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This may have been done: Discipline at someone else's house


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  #1  
April 2nd, 2012, 11:34 AM
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An acquaintance of mine's 13 yo daughter went to a friends' house Saturday. Something happened and the friend yelled at her daughter. She will NOT say what her daughter did, which leads me to be it was something that wasn't great. Normally, I would say it didn't matter, but she's gone on about it and is really upset, and wants everyone on her side. I told her I cannot make a judgment because I wasn't there, don't know what happened. She flipped her lid! So like the one time I try not to be a judgmental *******, it bites me in the butt!


I think in ordinary circumstances, kids need to be disciplined by their own parents and not someone else, but when a parent thinks their child can do no wrong, it's hard to believe that much discipline goes on at home.

She said her daughter came home and said that in response to whatever she did, the other mom yelled at her and used a couple curse words.

I really don't know what to tell her. I have said I won't make any assumptions about what happened. I don't even know if the kid is being entirely honest---she could be escalate what the mother did to de-escalate her own wrongdoing. I have no idea.

So...it brought me to the question: Is there ANY reason that is acceptable for someone else to discipline (either verbally or physically) your child or is it never acceptable. Let's say for argument's sake, no cursing is involved...is that different?


FTR: I prefer to discipline my own kids and don't agree with anyone else physically disciplining my kids. As far as yelling? It would depend on age of the kid and what exactly they did.
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  #2  
April 2nd, 2012, 11:50 AM
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I'm OK with verbal, as long as no cursing or down talking is involved. Physical...expect me to get physical with you in return. I feel that once a child reaches a certain age, it's time to let the parents deal with the outcomes and punishment. The furthest I would extend punishment to a child that isn't mine would be to send them home and not allow them in my home for a while. Then I'd call the parents and let them know what transpired.
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  #3  
April 2nd, 2012, 12:13 PM
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My kids don't really go many places but when they do and I am there - I am the disciplinarian. I will occasionally take a back seat to my MIL to keep the peace but it bugs the crap outta me. We were at a party once, one of my husband's friends wives yelled at my son and I almost went over the table at her. I had to walk away because I was so mad. My rule on getting physical with my kids is a pretty simple one: put your hands on my kid and you will be getting bailed out of jail by your family later.
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  #4  
April 2nd, 2012, 12:44 PM
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If I am not there they can call me (if it's a friends house). If it's grandparents they are allowed to discipline just like we do. No yelling, no spanking, no tapping, no cussing and no down talking or calling them naughty or bad.
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  #5  
April 2nd, 2012, 12:47 PM
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I agree with Jen. Re-directing, yes. Cursing, hell no.
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  #6  
April 2nd, 2012, 01:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyHippy View Post
If I am not there they can call me (if it's a friends house). If it's grandparents they are allowed to discipline just like we do. No yelling, no spanking, no tapping, no cussing and no down talking or calling them naughty or bad.
I do that for my mom. MIL NO WAY! She never listens to our request on discipline, so she's no longer allowed to do so or even watch our kids for that matter.
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  #7  
April 2nd, 2012, 01:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyHippy View Post
If I am not there they can call me (if it's a friends house). If it's grandparents they are allowed to discipline just like we do. No yelling, no spanking, no tapping, no cussing and no down talking or calling them naughty or bad.
I pretty much agree with this. Grandparents may discipline like DH and I do.

As for the OP, my son would no longer be going to a house where a parent used profanity towards him. Whether or not he was in the wrong, I do not agree with parents cussing at their kids in anger.
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  #8  
April 2nd, 2012, 01:16 PM
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I'm okay with another parent speaking firmly to my children if the situation warrants it. I'm also fine if my children are sent home for poor behavior or if I am called to come get them for the same reason. If they feel the need to yell at them, I would be fine with it if its something like them playing in areas that are a little too far from their sight as in "Come back here!" If they need to physically pick them up or walk them back to a safer spot in the yard, I am fine with that too. I will not tolerate anyone yelling in my child's face, swearing at them, humiliating them, spanking them, calling them derogatory names, etc..

All above rules apply to when we have other children over as well and if their parents are not okay with it, they don't have to allow their children over.
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  #9  
April 2nd, 2012, 01:28 PM
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If my children are at someone else's house they are to display nothing more than their best behaviour. If they do something that requires another parent to snap (and lets admit it, most parents let other kids get away with things their own kids wouldnt) then I would assume its really quite bad and if they want to yell at them, be my guest, because if its reached that point, its clearly something they deserve.

