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  #2  
April 28th, 2007, 10:45 AM
Caeden'sMama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
I saw this question on another forum I sometimes lurk on, and I find the question interesting as it has some personal applications for me.

What constitutes an affair? Is it only sexual? Can it be without sex? Can a relationship recover from either?


I'll post my answers later.[/b]
I think an affair can definitely encompass more than just sex. Basically, an affair is turning to someone other than your partner for those things you should be turning TO them for. Whether that be emotional stuff or physical stuff.

This is a very personal thing for me too, because i found out my husband had been having an online affair while i was pregnant and Caeden was a newborn. Obviously there was no PHYSICAL contact, but there was very sexual talk, flirting, derogatory comments about me, and plans to run off together. I know a lot of people think that it isn't as bad, or even cheating at all... But trust me, it hurts just as bad, and was just as damaging... if not more so.
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  #3  
April 28th, 2007, 10:50 AM
SusieQ2's Avatar Jersey Girl
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I agree with Caeden'smama that an affair isn't just about sex and that it is when you turn to another person for the things you should turn to your partner for.

I definitely consider what her husband did to be cheating/affair. (I'm so sorry you had to go through that!).

I think some relationships can recover from it. I guess it all depends on the people involved and the situation at hand. There are a lot of different scenarios and each one I might react differently to.
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  #4  
April 28th, 2007, 10:59 AM
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Affairs can be sexual or emotional, each just as devastating as the other. I believe some couples can recover from affairs and regain trust, love and respect for one another. However, I can only imagine that the affair leaves an emotional bruise on the victim and the foundation of the relationship that is forever there. Sometimes, an affair hurts the foundation of the relationship so much that a couple can get past the affair but finds themselves unable to deal with other normal stressors that they were once able to in times before the affair had taken place and was revealed.
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  #5  
April 28th, 2007, 11:04 AM
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Cheating and affairs are two different things to me.

I tend to think of an affair as someone who is seeing someone else for a long period of time,having a relationship with that person. Maybe it is just sentementics but I feel they are different.

Cheating is simple to me,if you break the "rules" of you relationship then it is cheating. If a couple decides that THEY think watching porn is cheating and one of them does it behind the others back it could be classed TO THEM as cheating.

It is for every couple to decide what they think is cheating at the start of their relationship,it is not for anyone else to decide for others.

me and my SO have different definitions of cheating and we came up with what we consider cheating together,it may not be what you think is cheating,but that is not for anyone to decide for others.
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  #6  
April 28th, 2007, 01:24 PM
rdhdtrue's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Ok ... my opinion .. which is not further than my nose ... If either the SO has a relationship online or personally and have guilty feelings about it (i.e. telling dark/personal secrets or physical relationships) that is an affair. Porno is not an affair or cheating. Neither is reading Playboy or Hustler.
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  #7  
April 28th, 2007, 01:29 PM
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Quote:
Ok ... my opinion .. which is not further than my nose ... If either the SO has a relationship online or personally and have guilty feelings about it (i.e. telling dark/personal secrets or physical relationships) that is an affair. Porno is not an affair or cheating. Neither is reading Playboy or Hustler.[/b]

IYO

It my relationship watching porn would be. That is the deal we came up with together. Porn doesn't fly in this relationship,we feel it is cheating for US. I will not say it is cheating to others because I do not get to decide on that.

What about if the SO does this and has no guilty feelings about it?
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  #8  
April 28th, 2007, 01:35 PM
rdhdtrue's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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[quote]
Quote:

What about if the SO does this and has no guilty feelings about it?
I am not saying we watch them together .... It's a movie.... not real life. I would not get involved with anyone that thought a movie was real life. There is mental issues at that point.
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  #9  
April 28th, 2007, 01:37 PM
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[quote]
Quote:
Quote:

What about if the SO does this and has no guilty feelings about it?
I am not saying we watch them together .... It's a movie.... not real life. I would not get involved with anyone that thought a movie was real life. There is mental issues at that point.



I have no idea why you are talking about movies not being real life and mental issues? What has that got to do with my post and porn?
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  #10  
April 28th, 2007, 01:42 PM
rdhdtrue's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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[quote]
Quote:
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What about if the SO does this and has no guilty feelings about it?
I am not saying we watch them together .... It's a movie.... not real life. I would not get involved with anyone that thought a movie was real life. There is mental issues at that point.



I have no idea why you are talking about movies not being real life and mental issues? What has that got to do with my post and porn?

Maybe I misunderstood the question .... as can happen on the web. I took your question that is bolded that my dh watches pornos and does not feel guily about it. Is that not what you meant? Please let me know the correct interperation (sp?).
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  #11  
April 28th, 2007, 01:49 PM
Mega Super Mommy
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[quote]
Quote:
Quote:
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What about if the SO does this and has no guilty feelings about it?
I am not saying we watch them together .... It's a movie.... not real life. I would not get involved with anyone that thought a movie was real life. There is mental issues at that point.



I have no idea why you are talking about movies not being real life and mental issues? What has that got to do with my post and porn?

Maybe I misunderstood the question .... as can happen on the web. I took your question that is bolded that my dh watches pornos and does not feel guily about it. Is that not what you meant? Please let me know the correct interperation (sp?).

Not at all I was not talking about your DH.

I was actually joking. You said it was cheating if they do this stuff and feel guility. I was joking about saying "what If a man does this stuff but doesn't feel guilty does that mean it is not cheating. Get me? It was a joke. I know nothing about your husband
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  #12  
April 28th, 2007, 01:56 PM
rdhdtrue's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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[quote]
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:

What about if the SO does this and has no guilty feelings about it?
I am not saying we watch them together .... It's a movie.... not real life. I would not get involved with anyone that thought a movie was real life. There is mental issues at that point.



