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Making children hug and kiss relatives


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  #1  
December 12th, 2006, 04:48 AM
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I was just curious as to what you guys think of making children hug and kiss relatives. In both my family and my DH's family, you don't leave without a hug and a kiss. So, I know she'll be getting hugs and kisses goodbye from the day she is born, I'm hoping it will just be "normal" to her and she'll keep up the family tradition because I do think it's nice. However, I'm just wondering what is best if one day, she goes through a phase where she doesn't want to do it. I'm all for her learning to set her own boundaries but I also don't want her to get used to that and not want to hug and kiss relatives goodbye forever either.

What is the norm in your family?
Do you encourage your children to hug and kiss your relatives? Why or why not?
How do you/will you handle it if they refuse to?
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  #2  
December 12th, 2006, 04:59 AM
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It is completely her choice. My Grandmother and I actually got into a fight about this. My Godfather asked Raine for a kiss had she said no. He kissed her anyway and she was very displeased. She was trying to get away from him, he held her there, and afterward she was rubbing it off. My Grandmother flipped that I didn't get after HER for her behaviour. I said excues me? She said NO, he held her there and did it anyway, he's lucky she didn't bite him, because I would have. (joking, sort of I would never let her bite) It is HER choice, usually she says yes, but this time she said no. He should have respected her boundries. Regardless of her age. I think we should teach our children personal boundries, and not let them be scared to enforce them. I'm not raising a doormat.

At the same time, it's pretty much routine for Raine to give hugs and kisses goodbye, because I think that is important as well. And I hope that's important to her as well, but the final choice is hers.
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  #3  
December 12th, 2006, 05:11 AM
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Quote:
It is completely her choice. My Grandmother and I actually got into a fight about this. My Godfather asked Raine for a kiss had she said no. He kissed her anyway and she was very displeased. She was trying to get away from him, he held her there, and afterward she was rubbing it off. My Grandmother flipped that I didn't get after HER for her behaviour. I said excues me? She said NO, he held her there and did it anyway, he's lucky she didn't bite him, because I would have. (joking, sort of I would never let her bite) It is HER choice, usually she says yes, but this time she said no. He should have respected her boundries. Regardless of her age. I think we should teach our children personal boundries, and not let them be scared to enforce them. I'm not raising a doormat.

At the same time, it's pretty much routine for Raine to give hugs and kisses goodbye, because I think that is important as well. And I hope that's important to her as well, but the final choice is hers.[/b]
I think it's important that she learns to set boundaries too. Heck, sometimes you just don't feel like being lovey-dovey, it happens to us all! Plus, I would rather her be able to say no to someone and know that I am okay with that in case (God forbid) if anyone would try to touch her inappropriately.
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  #4  
December 12th, 2006, 06:43 AM
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I grew up in a non hugging kissing family and my partner has a very huggy kissy family.

I still am uncomfy when they kiss and hug me hello and goodbye but they are aware of that and just peck me on the cheek,I don't like that much either but hey it is important to them so I do it.The boys however took to it really well but I am soppy with them.

I will not force them to do it,we all have personal space bounderies that should always be respected.
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  #5  
December 12th, 2006, 06:53 AM
Jacquie's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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My family gives hugs and kisses, and DH's family doesn't. His parents are incredibly uncomfortable with physical contact. We don't want our children to pick up on their discomfort and be made to feel that hugs and kisses are wrong, but we do want them to respect the boundaries of others. This is tough to try and teach a small child. DH's parents are trying to be more affectionate - they recently started hugging us when we leave their house (they live 8 hours away, so it's not often). It feels very forced and uncomfortable though, but we're giving them space to decide how they want to act. I'm not sure what prompted the hugging, but I hope they can be more comfortable when it's hugs from the kids.

