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  #2  
April 27th, 2007, 05:35 PM
rdhdtrue's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Again .. the less trauma to the child the better. It is not all about you. You give up that right when you have children.

editing to ADD

If that is how it was from the beginning no harm done. But both of my boys asked me repeatedly about this and it was a BIG issue for them. I was very torn between them and my "soon to be" new husband. If I would not have remarried I would of kept their name. Their Dad cheated on me as big as can be but it was not about him either. It was what was best for the boys.
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  #4  
April 27th, 2007, 05:40 PM
rdhdtrue's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Again .. the less trauma to the child the better. It is not all about you. You give up that right when you have children.

editing to ADD

If that is how it was from the beginning no harm done. But both of my boys asked me repeatedly about this and it was a BIG issue for them. I was very torn between them and my "soon to be" new husband. If I would not have remarried I would of kept their name. Their Dad cheated on me as big as can be but it was not about him either. It was what was best for the boys.[/b]
I added this a second after the first second so let me know what you debate after you read it. Thanks!!!
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  #6  
April 27th, 2007, 05:50 PM
rdhdtrue's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Again .. the less trauma to the child the better. It is not all about you. You give up that right when you have children.

editing to ADD

If that is how it was from the beginning no harm done. But both of my boys asked me repeatedly about this and it was a BIG issue for them. I was very torn between them and my "soon to be" new husband. If I would not have remarried I would of kept their name. Their Dad cheated on me as big as can be but it was not about him either. It was what was best for the boys.[/b]
I added this a second after the first second so let me know what you debate after you read it. Thanks!!!
[/b]
I don't understand it then. It seems like a double standard. What do you mean 'from the beginning'? As in, if they were never married? What's the difference? My oldest still asked, but it hasn't been an issue since.
[/b]
Ummm I am not going to change your opinion so I am not sure why you keep asking but my opinion, and I have stated it numerous times, is the child comes first. ANY trauma you can save them that is your job. If you never had the name in the beginning then you can not help that.
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  #7  
April 27th, 2007, 05:56 PM
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Quote:
Again .. the less trauma to the child the better. It is not all about you. You give up that right when you have children.

editing to ADD

If that is how it was from the beginning no harm done. But both of my boys asked me repeatedly about this and it was a BIG issue for them. I was very torn between them and my "soon to be" new husband. If I would not have remarried I would of kept their name. Their Dad cheated on me as big as can be but it was not about him either. It was what was best for the boys.[/b]
How do you justify your bolded statement... if not sharing the same last name is the issue, then how is it any less traumatizing when they find out at age 4 that they've never shared one parents name.... or if it is changing at age 4....

Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(rdhdtrue @ Apr 27 2007, 07:35 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
<div class='quotemain'>
Again .. the less trauma to the child the better. It is not all about you. You give up that right when you have children.

editing to ADD

If that is how it was from the beginning no harm done. But both of my boys asked me repeatedly about this and it was a BIG issue for them. I was very torn between them and my "soon to be" new husband. If I would not have remarried I would of kept their name. Their Dad cheated on me as big as can be but it was not about him either. It was what was best for the boys.[/b]
I added this a second after the first second so let me know what you debate after you read it. Thanks!!!
[/b]
I don't understand it then. It seems like a double standard. What do you mean 'from the beginning'? As in, if they were never married? What's the difference? My oldest still asked, but it hasn't been an issue since.
[/b][/quote]

Ummm I am not going to change your opinion so I am not sure why you keep asking but my opinion, and I have stated it numerous times, is the child comes first. ANY trauma you can save them that is your job. If you never had the name in the beginning then you can not help that.
[/b][/quote]
So if there isn't a choice since you weren't married, which name do you propose the child to have?
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  #8  
April 27th, 2007, 06:37 PM
rdhdtrue's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Quote:
Again .. the less trauma to the child the better. It is not all about you. You give up that right when you have children.

editing to ADD

If that is how it was from the beginning no harm done. But both of my boys asked me repeatedly about this and it was a BIG issue for them. I was very torn between them and my "soon to be" new husband. If I would not have remarried I would of kept their name. Their Dad cheated on me as big as can be but it was not about him either. It was what was best for the boys.[/b]
How do you justify your bolded statement... if not sharing the same last name is the issue, then how is it any less traumatizing when they find out at age 4 that they've never shared one parents name.... or if it is changing at age 4....