I have no idea why you are talking about movies not being real life and mental issues? What has that got to do with my post and porn?

Maybe I misunderstood the question .... as can happen on the web. I took your question that is bolded that my dh watches pornos and does not feel guily about it. Is that not what you meant? Please let me know the correct interperation (sp?).

Not at all I was not talking about your DH.

I was actually joking. You said it was cheating if they do this stuff and feel guility. I was joking about saying "what If a man does this stuff but doesn't feel guilty does that mean it is not cheating. Get me? It was a joke. I know nothing about your husband
You obviously missed my posting on the debate ettiquete (sp?) ( winking at Stacey) post about not enjoying jokes and debates. But it is definitely your perogative. I am a stick in the mud ... just ask some of the girls.
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  #13  
April 28th, 2007, 02:55 PM
Cereal Killer's Avatar I'm climbin' in yo window
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Quote:
You obviously missed my posting on the debate ettiquete (sp?) ( winking at Stacey) post about not enjoying jokes and debates. But it is definitely your perogative. I am a stick in the mud ... just ask some of the girls.[/b]

*laughter stifled* Yes, she is, I have even given her a theme song!
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  #14  
April 28th, 2007, 03:52 PM
Mega Super Mommy
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affairs of any kind can be damaging to a relationship.

My husband has gotten so wrapped up in his internet girls that he told me the week before last that i dont exsist to him anymore, all bc i simply told him i loved him
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  #15  
April 28th, 2007, 03:57 PM
Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
affairs of any kind can be damaging to a relationship.

My husband has gotten so wrapped up in his internet girls that he told me the week before last that i dont exsist to him anymore, all bc i simply told him i loved him[/b]



My heart aches for you. I am sorry.
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  #16  
April 28th, 2007, 04:10 PM
mommyKathyX3
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Cheeting can be anything from lustful looks to actually sleeping with someone. It depends on the couple. Heck even look at swingers, its not even cheeting for them unless they dont know about it. You can sleep with whoever as long as the other person ok's it. Now that is SO wrong in my eyes and relationship, but it may not be in thiers. I do think the number one thing that determines cheeting, is DOES THE OTHER PERSON KNOW ABOUT THIS?? Like my husband is a HUGE flirt, but I know that he is, and its just his way of being nice. If anyone starts getting the idea that its more than just a "flirt" he backs off and lets them know he's just playing around. Heck he'll do it in front of me. Now my friend would have a flippin heart attack if her hubby flirted with someone and would call him a cheater.
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  #17  
April 28th, 2007, 09:12 PM
ahixon
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Yes cheating can be more than physical contact, in my opinion if it is something you wouldn't do in front of you husband/wife then it is wrong. Also, yes a releshionship can recover from cheating, my releshionship is proof of this. I cheated on my husband, we actually filed for divorce, but we decided to try to work it out, and now we are actually happier than we ever were before. Honestly, and I know that this is going to sound crazy, but my cheating actually saved our marriage, not saying that I should have done it, it was the worse mistake I have ever made in my life, but had I not cheated we were headed for divorce, and since I did and we decided to work things out, it made us be alot more honest about what we wanted/expected out of each other because at that point we had nothing to lose and everything to gain. I hope all of that made sense.
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  #18  
April 29th, 2007, 05:17 AM
chloe82
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To me, what constitutes cheating is whether or not you're doing/saying something that you wouldn't do/say right in front of your SO. So it kind of depends on what your SO would consider cheating. I don't think it just has to be physical/sexual, it can also be emotional...turning to another person with things you should be turning to your SO with instead. It's putting someone else in your SO's place without their knowledge. To me, cheating would be anything physical he wouldn't do in front of me (the obvious, plus holding hands, flirty touching, etc), confiding in someone with private matters when he SHOULD be coming to me, harbouring feelings for someone that cross the line of friendship/caring, and looking at other women lustfully (that includes porn). Those are the boundaries that we have determined for ourselves in our relationship, we hold ourselves to pretty strict standards when it comes to fidelity, mostly because of our spiritual beliefs. (Jesus stated that even looking at another woman with lust in your heart means you're committing adultery, hence the no porn rule for us).
I also strongly believe that a relationship can be saved after infidelity. It would require the person who was cheated on to be able to forgive AND decide to trust again. It is possible, with a lot of determination and strength of character.
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  #19  
April 29th, 2007, 06:46 AM
Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
To me, what constitutes cheating is whether or not you're doing/saying something that you wouldn't do/say right in front of your SO. So it kind of depends on what your SO would consider cheating. I don't think it just has to be physical/sexual, it can also be emotional...turning to another person with things you should be turning to your SO with instead. It's putting someone else in your SO's place without their knowledge. To me, cheating would be anything physical he wouldn't do in front of me (the obvious, plus holding hands, flirty touching, etc), confiding in someone with private matters when he SHOULD be coming to me, harbouring feelings for someone that cross the line of friendship/caring, and looking at other women lustfully (that includes porn). Those are the boundaries that we have determined for ourselves in our relationship, we hold ourselves to pretty strict standards when it comes to fidelity, mostly because of our spiritual beliefs. (Jesus stated that even looking at another woman with lust in your heart means you're committing adultery, hence the no porn rule for us).
I also strongly believe that a relationship can be saved after infidelity. It would require the person who was cheated on to be able to forgive AND decide to trust again. It is possible, with a lot of determination and strength of character.[/b]

I could have wrote that

Not the Jesus part though,my reasons are not religious but partly spiritual.
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