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Hiding things from the other parent


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  #1  
April 29th, 2007, 03:24 PM
::er!ca::'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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When you were growing up, did your mom and/or dad keep things from the other parent in regards to the things you (or siblings) were doing. If your mom/dad told you that you couldn't do something, would the other go ahead and let you... but not tell the other that they gave permission. Would one parent make up a lie to "cover" for you so you could do something (staying out later, going to someone's house that one parent didn't want you to, going on a date, going to a party, etc). Did one parent supply you with birth control, but not inform the other about this decision?

Will you do these things for your children? If so, which ones?

What is your opinion on parents who do these things?
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  #2  
April 29th, 2007, 03:37 PM
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Yeah, my mom did a lot of this sort of thing before and after they divorced when I was 15. I think it is healthier for all if Mom and Dad will work together and support each other, but in some situations that might just be impossible.
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  #3  
April 29th, 2007, 03:38 PM
::er!ca::'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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And for the last two lines of questions?!
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  #5  
April 29th, 2007, 04:15 PM
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Oh my parents used to drive me crazy with this when I was younger. I could never tell one parent anything without the other parent knowing. Eventually, it got to a point where I didn't tell either of them anything that I didn't want the other to know.

However, now that I am older I can understand their reasoning for it. I plan to make sure that my DH and I discuss everything about our children and keep each other informed.

My mom used to tell my dad everything. I remember telling her when my best friend got her period and I made her promise not to tell anyone because I didn't want my friend to be embarrassed. Of course right away she told my dad like he really needed to know!
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  #7  
April 29th, 2007, 04:55 PM
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When you were growing up, did your mom and/or dad keep things from the other parent in regards to the things you (or siblings) were doing. If your mom/dad told you that you couldn't do something, would the other go ahead and let you... but not tell the other that they gave permission. Would one parent make up a lie to "cover" for you so you could do something (staying out later, going to someone's house that one parent didn't want you to, going on a date, going to a party, etc). Did one parent supply you with birth control, but not inform the other about this decision? My parents where pretty much uniform and would not give into me if the other said no. The only exception was my Mom let me get my ears pierced three times and my Dad was not happy with it but did not have a fit after the fact.

Will you do these things for your children? If so, which ones? I am still learning and if a different situation because of being remarried but right at the moment we stand by each other in our decisions and the boys respect that. Dani might be the difference because she is diffently a Daddy's girl.

What is your opinion on parents who do these things? I am just not one to hide things from others. I usually do not do them if I am ashamed. I am pretty upfront and honest with everyone.
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  #8  
April 29th, 2007, 07:34 PM
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Quote:
And for the last two lines of questions?![/b]
Sorry, I just kinda wandered off, didn't I...?

No, I would not do this, and I seriously doubt my DH ever has or would either. Like I said, we strongly believe that parents should work as a team and be on the same page as far as the children know, even if they disagree privately.

My opinion of parents who do this would depend on the situation. If Mom doesn't tell Dad about something because Dad would violently over-react, that would be more understandable than if her motive was somehow selfish (such as if she didn't want to deal with discipline, or if she just wanted to "earn points" with the kid).
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  #9  
April 29th, 2007, 11:38 PM
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Quote:
When you were growing up, did your mom and/or dad keep things from the other parent in regards to the things you (or siblings) were doing. If your mom/dad told you that you couldn't do something, would the other go ahead and let you... but not tell the other that they gave permission. Would one parent make up a lie to "cover" for you so you could do something (staying out later, going to someone's house that one parent didn't want you to, going on a date, going to a party, etc). Did one parent supply you with birth control, but not inform the other about this decision?[/b]
Yes my dad was afraid I'd get hurt in sports but my mother understood my desire to play. My dad keep secrets for me if I didn't want my mom to know. We acually use to have car rides where we'd just talk and it was the best times I remember.
Quote:
Will you do these things for your children? If so, which ones?[/b]
There are certain things my husband would not be able to handle, I am responsible for handling these issues. I'm sure there are things that are the same for him. There will be things that just the boys would want to talk about and some me and mom times.
Quote:
What is your opinion on parents who do these things?[/b]
A lot of desitions are not up to parents as kids get older, I see parents more as guides then "rulers". A kid will find a way to do whatever they want. I don't feel it's healthy to do all the time but sometimes it's okay.
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  #10  
April 30th, 2007, 04:14 AM
koakoba's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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My parents used us kids to fight with each other. One would let us do something, then tell us not to tell the other parent.... it was a nightmare.... We won't do this. I can see some things being kept between my daughter and I, being a female and all - but just stuff about cramps and what hygene products to use, all the important stuff will be delt with openly.
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  #11  
April 30th, 2007, 04:19 AM
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Yes and no. My Mom omitted certain details from my Dad that involved my brothers and I. It was always small things and nothing major. My parents worked together as a team when we were young but sometimes we would ask my Mom to not tell our Dad something. However, my parents never "covered" for us. We were either allowed to go somewhere or not. They agreed on our rules we had to follow and wouldn't let any of us "off the hook" so to speak.