Quote:
<div class='quotemain'>
Quote:
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(rdhdtrue @ Apr 27 2007, 07:35 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
<div class='quotemain'>
Again .. the less trauma to the child the better. It is not all about you. You give up that right when you have children.

editing to ADD

If that is how it was from the beginning no harm done. But both of my boys asked me repeatedly about this and it was a BIG issue for them. I was very torn between them and my "soon to be" new husband. If I would not have remarried I would of kept their name. Their Dad cheated on me as big as can be but it was not about him either. It was what was best for the boys.[/b]
I added this a second after the first second so let me know what you debate after you read it. Thanks!!!
[/b]
I don't understand it then. It seems like a double standard. What do you mean 'from the beginning'? As in, if they were never married? What's the difference? My oldest still asked, but it hasn't been an issue since.
[/b][/quote]

Ummm I am not going to change your opinion so I am not sure why you keep asking but my opinion, and I have stated it numerous times, is the child comes first. ANY trauma you can save them that is your job. If you never had the name in the beginning then you can not help that.
[/b][/quote]
So if there isn't a choice since you weren't married, which name do you propose the child to have?
[/b][/quote]

Point A - The child has known no difference so it should not be as traumatic plus you had no options on who's last name you would take.

Point B - My sister gave my niece our last name and there was no issue there. If the father is not in the picture or you are not married at the time of birth I have no issues with the baby having the Mom's last name.
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  #9  
April 27th, 2007, 06:42 PM
Niamh ૐ's Avatar Green Mama Goddess
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Quote:
So, if not having the same last name as your child means that you don't think of your child first, then what about single parents? Does that make all single parents selfish too??? I think that is ridiculous quite honestly.

My mom kept her last name when she divorced my dad, and then later remarried my stepdad when I was 16 and changed her last name. I didn't care in the slightest. It's just a name. It didn't mean she didn't love me any less, that she was no longer my mother, etc. It was just a last name!

Smaller children, I can see the confusion. But once the conversation has taken place, I honestly cannot see how I could be permanently and selfishly damaging them by not sharing their last names (their fathers last name). I was never married to him, but still.

I think sometimes, ESPECIALLY in a particularly BAD relationship/marriage, the mother shouldn't HAVE to keep that last name. If the father is truly a POS, she doesn't (or shouldn't) HAVE to do it.[/b]
I agree. Same situation for me. My mom and dad got a divorce (I was 6), my mom went back to her maiden name, then remarried and changed her name again (I was 8 when she remarried). Didnt bother me at all. Its just a name.
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  #10  
April 27th, 2007, 06:45 PM
rdhdtrue's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Ok I will give you this... I was not a product of divorce ... so to me it is a big deal. And as I have mentioned before it was a big deal to my son's when I was talking about changing my name and I seriously considered not doing it because of that, which my dh had an issue of that and I was torn. I am speaking of MY personal experience.
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  #11  
April 27th, 2007, 06:47 PM
*Leslie*'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Again .. the less trauma to the child the better. It is not all about you. You give up that right when you have children.

editing to ADD

If that is how it was from the beginning no harm done. But both of my boys asked me repeatedly about this and it was a BIG issue for them. I was very torn between them and my "soon to be" new husband. If I would not have remarried I would of kept their name. Their Dad cheated on me as big as can be but it was not about him either. It was what was best for the boys.[/b]
How do you justify your bolded statement... if not sharing the same last name is the issue, then how is it any less traumatizing when they find out at age 4 that they've never shared one parents name.... or if it is changing at age 4....

Quote:
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Mommieof3 @ Apr 27 2007, 07:42 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
<div class='quotemain'>
Quote:
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(rdhdtrue @ Apr 27 2007, 07:35 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
<div class='quotemain'>
Again .. the less trauma to the child the better. It is not all about you. You give up that right when you have children.

editing to ADD

If that is how it was from the beginning no harm done. But both of my boys asked me repeatedly about this and it was a BIG issue for them. I was very torn between them and my "soon to be" new husband. If I would not have remarried I would of kept their name. Their Dad cheated on me as big as can be but it was not about him either. It was what was best for the boys.[/b]
I added this a second after the first second so let me know what you debate after you read it. Thanks!!!
[/b]
I don't understand it then. It seems like a double standard. What do you mean 'from the beginning'? As in, if they were never married? What's the difference? My oldest still asked, but it hasn't been an issue since.
[/b][/quote]

Ummm I am not going to change your opinion so I am not sure why you keep asking but my opinion, and I have stated it numerous times, is the child comes first. ANY trauma you can save them that is your job. If you never had the name in the beginning then you can not help that.
[/b][/quote]
So if there isn't a choice since you weren't married, which name do you propose the child to have?
[/b][/quote]

Point A - The child has known no difference so it should not be as traumatic plus you had no options on who's last name you would take.

