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Custody/visitation with a newborn


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  #101  
April 5th, 2007, 10:07 AM
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Quote:
I think a mother's bond to her baby is just the same as a father's bond to his baby. But I feel the baby's bond to mother is slightly more right after birth because they just came out of growing inside of her for 9 months. I cannot fathom thinking that the baby would be as attatched to dad as to mom straight away.[/b]
I agree--my kids--especially DS--were WAY more attached to me. Even minutes after birth, in the delivery room, DS was completely calm when I held him and screamed his head off when ANYONE, even DH was holding him. That doesn't mean that I am a better parent, but I think it does mean that he was more attached to me.
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  #102  
April 5th, 2007, 10:07 AM
mrobinson
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I don't see it as primary caregiver because I believe Dad should be able to be around as much as he wants and to come and go see his baby as he pleases....so to me, that is joint custody I don't see it as primary just because baby sleeps in mom's house so she can feed him/her.[/b]
That's the point. It's completely possible for a baby to have two homes and a regular routine within them. You see it as the baby should be at mom's. Well that is harmful later down the road when dad FINALLY gets to have equal time with the baby at his place. By creating two environments, the baby will adapt.
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  #103  
April 5th, 2007, 10:10 AM
Pure Innocence
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Quote:
Quote:
I don't see it as primary caregiver because I believe Dad should be able to be around as much as he wants and to come and go see his baby as he pleases....so to me, that is joint custody I don't see it as primary just because baby sleeps in mom's house so she can feed him/her.[/b]
That's the point. It's completely possible for a baby to have two homes and a regular routine within them. You see it as the baby should be at mom's. Well that is harmful later down the road when dad FINALLY gets to have equal time with the baby at his place. By creating two environments, the baby will adapt.
[/b]
No.....I think Dad can have equal time with baby because he should be allowed to spend as much time as he wants with baby. Meaning going over to the mom's home or having baby come over to his with mom and they (the parents) push their issues aside for the child. I am using mom as "primary" in the case of bfing simply because she has to bfeed baby at night so baby has to be there...but other than that, both parents should see children EQUALLY. They need to work out a system that works for them so that bfing can continue and neither of them feel cheated out of time with their child.
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  #104  
April 5th, 2007, 10:11 AM
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What do you see it as then?

Pregnancy is to me carrying my child,so they can grow and hopefully after 9 mths be able to live outside my body. I see it as a lovely experience,amazing and sometimes beautiful. It is magical to feel my growing child move inside me.

BUT it is all those things to my partner too. My partner felt it was just as magical watching me grow and feeling baby move,he thought it was amazing to "see" the baby we created together go from an egg to a human being. We had all the same feelings.
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  #105  
April 5th, 2007, 10:13 AM
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Quote:
Quote:
I think a mother's bond to her baby is just the same as a father's bond to his baby. But I feel the baby's bond to mother is slightly more right after birth because they just came out of growing inside of her for 9 months. I cannot fathom thinking that the baby would be as attatched to dad as to mom straight away.[/b]
I agree--my kids--especially DS--were WAY more attached to me. Even minutes after birth, in the delivery room, DS was completely calm when I held him and screamed his head off when ANYONE, even DH was holding him. That doesn't mean that I am a better parent, but I think it does mean that he was more attached to me.
[/b]
Your baby doesn't know that he/she just came out of you. The bond is not created within the child because he/she was expelled from your womb. If a child is born and passed to it's adoptive mother, she will imprint on the infant. My DH was the first to hold Sam after he was born, the fact that Sam did not come out of my DH's body did not make this experience traumatic for him. I did not hold DS for several hours after his birth. I felt very bonded to my children immediately after birth, but I think they had to develop a bond for me in the same way they did with DH.
We are transferring our emotions of grief and separation anxiety onto the infants, IMO.
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  #106  
April 5th, 2007, 10:17 AM
mrobinson
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Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
I don't see it as primary caregiver because I believe Dad should be able to be around as much as he wants and to come and go see his baby as he pleases....so to me, that is joint custody I don't see it as primary just because baby sleeps in mom's house so she can feed him/her.[/b]
That's the point. It's completely possible for a baby to have two homes and a regular routine within them. You see it as the baby should be at mom's. Well that is harmful later down the road when dad FINALLY gets to have equal time with the baby at his place. By creating two environments, the baby will adapt.
[/b]
No.....I think Dad can have equal time with baby because he should be allowed to spend as much time as he wants with baby. Meaning going over to the mom's home or having baby come over to his with mom and they (the parents) push their issues aside for the child. I am using mom as "primary" in the case of bfing simply because she has to bfeed baby at night so baby has to be there...but other than that, both parents should see children EQUALLY. They need to work out a system that works for them so that bfing can continue and neither of them feel cheated out of time with their child.
[/b]
Why do you think I've been asking for clarification? Up to this point, you have said that baby is sleeping at mom's and because she is BFing, she is the primary caregiver. You could have saved yourself many posts by simply answering my question to you instead of rehashing.

