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Asking members not to post about their losses


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  #1  
June 29th, 2012, 05:06 AM
MindyRambo's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Quebec, Canada
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Do you think it’s justified to ask members of a DDC who have had losses to not post about it since it might scare others? I have noticed this happens a lot on all diff sections of JM. Some even suggested having a separate area in DDC’s to post about losses or scares so that members can choose whether they read that part of the board or not if they are easily freaked out.

Does that sound reasonable or hurtful?

I guess I can see both sides, but I can’t help but think of how hurt I would be if someone posted this if I had a loss.

Discuss…
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  #2  
June 29th, 2012, 06:06 AM
AMDG's Avatar Margaret
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If have not been part of a DDC but I can tell you that if this were the case there is no way I would ever be part of one. Hey, welcome! You can be part of this group UNLESS you experience a loss in which case, keep it to yourself.
How about this? If you are only capable of sharing in others' joy but not in their sorrow - don't join a DDC!
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  #3  
June 29th, 2012, 06:39 AM
MindyRambo's Avatar Super Mommy
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Exactly my feelings as well. No matter how "nicely" they try to word it, it comes off as "Please don't post about your terrible tragedy lest I feel uncomfortable about it"

Sounds selfish no matter how you twist it. I do get how it could be scary if you've had a loss and are worried about your current pregnancy and want to be positive, but it still sounds awful.
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  #4  
June 29th, 2012, 09:11 AM
Dhartanya's Avatar Paleo Mommy-to-be
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I agree sounds selfish. Most post a warning in the title, so members can choose to just not open it.
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  #6  
June 29th, 2012, 11:15 AM
Tammyjh's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I think its beyond rude and extremely hurtful to ask people not to post about their loss in the dd club that they are a part of. They're not posting about their loss to ruin your day (general you).

A disclaimer in the title is okay though.
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  #7  
June 29th, 2012, 12:28 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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I'm so glad my DDC is nothing like that. It might be because a good group of us have suffered a loss. I couldn't imagine not being able to share my sadness along with my joy. How are we supposed to bond if we can't share both? It's very rude and hurtful to the women who have suffered to be told not to mention it. The majority of ladies who've been there have put disclaimers in the title so that one may choose to read or not. As much as it pains me to say it, m/c are a part of life and pregnancies. At some point in life a lot of women have had to deal with one. I'm glad that there are ladies out there that never, to their knowledge, experienced one. But the fact of the matter most of us have, if even we don't know it.
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  #8  
June 29th, 2012, 02:09 PM
Frackel's Avatar DOh!
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That's the exact reason I would/will never be part of a DDC here again. Because it happens way more often than you think. Even if it's not stated publicly, people get pm'd about it a lot. That's what happened to me when our little boy's heart stopped beating at 13 weeks. I posted about the loss, but did so in a manner I think was quite appropriate. I didn't leave the DDC right away but got some not so nice messages from other members there both about lurking and also sharing the loss. It's not the first time I've gotten "please don't share your ****" message on JM. But it is the first time it actually bothered me. Well was, it doesn't bother me now, but it really did back then.

When someone is already going through a roller coaster of emotions, it's really best not to press their buttons. People **** well know how they'd feel if the tables were turned.

Me, I think disclaimer or not, people should be free to share what they wish, provided they remain within the rules/limits of the board/site. No one else can control how you will react to what they have to say and really shouldn't be held responsible if you get "scared" or something from reading about their experience(s). It's not really fair to pin your own emotions on another person like that, anyway.

Loss, tragedy, sadness, uneasy feelings, anxiety, depression, the mondays...these are all parts of life, like it or not. Everyone experiences them, and everyone has a different way of dealing with them. Sometimes just getting it all out there really helps people. Sometimes having a comforting "I'm so sorry" or an empathetic ear-or ten-truly helps. Sometimes punching a pillow, or tree, or ex-lover turned asshat...(ok maybe not that one) is the solution for you.

I won't say I "like" to read about losses, because that just sounds mean, but I do enjoy seeing others be there for people-even perfect strangers-in their time of need. It's a gushy moment that I think everyone needs in their life at one time or another.

Or, I could just be an idiot-which is the more likely scenario.
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  #9  
June 29th, 2012, 03:07 PM
L-SBB's Avatar Bébé Cowgirl
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I have to say as someone who has been a member of 4 different DDCs, that I guess I've been very lucky that in the 3 where I suffered a loss all of the members were incredibly supportive. Especially in my first loss, which had no symptoms and came as a huge shock, it touched me how many complete strangers reached out to comfort me even by PM.