We have a lot of kids over at our place, and there has only been a slight few occasions where I have had to raise my voice, its my home, no one comes in and breaks my house rules, if the parents dont like it, then tough cookies, dont come back.
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  #10  
April 2nd, 2012, 02:03 PM
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With my son, he's never anywhere without me except for day care (they do time outs, redirection, and talks and are, of course, allowed to do so as needed) or maybe with my parents on the rare occasion I am at/in a wedding (and my parents don't discipline, they only spoil! Though if needed they would do time outs as well).

In this situation, with a teenager? I'm not okay with the swearing, and honestly, I think if it were me and I were at the point that I felt the need to yell at someone else's child I would send them home and let their parent know the reason the were asked to leave. Mostly to avoid this situation. The parent would be hearing the story from me first and couldn't really be upest that I "disciplined" their child. That said, if it were a small infraction, I would have no problem asking the child to do/refrain from doing something at my house in a stern voice. I would have no problem with someone doing that with DS, either.
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  #11  
April 2nd, 2012, 02:33 PM
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I can't really imagine a situation that would warrant another parent yelling at a 13 year old kid, that could otherwise be resolved by calling me (e.g. if it were that bad that they felt the need to curse and yell, they shouldn't be the ones dealing with it - it should be the parents). Otherwise, I'm okay with close friends and family disciplining the child. I've been friends for about 5 or 6 years with a family who has a daughter my kid's age, and I'm a-ok with them disciplining her when she sleeps over, and they are ok with us disciplining their kids as well. Nothing physical, but time-outs, taking things away, etc.
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  #12  
April 2nd, 2012, 03:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyHippy View Post
If I am not there they can call me (if it's a friends house). If it's grandparents they are allowed to discipline just like we do. No yelling, no spanking, no tapping, no cussing and no down talking or calling them naughty or bad.
I agree 100% with this (when my kids are older). At Avery's age, I know that it is not developmentally appropriate for her to be disciplined (or Solas). So neither I nor my parents may discipline her or him. Only redirection may be used, and a stern voice if it's a safety matter. Once she's 3, however, time-outs and small punishments (such as taking away a toy she throws, etc) can be used by me or my parents only. No one else is alone with her, but I could see allowing other people a little room if I'm at their house with her and she misbehaves. I wouldn't discipline her in any different way, or allow anyone else to. But I do think that when were at someone's house, they're allowed to set boundaries. So if they don't want her to do something, I won't allow her to do it, and would be okay if they told her not to.

When she's older, and with Maliyah, I would still only allow my parents to discipline. If they're at someone's house and misbehave in a small way, such as being rude, etc, I expect the parent/person in charge to correct her in a normal or stern voice, but I will not permit them to yell, raise their voice, or discipline. If it warrants any of that, they need to call me to pick her up and handle it myself. I do not yell at my kids, so no one else will either.
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  #13  
April 2nd, 2012, 04:39 PM
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Depends on what my child did.

If one of them ran out into traffic I could absolutely see a parent yelling "you scared the excrement out of me, don't do that again" or something along those lines. If they were just doing general annoying kid stuff and the parent chose to swear at them then I'd probably just have their kid over my house from that point on.
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  #14  
April 2nd, 2012, 06:25 PM
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Verbal warnings/punishments are primarily what I'd accept.
I don't spank, yell, talk down to, belittle, curse at, etc... my kids, so I wouldn't let anyone else do that either.
The only place they really go is my mom's and she disciplines the same way I do.

I'd expect if my kid did something that warranted more than a verbal punishment, the other parent would be calling me, and I'd most likely pick my child up. I can only see someone physically putting their hands on my kid if s/he is in immediate physical danger(ie, little kid grabbing for something they shouldn't, about to run/walk into something/somewhere they shouldn't that could seriously harm, things like this). But the only thing I would allow is for them to be picked up, verbally scolded if needed, in a stern voice(not a yelling voice) and moved. Nothing more. It's the same thing I do. Even then that would mostly apply to a little kid.

A 13 yr old shouldn't need more than a verbal punishment in a stern voice, if anything. Though I suspect most wouldn't act up to need even that, while elsewhere.
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  #15  
April 2nd, 2012, 06:43 PM
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I think if my child had a friend come over and the two of them did something bad - or just the friend did something bad - I'd send my kid to their room (if old enough to stay home alone) and drive the other kid home. Explain to mom what happened and leave it up to the parents to discipline.

If I was really upset about the broken rule or misbehavior I might tell the parent I won't be comfortable with the child coming back over until the parents are sure it won't happen again.

