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  #21  
March 3rd, 2012, 12:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lesliek0211 View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by K.A.T View Post
How is a step parent pretending? They may not be in that child's life as often as the bio parent is, but they still have a hand in raising that child. Especially if they've been around for many years. Some children have known their step parent literally their entire lives. Should they be considered less of a parent to that child or that child less of a child to that parent?

It's easy to say what you're claiming when one has never been there. Step parenting is hard on both the adult and child and is almost never understood by those who have never experienced it. By always saying these are my kids xyz and that's my step child xyz, you're alienating that child. They may and most likely feel left out and could feel like they are less loved by that adult because of the lack of biology. It takes more than biology to be a parent, I think almost all of us here can agree on that.

When it comes down to it, the truth of the entire matter is that family dynamics is not the business of the world. So it should not have to be put out there for the world to know and judge. If that were the case, then we should all sit back and have knowledge and judge adoptive parents, parents who use donor eggs or sperm, parents who use surrogates, like yourself, because for one reason or another one of them or both couldn't have a child of their own dna mixture.

I do have one pic of DSD and I can really get that using a child's picture in a siggy can not sit well with the bio parents. However, lots of step parents love and are just as proud of their step kids as they are their own kids. In turn they want to display those feelings, sometimes with a picture in a siggy. As I said in my original post, I just can't imagine cutting out DSD from a "family" pic of my kids because of biology. I'm care for her and love her the way I do all my kids. She's no different and will never be in my eyes. And if that makes the bio mom upset, too bad for her. It would be sad that a person cannot be happy that the partner their ex has chosen loves and cares for their child as they would.
I don't think it's about loving her and caring for her any less, it's about saying it is your child to other people. When people do that, it takes the mom out of the equation, essentially saying that the kids are yours and DH's bio kids. For me, that's not something I would want to do. Just because you identify yourself as a stepmom doesn't mean people see you as not loving them as much, it just means they have more people that love them.
I see what you're saying. I guess, as I said before, to me it's all about people being privileged to that information. I just don't feel that the world needs to know it. Now, if the child was bothered by it, then that's a different story. But if doesn't bother the child and your partner, then that's all that matters to me.
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  #22  
March 3rd, 2012, 01:24 PM
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Originally Posted by K.A.T View Post
I see what you're saying. I guess, as I said before, to me it's all about people being privileged to that information. I just don't feel that the world needs to know it. Now, if the child was bothered by it, then that's a different story. But if doesn't bother the child and your partner, then that's all that matters to me.
I agree. When dh introduces the kids, he says "our kids" and gives their names. He doesn't say "these three are my kids and this one is my step child". Half of the time oldest calls him "Daddy" anyway and I don't see why he should ask my ex husband's permission to post a family pic with dd in it on his FB page. I don't expect Ex and his wife to as me for permission either. However, as dd is now 18, we should all be asking for her permission at this point.
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  #23  
March 3rd, 2012, 03:41 PM
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Originally Posted by HappyHippy View Post
I don't think those who do not share pictures or first and/or middle names is about the internet coming after them. I think it is about privacy. Just like on Facebook or anywhere else, we share with those who we feel comfortable with and most parents keep their kids pictures only to those on their friends list and not public. There has been people on here and other parenting forums that do in fact steal pictures and try to claim those kids as theirs.

For me what it would come down to is if I'm the primary caregiver of my children (bio children) then I should be allowed to decide what kind of privacy they should have. I wouldn't think it would be ok for the stepmom to take that out of my hands and display my children on the internet without me knowing or consenting to it. To me I'd still be the one who calls the shot, I'm still the mom and the primacy caregiver of them, they are still living mostly in my home, and it's more than privacy but protection also.

Now if I was completely out of the picture and the stepmom had adopted them and she was the primary caregiver, than that is different. I also don't think it has anything to do with loving them less or anything like that, it's about respecting the mother.
I guess this is where we differ on this. I consider moms and dads to be equal parents. My DSD's mother doesn't run everything by my DH and we don't run everything by her when DSD is here with us. He is a parent too and it's different then when 2 parents are still together. He doesn't have to bow to whatever she wants just because she's the mother.

I never asked my husband permission to put pictures of our 2 children online. He trusts my judgement as a parent.
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  #24  
March 4th, 2012, 03:54 AM
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Sort of a different situation, but I do have my goddaughter's pic in my siggy. However I never would have done that without the expressed permission of her momma. I showed it to her as soon as it was made (she knows I'm a member here) and she loves it It does say she's my goddaughter although I have corrected a person or two who assumed without reading that she was my child.
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  #25  
March 4th, 2012, 10:40 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SusieQ2 View Post
I guess this is where we differ on this. I consider moms and dads to be equal parents. My DSD's mother doesn't run everything by my DH and we don't run everything by her when DSD is here with us. He is a parent too and it's different then when 2 parents are still together. He doesn't have to bow to whatever she wants just because she's the mother.