Point B - My sister gave my niece our last name and there was no issue there. If the father is not in the picture or you are not married at the time of birth I have no issues with the baby having the Mom's last name.
[/b][/quote]

To Part A - I don't see how it would be less traumatic... if you think it would be at all, then it only seems logical that it would be at anytime they found out... bottom line no matter the time frame or manner is that the child has a different last name than one of their parents.... that is supposedly the damaging part, so I just don't see the difference here.... at one point or another the child is going to find out...... I just don't see one way any more or less damaging than the other..... this isn't a big issue to me, hadn't really even thought about it much, so it's interesting to see different perspectives...
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  #12  
April 27th, 2007, 06:49 PM
rdhdtrue's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Apr 2005
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Posts: 5,202
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Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(rdhdtrue @ Apr 27 2007, 08:35 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
<div class='quotemain'>
Again .. the less trauma to the child the better. It is not all about you. You give up that right when you have children.

editing to ADD

If that is how it was from the beginning no harm done. But both of my boys asked me repeatedly about this and it was a BIG issue for them. I was very torn between them and my "soon to be" new husband. If I would not have remarried I would of kept their name. Their Dad cheated on me as big as can be but it was not about him either. It was what was best for the boys.[/b]
How do you justify your bolded statement... if not sharing the same last name is the issue, then how is it any less traumatizing when they find out at age 4 that they've never shared one parents name.... or if it is changing at age 4....

Quote:
<div class='quotemain'>
Quote:
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(rdhdtrue @ Apr 27 2007, 07:35 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
<div class='quotemain'>
Again .. the less trauma to the child the better. It is not all about you. You give up that right when you have children.

editing to ADD

If that is how it was from the beginning no harm done. But both of my boys asked me repeatedly about this and it was a BIG issue for them. I was very torn between them and my "soon to be" new husband. If I would not have remarried I would of kept their name. Their Dad cheated on me as big as can be but it was not about him either. It was what was best for the boys.[/b]
I added this a second after the first second so let me know what you debate after you read it. Thanks!!!
[/b]
I don't understand it then. It seems like a double standard. What do you mean 'from the beginning'? As in, if they were never married? What's the difference? My oldest still asked, but it hasn't been an issue since.
[/b][/quote]

Ummm I am not going to change your opinion so I am not sure why you keep asking but my opinion, and I have stated it numerous times, is the child comes first. ANY trauma you can save them that is your job. If you never had the name in the beginning then you can not help that.
[/b][/quote]
So if there isn't a choice since you weren't married, which name do you propose the child to have?
[/b][/quote]

Point A - The child has known no difference so it should not be as traumatic plus you had no options on who's last name you would take.

Point B - My sister gave my niece our last name and there was no issue there. If the father is not in the picture or you are not married at the time of birth I have no issues with the baby having the Mom's last name.
[/b][/quote]

To Part A - I don't see how it would be less traumatic... if you think it would be at all, then it only seems logical that it would be at anytime they found out... bottom line no matter the time frame or manner is that the child has a different last name than one of their parents.... that is supposedly the damaging part, so I just don't see the difference here.... at one point or another the child is going to find out...... I just don't see one way any more or less damaging than the other..... this isn't a big issue to me, hadn't really even thought about it much, so it's interesting to see different perspectives...
[/b][/quote]

If that is your piece of mind .... so be it ... I will not change my opinion.
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Miss Dani has Hurler's Syndrome (MPS1) and had a Bone Marrow Transplant 11/09/2006. Check out how she is doing here http://danicaboni.blogspot.com
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  #13  
April 27th, 2007, 06:57 PM
chlodoll
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I do not have the same last name as either of my parents! I was born before they were married so I took my mother maiden name. They married when I was three and my Mom took my Fathers name but they seperate only two years later, my mom never changed her name back and my name was always kept the same. I never felt anything about having a different last name, it didnt effect me at all. Currently my last name is different then my sons and I really have no intention of changing it.
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  #14  
April 27th, 2007, 07:19 PM
Mega Super Mommy
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FFS!
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  #15  
April 27th, 2007, 07:27 PM
Caeden&#39;sMama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
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Quote:
FFS![/b]
Huh?
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  #16  
April 27th, 2007, 07:32 PM
Tanya G's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Quebec
Posts: 3,929
Quote:
So, if not having the same last name as your child means that you don't think of your child first, then what about single parents? Does that make all single parents selfish too??? I think that is ridiculous quite honestly.

