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  #41  
March 6th, 2012, 08:23 PM
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In a perfect world, that would work. But in the real world it doesn't. In the real world, lawyers get involved, legal fees rack up, and a judge can say the private school is in the best interest of the child so non residential parent needs to pay. In the end, that parent ends up paying more money because the residential parent went against the wishes of the non residential parent. It happens all the time. I've lived this personally and seen it happen in my line of work.

Also, you're missing the entire point of my post. You're wanting stepparents to automatically disclose their family dynamic just for the sake of not "claiming" said child. In my attempt get you to see that family dynamic is no one's business, I threw in adoptive parents and parents who use surrogates. I don't know if you missed it because you failed to connect the examples, or you just disregarded the examples.

I do have to agree with Leslie, it boils down to if people view pictures as something big or something small. That alone truly frames the opinions we have on this matter. I do believe that we have all agreed that on big issues, both parents should discuss and come to a joint decision. On smaller ones, joint discussions and decisions are not always needed nor wanted. Especially in cases when one parent disregards the other parent entirely, as does happen most often than not.
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  #42  
March 6th, 2012, 09:40 PM
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Adoption and surrogacy do NOT compare to step parenting. I did already say this (on adotpion) I didn't see the other analogy at all.
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  #43  
March 6th, 2012, 10:05 PM
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So, I'm actually thinking of this from the kid's perspective, and personally as a step-kid myself, I'd be very hurt if my step-mother didn't "claim" me and only "claimed" my step-brothers, and I think they'd feel the same if my dad only "claimed" me and not them. To my step-mother I'm not her husband's daughter, I am her step-daugter, key word being daughter, not step. Now, my dad started dating her when I was somewhere around 9 and got married when I was 11. And my bio-parents had a very amicable divorce. My mom introduced my dad to my step-mom. And I'm not navie enough to think that didn't have some impact. But if somone where to ask me how many parents I have (and I have been asked many questions in my life and this as never been one), I'd say I have three. My mom, my dad, and my step-mom. This takes nothing away from my mother. I don't cease being her daughter. Believe me, I am very much my mother's daughter. I adore her, she gave me life, she accepted me for who I am, she's always in my corner, she's always been my mom and is always gonna be my mom. I just get a bonus mom too. I'm special like that.

Now I am weird about my picture and the pictures of my children being on the internet. It's because of something that happened to me when I was a teenager that I really should be working out in thearpy. But my friends/family know how I feel and respect my wishes. Cause they don't suck.

My own family is a bit odd in make up, we don't really have step-parents, but we do have a parent with no legal rights. See, we're lesbians, and legally speaking all the kids are mine and DW's. Biologically speaking, DS belongs to DW and our donor, and DD3 belongs to me and our donor (same dude). Now, he signed over her rights so we could file second parent adoption paperwork. Legally, none of the kids are his. However, all the kids call him Da, view him essentially their dad type person. So, they get three parents too (they are also special like me). He "claims" them as his. Even though he had nothing to do with creating two of them, and was never their legal parent. If he only claimed DS and DD3, I think my older two daughters would be very hurt. They know they're adopted and growing in mine or DW's bellies like their younger siblings. But they also know that dosen't make them any less ours. And thus, no less donor's. While he dosen't post pictures of them on-line (because I've asked him not too), he does refer to them all as "my kids being raised by my lesbians", all four of them. And in less you're a close friend, he dosen't break down the family dynamics because it's really no one else's business.