What I will not put up with is a child going around the room and giving hugs and kisses goodbye, but skipping over someone. That is rude, and hurts people's feelings, so we will teach our children that it is their choice to give hugs and kisses, but if they give to one, they give to all. This, of course, only applies to our immediate families, they would not be expected to hug and kiss everyone in the room if there were more people there. My neice didn't used to like kissing "grandpa's moustache", so tried to skip over him once or twice, and you could tell he was hurt by it. When she finally said that "grandpa's pokers tickle my nose", he thought that was the funniest thing. Someone suggested that he cover his moustache so she could kiss him, and she was happy with that.
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  #7  
December 12th, 2006, 09:20 AM
donomama
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My family is very kissy/huggy, but I will never force my kids to kiss and hug if they don't want to. I would never want the feeling of obligation to cross over if someone ever tried to touch them inappropriately. I let them set their own boundaries and personal space. I do make my daugter greet people when we arrive somewhere, or say goodbye when we leave, but I won't force her to be physical - that's up to her.
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  #8  
December 12th, 2006, 10:48 AM
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I don't make my DD hug or kiss or even go to anyone she is uncomfortable going to. It is not rude, they just have to understand a kids boundaries. There is something to be said about forcing your kids to hug and kiss relatives...just does not sit well with me. If she shies away then she will warm up to theat relative in her own time. JMO
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  #9  
December 12th, 2006, 10:52 AM
Colee's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I dont enjoy hugs from everyone...so why should I expect my kids to enjoy hugs from everyone? Before leaving a realitives house I say to the kids..."do we have hugs and kisses"?...if they say "no"...then I reply "ok,say goodbye then". It should be up to the child to give out affection,why make them uncomfortable?
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  #10  
December 12th, 2006, 10:53 AM
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and I also don't like the messages forcing your child to be huggy and kissy sends. What if you happen to have an inappropriate family member who tries funny stuff..your child remembers "mommy made me kiss and hug aunt/uncle so and so, so I have to do this and this and etc"

The message I ALWAYS want my child to know is that if she does not feel like kissing or hugging ANYONE it is okay. She can decine and still be perfectly respectful of the family member she does not want to kiss or hug. Maybe a child just won't be huggy and kissy....far worse to push it on them than to just let them embrace who they want when they want...at least then they know that they have a right to tell ANYONE no and they know they have mommies/daddies full support because they are not dealing with a memory of mom or dad forcing the kisses and hugs...'mommmy was angry the last time I didn't kiss and hug, so I better do it....' No way Jose'!
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  #11  
December 12th, 2006, 11:06 AM
Boxerlove1's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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UGH! I used to hate that crap when I was a kid

In Italian families, you don't question, you just do. There is some serious cheek pinching and squeezing involved as well. It was something that we just did, out of respect I suppose. I never let on that it drove me nuts, but it kinda did... I also knew it was just my families way of showing love, and therefore I was ok withit on some levels.

I don't know how I feel about making kids do it... some kids are just naturally more shy or reserved than others Adults shouldnt be offended by childrens reservations.
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  #12  
December 12th, 2006, 11:16 AM
glasscandie's Avatar What I make is what I am
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I am *not* a hug/kiss person at ALL, except with my immediate family. The only person who respects that in my extended family, actually, is my uncle Billy who gives me a handshake lol DH and I aren't even that lovey dovey lol I'm not a big fan of snuggling.

I wouldn't force Julia to hug someone if she didn't want to, for all the reasons and more that everyone else mentioned
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  #13  
December 12th, 2006, 11:27 AM
Adey
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I grew up in a very huggy/kissy family. But the girls don't have to give hugs and kisses if they don't want to.

Darcy's latest is "NO" and then she'll run back into the room after we've left and do hugs and kisses. Sometiems Emily won't do hugs and kisses especially with my sisters Jennifer and Taryn. We don't see them almost every week like everyone else and when w e hug it's usually goodbye for a few weeks and Emily doesn't like it. And my sisters play to it, they wait for Emily to hug and kiss them goodbye. Goodbye's take about hour sometimes.

DW's family is more huggy/kissy than mine, my SIL greats everyone in my family with hugs (well recieved). My nieces and nephews are the same they all hug everyone.
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  #15  
December 12th, 2006, 07:29 PM
*Bry*'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I also grew up in a non kissy/huggy family
My husband's family is very kissy/huggy *hard to believe but they are* (if you understood my complaints about my inlaws you'd understand why I just said that lol)
No I don't believe U should "make" a child hug and kiss relatives if they don't want to; I think pushing them to do something they don't want to do or feel uncomfortable doing is only going to "really" make them "not" want to do it.
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  #16  
December 12th, 2006, 09:25 PM
4wildflowers's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I was always made to atleast hug my extended relatives, and I hated it. It was very uncomfortable for me and I dreaded large family gatherings. I'm a private person, and my personal space is very important. I am very huggy and kissy with my parents, grandparents, best friends, and of course dh and my kids. Everyone else... not so much. I love them, but I don't want the hugs and kisses.

I remember how I felt as a child when I was forced to do that, so that's why my kids are raised the exact opposite.
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  #17  
December 13th, 2006, 12:50 PM
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Will never force him. When we leave I say "Go give Nana a hug and say bye-bye" He usually does and she'll ask for a kiss. If he feels like it he will if not he'll let you know I used to say "give Nana a kiss" too but I Marcus is REAL affectionate and since we kiss and hug so much he thinks that's normal and is doing it at daycare too. I really don't want him giving kisses to random people so we've toned that down a lot.
Back to the point though, he has his own boundaries and can decide what he would like to do.
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