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Affair proofing your marriage (spinoff)


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  #1  
April 30th, 2007, 02:54 PM
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What do you think are some ways that couples can affair proof their marriages so that infidelity does not happen to them? An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure as the old cliche goes.
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  #2  
April 30th, 2007, 03:08 PM
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I do not think we can ever affair proof a marriage, we can take steps to help of course but we can never control the other person. Here is what I think may help affairs happening so much.


Communication- constantly talking through problems so you can always work through any problems that arise. The main key is communication.

Marrying someone who has the same values as you

Pre marital counselling to help talk through any issues etc

Not forming too many close bonds with members of the opposite sex, or just being careful if you do, make sure your spouse is the first person you go to when you need support.

Really, to be honest, I think the key is communication, talk about things. If you think your needs are not being met you need to discuss it and if you can not work it out get your butts into counselling or learn the art of compromise.
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  #4  
April 30th, 2007, 03:27 PM
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Quote:
Oh FOO!

I started typing out a loooooong response to this, but I started crying which means I'm too emotional to be practical in this topic.

Sigh.

I wish I knew. I don't have the answers, and I guess I never did. I would like to think that we'll get to a point where I never worry about it again, but I don't know if we will.

Man, I do not have a clear, coherent response to this topic.

Beh.[/b]



((((hugs)))

No one has the answers. All we can do it try to prevent it but at the end of the day we can not control the other person. I do think there are steps we can take but life isn't black and white and it is a lot easier to do on paper than it is in real life.

I hope you can start to heal soon. If you ever need a shoulder, feel free to PM me anytime. Lots of love xxxx
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  #5  
April 30th, 2007, 03:56 PM
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If You Are Having Problems:

# Turn toward your partner — not away. You absolutely cannot fix a problem inside a relationship by turning outward. All that does is create problems.

# Don't play games in your head. It is a short step from thought to action.

# Don't confuse reality with fantasy. We often forget that there's a difference between falling in love and being in love. You can't expect a love that grows to be like it was on the first date.

# If you want to have a good partner, be a good partner. Put 100 percent into your marriage.

# Is your marriage in a rut? "Bored people are boring," says Dr. Phil. Find a passion, get energized, find some time together to rediscover the love and commitment you have for one another.

# Work on your marriage every single day — not just during the bad times. Wake up each day and ask yourself, "What can I do today that will make my marriage better."

# Make a plan together to renegotiate your relationship. If you've gotten off track, it's never too late to get back to a better place.

# Take care of yourself. Eat healthy, exercise and look your best. Feeling good about yourself will radiate and your spouse will notice.





Formula For Success:

1. Your relationship must be based on a solid, underlying friendship. Friends talk, laugh, share, and do things they're interested in together. Don't stop being friends just because you're each other's spouse.

2. Your relationship has to meet the needs of the two people involved. Understand what your partner's needs are so you can meet them. Figure out what your own needs are and communicate them. If your needs are not being met, communicate and negotiate. Don't let resentment build.

From www.drphil.com

I know not a lot of people like him, but I think he gives some good advice here.
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  #6  
April 30th, 2007, 04:01 PM
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get him castrated
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  #7  
April 30th, 2007, 04:03 PM
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Quote:
get him castrated[/b]
LMFAO