Quote:
We are transferring our emotions of grief and separation anxiety onto the infants, IMO.[/b]
Exactly.
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  #107  
April 5th, 2007, 10:17 AM
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Quote:
Quote:
I think a mother's bond to her baby is just the same as a father's bond to his baby. But I feel the baby's bond to mother is slightly more right after birth because they just came out of growing inside of her for 9 months. I cannot fathom thinking that the baby would be as attatched to dad as to mom straight away.[/b]
I agree--my kids--especially DS--were WAY more attached to me. Even minutes after birth, in the delivery room, DS was completely calm when I held him and screamed his head off when ANYONE, even DH was holding him. That doesn't mean that I am a better parent, but I think it does mean that he was more attached to me.
[/b]

cursing my children right now for not being more attached to me than their father

Quote:
our baby doesn't know that he/she just came out of you. The bond is not created within the child because he/she was expelled from your womb. If a child is born and passed to it's adoptive mother, she will imprint on the infant. My DH was the first to hold Sam after he was born, the fact that Sam did not come out of my DH's body did not make this experience traumatic for him. I did not hold DS for several hours after his birth. I felt very bonded to my children immediately after birth, but I think they had to develop a bond for me in the same way they did with DH.
We are transferring our emotions of grief and separation anxiety onto the infants, IMO.[/b]


I often wonder about surrogate mothers. When baby is passed straight to the mother who did not carry the child,do they cry a lot to start with? I think we just WANT to feel our babies are more attached to us,when in reality,they are not.
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  #108  
April 5th, 2007, 10:17 AM
Pure Innocence
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Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
I think a mother's bond to her baby is just the same as a father's bond to his baby. But I feel the baby's bond to mother is slightly more right after birth because they just came out of growing inside of her for 9 months. I cannot fathom thinking that the baby would be as attatched to dad as to mom straight away.[/b]
I agree--my kids--especially DS--were WAY more attached to me. Even minutes after birth, in the delivery room, DS was completely calm when I held him and screamed his head off when ANYONE, even DH was holding him. That doesn't mean that I am a better parent, but I think it does mean that he was more attached to me.
[/b]
Your baby doesn't know that he/she just came out of you. The bond is not created within the child because he/she was expelled from your womb. If a child is born and passed to it's adoptive mother, she will imprint on the infant. My DH was the first to hold Sam after he was born, the fact that Sam did not come out of my DH's body did not make this experience traumatic for him. I did not hold DS for several hours after his birth. I felt very bonded to my children immediately after birth, but I think they had to develop a bond for me in the same way they did with DH.
We are transferring our emotions of grief and separation anxiety onto the infants, IMO.
[/b]
Well, maybe it's different for each person/couple/mother/father....but you shouldn't tell others that their baby didn't know that they just came out of them that is only your opinion.
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  #109  
April 5th, 2007, 10:19 AM
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Just like it is an opinion that a baby is automatically more bonded to birth mother. It isn't fact.
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  #110  
April 5th, 2007, 10:19 AM
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Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Pure Innocence @ Apr 5 2007, 11:49 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
<div class='quotemain'>
I think a mother's bond to her baby is just the same as a father's bond to his baby. But I feel the baby's bond to mother is slightly more right after birth because they just came out of growing inside of her for 9 months. I cannot fathom thinking that the baby would be as attatched to dad as to mom straight away.[/b]
I agree--my kids--especially DS--were WAY more attached to me. Even minutes after birth, in the delivery room, DS was completely calm when I held him and screamed his head off when ANYONE, even DH was holding him. That doesn't mean that I am a better parent, but I think it does mean that he was more attached to me.
[/b]
Your baby doesn't know that he/she just came out of you. The bond is not created within the child because he/she was expelled from your womb. If a child is born and passed to it's adoptive mother, she will imprint on the infant. My DH was the first to hold Sam after he was born, the fact that Sam did not come out of my DH's body did not make this experience traumatic for him. I did not hold DS for several hours after his birth. I felt very bonded to my children immediately after birth, but I think they had to develop a bond for me in the same way they did with DH.
We are transferring our emotions of grief and separation anxiety onto the infants, IMO.
[/b][/quote]

Well, maybe it's different for each person/couple/mother/father....but you shouldn't tell others that their baby didn't know that they just came out of them that is only your opinion.
[/b][/quote]

How did you come to the conclusion that babies know they just came out of their mother?
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  #111  
April 5th, 2007, 10:21 AM
Pure Innocence
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Heartbeat, scent, voice........
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  #112  
April 5th, 2007, 10:24 AM
Cereal Killer's Avatar I'm climbin' in yo window
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Quote:
Heartbeat, scent, voice........[/b]
Everyone has a heartbeat. I really hope that I smell completely different inside than outside. The voice sounds different from inside than out as well.