Of course, if we're talking a bf/gf whose been around for a few months, then no. There is no claiming there. That's just kind of weird and creepy.
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  #44  
March 7th, 2012, 07:16 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GSLynn View Post
Adoption and surrogacy do NOT compare to step parenting. I did already say this (on adotpion) I didn't see the other analogy at all.
How is it not comparable? There is still a non biological parental figure raising the child. Yes, legally they don't compare. But when you're talking about "pretending" (which is an insult btw to all stepparents) to be a parent, they do. Riddle me that one batman.
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  #45  
March 7th, 2012, 09:56 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GSLynn View Post
^
Stepparents are not the children's actual parents. .
I think the correct statement would be that a step parent is not the child's "bio" parent. To me, an "actual parent" is the parent who is doing the actual parent"ING" and in some cases, its the step parent doing much of the work and not the bio parent. My ex might be my daughters "bio" but my husband is the one doing all the fathering so in my eyes, he's the actual parent.
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  #46  
March 7th, 2012, 04:27 PM
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I have just been lurking here but I wanted to jump in on this one. Only one of the four children in my siggy is my bio (the youngest) However, I claim all three children as mine. They are acutally my ex boyfriends (youngest DD's father) We were together for 12 years. The older children's mother abandoned them with us when they were 1 1/2 and 6 months old. I raised them all of thier life and they called me mommy. I left thier father about two years ago. I still get older son every other weekend and take him to all appts and everything. My exes daughter actually lives with me. Although I did not give birth to these children I am their mother and will always be and they will always be included in my siggies and family pics. I guess my situation is unique tho. Just thought i'd share.
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  #47  
March 10th, 2012, 02:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tammyjh View Post
I think the correct statement would be that a step parent is not the child's "bio" parent. To me, an "actual parent" is the parent who is doing the actual parent"ING" and in some cases, its the step parent doing much of the work and not the bio parent. My ex might be my daughters "bio" but my husband is the one doing all the fathering so in my eyes, he's the actual parent.
Not in cases where the mother is actually alive AND being a parent. I already addressed the deadbeats, and said that is a different situation. It's not about being the "bio" mom at all. It's about being the actual parent. The one who IS there. I already said that my sister is a step-parent and adopted her stepchild because mom abandoned the child. So in this case, my sister became mom. But in so many of the cases, this is NOT a fact. In MANY cases, biomom/dad IS actually being a parent.

If I send my kids to you every other weekend, YOU are NOT their mother. I AM though. I am still the actual parent parenting my child and providing for my child and ensuring everything they need, they have. You may have rules for your home and my children would be expected to obey them (just like at the sitter, a friend's or at school, too...), but that doesn't mean you're "parenting" my child(ren). That is the job of me and the ex-husband (or vice versa in situations where it's the opposite parent)

You all are assuming, maybe based on YOUR experience, that all of the biomoms/dads are not in the picture. I'm saying that there are a lot of biomoms/dads that ARE and it is unfair for you to say you're the child's parent when the child already has parents that are active in their life---their real mother and father. Plain and simple.

MY SIL is a perfect example of someone who pisses me off. She saw her stepkid once per month, no shi**ing you. She called that child hers. Clearly she didn't have any "parenting" toward the child, only rules when the child was with her for the 48 hours she was there, like anyone else would have. I met the child 3x in 15 years and she says she "raised" her. No, she didn't. The child's own mother and father raised her, NOT my SIL. I realize my SIL tells everyone she has 3 kids. She does not. She has TWO. J was NEVER hers and she didn't even parent her. That child's own mother wasn't thrilled when she found out, just like I wouldn't be, that this woman was telling people that this child was HERS and posting pictures or calling the mother a deadbeat. Furthermore, my SIL was NOT even married to this man and they were on/off all the time, and finally they are no longer together at all. That "daughter" she claimed to have? She's not bothered with her since! But she still says "I have 3 kids" Tell me that is ok with ya'll.

NOW do you get what I mean and where I'm coming from?
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  #48  
March 10th, 2012, 03:09 PM
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So your one story negates the rest? Not all step parents see kids that little. Some step parents see them for more than one day or 48 hours yet don't live with them 24/7. Lots of step parents do actually have a hand in raising the child. They spend days/weeks/months on end with their step children. They've taken them to the doctors when the bio parent couldn't. They've tended to them while sick. They've bathed them, clothed them and fed them. They've taken them shopping for their needs. They've been there to listen and give advice in situations. They've held them while they cried, and laughed with them while they laughed. They've supported them at sporting events, have been there for birthdays and other important dates. Basically they've done things that most bio parents have done for that child as well.