I never asked my husband permission to put pictures of our 2 children online. He trusts my judgement as a parent.
I am with you on this one. When I asked my DH if I could use Reme's name online and put pictures on FB, he asked me to ask his ex (or to remind him to do it). Not because he was bowing to her, but because he want to make sure it was something she was doing too. If she wasn't ok with it, I wouldn't do it. She was fine with it.



And another note. Reme gets VERY upset when referred to as "my step son". He will stomp his foot and turn on the water works and insist "no I am YOUR son." He's six, and he just will not allow the fact that I did not birth him to be a reason that he is not mine (and that I am not his). His feelings should not be made less important than the adults, because really, the person that it impacts is HIM, not us. (thanks to the blended family board for helping me accept this)
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  #26  
March 4th, 2012, 02:06 PM
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Originally Posted by SusieQ2 View Post
I guess this is where we differ on this. I consider moms and dads to be equal parents. My DSD's mother doesn't run everything by my DH and we don't run everything by her when DSD is here with us. He is a parent too and it's different then when 2 parents are still together. He doesn't have to bow to whatever she wants just because she's the mother.

I never asked my husband permission to put pictures of our 2 children online. He trusts my judgement as a parent.
Right, the mom and the dad are equal parents, and being equal means the other parent knows about things like this. When it comes to privacy consent should be given by both parents, that is just simple respect to me. It isn't about bowing either, it is about communication and agreement on certain things. If the mom is not on parenting forums and/or doesn't like displaying her kids on the internet she has that right. And that right trumps the stepmom. The two parents still need to co-parent even if one or both of them are remarried.
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  #27  
March 5th, 2012, 05:36 AM
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And that right trumps the stepmom. The two parents still need to co-parent even if one or both of them are remarried.
Trumps the stepmom? Yes. Trumps the dad? No.

Sure it would be wonderful if 2 parents would still co-parent but it doesn't happen that often.

I don't view posting a picture online as such a big deal. It's not something my husband and I have long, serious conversations about. He knows I post our kids pictures online but we've never actually discussed it. As I said before, he trusts me judgment as a parent and I trust his. We discuss the big things and even the little things when we need to but we each decide stuff on our own often. I'm a stay at home mom. If I had to call him for every decision I'd be on the phone with him all day. He respects me and my decisions when it comes to parenting our children. He knows I wouldn't do anything to endanger them.

I'm not as uptight as some are about stuff online. While I think it's weird that people steal pictures I don't get all freaked out over it. It's a picture. It's not as if they've come and kidnapped my child.
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  #28  
March 5th, 2012, 06:37 AM
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Originally Posted by SusieQ2 View Post
Trumps the stepmom? Yes. Trumps the dad? No.

Sure it would be wonderful if 2 parents would still co-parent but it doesn't happen that often.


I don't view posting a picture online as such a big deal. It's not something my husband and I have long, serious conversations about. He knows I post our kids pictures online but we've never actually discussed it. As I said before, he trusts me judgment as a parent and I trust his. We discuss the big things and even the little things when we need to but we each decide stuff on our own often. I'm a stay at home mom. If I had to call him for every decision I'd be on the phone with him all day. He respects me and my decisions when it comes to parenting our children. He knows I wouldn't do anything to endanger them.

I'm not as uptight as some are about stuff online. While I think it's weird that people steal pictures I don't get all freaked out over it. It's a picture. It's not as if they've come and kidnapped my child.
Exactly! It would be wonderful if two parents truly co-parented. But the majority of the time they don't. My DH now has to pay private school expenses that he never paid before because BM decided that she was going to send DSD to private school, even though DH said no. He's so nervous about her going back to court to fight him for custody and more support, again, that he just gave in. Please tell me how is that co-parenting? Because in my eyes, and the eyes of many others it's not. So in the end I trust my DH's judgment over BMs any day.
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  #29  
March 5th, 2012, 11:03 AM
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So in the end I trust my DH's judgment over BMs any day.
My DSD's mother doesn't have very good judgment. This past spring we had a huge issue. DSD was 15 and her grades were mostly in the toilet which was unusual for her. Her mom and her mom's family decided to go on a cruise which would require DSD to miss 7 days of school. They would not be excused absences. Her school's policy was to lower the final grade by 5 pts once you hit 5 unexcused absences in a semester. That would cause her to fail almost every single class.