An infant does not have the ability, the self awareness, to know that it just came out of you.
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  #113  
April 5th, 2007, 10:24 AM
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My dh was the first to hold our son. And he did so several times before I could (c-section). In no way do I feel like at the time of birth I was more bonded with my child. I think those bonds do strengthen, often more-so for moms. Why? Becasue MOM is generally the one who takes the maternity leave. If it was the father that stayed home every day for the first couple months with baby...I would imagine his bond would be stronger. My son had no clue (I'm sure) that he came from MY body.

I didn't know I didn't come from my mom's. Yet our bond is VERY very strong.
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  #114  
April 5th, 2007, 10:24 AM
mrobinson
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Quote:
Heartbeat, scent, voice........[/b]
You can hear your own heartbeat underwater.. In a different medium that air.. After going out the birth canal, how would you know the heartbeat, scent and voice to be the same? It's a completely different medium. Also, because involved dad's were outside of the womb, the child would have about the same familiarlity with him in the new medium of air.
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  #115  
April 5th, 2007, 10:25 AM
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Quote:
Quote:
Heartbeat, scent, voice........[/b]
Everyone has a heartbeat. I really hope that I smell completely different inside than outside. The voice sounds different from inside than out as well.

An infant does not have the ability, the self awareness, to know that it just came out of you.
[/b]
Ditto to all of the above. Especially the smell part! AND...babies hear their FATHERS too!!! What makes MY voice so much more special than his? Oh...and they heard all 3 of our dogs barking too...he loves our dogs. But I certainly wouldn't call them (dogs) care-givers.
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  #116  
April 5th, 2007, 10:32 AM
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I still think a mom's bond to her baby AT BIRTH, is stronger than the dad's, or anyone else's.

Over time though, the dad could have just as much of a bond. Or even a stronger one. Same goes for adoptive parents, babysitters, or anyone else who spends a lot of time with the child.
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  #117  
April 5th, 2007, 10:43 AM
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Quote:
I still think a mom's bond to her baby AT BIRTH, is stronger than the dad's, or anyone else's.

Over time though, the dad could have just as much of a bond. Or even a stronger one. Same goes for adoptive parents, babysitters, or anyone else who spends a lot of time with the child.[/b]
I think even this though depends on the individual. There are women I know who didn't feel "bonded" to their baby or even enjoy motherhood until the baby was more "mobile" and able to do things.
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  #118  
April 5th, 2007, 10:47 AM
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There is no way my baby could be away from me for long periods of time. He is very attached to me. I am both boys primary caregiver. Even when I was working I was. Dh barley gives baths ect... Jonathan's feeding are so speratic. Sometimes he nurses every hour sometimes ever two. When I FF Jay it was more pretidictible. I think exceptions should be made if a Mother BF's. Like the father can come over when ever he wants or the mother can go over to his place so the baby gets used to it.
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  #119  
April 5th, 2007, 10:48 AM
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Quote:
Quote:
I still think a mom's bond to her baby AT BIRTH, is stronger than the dad's, or anyone else's.

Over time though, the dad could have just as much of a bond. Or even a stronger one. Same goes for adoptive parents, babysitters, or anyone else who spends a lot of time with the child.[/b]
I think even this though depends on the individual. There are women I know who didn't feel "bonded" to their baby or even enjoy motherhood until the baby was more "mobile" and able to do things.
[/b]
Yep.

I did not bond with my 2nd son for a long time. I wish I had known it was normal at the time. I do not know if it was some type of PPD or what,but his father bonded with him quicker than I did.
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  #120  
April 5th, 2007, 11:20 AM
Pure Innocence
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My dh was the first to hold our son. And he did so several times before I could (c-section). In no way do I feel like at the time of birth I was more bonded with my child. I think those bonds do strengthen, often more-so for moms. Why? Becasue MOM is generally the one who takes the maternity leave. If it was the father that stayed home every day for the first couple months with baby...I would imagine his bond would be stronger. My son had no clue (I'm sure) that he came from MY body.

I didn't know I didn't come from my mom's. Yet our bond is VERY very strong.[/b]
I'm not speaking of a mother or fathers bond with baby. I'm speaking of a babys bond beings lightly stronger towards mother than father. I feel that babies absolutely know who mommy is when they come out. Birth or adoption doesn't determine ones bond with their parents.

Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Heartbeat, scent, voice........[/b]
Everyone has a heartbeat. I really hope that I smell completely different inside than outside. The voice sounds different from inside than out as well.

An infant does not have the ability, the self awareness, to know that it just came out of you.
[/b]
Ditto to all of the above. Especially the smell part! AND...babies hear their FATHERS too!!! What makes MY voice so much more special than his? Oh...and they heard all 3 of our dogs barking too...he loves our dogs. But I certainly wouldn't call them (dogs) care-givers.
[/b]
Nothing makes your voice more important than the fathers. The baby hears your voice non-stop and is more familiarized with your voice than the fathers so the baby recognizes you as comfort (due to familiarization) when they are born because you are what they are most used to.
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