Now do YOU SEE where we're coming from? You're taking ONE person and her stupidity and lumping the rest in with her. That is being very unfair to the rest. I will repeat again, that blended families are not a simple cookie cutter mold family. They need to be looked at individually and then judged. If a step parent can manage to form such a strong bond with a child, no one can say that relationship is any less. If they want to claim each other as parent and child, who are you to say otherwise?
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  #49  
March 10th, 2012, 03:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GSLynn View Post
Not in cases where the mother is actually alive AND being a parent. I already addressed the deadbeats, and said that is a different situation. It's not about being the "bio" mom at all. It's about being the actual parent. The one who IS there. I already said that my sister is a step-parent and adopted her stepchild because mom abandoned the child. So in this case, my sister became mom. But in so many of the cases, this is NOT a fact. In MANY cases, biomom/dad IS actually being a parent.

If I send my kids to you every other weekend, YOU are NOT their mother. I AM though. I am still the actual parent parenting my child and providing for my child and ensuring everything they need, they have. You may have rules for your home and my children would be expected to obey them (just like at the sitter, a friend's or at school, too...), but that doesn't mean you're "parenting" my child(ren). That is the job of me and the ex-husband (or vice versa in situations where it's the opposite parent)

You all are assuming, maybe based on YOUR experience, that all of the biomoms/dads are not in the picture. I'm saying that there are a lot of biomoms/dads that ARE and it is unfair for you to say you're the child's parent when the child already has parents that are active in their life---their real mother and father. Plain and simple.

MY SIL is a perfect example of someone who pisses me off. She saw her stepkid once per month, no shi**ing you. She called that child hers. Clearly she didn't have any "parenting" toward the child, only rules when the child was with her for the 48 hours she was there, like anyone else would have. I met the child 3x in 15 years and she says she "raised" her. No, she didn't. The child's own mother and father raised her, NOT my SIL. I realize my SIL tells everyone she has 3 kids. She does not. She has TWO. J was NEVER hers and she didn't even parent her. That child's own mother wasn't thrilled when she found out, just like I wouldn't be, that this woman was telling people that this child was HERS and posting pictures or calling the mother a deadbeat. Furthermore, my SIL was NOT even married to this man and they were on/off all the time, and finally they are no longer together at all. That "daughter" she claimed to have? She's not bothered with her since! But she still says "I have 3 kids" Tell me that is ok with ya'll.

NOW do you get what I mean and where I'm coming from?
To the bold, I think its just common sense that the reactions are situational.

As far as the general statement (the second bold), I disagree because again, its situational. For example: My mom was alive and active in my life and I still consider my step mom to be an "actual" parent. I'm fine with the fact that she sometimes introduced my brother and I as her children instead of going into the "these are my step kids" documentary. When my oldest visits her dad for the summer, I don't get upset if his wife introduces her as her daughter. Its not a big issue for me.

edited because I posted before I was done my sentence and can't remember my point
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  #50  
March 10th, 2012, 04:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by K.A.T View Post
So your one story negates the rest? Not all step parents see kids that little. Some step parents see them for more than one day or 48 hours yet don't live with them 24/7. Lots of step parents do actually have a hand in raising the child. They spend days/weeks/months on end with their step children. They've taken them to the doctors when the bio parent couldn't. They've tended to them while sick. They've bathed them, clothed them and fed them. They've taken them shopping for their needs. They've been there to listen and give advice in situations. They've held them while they cried, and laughed with them while they laughed. They've supported them at sporting events, have been there for birthdays and other important dates. Basically they've done things that most bio parents have done for that child as well.

Now do YOU SEE where we're coming from? You're taking ONE person and her stupidity and lumping the rest in with her. That is being very unfair to the rest. I will repeat again, that blended families are not a simple cookie cutter mold family. They need to be looked at individually and then judged. If a step parent can manage to form such a strong bond with a child, no one can say that relationship is any less. If they want to claim each other as parent and child, who are you to say otherwise?
I don't have the time to post every single person I know who does these things and their story.