Did one parent supply you with birth control, but not inform the other about this decision?
I was put on birth control at a very young age to stop my period due to Endometriosis. My Mom and Dad always told me that if I wanted to be sexually active to make sure I was using protection. They said if I wanted birth control or condoms then they would supply it. But it never came to that.

Will you do these things for your children? If so, which ones?
I won't hide a lot from John but maybe a couple small things. Nothing major at all. I wouldn't hide giving my child birth control because I think that is something the Father needs to know as well. I also wouldn't cover for my child unless I absolutely had to.

What is your opinion on parents who do these things?
I'm not sure. I don't think it's right to hide major things from a parent but who am I to talk? It's been months since I told my Mom I was pregnant and asked her to keep it from my Dad. She hasn't told him yet. So really I can't have an opinion in the matter.
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  #12  
April 30th, 2007, 06:56 AM
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When you were growing up, did your mom and/or dad keep things from the other parent in regards to the things you (or siblings) were doing. If your mom/dad told you that you couldn't do something, would the other go ahead and let you... but not tell the other that they gave permission. Would one parent make up a lie to "cover" for you so you could do something (staying out later, going to someone's house that one parent didn't want you to, going on a date, going to a party, etc).

Not on the major stuff. My parents did a very good job of providing that "united front" everyone talks about. It wasn't this impenetrable wall, but it was a gentle yet firm way of us knowing that they were a team and we couldn't pit them against each other. I learned later in life that they didn't always agree (in fact, more often they didn't), but I never would have known. I'm definitely taking a page out of their book on that one, because it really helped to keep me out of trouble.

They did, however make exceptions for very minor things or for stuff that only one parent would truly understand. Like when I got my first period and I begged mom to not tell dad. Being a parent now, I'm sure she told him privately so he'd at least know - but he never let on that he knew so that I wouldn't be uncomfortable. Or when dad would relax the rules at home a little bit if mom was out, because I had earned his trust. And on occasion when we were shopping at the mall and I really wanted something (as a teen)... even though their rule was that I paid for extras myself, mom might have picked up a blouse that I had my eye on. She'd use her super-secret cash stash, look at me and say, "Don't tell your father" with just the slightest hint of a smile.

Did one parent supply you with birth control, but not inform the other about this decision?

No way - they both raised me with the no sex before marriage rule. I didn't fulfill that wish of theirs, but that's another story.

Will you do these things for your children? If so, which ones?

DH and I are trying our best to provide that same gentle united front to our kids. It can stop them from getting into trouble, but can also give them some much-needed confidentiality from time to time.

I plan on approaching sexual conduct with them differently, though. My parents made absolutely no effort to educate me on birth control, because as far as they were concerned I wasn't going to have sex at all. I learned about condoms and other forms at school or from my friends. Thankfully I had a school with a complete education program, as well as friends I could trust. My kids, however, might not be so lucky. So DH and I will tell them whatever they need to know so they can make a good decision.

What is your opinion on parents who do these things?

If by "these things" you mean keeping MAJOR secrets about your kid or allowing them different rules on a regular basis, I think they're setting themselves up for disaster.
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  #13  
April 30th, 2007, 02:21 PM
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My parents were pretty much a united front. It was very frustrating as a child, but I would rather have a frustrated child than a child who is confused and does not know what the boundaries are.

When parents start hiding things from each other, it teaches the child that it's ok to lie, it's ok to disrespect your spouse and it's ok to disregard your spouse's opinion. It teaches the kid to disrespect and lie right along with you. Worst, it shows the kid that you are not really in control... this can make the child feel very insecure about his/her place and role in the family. Kids need boundaries so that they can feel comfortable just being kids.

These are the reasons why my DH and I have agreed to always be a united front. If we have disagreements, we're adults, we can work it out.
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  #14  
April 30th, 2007, 04:01 PM
~*Dina*~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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YES! My mom hid lots of stuff from my dad.