Or that.
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  #8  
April 30th, 2007, 04:15 PM
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To be honest,I dont think we can prevent certain things from happening We dint have that much control..
I have always been totally supportive of my husband,I love him more than anything and I have always bent over backwards to please him.
Even so,2 years ago (this month) he did cheat on me with a girl he met in a hotel whilst he was out with some friends.She was a German tourist and she was married and had a 12 year old son.DH caught her eye,and she would wait for her husband to go up to their room each night so that she could sit and talk with MY husband at the bar
Meanwhile I was at home with my kids trusting him blindly and feeling happy that he was having fun with some friends after a hard days work.
They talked and talked and saw each other every night for 2 weeks..and then she left.But instead of leaving it at that,they started text messaging each other with their cell phones.The messages were very graphic (sexually) and some were even extremely romantic..I thought I had lost DH and that they were inlove...they even made plans for her to come back without her husband/son a few weeks later,and that they would have a romantic holiday together.
That didnt happen,she did come back (alone)..but he never got to see her and she was p¡$$ed! (she had walked out on her husband and son to be with mine)..I found the messages after feeling something was wrong..and It broke my heart.I couldent think what I had done wrong and I felt SO stupid to have trusted DH the way I did..I had let him do as he pleased because I trusted him,and he had used that trust to cheat on me.
I thought I had done everything in my power to prevent this from happening..I had been a good,loving,supportive wife who trusted my husband with such strength that I had never questioned him or felt insecure...I had done everything he asked me to and tried so hard to live up to his standards that I wasnt even me anymore...my whole life revolved around him and what he wanted.I didnt even remember how to be without him...
We worked through it,but I am a changed woman and I no longer beleive that this is something we can prevent no matter what we do
As a wife,I am more relaxed because I realised that I didnt have to be little miss perfect..it hadent worked,so finally,I could be me kwim? My trust is gone and I also realised that DH isnt as perfect as I thought he was either and that marriage doesnt protect us from this sort of thing which is scary..
We comunicate more now,and in some ways our relationship is better..but I will never let my guard down again.
I couldent prevent it
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  #9  
April 30th, 2007, 05:22 PM
Caeden'sMama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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i too don't think there's anything you can do to prevent it... The only person you can control is yourself, so if your spouse is going to betray you, he/she's going to do that no matter what. All you can do is prevent YOURSELF from cheating on your spouse, but unfortunately, that's not going to do anything to stop the other person.
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  #10  
April 30th, 2007, 06:07 PM
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If they are gonna cheat you can not stop them.
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  #11  
April 30th, 2007, 06:08 PM
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Oddly enough--I'm reading a book called "The Highly Effective Marriage" or something like that and it addresses this issue.

It says that if someone were perfectly happy in a marriage they wouldn't stray(aside from mental health issues). That if someone cheats, there is something he is not getting out of the marriage. The book goes in detail explaining how men NEED sex in order to be happy in marriage. When men have sex it makes them feel 'loved, wanted, accepted' and that is one of the biggest reasons the crave it so much. And in order for a woman to be treated well by her husband--he must first be happy, and vice versa. So the woman needs her emotional needs met, and the man his sexual needs before each can make the other happy. It's kind of a catch 22.

But you all should really read that book! It's great.
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  #12  
April 30th, 2007, 06:33 PM
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I agree with much of what you said HoorahFly. There is so much truth to that. I also highly agree with marrying somene with similiar values and goals. I cannot imagine if my husband and I were not on the same page over so many issues. Since both of us have the ulitimate goal of heaven, I feel pretty secure that he will never wander.
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  #13  
April 30th, 2007, 06:38 PM
::er!ca::'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I think if you lock your spouse in the basement, you could affair proof your marriage. Kidding of course.

I don't think there is a way to 100% Affair proof your marriage. Just keep good communication, be open and honest, be aware, give respect and trust and things should work in your favor.

Quote:
The book goes in detail explaining how men NEED sex in order to be happy in marriage.[/b]
My DH definitely doesn't NEED sex in order to be happy in our marriage. Trust me on that one! Yes, we have sex... but it isn't something that he "needs" or "craves" . If anything, I'm the one who craves it I don't mean that in a negative way, I just mean that I definitely would like to have it way more than he would... and we are both definitely happy in our marriage.
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  #14  
April 30th, 2007, 06:41 PM
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^Well, all physical conditions aside--there's got to be a reason he doesn't want it, right? Things such as depression, low self-esteem, lack of acceptance, embarassment, too busy, exhausted--and so on.. I'm not saying he has any of those things--but there's got to be an underlying reason right?

Maybe some men truly don't like sex. But the majority do. That's for sure.
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  #15  
April 30th, 2007, 06:59 PM
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Our marriage isn't all about sex, that is all.

We definitely have other things that keep us happy in our marriage. We do not rely on sex to keep us happy in our marriage.

Quote:
^Well, all physical conditions aside--there's got to be a reason he doesn't want it, right?

Maybe some men truly don't like sex.[/b]
So, my answer to the first line is *NO*. We don't rely on sex to make us happy.

I never said my husband doesn't like sex, he definitely does like sex. He just doesn't rely on sex to keep him happy in his marriage.