I guess I just don't believe in misleading people. It's one thing not to disclose to every stranger off the street, but to outright make people that you intend on forming some sort of bond with, believe that someone else's kids are YOURS when they are NOT? That's wrong to me, sorry.

I guess I will start counting the foster kids I had as 'mine', my daycare kids I helped 'raise' as mine, and my surrogate baby that I grew and give advice about and help my IP's with as mine too.
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  #51  
March 10th, 2012, 05:21 PM
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Who said anything about not telling people you form bonds with the truth? I'm willing to bet that step parents who form bonds with people do tell those people their family dynamic. People you form bonds with are different. They're not everyday strangers off the street, as you pointed out yourself. Therefore, people who matter are not being mislead. You're clearly projecting your own personal feelings into every blended family situation. Sorry that my siggy doesn't tell the every day stranger, like yourself, that DSD is just that DSD. But that's none of your business. The ladies who I have formed bonds with on this site and outside of here know the truth. The every day stranger, such as yourself, do not factor in nor matter in my life.
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  #52  
March 10th, 2012, 05:43 PM
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Originally Posted by K.A.T View Post
Who said anything about not telling people you form bonds with the truth? I'm willing to bet that step parents who form bonds with people do tell those people their family dynamic. People you form bonds with are different. They're not everyday strangers off the street, as you pointed out yourself. Therefore, people who matter are not being mislead. You're clearly projecting your own personal feelings into every blended family situation. Sorry that my siggy doesn't tell the every day stranger, like yourself, that DSD is just that DSD. But that's none of your business. The ladies who I have formed bonds with on this site and outside of here know the truth. The every day stranger, such as yourself, do not factor in nor matter in my life.
Fine if that's what you really believe, but then WHY bother elaborating in a few posts back, to a bunch of strangers on a forum, that you have stepchildren and defend your position about adding kids to your siggy or posting on the internet and questioning why the custodial mother gets final say? If your stepchild(ren) is/are "yours" as you so say, then you didn't need to "explain" your position because you are the 'mom' in your eyes.

I don't really care what your explanation is because it's truly not that important, we've said what we need to say and that's it, but I do find it funny you feel you have to "explain" that you have stepchildren to make a point in your posts re: this thread to a bunch of strangers you care nothing about, but at the same time tell me you don't have to do so because I'm/others are strangers here.

FYI: If you were my child's STEPMOTHER and you posted or distributed pictures of my kids w/o my permission? It wouldn't fly. That would be MY child and I and the child's father would be the ONLY one's who would make the decisions to either post or distribute their pictures on a public forum or not. Why? Because it is the right thing to do, in spite of the 'rights' as a stepmom you feel that you have. You DO NOT have that right IMO to make those kinds of decisions as long as the mother is alive and is being a parent. You should ask her permission. Doesn't matter if you like her, think she's crazy, paranoid, etc, it's just simply right to ask her. And if she says "NO?" too bad. HER child.
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  #53  
March 10th, 2012, 06:10 PM
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Umm hello for the purpose of the debate. That is what we're doing here are we not? But I guess that's a point you're missing, be it accidentally or on purpose. And many times people bring a bit of their personal lives into these things to help explain why they feel the way they do. You and everyone on here at one point in time has brought their personal lives into a debate to help get their view point across. Don't be ignorant to that fact just so you can feel better or superior about it.

I guess to give you my own FYI. If you were my stepdaughters mother, your opinion and wishes wouldn't matter. You don't live in my house. My DH does. And as I said before, it's his opinion that matters. So if that doesn't fly with you sorry charlie, again you wouldn't count. Only DH does. Oh and he knows about my siggy and other pictures that have been placed with ALL of his children in them, and he is OK with it. So I'm fine as far as I'm concerned.
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  #54  
March 10th, 2012, 06:47 PM
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I'm not a stepmother, so this is all speculation on my part, but I think I'd be far less offended by a potential stepmother calling my child "hers" than I would if she treated my child as any less than her biological children. To me, the "I'm the mom and don't you dare form any kind of bond with my child because it threatens my relationship with them" mentality is really immature and reminds me more of how a jealous teenage girlfriend would behave about her boyfriend than a parent should behave about someone acting in a loving way towards their child. If another mother, even if it is a step mother, loves your child enough to call them hers, I would think you would just be glad and thankful that they have a loving step parent instead of a hateful one.