Did one parent supply you with birth control, but not inform the other about this decision? Yes, my mother did put me on birthcontrol and NOT tell my dad, but my dad found the bag of pills in my top dresser drawer.
My mom would let me skip school and told me not to tell my dad or if I got caught that she didnt know nothing about it. And thats only a couple of situations my mom kept from my dad.

Will you do these things for your children? If so, which ones? NO. I dont think what my mom did was right. I have def. learned a lot from my mom's mistakes.

eta, Dh and I are a very "united front"

What is your opinion on parents who do these things? I agree w/the poster that said, its better for everyone if mom and dad are together on things. NO matter what it is.
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  #15  
May 6th, 2007, 05:58 PM
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[quote]
When you were growing up, did your mom and/or dad keep things from the other parent in regards to the things you (or siblings) were doing. If your mom/dad told you that you couldn't do something, would the other go ahead and let you... but not tell the other that they gave permission. Would one parent make up a lie to "cover" for you so you could do something (staying out later, going to someone's house that one parent didn't want you to, going on a date, going to a party, etc). Did one parent supply you with birth control, but not inform the other about this decision?: My mom generally kept things that were girl related away from my dad, nothing serious. If my mom would say no to something i would always go abck and ask my dad because i knew he'd say yeah....thinking about it i don't know why i just didn't go to him first lol. Neither of them covered for me.

Will you do these things for your children? If so, which ones?: no, we'll stand together lol

What is your opinion on parents who do these things?: i think it's a bad idea =.Most likely it'll set up major trust issues, imo.
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  #16  
May 6th, 2007, 06:05 PM
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Quote:
Did one parent supply you with birth control, but not inform the other about this decision?[/b]
LOL!
When I was 16 I had a large cyst inside my ovary explode and ended up in the ER. When I saw my gyno a week later she wanted to put me on BC to keep me from ovulating so it wouldn't happen again. So I was like great! Cuz I had been on BC for free from the clinic ever since I started having sex at 16, and neither of my parents knew. So my mom said okay, but I'll tell your dad that it's "hormone therapy" so he won't freak out. And to this day neither of them know that I was secretly on BC or that I had sex before I was married.
The other big thing was that I spent the night at my boyfriend's house and lied to my dad about it, and when my mom got home that night he told her where I SAID I was, and she figured out that I was really at my boyfriend's. The next morning she told me she knew, and she didn't think I had done anything (which I hadn't) and she gave me the choice whether or not to come clean with my dad. I chose not to and she was relieved lol!
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  #17  
May 6th, 2007, 06:07 PM
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  #18  
May 7th, 2007, 06:12 AM
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My parents were a united front when I was growing up. There were occasional "girl stuff" things that my mom didn't share with my dad, but not to hide them, just because he didn't WANT to know He is kind of squeamish about, er, feminine issues. They would never think of covering for me or anything like that, nor did they ever keep anything important from each other.

IMO, in a healthy relationship, parents are a team and it's essential that they do not hide things from each other, about their children or not. DH and I are and plan to continue to be an equal partnership when it comes to Eric, I would never cover for him or keep anything important from DH and I believe he is the same.

I can't judge parents who do these things however, because I can see situations where it would be justified - abusive relationships, etc. It does set up trust issues, etc, between a couple though.
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  #19  
May 7th, 2007, 06:33 AM
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my parents work together yet at the same time sort of 'hide' stuff but I think its only done with the best intentions

my mom won't tell dad certain things that might work him into a frenzy and likewise dad with mom

there are some situations either/or can handle and the other can't deal with eg. my bipolar disorder, some of my daughter's teen problems she had last year, etc.

After a while sometimes things come out in the open and everyone so far realises it was in everyone's best interest that certain things were witheld (spl?) during a crisis time and its okay.

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  #20  
May 7th, 2007, 08:16 AM
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My parents were so dis-united that it was pathetic. I remember every time we went shopping for clothes or really anything at all, at the cash register my mom would always say "Don't tell your dad that I bought this. If you do I'll take it away from you." Apparently my dad wasn't aware that kids need clothes and stuff, but I don't know where he thought all that stuff was coming from if my mom didn't buy it for us.

Anyway, DH and I don't do that--we have a pretty good marriage where we actually COMMUNICATE with each other about just about everything. When DD gets into trouble at school (she's in kindergarten so it's not like she's in REAL trouble for anything big yet) she used to say "Don't tell daddy--he'll be mad at me." But she's learned that's just not a option at our house.
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