagine any number of people think I'm running around with a married man (DH) or I'm a single mom, but I like to think it just makes me appear far more interesting than I actually am

plan4fate · #9 June 26th, 2011, 04:53 PM

we discussed it. I asked him how he'd feel if I didn't want a ring. He said it'd be strange but he'd probably be ok with it. I asked how he'd feel if I didn't take his name or a ring. He got upset and asked how anyone was to know I was married.... and then realized my point.

If I have to take the name, he has to wear the ring.

So, we've come to a compromise. We will look for a ring for him. One he likes and can handle wearing (his ring from his first wife.. I just had it on my thumb.. I wouldn't wear it either, digs in) and then we'll have one made to match for me. I told him to think of the ring as pants. He doesn't like those, but he wears them anyway.

He has my grad ring on right now, and it's not bothering him. He asked if the desire to play with a ring, twist it and what not is a sign that it's not comfortable.... I think that's normal, I've not known anyone who doesn't play with anything in/on their hand. you?

"I don't like it" never flew in my house growing up. And it doesn't work when his son says it with him (2.5 hour tantrum yesterday... i asked for a hysterectomy in the middle of it). If anything it opened up a can of worms that we were able to settle a whole lot of little things that have been bugging each of us.

justarandomname47 · #10 June 26th, 2011, 08:00 PM

Glad you were able to settle things - the fit of a ring makes a *huge* difference

frgsonmysox · #11 June 26th, 2011, 09:27 PM

I wear a wedding ring and Chris doesn't. No one judges us and I don't feel as if people can't tell we are married. Who cares if a stranger knows he or I am married? They don't know my last name regardless. Choose your battles.

Poncho06 · #12 June 27th, 2011, 05:17 AM

DH and I don't wear ours for the most part. My hands are like catchers mitts now from weight gain and when I was pregnant. Jacks not a huge fan and can't for his job anyway.

I never though much about what others think and couldn't care less if strangers know we are married.

Tammyjh · #13 June 27th, 2011, 05:54 AM

Didn't you say he has Asperger's Syndrome in another thread? If so and he has sensory issues, I would not make a big deal out of it.

MindyRambo · #14 June 27th, 2011, 06:20 AM

My parents don't wear their wedding rings and have been married for 32 years. It doesn't bother either of them. Depends on the person/couple I guess.

Isn't it possible though, that this isn't so much about the ring and more about him having fears about a new marriage since he isn't even divorced yet? Could this be his way of trying to let you know he has fears/doubts (which would be totally normal)?

K.A.T · #15 June 27th, 2011, 09:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tofu Bacon

Personally, I wouldn't be keen on anyone dictating what I must wear.

Ditto!

Coming from a relationship where my ex-husband dictated my wardrobe and/or would insult me if he didn't like what I was wearing, it really pisses me off when I'm told what to wear. Since he has sensory issues, I would be OK with him wearing is sparingly or just on special occasions. While the band is symbolic, it really doesn't do much to deter people from hitting on a married person. I personally like the idea of a tattoo band since he can't wear jewelery.

As for the term, I just don't like it...I used it a lot at the house, however, DH knows my reasons for not liking something. I feel that if it's explained once, it shouldn't have to be explained again. We all have something that we just don't like. Some of us have legit reasons, others not so much. If the reason is legit, leave the person be. If not then hound away.

Jintana · #16 June 27th, 2011, 10:38 AM

Ashley, you know who PS is. He will be rather saddened if you ask or require him to change to prove his love.

"I don't like it" - how I respond depends on a lot, like who says it, how often, what my mood is like, etc. For the most part, I read that as "something makes me grievously and distractedly uncomfortable, so I prefer to forgo that." I tend to be gentle and sympathetic on that because there's a lot that *I* don't like: specific food textures, specific tactile experiences, etc. I most certainly admit to being less than nice about it when whiners or people unwilling to compromise are involved.

Repti.Mom · #17 June 27th, 2011, 11:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Tithen~

haven't gotten that far into it yet lol.

Clothing does bother him, he'd rather be naked than wear clothing.