And I agree with Liz on the picture thing. If you have the permission of one parent (i.e. the one you are married to), that is enough.
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  #55  
March 10th, 2012, 09:04 PM
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Did anyone else notice that Lynn kinda said that a step parent falls into the same category as a baby sitter?

I get the same "pay" for being with Reme as I would a biological child. I get love, and affection, and (on occasion) respect. But to lump me, and my responsibilities for that child in with a babysitter? That's just disgusting.
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  #56  
March 10th, 2012, 09:55 PM
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  #57  
March 10th, 2012, 11:01 PM
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I agree with Liz too. I think it is kind of crazy that being a step parent is equated with being a babysitter.
If DH and I ever split, I would hope that he would find a good step parent for my children. Pictures on the internet would be the least of my worries with a step mom.
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  #58  
March 11th, 2012, 07:40 AM
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Lynn, I think part of the problem is that you have been making very general, sweeping statements about step parents when its really situational. I am not a step parent but I still find a lot of your comments to be very insulting. Particularly the "just pretending" comment. And also, equating a step parent with the baby sitter is offensive as well.
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  #59  
March 11th, 2012, 08:05 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GSLynn View Post
FYI: If you were my child's STEPMOTHER and you posted or distributed pictures of my kids w/o my permission? It wouldn't fly. That would be MY child and I and the child's father would be the ONLY one's who would make the decisions to either post or distribute their pictures on a public forum or not. Why? Because it is the right thing to do, in spite of the 'rights' as a stepmom you feel that you have. You DO NOT have that right IMO to make those kinds of decisions as long as the mother is alive and is being a parent. You should ask her permission. Doesn't matter if you like her, think she's crazy, paranoid, etc, it's just simply right to ask her. And if she says "NO?" too bad. HER child.
Why all caps on the word "step mother"? Are you purposely trying to make Liz feel she is inferior because she doesn't share dna with her step daughter? Can you not wrap your mind around the possibility that there are some of us out here who are okay with our children's step parents considering themselves as "actual parents"?
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  #60  
March 11th, 2012, 08:27 AM
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So if I'm not a "parent" can I stop getting up in the middle of the night with a child who's screaming because a nightmare made him wet the bed? Stop getting up because he's hungry? Stop watching my language cause "hey, not my kid, who cares?!" Can I stop fighting with him to do his homework? To use nice language?

Of course I can't. Why? Because I'm his other mom. I didn't birth him, I didn't raise him for the first five years. But I do all the same things as his biological mother, with the exception I don't make the big decisions (though, you could say I DO make all those too because DH always asks me what I think he should do, and then does that... decision by proxy I guess.) Who does his mom call when she needs to give someone instructions about Reme? ME. Who does she talk to when she comes into the house and needs to give info? ME. Why? If you ask her she'll tell you "Because she's his mom and I know she'll get it done" (cause that's what she told DH).

I do all the same things with Reme that I would with a child I'd birthed from loving him to punishing him. I am NOT his mother, and I know that, but the ONLY place that information matters is to the adults in his life.. to him... the IMPORTANT PERSON, I am his "other mom" and he loves me. In the long run, it's his feelings, his place in the world that matters, the rest of? We've got big girl/boy panties, we can suck it up.



Lynn does it make a difference if the step parent is the one that the child lives with full time and provides daily financial and emotional support for the child? Is it just the father's new wife that gets crapped on? Or does the new husband get the same bad rap just because he was fortunate enough to come along later in life?

Seems to me like it's step mom's getting the bum rap right now...
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