My mom kept her last name when she divorced my dad, and then later remarried my stepdad when I was 16 and changed her last name. I didn't care in the slightest. It's just a name. It didn't mean she didn't love me any less, that she was no longer my mother, etc. It was just a last name!

Smaller children, I can see the confusion. But once the conversation has taken place, I honestly cannot see how I could be permanently and selfishly damaging them by not sharing their last names (their fathers last name). I was never married to him, but still.

I think sometimes, ESPECIALLY in a particularly BAD relationship/marriage, the mother shouldn't HAVE to keep that last name. If the father is truly a POS, she doesn't (or shouldn't) HAVE to do it.[/b]

If having a different last name is damaging then every child born in the last 20-30 years in my province of residence are damaged hahahaha!

population of Quebec: Population: 7,651,000 (2006 est.)

from wikipedia.

I cannot tell you how many children were born since the time that the law came into effect but here in Quebec when you get married you DO NOT take the husbands name, a married couple keeps their own birth names. So when you have children of your own, you decide if you want your child to have the fathers or mothers last name or a hyphenated name. for example... fathers last name is jones, mothers is smith. You could pick one or the other or you could go with jones-smith for your child. Id say most people are traditional around here and choose the fathers last name because if you kept hyphenating it would be ridiculous after several generations. In any case, the vast majority of Quebec born children have share their last name with only one of their parents. And I wouldnt say a single one of them feels at all traumatised for it. I know that I come from a different place than everyone else, but I guess that just shows that if a child does feel traumatized, its only because society made them.
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  #17  
April 27th, 2007, 07:46 PM
Caeden&#39;sMama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
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Posts: 1,765
Quote:
Quote:
So, if not having the same last name as your child means that you don't think of your child first, then what about single parents? Does that make all single parents selfish too??? I think that is ridiculous quite honestly.

My mom kept her last name when she divorced my dad, and then later remarried my stepdad when I was 16 and changed her last name. I didn't care in the slightest. It's just a name. It didn't mean she didn't love me any less, that she was no longer my mother, etc. It was just a last name!

Smaller children, I can see the confusion. But once the conversation has taken place, I honestly cannot see how I could be permanently and selfishly damaging them by not sharing their last names (their fathers last name). I was never married to him, but still.

I think sometimes, ESPECIALLY in a particularly BAD relationship/marriage, the mother shouldn't HAVE to keep that last name. If the father is truly a POS, she doesn't (or shouldn't) HAVE to do it.[/b]

If having a different last name is damaging then every child born in the last 20-30 years in my province of residence are damaged hahahaha!

population of Quebec: Population: 7,651,000 (2006 est.)

from wikipedia.

I cannot tell you how many children were born since the time that the law came into effect but here in Quebec when you get married you DO NOT take the husbands name, a married couple keeps their own birth names. So when you have children of your own, you decide if you want your child to have the fathers or mothers last name or a hyphenated name. for example... fathers last name is jones, mothers is smith. You could pick one or the other or you could go with jones-smith for your child. Id say most people are traditional around here and choose the fathers last name because if you kept hyphenating it would be ridiculous after several generations. In any case, the vast majority of Quebec born children have share their last name with only one of their parents. And I wouldnt say a single one of them feels at all traumatised for it. I know that I come from a different place than everyone else, but I guess that just shows that if a child does feel traumatized, its only because society made them.
[/b]
Crazy... So even if she WANTED to, a woman couldn't take on her husband's name?? Are ANY name changes allowed? (Honestly curious here...)
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  #18  
April 27th, 2007, 08:15 PM
rdhdtrue's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: St. Louis MO
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Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
So, if not having the same last name as your child means that you don't think of your child first, then what about single parents? Does that make all single parents selfish too??? I think that is ridiculous quite honestly.

My mom kept her last name when she divorced my dad, and then later remarried my stepdad when I was 16 and changed her last name. I didn't care in the slightest. It's just a name. It didn't mean she didn't love me any less, that she was no longer my mother, etc. It was just a last name!

Smaller children, I can see the confusion. But once the conversation has taken place, I honestly cannot see how I could be permanently and selfishly damaging them by not sharing their last names (their fathers last name). I was never married to him, but still.

I think sometimes, ESPECIALLY in a particularly BAD relationship/marriage, the mother shouldn't HAVE to keep that last name. If the father is truly a POS, she doesn't (or shouldn't) HAVE to do it.[/b]

If having a different last name is damaging then every child born in the last 20-30 years in my province of residence are damaged hahahaha!

population of Quebec: Population: 7,651,000 (2006 est.)

from wikipedia.