I don't think its wrong to discipline someone else's children, but I think discipline is most effective when it comes from the child's own parents.
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  #16  
April 3rd, 2012, 03:15 AM
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I do have to say though, id take the initial story this thread is based on with a grain of salt, after all, its source is a 13yr old girl.

My bet is that this girl was told to stop doing something in a firm voice and her pride was hurt, so the story was turned into screaming and swearing.
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  #17  
April 3rd, 2012, 04:19 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by one.juniper View Post
I think if my child had a friend come over and the two of them did something bad - or just the friend did something bad - I'd send my kid to their room (if old enough to stay home alone) and drive the other kid home. Explain to mom what happened and leave it up to the parents to discipline.

If I was really upset about the broken rule or misbehavior I might tell the parent I won't be comfortable with the child coming back over until the parents are sure it won't happen again.

I don't think its wrong to discipline someone else's children, but I think discipline is most effective when it comes from the child's own parents.
Pretty much the same for me. Granted, if my kid were to do something really stupid and/or dangerous, can understand the parent yelling as a knee-jerk reaction (minus the berating and profanity, of course), just as they would react if their own kid did something dangerous and/or stupid. When my kids are in someone else's care, I trust that they are being kept safe, and sometimes that requires correction.
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  #18  
April 3rd, 2012, 07:41 AM
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I hate to jump to the conclusion that all teens are manipulative little brats, so I won't say that she added in the swearing part, but maybe exaggerated the yelling. I could see the neighbor kids saying I "yell" at them. I'm a loud person, makes up for my size I talk firmly. The teen that used to live nextdoor called me a drill Sargent and I said thank you.
ANYWAY. I brought up this topic a while ago because my son was put in a time out at a neighbors house as discipline (he was probably 4 or already 5) so I asked what you all thought about other parent discipline. In that case I wondered why they didn't just send him home, he would have been more upset at having to leave, and probably would have learned more than being sat in a chair for a few minutes at the friends' house. This is a friend of my older son and the middle boy doesn't get to play there often so it's a big privilege to be allowed to play with the big boys.

I would be upset, and my husband would probably be in jail if a friends parent hit one of my kids. The scolding or sending home would be the only choice for my older 3. Putting a 10 year old in time out at your house seems really strange, if my 10 year old came home and said he was put in time out I probably wouldn't send him back to your house. I guess I have the benefit of most of the kids' friends being on my block, they can just be sent home, and I see the parents on a daily basis. Personally there is only one kid that I have to "yell at" here. Her parents are strange though, and they actually allow her to use their phone to call and tattle on my kids when they are playing together. Needless to say I don't answer calls from their numbers very often anymore. This was after I talked to the dad and told him about the "boy who cried wolf" calls and he said he taught her to do that because when they lived somewhere else she would forget what her tattle was about by the time he got home so he instructed her to call and tell him immediately
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  #19  
April 3rd, 2012, 11:06 AM
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Yeah, I don't know what happened. I can't say for sure, so that's why I told her simply that I couldn't make a judgment. She got really pissy with me about it and everyone else not on her "side." But, honestly, what if the kid did something so dumb? I don't know if she was cursed at. I wasn't there. We have one-half of one side of the story and I just cannot possibly tell her anything. I feel that if it were my kid, better send her home. I have kicked out kids for being disrespectful. Never had to beat them or curse at them though, but I certainly called their parents and said "Come get 'em".

I think it's incredibly important for people to communicate about this before leaving their kids w/ someone. I wouldn't let my kids just go to anyone's house...I have to trust them> She sounds like she didn't really trust this friend. But then again, she's ready to turn anyone in if their house isn't perfect like hers. (That's a whole different story), so maybe her expectations of things are much different than that of everyone else's, I don't know because all we get is her side of every story.
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  #20  
April 3rd, 2012, 11:24 AM
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Originally Posted by Repti.Mom View Post
Personally there is only one kid that I have to "yell at" here. Her parents are strange though, and they actually allow her to use their phone to call and tattle on my kids when they are playing together. Needless to say I don't answer calls from their numbers very often anymore. This was after I talked to the dad and told him about the "boy who cried wolf" calls and he said he taught her to do that because when they lived somewhere else she would forget what her tattle was about by the time he got home so he instructed her to call and tell him immediately
Unless there is something specific to the child to warrant excessive forgetfulness, my mindset is always, if you can't remember the tattle, it clearly wasn't that important anyway.
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