That said, i have seen what you're describing a couple of times in other DDCs and it makes me really sad for their members. If a group can't be supportive in someone's time of need, then it isn't much of a support group to begin with. Loss posts are often either clearly marked or one could figure out from title alone that the news isn't good....and women like myself who have had the misfortune of suffering multiple losses tend to be the most sensitive in trying not to panic the first time moms, etc. in the DDC. I've actually held off joining the March DDC for a bit to spare them my potential departure until we're more certain of this pregnancy's viability.
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  #10  
June 29th, 2012, 03:58 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I stopped checked the TTCAL board. Congrats hun. I'll keep you in my thoughts for a sticky sticky baby.
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  #11  
June 29th, 2012, 05:54 PM
bellasky's Avatar Blessed
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I agree that we are here for support and really there's no bigger need for support than when you have just had a loss or a scare. I have seen the posts you are mentioning and it breaks my heart for those who had losses and felt like they were no longer welcome on the board. I think as long as there is something in the title to suggest what is going on then it shouldn't be a problem.
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  #12  
June 29th, 2012, 08:18 PM
HappyHippy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I think it's horrible. Losses are a part of pregnancy and trying for children. Life isn't always unicorns and rainbows.
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  #13  
June 29th, 2012, 08:18 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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I hope it never happens in my future DDC's... because I'll be perma banned and a Mod/Admin will come and break my computer. I would have 0 filter about it, having had 8 miscarriages (twice with twins) while I would only make one thread and then disappear, I'd be making the freaking thread to say goodbye.

Is this the thread that I'm thinking of Mindy... where the girl wanted a negative topics subforum (it wasn't for losses, but more for the "omg, this is happening am I losing the baby!?") because the DDC was at the cusp of the usual second wave of losses and the threads were numerous and she felt the board was too negative?
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  #14  
June 29th, 2012, 10:01 PM
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I think that's absurd. People are scared as it is, someone posting about a loss is not going to make a difference.
I've never experienced a loss, but I can't imagine how it would feel to have one and then have people tell me to not talk about it. That would be terrible.
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  #15  
June 30th, 2012, 03:41 PM
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Personally, when I lost my babies, the DDC I was in was there to support me. And I them, when some of them lost theirs as well. *This was not on JM* We never said "Don't post about losses" or had those kinds of rules. Either you supported BOTH or none at all.

EDIT: I thought about this a minute. If it's ok to post good things, then the person suffering the loss would be reminded of what isn't to be in their case every time all the joys are posted. So, wouldn't everyone be offending everyone?
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  #16  
June 30th, 2012, 04:05 PM
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I believe that if you can't handle hearing something sad or bad that has happened to someone else, then what are you doing socialising with people, whether that be online or out in the "real world"?
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  #17  
June 30th, 2012, 05:37 PM
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just popping in. I was part of the August 2011 DDC pregnant with twins. There were many women pregnant with twins in my DDC and singles. There were many losses, premature births, and sadly, one twin mama who lost one twin due to prematurity.

I will tell you that although it was scary (not even pregnant it is), it is no one's business to tell you not to talk about it. I have to say, and proudly I may add, that women in my DDC were nothing but supportive. We think about the women very often.
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  #18  
July 1st, 2012, 04:15 PM
SusieQ2's Avatar Jersey Girl
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I've been on JM for 6 years and I've never seen someone post asking someone not to post about their loss. That's horrible. In both DDCs that I've been a part of the women were always very supportive of the women who had miscarriages.
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  #19  
July 1st, 2012, 04:46 PM
MindyRambo's Avatar Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by plan4fate View Post
I hope it never happens in my future DDC's... because I'll be perma banned and a Mod/Admin will come and break my computer. I would have 0 filter about it, having had 8 miscarriages (twice with twins) while I would only make one thread and then disappear, I'd be making the freaking thread to say goodbye.

Is this the thread that I'm thinking of Mindy... where the girl wanted a negative topics subforum (it wasn't for losses, but more for the "omg, this is happening am I losing the baby!?") because the DDC was at the cusp of the usual second wave of losses and the threads were numerous and she felt the board was too negative?
Well I've seen it several times in different areas of the board, but yes, this is the most recent one I saw that I was thinking of.
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  #20  
July 1st, 2012, 09:45 PM
Calendula's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Asking them not to post is horrible, almost like asking them to pretend they were never expecting along with you to begin with.

In our DDC, we had one particular late loss that was really heartbreaking, but later on as a PR I remember how thrilled and happy we were when that mom came by to let us know she was expecting again, and then had a healthy baby.
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