I cannot tell you how many children were born since the time that the law came into effect but here in Quebec when you get married you DO NOT take the husbands name, a married couple keeps their own birth names. So when you have children of your own, you decide if you want your child to have the fathers or mothers last name or a hyphenated name. for example... fathers last name is jones, mothers is smith. You could pick one or the other or you could go with jones-smith for your child. Id say most people are traditional around here and choose the fathers last name because if you kept hyphenating it would be ridiculous after several generations. In any case, the vast majority of Quebec born children have share their last name with only one of their parents. And I wouldnt say a single one of them feels at all traumatised for it. I know that I come from a different place than everyone else, but I guess that just shows that if a child does feel traumatized, its only because society made them.
[/b]
Crazy... So even if she WANTED to, a woman couldn't take on her husband's name?? Are ANY name changes allowed? (Honestly curious here...)
[/b]

Again ... I have stated this at least twice ( I think) between the two threads. I DID change my last name away from my sons. But they had an issue with it at the beginning and if they would of continued having an issue with it I would not of done it. I do not need to be remarried if it comes to the determent (sp?) of my children. It turns out they love their stepdad at least as much as their real dad, which was my gut instinct.

I am not stating that every child with a different last name is going to have emotional issues for the rest of their lives. I am stating I am going to do the least possible to cause emotional trauma in their lives. The divorce was not my call either.
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  #19  
April 27th, 2007, 08:42 PM
Pure Innocence
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There are situations where children will be upset about it....but for the most part, changing a name is no harm done. It's a name. It won't traumatize anyone...upset yes, due to change, and no one likes change...but it won't scar anyone for life.
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  #20  
April 27th, 2007, 08:51 PM
Tanya G's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Quebec
Posts: 3,929
Quote:
So, if not having the same last name as your child means that you don't think of your child first, then what about single parents? Does that make all single parents selfish too??? I think that is ridiculous quite honestly.

My mom kept her last name when she divorced my dad, and then later remarried my stepdad when I was 16 and changed her last name. I didn't care in the slightest. It's just a name. It didn't mean she didn't love me any less, that she was no longer my mother, etc. It was just a last name!

Smaller children, I can see the confusion. But once the conversation has taken place, I honestly cannot see how I could be permanently and selfishly damaging them by not sharing their last names (their fathers last name). I was never married to him, but still.

I think sometimes, ESPECIALLY in a particularly BAD relationship/marriage, the mother shouldn't HAVE to keep that last name. If the father is truly a POS, she doesn't (or shouldn't) HAVE to do it.

If having a different last name is damaging then every child born in the last 20-30 years in my province of residence are damaged hahahaha!

population of Quebec: Population: 7,651,000 (2006 est.)

from wikipedia.

I cannot tell you how many children were born since the time that the law came into effect but here in Quebec when you get married you DO NOT take the husbands name, a married couple keeps their own birth names. So when you have children of your own, you decide if you want your child to have the fathers or mothers last name or a hyphenated name. for example... fathers last name is jones, mothers is smith. You could pick one or the other or you could go with jones-smith for your child. Id say most people are traditional around here and choose the fathers last name because if you kept hyphenating it would be ridiculous after several generations. In any case, the vast majority of Quebec born children have share their last name with only one of their parents. And I wouldnt say a single one of them feels at all traumatised for it. I know that I come from a different place than everyone else, but I guess that just shows that if a child does feel traumatized, its only because society made them.
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Crazy... So even if she WANTED to, a woman couldn't take on her husband's name?? Are ANY name changes allowed? (Honestly curious here...)
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name changes are definitely allowed but its as costly as changing your name for any given reason, you have to pay fees just like if you suddenly wanted to change your name from Mary to Martha. There are definetely still a few traditional Quebecers out there who are not fond of the fact that they don't get to take on their husbands name, but I would say the vast majority don't care. I personally like it because I dont think a name means that much and the paperwork involved in changing names can be complicated. I worked for the government before I had my son and it can be very exhausting trying to find someone who got married... divorced, remarried etc. I guess I simply think that legally it keeps things simple. I remember as a child writing my name with my crushes last name next to mine and I certainly can see why that is exciting, and yet once I realized that that was not how things worked in my province I grew up just knowing that that was how things were, and it never bothered me that I would keep my own name when I got married. My son has a different last name than I do and I honestly don't think it will bother him at all. When we were deciding on which last name to give him, I had to be traditional though, because I love his father very much and I wanted everyone to know that he was his son.
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Thank you Rawisner for the Siggy!

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