He does have sensory disorders, and usually I'd let them be an excuse... but this really really bugs me.

and no, he wears no jewelry. Cannot handle anything around his neck (he has to stretch out t-shirts, drives me batty). He's going to hate me when I put him in a tux and tie for the wedding.

I'm gonna battle this out. A ring isn't important to some, but it's a symbol of marriage, and it's very important to me. I don't care what it costs, but I do care that he doesn't want to wear it.

I'd feel strange wearing two rings, showing I was married, walking down the street holding the hand of someone who isn't wearing a wedding ring... I know judging people is bad, but I'd feel like people would be thinking I'm cheating on my husband.

My husband wears a ring and I don't and we hold hands sometimes

I have skin issues though, if I wear my wedding ring my finger breaks out in some nasty rash that itches like crazy and takes forever to heal. Pretty sure it's a nickle or copper reaction, but I can't go out and buy a 24 carat gold ring right now...
If someone wants to volunteer to donate some money this way, then I would change my mind and wear jewelry.

The "I don't want to, or I don't like it" issue is something that just doesn't fly here with the kids. If I let them use that excuse they'd be big bums that eat nothing but m&ms lol!

plan4fate · #18 June 27th, 2011, 01:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tammyjh

Didn't you say he has Asperger's Syndrome in another thread? If so and he has sensory issues, I would not make a big deal out of it.

yes. but I do too. he explained it last night "i was told what to do growing up, so now, I don't want to do it if I don't want to do it. But I didn't realize it upset you so much, so we'll try it"

Quote:

Originally Posted by MindyRambo

My parents don't wear their wedding rings and have been married for 32 years. It doesn't bother either of them. Depends on the person/couple I guess.

Isn't it possible though, that this isn't so much about the ring and more about him having fears about a new marriage since he isn't even divorced yet? Could this be his way of trying to let you know he has fears/doubts (which would be totally normal)?

I dunno. He didn't wear that ring either, it's been in the safe except for the odd time they did something special (like go to a wedding together). And tbh, I think I'm more scared about getting married than he is about getting remarried... or that's the way it comes off (to a friend of ours too, she jokes about it with me that I'm gonna get cold feet and he's going to drag me down the aisle by my hair). I think, for him having been so unhappy in his marriage for so long that he's ready to move on and be happy with someone so much he doesn't stop to worry. Instead it's me worrying that I'll be just like her and he'll be unhappy again

Quote:

Originally Posted by Repti.Mom

My husband wears a ring and I don't and we hold hands sometimes

I have skin issues though, if I wear my wedding ring my finger breaks out in some nasty rash that itches like crazy and takes forever to heal. Pretty sure it's a nickle or copper reaction, but I can't go out and buy a 24 carat gold ring right now...
If someone wants to volunteer to donate some money this way, then I would change my mind and wear jewelry.

The "I don't want to, or I don't like it" issue is something that just doesn't fly here with the kids. If I let them use that excuse they'd be big bums that eat nothing but m&ms lol!

BIG fear of mine! I'm allergic to everything! I have a 24k ring that's my mothers that gives me hives, but I have lesser k rings that are ok. I have a stainless necklace that's fine, but stainless earrings from same company make me break out. Try overstock.com you'd be shocked what you might find there for next to nothing.

So we're looking at titanium.. (no resizing though, which worries me since I'm a yo you weight person all the time)

Repti.Mom · #19 June 27th, 2011, 01:48 PM

Now I'm afraid to even BUY a 24 carat ring.. The one I have is 14 I believe. My pants button makes me break out, and my glasses on my temples is itchy all the time. I usually put clear nail polish over the sides.

plan4fate · #20 June 27th, 2011, 02:33 PM

sounds like you're allergic to soft metals (aluminim, copper, nickel.. gold).. I had an ex like that, was awful to see him get up against them. He had the best of everything, watch, shaving gear, even forks and such, they all had to be certain grades of everything. And all his pants had plastic buttons.

I'm still ok with gold so far.. but I hate it (dbf does too)! So white gold/ stainless for me, titanium for him.