They needed DH's permission for her to go because she needed a passport. He refused to give permission because he did not agree with her missing that much time. She was turning 16 a few weeks after they asked. When he said no, they waited until she turned 16 and applied for and expedited the passport so that she could go because you can get a PP at 16 without parent permission. She didn't care that her daughter was doing crappy in school. At least she got to have an awesome vacation!
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  #30  
March 5th, 2012, 12:33 PM
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Originally Posted by SusieQ2 View Post
Trumps the stepmom? Yes. Trumps the dad? No.

Sure it would be wonderful if 2 parents would still co-parent but it doesn't happen that often.

I don't view posting a picture online as such a big deal. It's not something my husband and I have long, serious conversations about. He knows I post our kids pictures online but we've never actually discussed it. As I said before, he trusts me judgment as a parent and I trust his. We discuss the big things and even the little things when we need to but we each decide stuff on our own often. I'm a stay at home mom. If I had to call him for every decision I'd be on the phone with him all day. He respects me and my decisions when it comes to parenting our children. He knows I wouldn't do anything to endanger them.

I'm not as uptight as some are about stuff online. While I think it's weird that people steal pictures I don't get all freaked out over it. It's a picture. It's not as if they've come and kidnapped my child.
I never said it trumps the dad, I said just the stepmom. So if stepmom wants to display pictures on public sites then I think dad and mom need to talk about it because mom should be in the know and should get to decide.

Pictures can be a very private thing. I don't think this is the same thing "as every little thing". Not everyone wants pictures of their kids on public internet sites, and I can think of many different reasons for that than being afraid of pictures being stolen, kidnapping or just being uptight.

A picture is not just a picture on the internet though. It's an identity, a picture can also be traced back to the IP and who the person is. I use to be on a parenting site for more crunchy type mommas. It was a public forum with some locked areas. Anyways a bunch of people went to the forum without registering and stole a bunch of cloth diaper baby pictures and put them on several different fetish sites to do with kids and cloth diapers. Almost all the pictures were stolen that were posted on the parenting site. The only way someone found out was by googling a certain diaper picture to see it "in action" and found one of the forum members baby on a fetish site (came up on Google Images which linked back to the fetish site). She then went to the site to make sure her kids weren't on there, they were and so was every picture. A month later the parenting site closed up, I was so thankful that I never posted any pictures on the forum, and that is one reason why I don't post many pictures and am selective when doing it. I'm not "uptight", but I do know things like this happen and wouldn't want a stepmom or stepdad to be putting pictures of my kids on the internet without my knowledge. Once a picture is posted on the ineternet, it will likely be there forever.
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  #31  
March 5th, 2012, 01:16 PM
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Why do dad and mom need to agree? If it's OK with dad why is that not enough? Furthermore, I highly doubt a step parent is going to display a picture that is so risky that it would end up on a fetish site or something like that. There are tons of pictures posted everywhere. I've seen millions of moms post pics of their kids in diapers on FB and other sites. Pictures can be posted in a way that they are protected. It's up to the person to know how to do that. It's also up to the person to know that certain picture should not be put up in a public place.
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  #32  
March 5th, 2012, 02:51 PM
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Because mom and dad are the parents. If mom is the primary caregiver then I think she should be in the know if her child's picture is being posted on public sites on the internet. Why do only the dad and stepmom get to decide? Shouldn't a mom be allowed to decide what kind of privacy she wants for her kids? What if dad tells stepmom that is fine but bio mom does not think that's fine?

Just because two people who had a child are no longer together doesn't mean they don't need to discuss things anymore.
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  #33  
March 5th, 2012, 04:47 PM
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So because mom has residential custody she gets the final say in things? Oh and residential custody doesn't mean primary care giver. There are plenty of parent who have joint legal custody, which means all decisions are to be made jointly. But guess what happens there a good chunk of the time, the residential parent gets the final say.

When it comes to big decisions, yes, both parents should agree. However, when it comes to smaller one, like pictures, it shouldn't have to be both. Especially if one is OK with it. Also, what if mom has pics up herself and then out of spite says no I'm not OK with step mom positing pictures. Wouldn't that be hypocritical and messed up?
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  #34  
March 5th, 2012, 08:48 PM
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I was talking primary though, not when it's 50/50 (so dad only has child a handful ot times a month, not half the month).

To me pictures on the internet are a big thing though, because once a picture gets put up it's there forever, even if you delete it. It gets saved into Google and Bing images and anyone else who saved it onto their computer.

