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  #1  
May 8th, 2007, 01:34 PM
donomama
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***Warning*** Personal Story!


My DH has a cousin that he is very very close to. They are more like brothers than cousins. Around Christmas time, DH gets an email from his cousin, saying that he was leaving his wife, that he has been "seeing" someone else and that, after much thought, he decided that he would rather be with this woman than his wife. He felt like it was the "right" thing to do. Oh, and in this email, he also said that he was never unhappy or dissatisfied with his relationship with his wife. Whatever. DH has tried calling him and contacting him, but never got a response back. I'm sure the cousin just didn't want to hear it from my DH about what a bad decision he was making.

I heard from my MIL that their divorce was final about 2 weeks ago. Well, yesterday, DH got another email (they still haven't spoken in person) from the cousing saying that he is MARRYING this woman. In August! He told DH that he would love for us to come and that although he has not returned his calls or emails, he plans to soon.

Ok, so here's my question -- Do I go to this wedding? I honestly don't know if I can be nice to him and his new wife. I don't think I can congratulate them and be genuine about it. I'm not the type of person that is good at lying and just putting on a smile and pretending like what he has done is ok. His ex and I weren't super close, but we are friends and I just can't get over that he has done this to her. DH wants me to go with him, because although he is upset by the situation, he feels obligated to be there. What would you all do if you were me (keeping in mind that I have very strong views about fidelity and the sanctity of marriage and that I flat out don't know if I can be nice about it)? The wedding is out of state, so I need to decide sooner than later.
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  #2  
May 8th, 2007, 01:49 PM
Pure Innocence
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I wouldn't go because I'd feel uncomfortable. I have trouble respecting people who cheat.
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  #3  
May 8th, 2007, 01:52 PM
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If you don't think you can be nice to this guy on his wedding day, then stay home! Better to stay home than to go to the wedding and end up saying or doing something that will take away from their day. It's their day to celebrate.
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  #5  
May 8th, 2007, 01:56 PM
donomama
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Quote:
It's their day to celebrate.[/b]
Yep - it's their day to celebrate the fact that he's a cheater and she stole him away from his wife.

Quote:
I would probably be tempted to go just to check out this woman and to sit quietly and judge her. (Sorry, I can be like that sometimes.)

I'd really be tempted to not go on moral grounds.[/b]
Me too! On both accounts! Both of those thoughts have totally been going through my head.
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  #6  
May 8th, 2007, 01:58 PM
Pure Innocence
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Quote:
Quote:
It's their day to celebrate.[/b]

Yep - it's their day to celebrate the fact that he's a cheater and she stole him away from his wife.


Quote:
I would probably be tempted to go just to check out this woman and to sit quietly and judge her. (Sorry, I can be like that sometimes.)

I'd really be tempted to not go on moral grounds.[/b]
Me too! On both accounts! Both of those thoughts have totally been going through my head.
[/b]
Ok, while I don't agree going after a married man (or woman...w/e), she can't take total blame. HE made the decision to cheat to.
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  #7  
May 8th, 2007, 02:00 PM
donomama
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Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
It's their day to celebrate.[/b]

Yep - it's their day to celebrate the fact that he's a cheater and she stole him away from his wife.


Quote:
I would probably be tempted to go just to check out this woman and to sit quietly and judge her. (Sorry, I can be like that sometimes.)

I'd really be tempted to not go on moral grounds.[/b]
Me too! On both accounts! Both of those thoughts have totally been going through my head.
[/b]
Ok, while I don't agree going after a married man (or woman...w/e), she can't take total blame. HE made the decision to cheat to.
[/b]
That's why I said

Quote:
celebrate the fact that he's a cheater and she stole him away from his wife[/b]
I think they are both to blame, and actually, I think he is more to blame. He made the commitment to his wife, she didn't.
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  #8  
May 8th, 2007, 02:08 PM
Pure Innocence
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Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(SCgirl @ May 8 2007, 03:52 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
<div class='quotemain'>
It's their day to celebrate.[/b]

Yep - it's their day to celebrate the fact that he's a cheater and she stole him away from his wife.


Quote:
I would probably be tempted to go just to check out this woman and to sit quietly and judge her. (Sorry, I can be like that sometimes.)

I'd really be tempted to not go on moral grounds.[/b]
Me too! On both accounts! Both of those thoughts have totally been going through my head.
[/b]
Ok, while I don't agree going after a married man (or woman...w/e), she can't take total blame. HE made the decision to cheat to.
[/b][/quote]

That's why I said

Quote:
celebrate the fact that he's a cheater and she stole him away from his wife[/b]
I think they are both to blame, and actually, I think he is more to blame. He made the commitment to his wife, she didn't.
[/b][/quote]
Oh, sorry about that, I guess I just read that wrong or misinterpreted it or something.
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  #9  
May 8th, 2007, 02:10 PM
donomama
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Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(donomama @ May 8 2007, 02:56 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
<div class='quotemain'>
Quote:
It's their day to celebrate.[/b]

Yep - it's their day to celebrate the fact that he's a cheater and she stole him away from his wife.


Quote:
I would probably be tempted to go just to check out this woman and to sit quietly and judge her. (Sorry, I can be like that sometimes.)