I would NEVER want to be with someone who only relys on sex to make them happy. There is so much more to a marriage than sex!
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  #16  
April 30th, 2007, 07:02 PM
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Quote:
Oddly enough--I'm reading a book called "The Highly Effective Marriage" or something like that and it addresses this issue.

It says that if someone were perfectly happy in a marriage they wouldn't stray(aside from mental health issues). That if someone cheats, there is something he is not getting out of the marriage. The book goes in detail explaining how men NEED sex in order to be happy in marriage. When men have sex it makes them feel 'loved, wanted, accepted' and that is one of the biggest reasons the crave it so much. And in order for a woman to be treated well by her husband--he must first be happy, and vice versa. So the woman needs her emotional needs met, and the man his sexual needs before each can make the other happy. It's kind of a catch 22.

But you all should really read that book! It's great.[/b]
I just have to say that most of the self help marriage books out there make me want to throw up!
They are just one opinion, not founded on much of anything but what will sell on the shelves and what one person feels is right. There is never a shred of statistical data to back them up yet people weigh so much on the opinion of some author. Unless its somebody that has statistical data and research (say for instance John Gottman and research on attachment) then to me those books amount to very little. Reading them might give you a few ideas, but often those ideas are bandaids and can be very wrong ( and I have to say that research PROVES that the idea about infidelity in that book is completely wrong)
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  #17  
April 30th, 2007, 07:08 PM
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Quote:
Our marriage isn't all about sex, that is all.

We definitely have other things that keep us happy in our marriage. We do not rely on sex to keep us happy in our marriage.

Quote:
^Well, all physical conditions aside--there's got to be a reason he doesn't want it, right?

Maybe some men truly don't like sex.[/b]
So, my answer to the first line is *NO*. We don't rely on sex to make us happy.

I never said my husband doesn't like sex, he definitely does like sex. He just doesn't rely on sex to keep him happy in his marriage.

I would NEVER want to be with someone who only relys on sex to make them happy. There is so much more to a marriage than sex!
[/b]
I don't think I explained the book's 'idea' very well---because that's not exactly what I was saying.. It's too much info to condense I guess.

I'll try again: Having sex, for a man, makes him feel loved/wanted/accepted/attractive(subconsiously). It's not just about the physical pleasure. So in return--he becomes happy in his marriage because he feels loved/wanted/accepted/and so on. He can now fulfull his wife's emotional needs because his needs are met.

On the woman's end---it's hard for women to have sex if they're not emotionally happy in the relationship. So when the man meets her emotional needs, she is able to meet his sexually.

It's hard to explain.

Quote:
I just have to say that most of the self help marriage books out there make me want to throw up!
They are just one opinion, not founded on much of anything but what will sell on the shelves and what one person feels is right. There is never a shred of statistical data to back them up yet people weigh so much on the opinion of some author. Unless its somebody that has statistical data and research (say for instance John Gottman and research on attachment) then to me those books amount to very little. Reading them might give you a few ideas, but often those ideas are bandaids and can be very wrong ( and I have to say that research PROVES that the idea about infidelity in that book is completely wrong)[/b]
It's not really anything 'opinion'. It's tips on how to maintain a happy marriage, not to get one out of a hole. It just gives tips on how to be more accepting of your partner's faults and such. Not much of that would have research to go along with it.

What research proves that a man(who is phsyically/emotionally healthy) will cheat if he has a happy/fulfilling marriage?
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  #18  
April 30th, 2007, 07:12 PM
Lash's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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actually much of the research I've read in Grad School, and including a book called "Not just friends". I dont have the book with me since its packed up and on its way to texas but the men in that book responded that a section of them were actually happy in their marriages and with their wives when they cheated (some had affairs, some had one night stands, some just cheated physically, some emotionally)

and those tips are again just based on opinion on what somebody thinks might possibly work
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  #19  
April 30th, 2007, 07:16 PM
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But don't you think it's possible that those men could have been unhappy in their marriages without realizing it? You know--like the mentality when someone marries someone when it's clear to everyone else it is doomed to fail---but to those involved, at the time--they see nothing wrong..
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  #20  
April 30th, 2007, 07:23 PM
Lash's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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i didnt totally discount that but i do those books

they also answered these things in different phases of the affair or marriage
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