I don't agree with moms being immature, using their kids as leverage (sp) or anything like that. If a mom puts up pictures of her kids somewhere and then says no to stepmom for no real reason, just because she's now married to her X, then mom is acting like a child herself. But I do think a mother should get the final say on if her kids' pictures can be displayed publicly on the internet.
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  #35  
March 6th, 2012, 05:38 AM
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What this boils down to is that some people see pictures as a big decision and some see it as a small decision. The seems to be the determining factor in why some people don't think it needs to be discussed and some people do.
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  #36  
March 6th, 2012, 06:31 AM
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Originally Posted by HappyHippy View Post
I was talking primary though, not when it's 50/50 (so dad only has child a handful ot times a month, not half the month).

To me pictures on the internet are a big thing though, because once a picture gets put up it's there forever, even if you delete it. It gets saved into Google and Bing images and anyone else who saved it onto their computer.

I don't agree with moms being immature, using their kids as leverage (sp) or anything like that. If a mom puts up pictures of her kids somewhere and then says no to stepmom for no real reason, just because she's now married to her X, then mom is acting like a child herself. But I do think a mother should get the final say on if her kids' pictures can be displayed publicly on the internet.
A dad can still have a child a handful of days and still have joint legal custody. Not all joint legal is 50/50 split time. Just something you should be aware of before you continue to make assumptions on these matters. Split parenting isn't always a cookie cutter ideal mold. Lots of things can factor into why the father only sees a child a handful of times, like distance for example. Because of all these differences in blended families are the reasons why we shouldn't pigeon hole matters into one mold. The majority of the times, these situations need to be looked at individually instead of lumped in one group.
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  #37  
March 6th, 2012, 10:20 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by K.A.T View Post
A dad can still have a child a handful of days and still have joint legal custody. Not all joint legal is 50/50 split time. Just something you should be aware of before you continue to make assumptions on these matters. Split parenting isn't always a cookie cutter ideal mold. Lots of things can factor into why the father only sees a child a handful of times, like distance for example. Because of all these differences in blended families are the reasons why we shouldn't pigeon hole matters into one mold. The majority of the times, these situations need to be looked at individually instead of lumped in one group.
Big fat Ditto to this and everything else you've said.


I do think that if one parent is not comfortable with the pictures going online, then both parents should respect that (or all four parents). But if you are using them, then so can the other parent and their spouse.

I grew up with a father who thought the internet was the root of all evil, I think there would have been many many fights if his dementia hadn't started to rear its ugly head by the time facebook came around.
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  #38  
March 6th, 2012, 11:51 AM
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My husband has joint legal custody of his 2 dds but they live in another state with their bio mom. He has the right to post pictures of his dds on the internet without her permission as she does without his.

The reality is that most divorce parents don't co-parent to that extent. There's a reason they got divorced.... And legally there's nothing the other parent could do anyway.
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  #39  
March 6th, 2012, 06:15 PM
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^^Adopting is VERY different than stepparenting. Just FYI. Once you adopt, the child is yours, no one else's but you and the other adoptive parent.

Stepparents are not the children's actual parents. My sister is a step-parent, but her and hubby has had SOLE custody of my neice since she was 2, she adopted the child, and now that child is HERS.

BUT in cases where a bio mom IS very much a normal and active parent in their own child's life, I feel it's inappropriate for them to say my kids are theirs. My kids ARE NOT theirs, never have been, never will be. That does NOT discount the fact that stepparents may very much love the children that come into their lives. But make no mistake, I am the mother of my own children, and that's that. No one else gets to claim that title, regardless of how many hours they spend with my kids. Hell, if that were the case, I was a parent to many many many of my daycare kids. Should I say they were mine? No. i shouldn't. And YES I had those kids more than their own parents much of the time, too. It's still not appropriate, though, for me to call them "mine"

Furthermore, if I found out Dad was not talking to me about big things regarding MY children, I would be pissed. I want to know what the kids are doing. I don't want him and the new wife making those decisions because they are mine and his kids, not hers and his. I would not think he'd like me to make big decisions without talking to him first. Just because we wouldn't be together anymore doesn't mean that we just start doing what we want. We made our beds and now we have to lie in them, this means doing what may be unpleasant: communicating about our kids.
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  #40  
March 6th, 2012, 06:26 PM
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Exactly! It would be wonderful if two parents truly co-parented. But the majority of the time they don't. My DH now has to pay private school expenses that he never paid before because BM decided that she was going to send DSD to private school, even though DH said no. He's so nervous about her going back to court to fight him for custody and more support, again, that he just gave in. Please tell me how is that co-parenting? Because in my eyes, and the eyes of many others it's not. So in the end I trust my DH's judgment over BMs any day.
in this case, the mom who went against dad's wishes should pay for the school.
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Lynn
Mom to many



1 Girl 2011 and 1 Boy 2013. Their family is COMPLETE!

Surrogacy # 3 for new family?: 2014??
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