I'd really be tempted to not go on moral grounds.[/b]
Me too! On both accounts! Both of those thoughts have totally been going through my head.
[/b]
Ok, while I don't agree going after a married man (or woman...w/e), she can't take total blame. HE made the decision to cheat to.
[/b]
That's why I said

Quote:
celebrate the fact that he's a cheater and she stole him away from his wife[/b]
I think they are both to blame, and actually, I think he is more to blame. He made the commitment to his wife, she didn't.
[/b][/quote]
Oh, sorry about that, I guess I just read that wrong or misinterpreted it or something.
[/b][/quote]

No biggie. I get the feeling we're on the same page about this anyway.
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  #10  
May 8th, 2007, 02:32 PM
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Quote:
I would probably be tempted to go just to check out this woman and to sit quietly and judge her. (Sorry, I can be like that sometimes.)

Would this irreparably damage your husband's relationship with his cousin? Is it important to your husband to be there? Would you be okay with him going without you?

I don't know. I'd really be tempted to not go on moral grounds.

The whole thing is a tough one.[/b]
Bwahaha I would do the same thing! But if it's beyond your comfort level, Tiffany, I'd say go ahead and skip it. Kids are a great excuse to miss functions like those
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  #11  
May 8th, 2007, 02:33 PM
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My great-grandma was going to go to her ex-SIL's wedding [instead she got in a severe car accident ] Different situation, as they were not cheating and had MANY years to cope with the divorce. Anyways, I guess the point is, my grandpa still cared about his ex MIL, and vis versa, so they invited her. If it were me, I'd ask myself, if years down the road, would I regret not going [1], and [2] even though I disagree with his behavior, is the person important enough in my life, that I'd want to be there for them [if that makes sense]. If I didn't go I'd probably talk to the cousin directly, and explain that as much as you care/love them, there is still alot of hurt from what happened, and you would like them to have a good time, but you can not be there.
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  #12  
May 8th, 2007, 02:47 PM
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Well unless you know the whole story of their marriage I think you should try to withhold judgment. There may have been problems that you weren't even aware of that led up to all of this. Yes, he shouldn't have cheated but really that is between him and his wife.
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  #13  
May 8th, 2007, 02:55 PM
donomama
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Quote:
Well unless you know the whole story of their marriage I think you should try to withhold judgment. There may have been problems that you weren't even aware of that led up to all of this. Yes, he shouldn't have cheated but really that is between him and his wife.[/b]

True, although what I do know is that he said himself that he wasn't unhappy in his marriage or with his wife. Also, I know that his wife felt completely blindsided by it and begged him not to leave. I know they weren't having problems. I honestly feel that he just got horny and bored.
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  #14  
May 8th, 2007, 03:16 PM
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No, I wouldn't go.
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  #15  
May 8th, 2007, 03:26 PM
Jacquie's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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My initial reaction would be to say that I absolutely wouldn't go. The only thing that could change my mind about going is if DH truly wanted me to go. It is his family, and if he wanted my support, he would have it. I would tell him that I was not going to be fake though - he would need to understand that if I were to go that I would merely be polite. It is likely that I would avoid any type of receiving line where you line up to congratulate the couple. I would not make a scene, or try to make anyone else uncomfortable, but I would avoid situations in which I felt I should do/say something that I did not genuinely feel.

I don't think that this is about you judging them so much as wishing not to associate with someone who does not share the same morals and values as you have. I guess if that's judging, so be it, but I don't think it makes you a bad person.
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  #16  
May 8th, 2007, 03:44 PM
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If it was local I would go but I would probably end up talking a lot of crap about them lol!
If it's out of state I really wouldn't waste the money. Especially if you've never even met this woman, and the cousin wouldn't respond to phone calls, etc.
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  #17  
May 8th, 2007, 04:55 PM
Pure Innocence
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If it was local I would go but I would probably end up talking a lot of crap about them lol!
If it's out of state I really wouldn't waste the money. Especially if you've never even met this woman, and the cousin wouldn't respond to phone calls, etc.[/b]
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  #18  
May 8th, 2007, 05:20 PM
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I have a feeling my Dh would be boycotting this one along with me, but in the case that he really felt he had to go, I Just dont think I could make it. I believe attendance at weddings is meant to be support and celebrating the couple, not just another mouth to feed and bring you a gift. If I can't really celebrate it, then I just couldnt go. If he asked I"d probably tell him why, but I have little patience with cheaters
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  #19  
May 8th, 2007, 05:20 PM
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If you can not go to a wedding and be HAPPY for the couple you should not be going.

Would I go? Yes probably. But if I felt the way that you are feeling I wouldn't go.

I am funny like that though.

DF cousin is getting married next month, she invited me, DF and our daughter but left out my boys (not DF bio children) I will not go to that wedding on the grounds that we are family. Just because we are not all blood related doesn't mean it is OK to invite a whole heap of other kids and leave mine out just because DF didn't father them. MIL says we should go but I refuse to go when I can not respect the people getting married. I can't respect that they would leave the boys out so I am not going to go and pretend I am happy to be there. I stick up for what I believe in and my boys being treated equally to their sister is a hill I would die on every single time.
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  #20  
May 8th, 2007, 05:26 PM
Pure Innocence
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I have a feeling my Dh would be boycotting this one along with me, but in the case that he really felt he had to go, I Just dont think I could make it. I believe attendance at weddings is meant to be support and celebrating the couple, not just another mouth to feed and bring you a gift. If I can't really celebrate it, then I just couldnt go. If he asked I"d probably tell him why, but I have little patience with cheaters[/b]
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